Football season has started. This means people who like football talk about nothing but football and people who dislike football talk about nothing but disliking football. The latter are still talking about football. It’s such a popular sport in America that you can be a murderer, a drunk, a drug user, a wife beater, and still get a shoe deal. Because who doesn’t want to own the same shoe as the guy who slammed the accelerator of his car to run over an innocent pedestrian?

(Donte Stallworth was charged with DUI manslaughter on April 1, 2009; he surrendered to police on April 2, 2009, and was released on $200,000 bail.As a result of a plea deal, he received a sentence of 30 days in the county jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service 2 years of community control, and 8 years probation. He has also received a life-time suspension of his Florida state driver’s license.On July 10, 2009, Stallworth was released from county jail after serving 24 days of a 30-day sentence. Fucking lovely)

When most people think of Pennsylvania I don’t think they’re thinking football. What do people really think about when they think about Pennsylvania? At least when you hear New Jersey you can think about some idiot on a boardwalk. The thing about New Jersey though is we have no real identity. Everyone in my state either associates themselves with New York or Pennsylvania. We have one major league sports franchise that play here and actually admit to playing here, the New Jersey Devils. The Giants and the Jets play in New Jersey but they are so embarrassed they bought a PO Box in New York to deceive everyone else around the country.

Pennsylvania actually is a big football state. There is a city called Jim Thorpe after the old-timey player. He grew up in the area, I hope. It’s a middle of nowhere city with nothing to offer society. At least Hershey, Pennsylvania has Hershey Park, the only theme park based around high blood sugar. Even Chevy Chase, Maryland is better than Jim Thorpe City. If Chevy Chase can have a city named after him then I’m sure one day we will get Chris Kattan, Wyoming.

(This is the most offensive image I have ever seen. There’s a line to comedy, this is way over it)

The real thing I wanted to point out about Pennsylvania Football Fans is they have to be really loyal to stick with it. They also have to throw away any morals. We’re all well aware about Jerry Sandusky and the things he did at Penn State. Penn State is a gigantic evil force whose cult stretches across the entire state and beyond. It’s sick how loyal some of these fans and alumni can be to a school that could cover up such horrible crimes. The most egregious statements people make are defending Joe Paterno. There are few people I would defend forever. Most of them have seen me naked. I’ll never understand being able to stay loyal to a school that did what Penn State did. The Subway I used to go to raised their sandwich prices 25 cents and I boycotted going there. Suckers of the Penn State dick, what you used to love about the school has changed. Admit you were fooled by the douchebags in charge there and move on.

(“That’s right, I’m fucking you all over. And I’m so old and senile I don’t realize my hand should be turned the other way around to say ‘fuck you.’ Why am I dressed as a pilot? Why do people who give a shit about me after what a liar I was?” – Joe Paterno)

The actual NFL has a lot of problems in Pennsylvania. Quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers Ben Roethlisberger may have his name come up in spell check but he is still a massive asshole. The guy has been accused on numerous occasions of treating women like Jerry Sandusky treats the age of consent laws, with little respect. Big Ben’s worst crime was statutory rape. I’m always willing to believe a woman might be lying especially when it happens with someone with money. The erotic thriller Wild Things has proven to me to never believe anything anyone says during a rape trial. But seriously, was the pool scene in that movie completely overrated or did I get a copy of the film where it was edited down? That’s the last time I rent a movie from the library for the nudity. As far as Roethlisberger goes, he’s a womanizing ass and with as many accusations as he’s had, I’m sure at least one is true.

(Wonderful, I get the version of the film where the pool scene is almost completely cut out. I think I got the gay version because Kevin Bacon in the shower hanging dong lasted for half the film)

Of course there is still Michael Vick for me to comment on. I hate this guy. I’ve decided to follow this football season and become a fan of any player who injures him. People still defend the guy. I don’t live near Pittsburgh so I’m not sure how much Roethlisberger’s troublemaking dick gets brought up but Vick’s dog killing ways is a constant subject. There is nothing about Vick I find redeeming or feel-good. The media attempts to say he’s a changed man who got a second chance. A second chance? Nobody accidentally runs a dog fighting ring then drowns the losers. People accidentally call the wrong number or invade Iraq. The thing people say about Vick is that he has “paid his debt to society.” The guy never served a term for animal abuse. He went away to prison for the gambling. It pains me to know Vick is out there making millions of dollars and sucking ass on the field anyway. Please, any linebackers reading this, crush this guy’s skull into the ground.

(Redemption is when someone who was beaten down by the world rises up and accomplishes something great. Michael Vick’s story has nothing redeeming about it unless he ends up eaten by dogs. Please. Please. Please)

(Let’s pray one day Michael Vick ends up in this bag or one similar to it)

Football fans living in Pennsylvania, how do you do it? How do you find interest in a sport in your state when everyone seems to be a pedophile, a womanizer, or animal abuser? Maybe you should try hockey. The most well-known hockey player in Pennsylvania is Sidney Crosby. He’s a cry baby but at least I’m pretty sure he’d never hurt another human being with except with tears.

  1. I think Chevy Chase named himself after the city.
    Wait… you won’t defend me forever unless I see you naked first? That is a steep price to pay… but what the heck. When are you coming to Califronia again? We can work something out.
    The wrong number/invade Iraq line… priceless.
    And I agree, that guy should be fed to dogs… one limb at a time.

  2. You are my hero. I’m still stunned at how many people at Penn State still defend Paterno et al and are actually angry at the people who ruined their perfect little football fantasy by telling what Sandusky did. Unbelievable.

    And Michael Vick. I can only pray that he gets ripped to shreds by a pack of pit bulls. Meanwhile he’s still playing ball, as is Ray Rice. I don’t get it.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m not even familiar with what Ray Rice did. Maybe you mean Ray Lewis, a murderer. What happened to the days when only the Dallas Cowboys had the criminals? This is why I like baseball. The only crimes they commit are against the government. You have to pretend Lenny Dykstra doesn’t exist though.

      • I’m not sure what I was smoking when I wrote this. I meant Ray Lewis. Mr. Weebles is a Ravens fan, so he talks often of his hatred for Ray Lewis.

        Lenny….what an idiot. I’ll take Pete Rose over him anyday.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Pete Rose may not know how to get a decent haircut but at least he can wash your car without his hands all over ya.

  3. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t know a thing about Football, nor Baseball. Is that weird ? To be honest, I like soccer. Soccer players look very fit . Maybe I’m not American enough ? lol

  4. The Waiting says:

    I fall into the second category of people who dont follow football and just make fun of everyone who does. It would take a lot for me to start caring so much about a game. I already care an inordinate amount about reality TV so if I started following football I would only have about 5% of my brain left to care for my child.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t care for football much and never did. I went to one professional game and it involved too much standing and was very cold. I get why people like it but I’m impatient and can never like something that happens once a week and is full of murderers.

  5. Big lads in helmets is a good game – that Seattle catch thingymajig was talked about on the BBC – they got a load of complaints as it has absolutely no relevance to us in GB – what happend to Randolph Cunningham?- was he the token black guy in Happy Days? I always like New Jersey -the only state that sounds like a christmas present.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    I don’t watch American Football, unless it’s in a film like Longest Yard or the Replacements or whatever. But I like their jerseys. I have a collection and when I say collection, I mean two.

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