Ever since my last post you have been sitting in front of your computer wondering why I was never in a relationship while in middle school. I was not always so incredibly cunning, articulate, friendly, or other things for which I am not but could probably convince someone online that I am. I have decided to make things clear, to all of you wondering, because I know you cannot sleep because you are wondering oh so bad, what the problems I had back in this time period in my life and why even the girl with scarlet fever thought me asking taking her to the 8th grade social would have been a downgrade.

(My old classmate Helen Keller who once said I ‘felt so ugly I could be confused for a dog.’ In this picture she thought she was touching my face)

Fat: What 13 year old girl wants to date a fat kid? None. Even the world’s fattest 13 year old girl has standards and Bieber Fever. She needs to be careful though, her heart is not strong enough to survive sick too long. I was so tremendously fat in middle school that some people thought I was off-limits to make fun of. That’s when you know you’re a mess, when people won’t tease you. Plenty other bullies picked up the slack. Several of them were fat fucks too which always threw me. Of course I turned my life around since and I am the well-adjusted adult you all know and love today who holds no ill-will against anything from his past.

Facial Hair: My parents fought about a lot of things. The silliest was about how my dad never taught me how to shave. I guess he was too busy or would be too tempted to slice my throat. My mom would shave my facial hair for me up until 10th grade when I finally decided I should do it myself. Before I was shaving though I had grown in some neck hair. This hair grew so long it almost became pubic. It was certainly fun to play with and no joy to stare at. I had this gross hair hanging from my neck for a year because my parents were too busy having emotional breakdowns or affairs to take notice. Like I said, no ill-will.

(Don Imus used to refer to me as a nappy neck haired ho)

Silence: I was and still am a pretty quiet person. I won’t say something for the sake of saying it like some assholes will (women). One time a kid told me I looked like a turtle. Instead of telling him to die or pointing out that he had a mole on his face I stared at him and get a little teary-eyed. Girls like a guy who has witty comebacks. I had none. You need to be quick on your feet to impressive girl in middle school. Why do you think they all have pictures of Don Rickles in their lockers?

Weird: I have faced facts; I will always be a little odd. This is a good thing sometimes. In middle school it’s a death sentence to loneliness. I can’t think of anything particularly weird I did in middle school that completely turned girls off. I had crust on the side of my nose a lot and I always did my homework. Seriously, I never once didn’t do my homework in 6th grade. I was such a goody-two-shoes you’d think I would have some positive goal in my life like curing racism. Instead my only positive goal is not leaving this world with a bomb strapped to my chest. Again, ill-will.

(Jesse Eisenberg about to blow the bomb strapped to his chest. He’s angry about all the pressure he has on him and the lack of talent he has to meet this pressure)

Fashion: When it comes to fashion I am not as lost as some other guys. I don’t shop at designer stores or anything but I think I dress myself well enough where personality comes through and I don’t look totally ridiculous. Can you really go wrong with jeans and a black t-shirt? Back in middle school my clothing choice consisted of overly baggy jeans to compensate for my very large waist, t-shirts of obscure minor league baseball teams that when told to people what they were only ever got an “oh” response, and worst of all was my gym clothes selection, cut-off sweat pants. My mom said wearing normal sweat pants for gym would get me too hot. She took an old pair of sweats and cut them off at the knee. Did she not realize a boy should never show his knees in public? I blame this attire for always being last picked. Although when I think about it being fat, weird, quiet, and having disgusting facial hair probably didn’t help my case either.

How disgustingly strange were you when you were younger? Do you think you ever had a teacher who wanted to kill you for being such a loser?

Comments
  1. Seb says:

    I was threatened with expulsion from Havre De Grace High School for writing a poem which implied that Adam and Eve had sex. My dad was so outraged he pulled me out of the school and sent me to an inner city school in Baltimore. I’m not sure whose side he was on there, in the long run!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thinking outside the box and school do not go together. I too had to suffer because of originality. I didn’t have to change schools though. I think you win this contest.

  2. Kana Tyler says:

    This topic has been on my mind this month because my youngest son (#6 of our 7) just started Junior High. His pronouncement the other day that he’s figured out how to deal with bullies (“laugh at them,” he says) leaves me with a strangely split reaction… One side is saying, “yeah, good thinking”… While the Mama-Bear in me is roaring, “BULLIES?!” Mama Bear needs to let her kids laugh away their own bullies, though—I know this. I haven’t decided if it was worse to BE the nerdy outcast goody-two-shoes (I WAS, and got the tar beat out of me in the girls’ room) or to watch my kids deal with it. So far, though, I think he’s doing better than I did. (Among other things, I didn’t learn to laugh them off.) Here’s hoping! 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s very mature of your kid to even think to laugh it off. I think I was 18 before I realized it was a good defense. I usually just tried behaving more sinister. You’ve raised your kids well, or at least this one, if he already has this attitude.

  3. Brother Jon says:

    I think you just described MY middle school years, it’s uncanny. The only difference is I still have a little bit of a weight problem.

  4. Lemme check…hmm, right, I got 5 out of 5. Ha! Fortunately, I belong to the percentage of women who have this sexy (right) facial hair. I was tempted to wax it off but I was told they would get thicker. Grr, if only I live somewhere in Europe where women couldn’t be bothered while growing their hair. I was told you could grow your armpit hair up to a foot and you still wouldn’t be jailed. That’s totally amazing! It’s all the media’s fault for promoting baby-like bodies, it really is. When anything goes wrong, you can blame it all to the media and everyone just has to agree. What I really want to say though is that I feel you. Yuck, that’s gross.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Feeling me is gross? Well thanks. Now I feel like I’m back in middle school again.

      I’m pretty sure everyone back in MS had a ton of problems. It was all a matter of how well you could hide them. Mustaches can be tough though. You could have tried a scarf perhaps?

  5. Well now I am just sad and feeling sorry for you. Thanks a million. And I even feel bad for teasing you now, even though you are so ‘well adjusted’.
    If it makes you feel any better, I have no fashion sense. And I like that about me. It saves me money, made me look like a rebel when I was young, made me proud that girls still liked me even though I didn’t dress well, have money or a nice car. And not worrying about clothes freed up my mind for getting in trouble in clever ways. I didn’t have a wardrobe, I had an interesting life and a personality.

    • Mooselicker says:

      No need to feel bad. If I felt bad about these things I’d bottle them up and hide them away.

      Isn’t it always our problems that make us a more interesting person in the long run? Nobody wants to read a book about a guy who owns a fancy car. They want to read a book about a guy who gets in trouble because he has no fancy car.

  6. Middle school really may as well be Lord of the Flies. It’s just miserable for most people, I think. I wasn’t odd enough to have teachers dislike me, but I was odd and quirky and shy. And I was taller than anyone else in my class, which didn’t exactly make me the most popular girl.

    Man, those were icky times.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The only teachers who liked me were the ones that pitied me. I’m shocked tall girls weren’t popular in your school. There was one girl I knew that was awkwardly tall but then everyone caught up to her and then she became popular. Too bad it’s not that way with guys. I grew maybe one inch since 8th grade and my shins are the same size as the day I was born.

  7. The Waiting says:

    I’m sure if you had a pulse back then, I still would have had a crush on you. I was totally boy-crazy. The one thing you have to remember about middle schoolers is that they are so incredibly self conscious that they barely notice how awkward their peers are. They are totally focused on themselves.

    I wrote a post once about me as a middle schooler. It will likely make you rethink the comparative level of your awkwardness.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So true. I think a lot of people in general are so self-conscious about their own problems. I think it’s not so much not noticing now that we’re older but we really don’t care if the other person has something wrong with them, we just don’t want them finding out what’s wrong with us.

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