I think we all had a few relationships in middle school. I dated a girl who lived in Niagara Falls. We met at a summer camp nobody had ever heard the name of. She hated being photographed which is why whenever friends would ask me to prove to them that I had a girlfriend I had no way of doing so. She was definitely real though. Her name was Scarlett Johansson and I took her virginity. I’m not really sure whatever happened to her.

(And to think I broke up with her because she didn’t have a cool eraser on her pencils)

A middle school relationship is what I call any relationship built on false hopes and ideas. Not all relationships from 11-14 are like this. I’d say close to 100% are. It’s fine for a young kid to be in a dumb relationship with little meaning. Part of growing up is wasting your time on people you’ll never talk to again after your balls drop. It’s important we go through these bad relationships so that one day we can be aware enough to know we’re in a terrible marriage.

There are a few usual details a “middle school relationship” will have. The first is constant fighting. I don’t get being with someone when all you do is fight. If Pakistan or India could up and move themselves I’m sure they would. They can’t so they kill each other whenever they can. Many adults enter relationships with constant fighting and arguing. I’m not talking about cute bickering either. I’m talking about screaming at the top of your lungs, making all your friends feel uncomfortable fighting. Some people never grow out of this. Of course though, it’s never their fault. They just always fall for the wrong guy.

(“I know Lenny murdered those children but he’d never hurt me…again. And besides, doesn’t he look radiant in orange and behind glass?” – woman justifying being into bad boys)

Another thing I have noticed about middle school relationships is their longevity or lack thereof. Okay that last sentence was worded poorly. I’m not actually out there paying attention to who 12 year olds are kissing. I’m simply saying people who are constantly in short-term relationships still have their minds back in 7th grade. For the benefit of the doubt, sometimes a relationship needs to end quickly and with a guillotine’s force. It’s the constantly getting into the same situation when you need to wonder what you’re doing wrong. What are you probably doing wrong? Being yourself.

A true middle school relationship centers around one thing, the other person. You drop everything you’ve got going on to focus on that other living human being that will one day be dead and never remember a single nice thing you did for them. To steal a Jessica Alba line from a Dane Cook movie “I want to be in your life, I just don’t want to be your life” or something like that. I’m not sure. I was too busy wondering why I was watching a Dane Cook movie listening to Jessica Alba for advice. So many times someone will get into a new relationship and suddenly all they ever do or talk about is their new beau. It’s almost as if their lives did not begin until they met this person. But as Papa Roach says, “Our scars remind us, that the past is real.”

(Now I’m quoting Papa Roach? My vagina better start growing in soon or else I’m seeing a doctor)

Human behavior always interests me, especially when emotions are strong. People with middle school relationship syndrome will be certain this person they’re in a relationship with is the greatest human being ever. They say things like “Nobody understands me like she does”, “When I’m with him it’s like he’s not even there”, or “We can talk for hours up until the early morning hours and never get bored.” I could talk to fucking Santa Claus all night long and never get bored. Does that mean he’s someone special? No. All it means when you can talk to someone for hours is you have good chemistry. This does not mean you are soul mates. It means you should do a Podcast together and annoy as many radio stations as you can with your demo tape. Stop trying to seem divine and special. We both know if you’re up all night every night talking to someone your life is pretty empty because you yourself are empty.

I completely forget what the point I wanted to make in this post was. I simply had “Middle School Relationships” typed up in my Word Document. I spent the day eating almonds and occasionally stretching my legs. In that time somewhere I forgot the main course. Whether or not I said exactly what it was I wanted to say, I made myself clear enough. Many people never grow up when it comes to how they behave in a relationship. I guess that’s why Shakespeare once said “love is a mongoloid emotion, it makes you do dumb things only a complete retard might do.” He of course said it more poetically and in iambic pentameter. In the end there is no valuable lesson to be learned. My apologies if you came here looking for answers.

  1. Seb says:

    I think Facebook adds a new degree of drama and potential for salacious disaster with life-scarring consequences to middle school relationships these days

  2. rebecca2000 says:

    Well not having the right pencil erasers is EXACTLY the reason to break up with someone. My marriage almost ended because my husband had Gargamel instead of Papa Smurf on his pencil last week.

  3. Lily says:

    I had zero relationships in middle school. I was such a loser back then. But if I did, I could imagine smothering them and dropping all my friends to hang out with the love of my middle school life. Are you sure you didn’t break up with ScarJo for her husky voice?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I was the same way in middle school, I was merely an observer. Luckily tomorrow’s post is all about why I couldn’t get a relationship in middle school. So tragic.

      I’d break up with ScarJo for whispering into Bill Murray’s ear before I would over her voice.

  4. The Waiting says:

    I went to college with a girl who was still in a relationship with her 7th grade boyfriend. Once, when a group of us went out for dinner one night, we started talking about all our old flames, and she kept referring back to her 5th and 6th grade boyfriends completely seriously. It was kind of weird. But the thing is, she eventually married him and they are still together. I guess one girl’s awkward conversation at an Applebee’s is another girl’s loving relationship and happy life.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That seems like a mighty long time to be with anyone. I won’t say anything mean about her because you referred to her as someone you went to college with, not friend. It’s weird looking back at how jealous I was of some of those relationships. All the cool kids from back then are either dead or fat now.

  5. renxkyoko says:

    Middle school boys are retards. i don’t know why they even bother to go into relationships with their crushes when they know they’re going to break up with them anyways, in less than one month. Stupid, stupid.

  6. She didn’t have cool erasers on your pencil either…
    I am glad you live a rich fantasy life. That is almost as good as the real thing…
    If Jessica Alba offered to spend ten minutes with you, I bet you would damn well listen to any advice she had to offer…
    And I mean this in the nicest way possible, but we might all be better off taking relationship advice from Jessica Alba than from you. Or we could listen to the Papa Roach guy. Or that guy in the prison jumpsuit. He looks like he knows some stuff.
    (Just kidding… there is a lot of good advice in the world, and you are full of it)… (ha)…

  7. FatSquirrel says:

    Yeah, I had zero “girlfriends” in middle or high school. We moved every two years and I never figured out how. College was completely off the hook though and I fucked anything that would let me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      All the cool kids were alone in middle school and high school. I had one high school girlfriend and she went to a different school. Nobody believed me so when I threatened to jump off the school after we broke up I had no audience.

  8. I know someone who has been with her husband since she was 14. They’re now 33. It’s actually really sweet though. Whatever difficulties they’ve had were always kept private… unlike lots of other couples I know… who came damn near the middle school style broadcast.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m impressed two people could grow together for that long. Maybe they got all that friction out of the way early even? There are too many people in their 20s and 30s who seem like they’re still in MS. I think by the time people are in their 40s they’re too sad to argue with anyone.

  9. julesagray says:

    exactly WHERE did you take her virginity? HMMMM???

  10. I didn’t have any boyfriends when I was in middle school. Come to think of it, I didn’t have any when I was in high school, either. So I had to catch up on my dysfunctional relationships as an adult.

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    I never had a school relationship, I always had a thing for my science teacher Mrs. Clarke, man did she miss out.

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