Internet Friends

Posted: September 17, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

During my time receiving cancerous rays from computer screens I have made many Internet friends. Don’t feel special WordPress bloggers, I’ve been making Internet friends ever since I was 13. I have more people willing to click “subscribe” to this blog than are willing to become friends with me on Facebook. More people will comment on this particular blog post than will spend my birthday with me. The Internet is where I seem to make all my friends these days. For a guy who carries around spare deodorant in his car I can’t be too smelly. It’s Axe too because that’s the one women murder themselves over you for.

(She smelt me once and fell in love. I turned her down. Her life is no longer worth living)

Sometimes an Internet friend becomes more like a real friend. I’ve talked to a few WordPressers outside of the blogosphere and some I consider a regular friend. Things remind me of you and I’ll even explain to police officers how a particular blog post of yours is what inspired me to light the fire. Most of us will never meet in person which is fine, it might be better that way. I do remember however one instance many years ago when I made an Internet friend who I accidentally ended up meeting years later with lackluster consequences.

When I first got the Internet I did whatever I could to find as many people I could instant message as possible. I searched AOL profiles for girls who went to the same school as me and baseball players who I could bug about nonsense. I actually did used to talk to a few baseball players online. The one I talked to a few times ended up having to retire and got a job at Old Navy. With the girls, I always kept secret who I was. If they knew it was the weird fat kid from gym class they’d insist the Internet was not a safe place to be.

(This kid is reliving my life)

I began talking to one girl who actually responded well to me. She went to a rival middle school. I don’t remember what it was specifically that made me instant message her. I think I was feeling courageous. We’ll call her Does Dallas because her real first name matches the main character in an old film about a woman who goes out and “Does Dallas.” I don’t want people to be able to figure out who she is as her privacy is very important to me.

(I changed my mind, I don’t care)

I’m not sure what we talked about exactly but Does Dallas actually would instant message me first a few times. I hid no secrets from her. I was exactly who I was in real life and she was responding well. She told me her sister got a new camera and she would send me her picture. Did Does Dallas have intentions with me I could only fantasize about? She sent me the picture and I was amazed at how attractive she was. All this really meant was I could never send her a real picture of me. Onto my computer, in search of the picture of a shirtless British kid I would send girls claiming it was me, I went.

I told Does Dallas how a classmate of hers was on my baseball team. We’ll call him At Night since his real first name is the first half of a Nickelodeon programming series taking place “At Night.” Well, a lesson was learned by me. At Night did not have kind things to say about me. Does Dallas came online and said how At Night told her about me. I asked what he said. She did not make it clear but the fact Does Dallas never spoke to me ever again does not bode well. At Night was a dweeb who asked a girl out once and when she said yes he thanked her. This was the guy who was cock-blocking me?

(“At Night” was a travesty to other men with the same first name. I won’t say it. I swear I won’t let you know what his name was)

Fast forward to high school. You don’t have to fast forward but I suggest you do to avoid the anguish in between I suffered from many other people. As rival middle schoolers do, they sometimes attend the same high school. Guess who I happened to share a graduating class with? Does Dallas, that’s who. We never had class together, but one time during a field trip she sat across from me. I wondered and still do if she remembers how she had fallen for me online. At the time she was pulling off the “hot nerd” look. I remember her wearing tight black striped pants on the bus ride to see Julius Caesar, the play not the politician. I was at my fattest and sat next to the fattest black chick in class. The two-seater was not made for two offensive lineman which is what we were voted most likely to grow up to become.

I never had a real conversation with Does Dallas. She was smart which leads me to believe she always knew exactly who I was. People always do that. They ignore any connections they used to have to you no matter how silly the circumstances were. The closest I ever came to talking to her was one night during senior year. My friend had a huge crush on her and they had planned to hangout. She cancelled. He asked his best friend to hangout. The best friend cancelled. I had nothing going on so we went out to what his best friend was REALLY up to. Parked in front of the house was Does Dallas’s car. We snuck up along the fence and my friend caught the love of his life in the hot tub with his best friend. Then her head went under water and his best friend’s eyes rolled back into his head. Use your imagination.

Long story short, thank you current Internet friends for not owning hot tubs and inviting girls I have crushes on over to your place or something like that.

Comments
  1. Classic Moose. Mad ramblings, and lots of funny bits that suddenly jump out at me.

  2. The Waiting says:

    This reminds me so much of the people I met on AOL back when the only known use for the Internet was finding pictures of the Smashing Pumpkins (AKA when I was a teenager.) As a parent now, it frightens me that I would actually exchange phone numbers with some of these people and give them my real name. Of course, none of them were ever pedophiles or anything (mostly just geeky boys who thought Julien Lennon was awesome) but still, I dodged some very real bullets.

    Sometimes I think now about the people I have met through WordPress and wonder if they are as awesome as they appear to be online. I’m going to be optimistic and say that they are because they certainly seem to care a lot more about me than the people on Facebook do.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Those were the days when the Internet was cool wasn’t it? I say up until 2006 it was cool in the early Myspace days when real celebrities would actually join my fan groups for myself or message me to stop posting so many bulletins. Things have changed and I don’t like it.

      I actually did meet one pedophile online. He was a friend of a friend of a friend. Luckily nothing ever happened to me. I’ll write about that sometime. It’s a pretty goofy story.

      I’d say 1/10 WordPress Bloggers aren’t as cool as we think. Most people aren’t much different I suppose, especially the more you talk to them. I agree with you about the bloggers caring more than Facebook friends. Damn them. I actually counted my Facebook friends and 9 of them dying would upset me. Would you believe half of them were bloggers?

  3. Awesome post. I, too, remember the initial days of AOL chatrooms and the anonymity that came along with them. I actually chatted with a porn star for several months before they figured out I wasn’t a colleague. Naughty, right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      It makes me feel a lot better that I wasn’t the only one to have all these strange Internet friends. The closest I could get to topping you was I talked to some girl who said she was a stripper. Turned out to be a 14 year old girl.

      Porn stars seem easy to fool.

  4. When I was a public library assistant, kids would leave up their MySpace profiles for their future stalkers to break into (so smart on public computers often used by creepers!) Finally, we just started going in and deleting their friends lists. They finally paid attention and started logging out. Little nit wits. I enjoyed doing that a little too much, I think. One time some kid came on while I was deleting and im’d me, so I im’d back “I’m not Sam bwahahaha” or something along that line. Fun times.

    Speaking of MySpace, an ex-boyfriend still has a MySpace page. Talk about dodging a bullet there.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    What is this? Talk about internet friends day?

    Remember when all you had to say to start a conversation was A/S/L? Man those were the good days. As I said to Lily, I like my current batch of internet friends more than most of my real life friends, they have more of an opportunity to let me down than you guys which isn’t their fault, but at the same time, kind of is.

    • Mooselicker says:

      To be fair Lily is really a fat guy named Larry who is an expert hacker and often steals my ideas and sells them on the black market.

      You’re dead on with your assessment of real life friends and Internet friends. I think it could also have to do with how long we’ve known each other. I’m sure in a few years if I’m still talking to a few bloggers I’ll expect more from them than I will people I might meet in person. I think Internet friends can be counted on to share your one passion you instantly connected with on. I don’t know anyone in person who has any of the same interests as I do, at least not the same degree. It’s nice to have a little community online we can be nerds with.

    • Hey Pete!!! I’ve missed you!

  6. I’m a pretty good judge of character so I’d like to think that I can tell if people are being fake. My sense is that most everyone is really authentic and has a good sense of humor. I never really did facebook or twitter so I don’t know but I enjoy our little community, if that’s what you call it? Lots of smart and sensitive people.

  7. Still waiting for my sunshine post. And cheer up. When and if you meet me in real life, you will be pleasantly surprised when I not only live up to your expectations and look like all my blog pictures of me, but I decide not to kill myself… or you, I hope, … with an axe.

  8. Great post. I like it that you call other high schools rival schools :). It’s tough, you know, always defending the honour of your school!
    Sad story though.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s not too sad. I never fell in love with her. I’m more curious what Nick Culloughani or whatever the guy’s name was said to her about me. It happened again when I was a senior in high school. Some girl was obsessed with me until her brother gave her a better description. Fun while it lasted.

  9. Seb says:

    Some people had much more interesting high school lives than I did!

  10. You.. hahahaha! This forced me to look back at suppressed memories. I assure you though I didn’t say thanks when my grade school crush decided not to punch me when I kissed him. Never. Never.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Why suppress the memories? I forget what reminded me about this happening. It’s just one of those silly little things in life that went nowhere but I’ll probably never forget.

  11. renxkyoko says:

    I used to have tons of online friends… MSN Messaging . But it became too much of a hassle. Imagine talking to 4 people at the same time. It came to a point everytime I logged in, in 1 sec, about 4 or 5 would want to chat with me. Well, I’m done. I’m now INVISIBLE. ( although there are 3 I still talk to, and they know even if I don’t appear online, I’m here, especially at specific hours… and I do talk to them. They are sweet and funny. ) Rob, Brian, and lawrence.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wow how long have you stayed in touch with them? I’m horrible at staying in touch. I think it’s because people end up hating me in the end. Probably jealous of how awesome I am, right?

      • renxkyoko says:

        A long time…….. there’s one , since 2008, a guy from the Philippines….. I told him I was going to the Philippines and wanted to see him… he bailed, the bastard. I wanted to marry him…. JUST KIDDING ! ! No, maybe he’s actually a fat guy with acne and his pics were fake. Ha ha ha Well, it wasn’t me, that’s for sure. he had even seen the video of JasondeRulo concert with me in it, in flesh and blood. So I wasn’t a fake/ Oh, well, …. his loss. he he he

  12. […] I guess this is what they mean about history repeating itself. You can read about the other story here  then come to the same determination I have, 8th grade girls are shallow bitches who lack the […]

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