I want to continue a subject I was talking about during my last post, people I meet at the bar I go to. This time however I do not want to make fun of drunks. They’re too sad and lonely. Instead we will gather around and mock the people who work in the hotel/bar that I frequent. Unlike the last post, I see these people way too often where I am able to get some photos for you.
Mean Jill: She’s the bossman, the big cheese, the duchess of evil. To save confusion from her and Bartender Jill, Rob and I refer to her as Mean Jill for the simple fact she is incredibly mean. Not really mean. Like she’s never done a single thing mean to us. She just has a redhead’s scowl. She’s in charge and wants everyone to know it. She’s been engaged to the same man for 8 years. I met her fiancé once and I swear she’s got larger testicles than he does.
Cleaning Lady: My new favorite character I see way too often. Rob walked in on her cleaning the bathroom one time. Instead of saying “Hey buddy, I’m cleaning here. Can you wait a moment?” She yelled “I clean!” I did the same thing about a month later. She again yelled “I clean!” at me and I was chased away. It’s happened a few times since and I think she’s starting to recognize us. She’s a chubby old Mexican woman who likes everyone to know what she does best, she cleans!
(“I clean! I clean! 5 minutes! Only you!” – the only English she knows)
The Penguin: This man works the late shift at the front desk. His nickname comes from his facial resemblance to a penguin. His voice is very “bird which cannot fly” as well. He seems like a nice enough guy. My only worry is one day I got shot with an umbrella gun.
(The Penguin I know looks a lot happier than this. Probably because nobody ever checks into a Princeton hotel at 2 in the morning)
Twisty aka Curly Boy: For some reason Bartender Jill always calls Twisty “Curly Boy.” This shows you that she has been working around alcohol for too long. Twisty got his nickname from the time he tried to open up a jar. We began to stare at him and he went into the back room to try to open it. Still he had no luck. Forever jokes about him being unable to twist anything open have flown around. We haven’t seen him in a few months now. Rumor has it he can’t figure out how to get past the doorknob.
The Waitresses: There are no real interesting ones currently but there was Fez, Dr. Nathan, Jimmy O’Fallon (a redheaded woman who looks very Irish), the ghoul (a very ghoulish looking girl with a pot belly), Samantha Scully (her real name, feel free to add her on Facebook, she denied me), and a few more without interesting made-up backstories.
Stoneface: A woman whose only job was to wear a white dress and never change her facial expression. She was definitely half Eskimo and half Easter Islander. I’m thinking her face got stuck in stone form after looking Mean Jill in the eyes.
(I haven’t seen Stoneface in a while. I think she’s appearing on Ancient Aliens now while Giorgio Tsoukalos insists she was built by extraterrestrials)
Brian Cashman’s Daughter aka Virginia: Nepotism reigns supreme here. A lowly waitress someone managed to become the daytime manager. How? She’s the general manager of the hotel’s daughter. After seeing her almost weekly for two years she never said anything to Rob or I until Clint Eastwood’s famous chair speech. All she said was how brilliant he was and that she too thinks chairs are people.
Trish aka The Elephant Man: She doesn’t look like The Elephant Man but boy howdy does she talk like him. Rob had a thing for her and talked to her a bit. She ended up getting pregnant and cutting her hand on a half-opened can when she tried to finish opening it with her palm. Something tells me her kid will be lucky to be anything like the Elephant Man if he has to deal with this nitwit as his mother.
(Apparently when Trish got pregnant it started to grow into her face)
CJ: Is there anyone in your life who is so incredibly friendly you always avoid eye contact with them so you don’t have to talk to them? This is CJ. He’s the only live music they ever have anymore which is okay because he’s not bad. He could learn more than that one Lifehouse song. I’m also sick of hearing The Counting Crows. If Ellen Degeneres was a male musician who received his payment in French fries, she would be CJ.
The German Lady: Sometimes a bartender, other times she stands around in the door leading to the kitchen not doing much at all. The first time I met her she had an English accent. The second time I did she had a German accent. Every time since, she has had no accent. Rob and I made up that her back story is she uses a different accent depending upon what job she is working. She’s a German bartender, a French waitress, and a Swedish chef. She’s so important in my life that all of my “passcodes” at work are inspired by her.
(Pimple scars and all, I don’t mind The German Lady. She’s probably best when she’s a chef but it’s still nice to see her work the bar on occasion)
Tell me about some dopes who work at a place you frequently go to. I recently purchased a plane and I’m going to fly them all into the sun.
Mooselicker 
The lady at Target who is more concerned with her enormously long fake nails than she is with working her register properly. In the middle of a transaction, with 47 people behind you, she’ll halt to examine a non existent flaw on her expensive nails which carry either a really horrible color or the team logo of the nearest football (for non Americans, that’s the term we use for football) team. I’m not sure why. I keep track of seasons by what is painted on those nails. Christmas/Holiday season is best, since she’ll have a tree on one nail then gifts on the others. I’m waiting for her to produce an entire Thanksgiving (in America, this is a holiday where we eat until we throw up) on her nails, starting with some crackers and cheese, and having a pumpkin pie on her last nail.
Are you sure this isn’t a Walmart? That sounds so typical of them. Target workers are always sad and don’t know the meaning of vanity. They’ve accepted their lost souls. Doesn’t shopping suck?
I think she’s a WalMart wannabe. Shopping does suck, and, will become worse over the next few months. Yay, holidays. Not really.
Ugh don’t remind me about the holidays! Between my birthday coming up and Christmas I’m about ready to hurt a small animal just to feel something.
Don’t forget Lily in Canada’s birthday, too.
CJ sounds a lot like the wife of the owner of the restaurant where I used to work. She was the most impossibly cheerful and sincere person I have ever met. She used to make my husband kind of uncomfortable because she remembered more details about him than I could and made reference to them every time she ran into him.
When I lived in Korea, I used to run into the same people all the time at convenience stores and stuff because in Korea, if you own a convenience store, you usually man it yourself. There was this one skinny guy with tattoos and crazy hair at the one closest to our house. We somehow found out that he was gay; I think our friend ran into him at a gay bar in the foreign section of Seoul. He didnt know a ton of English but he did know enough to tell me that he liked Madonna and Lady Gaga.
CJ has some deep demons in his closet and I have no doubt the person you referred to has even deeper ones.
You bring up an even different topic, running into people in places they shouldn’t be at. I saw my boss at Rite Aid today. The worst was when she was sitting next to me at a hockey game.
It sounds like an off-brand of Cheers. “Where everybody knows, er, makes up your name. And they aren’t particularly glad you came.”
That describes the bar perfectly. Bartender Jill gets real pissed whenever people come in. If there are less than 8 people in the bar at 10 she’ll do last call 3 hours earlier than any other bar in the state just so she can go out and get drunk herself.
I obviously need to find more interesting bars. I like your description of the German/whatever lady. But then I thought you were reallly referring to Brian Cashman’s daughter and I thought, “Whaaaaaaaaa???”
The German Lady is the best. Where else can you find an ugly toad of a woman whose accent changes each night you see her?
LOL Sounds like you have a potential Simpsons type show on your hands with your hotel gig.
As long as they all meet the same fate as Maude Flanders I’ll be happy.
Someone should do a sitcom about a bunch of people sitting around in a bar… oh, wait…
Isn’t there a new bar show on TV now? This time it’s with Asians.
Oh, Hollywood, always on the cutting edge.
“Let’s redo that idea but this time we’ll use black people because we actually like them now.” – Hollywood meeting
After we do a remake of another 70’s sitcom nobody liked.
I think it’s pretty bad-ass if you can get a nickname that encompasses the word “mean”. I’d like someone to call me “Mean BreezyK”. Seriously.
Also, I didn’t know my cleaning lady also cleaned your local bar
You have too much Catholic guilt to ever be mean. But if it makes you happy, from now on I will call you Mean BreezyK.
The German woman is, I suspect, Meryl Streep preparing for her next Oscar winning role, trying on looks and accents. Or possibly Al Pacino, doing the same.
She could be Pacino. She often over yells “Yeah!” and wears gigantic lifts on her shoes to make her look more normal sized.
Is it wrong that I have a sexual attraction to Meryl Streep?
Far from wrong. I consider the moment in the Manchurian Candidate where she tries to talk with ice cubes in her mouth to be one of the most powerfully erotic scenes in film.
Creating a Netflix account and renting this movie IMMEDIATELY!