In America the blood alcohol to be considered legally drunk is .080%. In England I think it’s 17%. One time I was pulled over for drunken driving. I had a blood alcohol content of .018. This is the amount of alcohol you can find in a single nose hair on an English baby. Get it? They drink a lot. Americans drinks a lot too. Different from our previous owners to the east, the English, Americans become even more obnoxious and incoherent when they drink. Nearly every Thursday night since May 2009 I have gone to the same bar on the Princeton University Campus. Here are a few drunken idiots I have met there.

Greg Mario: Bartender Jill said Greg Mario (you have to say his entire name) was a regular at the bar. I met him the first week in January in 2010. I haven’t seen him since. He gave me and my friend Rob hockey tickets. We wanted to thank him and before we did we asked him if he was “Mario.” He laughed, said no, then walked away only to come back later and apologize for being such a loon.

Big Daddy Tom: This man was visiting from some southern state. His son got into Princeton so he figured he would spend the night with a beer while his son was trying to pick up the overwhelming amount of Chinese girls on campus. BDT was special because he kept telling the same story over and over again. It was about something happening at 6:15 in the morning. After he told it a few times I started to tell it for him. He was a little amazed I knew so much about his life. This just proves how drunk he was.

David: I knew I didn’t like David when he was sitting in my favorite spot to sit. At first he seemed like your typical friendly drunk. He said to a woman who passed through “I watch Tinkerbell with my daughter sometimes but you are the most beautiful fairy I have ever seen.” The woman walked away quickly. He continued bothering women all night. It culminated when he was making a girl 30 years younger than he was look at herself in a shot glass. He finally realized we were mocking him and refused to say goodbye to us. Oh well. I never trust someone who goes to a bar wearing a polo shirt and shorts.

Name Unknown: I forget this guy’s name; he may even be two different guys. He owned a storage company in Florida and I found something online about him. His big claim to fame was spending an hour with him naming different celebrities and if he would or would not sleep with them. For a drunk guy he sure was picky. Possibly the most vulgar man I have ever met. And to think the first thing he said to me was a terrible children’s joke about a ghost with a band-aid called a “pumpkin patch.” That’s vulgar on a totally different degree.

The Sleeping Yankees Fan: She’s not a drunk but deserves a mention. She comes in almost every night, asks Bartender Jill to put on the Yankees game, and then falls asleep with her head back in the air. Probably the easiest buffoon to snap a picture of due to her drowsiness.

(I was told by Bartender Jill to not post pictures of Mrs. Holliday online. I have to prove at least one of these people exist. I tried taking a video of when Sigourney Weaver was eating with David Hyde Pierce last week but it just looks like an old beard out with her gay husband enjoying dinner)

Not Jeff Hanneman: Bartender Jill told us this man was from the band Slayer. Nobody knows the members of Slayer. They have one blonde guy so it had to be Jeff Hanneman. For close to two years Rob and I debated if it was him or not. I said there was no way. Finally we realized it couldn’t possibly be because Jeff Hanneman wears his watch on a different wrist than Not Jeff Hanneman and the real Jeff Hanneman had a flesh eating virus. I examined the fake Jeff Hanneman’s body in the bathroom with a flashlight. No signs of a flesh eating virus were discovered.

Captain Miles Standish: I almost forgot about this guy because he was a regular and no longer comes in at all. He was a short Indian man who could barely see over the bar. He never sat, always stood. He would bring homework in and do while I drank a glass of wine. His nickname is very simple, he stands. What else would we call him, Sting song?

The Two Black Guys: Forever Rob and I thought they were janitors because they always helped clean up some dishes. Turns out we’re just racists. They’re in there every time we are no matter what day it is so it was excusable. Last Thursday they had a random 16 year old French kid with them eating cookies. Turns out one of them coached an Olympic tennis star in the 1980s and the other drives a Ferrari. This is why I don’t like affirmative action.

Opera Lady: When women drink they become extremely obnoxious. I guess you can almost say they start behaving like me. This woman had nothing to offer other than whistling really loudly and singing terrible opera songs. She told a really bad story to everyone at the bar about how a train filled with Styrofoam caught on fire and the person at the front desk of her hotel did not work her to warn her about the fire. Fireballs were shot through the air. This apparently happened recently too. You’d think if a train exploded and shot fireballs all over the place killing people it would have made the news. Maybe it happened on 9/11 and it was overshadowed.

Freddy: This is the king of drunks. I think he’s a god in my eyes because he’s also the president of a bank and was the biggest drunk I have met. He even has a catchphrase, saying “What-What?” and pulling on his suspenders. He tried taking Bartender Jill out on a date but she doesn’t date bankers or fat guys who wear suspenders. She has specific taste. The last time she saw him he skipped out on the bill. The key to a woman’s heart is through screwing her on the tab.

Are there any lovable drunks in your life you will never forget?

  1. joehoover says:

    That’s a woman in the photo?

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    You know, I drink sometimes but there are a few people I can’t stand when they drink. I don’t get crazy drunk. If I drink too much I get sick and I hate that feeling. Obnoxious drunk people bug the heck out of me.

  3. All the drinkers in my extended family were hard core drinkers aka alcoholics, who either destroyed their life or died from alcohol consumption. Sooo, I was raised by parents who had no patience for it. I drank in high school and college but that’s where it ended. The only lovable drunks I know were my friends.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I hate to call my parents alcoholics because it seems like such a bad word. My mom was in AA and my dad and her split because he was going out drinking too much instead of spending time with family. So I guess, they were, right? Like a joke, a drunk is funny until someone gets hurt.

  4. Seb says:

    I work on Newspapers. 90% of the people I work with are loveable drunks.

  5. It’s fun to go to a bar and not drink. Unless you’re the designated driver. It’s like watching a reality show based on Animal House, with more vomit.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    There were so many drunks around when I first started drinking at the tender age of 16. I was one of them! I could be “Drunk Underage Guy Who Falls Asleep At College After Lunch”

    This one guy, I don’t know his real him, he’s just the Chesterfield Jew; he’s some old bloke that walks around singing Jewish songs and hating on the Germans. He was harmless enough, he told me and my friends some long story that involved him and his son picking up chicks and scaring away some ‘ard men… then he went to the bar, came back with a new pint then told us the exact same story again, word for word. We didn’t want to seem impolite so we acted shocked as if it was the first time we’d heard it.

    Then there is my mate Ray who I met at college, I watched his drinking problem develop over the course of 7 years before he finally knocked it on the head. I used to go to this pub in the town centre at midday on a Saturday and the owner would be telling me all the shit Ray got up to the night before, like when he gave him a lift home, stopped to get some petrol and while he was paying, Ray got out the car and began pissing all over the pump handles.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I love when people tell the same stupid stories over and over again without remember having told them before. My dad does that even when he’s sober. I’m scared for his sanity.

      Pissing on a gas pump is what we Americans call rock bottom. Is that still bad over in England? I know you guys tolerate a lot more drunken shenanigans. We get upset the second anyone insults our blouse.

  7. You did it! You offended almost everyone in this post. I am so proud.

  8. The Waiting says:

    My husband is a lovable drunk. He becomes really talkative and hilarious when he’s drinking. It’s a good problem to have.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I get like that too when I drink. I’m a doll to be around. I never got guys who cried when they were drunk or tried starting fights. Probably their insecurities coming out.

  9. renxkyoko says:

    I’ve never been to a bar, nor pub, not that I don’t want to go to such places, no one has invited me. I drank one bottle of wine in Europe, and didn’t get drunk. just a little wobbly. I think I can handle another bottle. Kidding. BTW, I don’t like the taste of beer. I’ll drink just wine, any kind of wine.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Well you’re invited to come out with me next Thursday. Don’t you love it when people invited you places they know you won’t be able to get to? Even if you don’t drink much it’s fun to people watch. You should try it out sometime. There are a lot more people in other bars and this bar I didn’t mention who are certifiably insane and I am afraid could track me down so I left them out.

      Most girls do hate the taste of beer. I think everyone does. If they liked it there would be beer flavored candy.

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