Tall Canadians

Posted: September 29, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Recently I read an article in the Huffington Post by Lily in Canada arguing against picking up dog poo. It’s sad to see such a nice young lady turn to drugs and come up with a crackpot theory. I’m not saying she’s doing crack or pot, I’m nearly observing how I think she’s doing them both at the same time.

(A computer’s prediction on how Lily in Canada might look in 3 months if she continues down this path)

You can read her argument here

Now that you’re all caught up let me say my argument in favor of picking up dog poo. First, let’s give you some background on who I am. I am a man who has picked up dog poo his entire life. My mom even invented a game called “Poop Patrol” which involved going out into the backyard with several plastic bags. Whoever picked up the heaviest bag (we didn’t actually weigh it, it was more done by sight) would win. The game wasn’t all that much fun because I was the only participant and it wasn’t so much a game as it was my only chore. I got older and realized if I didn’t pick up the dog poo then someone else would. This is an attitude I have continued to maintain. It wasn’t until I had to start taking care of my mom’s dog that I had no other option.

You see, I hate picking up dog poo. I like doing other gross things like cleaning out his ears then saying “Ewww!” in his face at all the gunk I get out. I do it anyway because it’s the rules. Lily in Canada would like to change these rules. Maybe in a perfect world this would work, but I do not live in a perfect world, I live in New Jersey. Lily argues that poop is biodegradable. True yet I have seen the same dog poop sitting outside by a tree for over a month now. I’m pretty sure it’s here to stay. I’ve named it Newton. By the time this poop biodegrades humans will have developed levitation powers. Perhaps this poop came from a special dog but until my dear Newton disappears into the soil, I win this one.

(Accept it Olivia Newton John, I named a pile of dog shit after your middle name. Get physical to that)

Lily goes onto argue people should look down to avoid stepping on the poo. This is fair but here’s some math, something you guys don’t have in Canada. My next door neighbors have three dogs. Each poops twice a day. That’s 6 poops a day. This adds up to 42 poops a week. Add in my dog who makes poops the size of those dogs and we’ve got an additional 14 poops raising the total to 56 poops every week. These are just the poops provided by two apartments. Add in the black family across the lot who never keep their dog on a leash, the black family around the corner who never keep their dog on a leash, and the black family who live in an unknown place who never keep their dog on a leash and we’ve got a number of poops approaching 100. I don’t know how gigantic your lawns are in Canada but if we didn’t pick up this poop then we’ve have nothing to step on but (no pun intended) the poop.

Present poop is a bigger issue than stepping on it. Poop is trouble to all the human senses. Who wants to look at poop? Unless it’s a big one in a toilet my friend has on his cell phone I don’t. Then there’s the smell! I know Lily is so incredibly tall that she has a better chance at smelling Saturn than she does poop on the ground so I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Us normal heighted people however are a nose scrape away from getting the stuff on our nose hairs. Touching poop is gross in itself and the sound it makes when you step on it is even worse. There’s also tasting poop. Some people are clumsy and always doing face first dives into the ground. With poop lying around there’s a chance they may get a mouthful. Nobody wants to eat poop. Not even me and I like Arby’s. Of course there’s also the sixth sense that poop invades. Imagine seeing a ghost and a pile of poop on your lawn? That’s too much to handle all at once.

(“I see dog shit. It’s everywhere.” – if The Sixth Sense took place where I live)

The main reason why I believe poop should be picked up is because not everyone has a dog or contributes to the problem. This is a bit of a Communist viewpoint, which I believe Lily in Canada is. Think about it, she once told me her favorite movie was Say Anything starring John Cusack. This came out in the 80s when the Russians were still a threat. She’s also never seen Hook starring Robin Williams. I don’t know about you but can you really trust someone who claims to have grown up in the 90s and has never seen a live action Peter Pan film starring Robin Williams? She’s also originally from Chicago. This is the home of John Wayne Gacy, Al Capone, and Lincoln Burrows, a fictional character who allegedly killed the vice president’s brother. Even Hollywood knows their made up characters are crooks. Ferris Bueller for instance, he got really good seats to the Cubs game last second. You don’t think he had to illegally buy those from a scalper?

(Even with the entire upper deck empty these are still really good seats on such short notice)

The verdict is simple, pick up after your dog because it’s just one of those things you do. The same reason you pick up after your dog is the same reason why you don’t take a dump on your own lawn. It’s just the way things are and that’s the simplest reason behind it.

  1. Smaktakula says:

    Moose, Ferris Beuller’s crimes don’t begin and end with the scalping of tickets. He’s a very, very wicked young man who brings doom and heartbreak to anyone who makes the mistake of befriending him.
    I think that he (bringing it all ’round) should be sentenced to Poop Patrol.

  2. haha! Is Lily going to read this? Maybe I’ll give her a nudge.
    I was on poop patrol for my whole childhood. We had three big dogs – big poop is eww. Luckily we had a house and a pretty good size yard so I could flick some of them with a stick to the perimeter. This probably helped me with my field hockey skills — I’m just realizing that for the first time!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I warned her this was coming. My breaking point was her posting about gold.

      I’m not sure if picking up all the poop I have has helped me with any skills. Smells don’t bother me much? I think there’s a cute Disney film somewhere out there about a high school girl who learns how to play sports through cleaning up poo.

  3. renxkyoko says:

    dad digs a hole at our backyard, and that’s where we deposit all the dog poops in one week. Then we cover it up with soil, then he digs another hole. That was when we had a Lab. Now we have a mini Aussie Shepherd.

  4. Lily says:

    I’m so confused. You mean you don’t poop on your front lawn? But in all seriousness, I think you won this debate mostly because you attacked me as a person and I like when people do that. And thanks for telling everyone that I’ve never seen Hook! How embarrassing.
    You win, okay?

  5. This is why I have cats. Much easier to just use the scoop.

  6. Addie says:

    She’s never seen Hook? *GASP*

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s the fact she was born in 1987 that makes it a travesty. Hook is one of those movies I would stop and watch no matter what point in the film it was on. The “Boo Box” still freaks me out.

      • Addie says:

        I read a great article where it was discussed how Robin and Dustin would eat tons of nasty stuff right before a nose to nose scene, to see who could gross out the other with their breath.

        Agreed on the Boo Box. Shame you’re not supposed to tell your kids it really exists.

      • Mooselicker says:

        They did have a lot of nose to nose scenes didn’t they? I think I’d be more afraid to tell me kids that Robin Williams was an action star and Dustin Hoffman was a Jewish pirate.

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