If you like reading about pooping then you are in the correct place. If bowel movements frighten you then you’re a wimp and should go away for a little while. I hate taking a poo in public. By public I don’t mean next to a playground slide while everyone is staring at me. I think I could handle that more. At least everybody knows my stance on life, I’m insane. When I say public I mean somewhere a vampire would be allowed to take a poo like a normal person. Did you know vampires are allowed to enter libraries, hospitals, and other public buildings? They don’t need to be invited in like they do a home. I remember this from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Another thing I learned from Buffy, the existence of lesbians!

(Stop hugging and scissor each other already!)

Even further than taking a poo in public, I always had a fear about taking one anywhere outside my home. Each year my dad would take my sister and me to the Poconos in upstate Pennsylvania because he used to murder honeymooners in heart-shaped bath tubs in the mid-90s. This saved him an extra trip. I went an entire week without going poop once. This might seem insane, but the one time I did go the year earlier I clogged the toilet. The place we stayed was owned by my dad’s only friend. He was a very large man with a Brooklyn accent. I would have surely had my face shoved into the toilet once it was discovered my DNA was attached to the terd doing the clogging.

Poop is a word I say way too frequently. My most common daily phrases I have come to realize are “Come on!” and “Jesus Christ!” Between driving and having to walk a dog who tries to eat every pine cone he smells, I have good reason to say these as frequently as I do. I’m not a poop fan. In the last year I have calculated I have picked up approximately 678 clumps of poop. That’s twice a day, every day, minus once a week where I make my sisters do it. If I lived in a country like Germany where the stuff is like gold, I would have a castle by now.

(My German castle bought entirely from dog poo)

The entire time I was in school I only took a poop once while on the clock. I was in first period study hall when my tummy began to grumble. I began to sweat. Somehow I survived the entire period without going. Then second period came. This was my keyboarding class. Luckily the fast typing managed to distract any noises my stomach was making, but still it helped none of the pain. I asked the teacher for a hall pass and made my way toward a bathroom. My high school was so lame they only kept one bathroom open at a time and it changed every hour. This was so kids could not go in there and smoke. This was a major problem. I practically cursed out a fat history teacher asking me where the nearest bathroom was. He pointed. A gay kid was in the bathroom cleaning chocolate off his shirt. I pretended to pee because I didn’t want him going around to the Glee Club saying I’m someone who shits. I walked out then walked back in. Just so he didn’t think I was insane I declared out loud “Wow now I have to shit.” He nodded and I scared him away from men’s assholes for life. You’re welcome Republicans.

(That classmate grew up to become Jonathan Taylor Thomas, the straightest, least questioned to be a homosexual child actor from the 1990s)

I managed to go a long time at my day job without going. I say day job like I have a night job. Like posing as a police officer and asking to search people’s wallets qualifies as a real job. When I got older I cared less about where I let the chips fall. I was mostly ready to let it happen at work. Only once when it was the middle of the day and I knew the bathroom would be crowded and someone was bound to recognize my shoes then report to the highest ranking supervisor they could that I was someone who shits which most assuredly would get me fired did I venture someplace else to cleanse my body of breakfast. I went to the fancy hotel across the street I worked at for a month and was never paid anything I did and left the Mona Lisa of poops in a toilet sitting there for whoever came in next. I call it the Mona Lisa because it was very androgynous.

(I never realized what a giant forehead she had. If you squint and change the hair a bit this could be Ted Danson)

As I grow older my bowels are something I need to be more concerned about. I went to the last baseball game at Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. My dad made a short scrapbook from the day yet the only thing I can remember is going home and painfully squeezing one out. From that day I swore I would never go more than a day without at least trying to go. Some men swear to take care of their families. Others promise to serve their countries. Me, I do my best to shit once a day.

  1. The school anecdote was brilliant.

    I honestly don’t understand people who are shy about where they take a shite. If I pull my pants down and sit on a toilet, poo comes out. It’s just the way it is.

    I laughed at the My Mean Thoughts section.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I knew you’d say something like this. It was hard enough getting me to go on a regular toilet. I had to be bribed with candy like a fat child does anything.

      My Mean Thoughts is linked with my Twitter. I haven’t figured out how to properly use Twitter yet but at least someone has seen something so far.

  2. When I went to school you didn’t have time to pee much less anything else. Four minutes between classes and you were supposed to get your stuff from your locker and make your way across the school and take care of anything else you needed. Teachers wouldn’t let you go because you might be screwing off in the bathroom. On the other hand, said person might have actually needed to go at some point within the 7 to 8 hours they were at freaking school. Once I got denied even by a study hall teacher. WTF was I going to miss in STUDY HALL?

    I finally had to bring a note from the doctor complaining of UTIs so I’d have time to pee. Got to love public school, right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      They were real picky for me too about bathroom time. I was still in school during the beginning of making everyone into wimps. I hear now kids get smoke breaks, back rubs, and are yelled at very teasing each other. In 50 years everyone will be a cry baby.

      I imagine things in a private school might have been worse. They’d probably make you go while everyone watched.

      • Oh, I had to do that as a child at the daycare center. I didn’t like doing that in the first grade even – we had these little potties with no walls around them in a row. I would go in the teacher’s walled restroom if possible.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Where did you go to school, Alcatraz?

        (why is that the easiest to spell prison?)

      • I used to call the daycare an internment camp. I complained so much I got to start being a latchkey kid at 9.

        Also they had these peanut butter cookies that made me want to vomit. They were shaped like peanuts. What is wrong with people?

  3. I don’t even have anything funny to say about this. Except never get thrown in jail or the brig if you value your pooprivacy so much.

  4. DUH'Merica says:

    You aren’t crazy, I have essentially the same pooping issues.

  5. 1) I hate pooping in public.
    2) Travel pooping is even worse.
    3) I love Buffy and I’m so glad you put a picture of Willow and…Tara? Was that her name? Don’t make me look it up.
    4) Having a kid makes you do weird things. She is a fan of TD’s so I have to oblige. Do I need to spell out that acronym for you? Not sure if it’s common knowledge or just something Hubs told me he and his pals used to do. Which I find baffling.

  6. I feel your pain. I, too, must have the “home field advantage”. I never once went in school (12 years) because the stalls didn’t have doors. My record is ten days. Not at all healthy.

  7. From this day forward, each time that I glance upon the Mona Lisa I will see Ted Danson. Thanks for that.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    No word of a lie, I read this while pooing.

    There are three worst places I consider pooing.

    3. Pooing at a friends house during a house party; because my shit will fill the air and now you’re the talking point of the evening.

    2. Pooing at work; I’m able to go a long time without a poo when I need to, e.g. Leeds Festival this year and last year where I didn’t go for four straight days. But sometimes at work you just need to go, the worse thing is when someone walks in the bathroom I have to hold it in to avoid someone listening to me drop an atomic bomb. I remember a few years ago I did drop an atomic bomb while two people were having a chat in the toilets and they ran for their lives.

    1. Pooing in pubs; toilets in pubs are the worst thing ever. People treat them like cats treat a litter tray. Piss all over the seat, lack of toilet roll because someones thrown a full one in a urinal, it’s what I call a shit of desperation.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wow this is like some super form of advertising.

      You’re dead on with all 3 of those. I can usually hold it in for a few hours if I desperately need to go so a party would never be a problem. Plus I don’t get invited to those very much. At work I would go into the office next door and do it early in the morning before anyone came in. Pub toilets, I think this is where every disease ever started. If it wasn’t for the great graffiti I’d hate pub bathrooms.

  9. Smaktakula says:

    Others promise to serve their countries. Me, I do my best to shit once a day.

    Each according to his ability (or inclination, anyway)!

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