Two people have told me in my lifetime that I give off a strong sexual vibe. One person was drunk and the other I’m making up. I guess you could say though if someone gives off good enough sexual vibes then people wouldn’t be going up and telling them. To give off truly good vibes the people will become hypnotized. They will not even realize they are under your spell. So for argument’s sake, I am awesome at giving off sexual vibes. Today, I teach you on how to follow in my footsteps.
I am always straddling things. By straddling I mean placing my feet on opposite sides of an item. These items include and are not limited to library catalogue drawers, dog poo, dead friends, a defeated enemy, or spilt food. Straddling something sends off the sexual vibe that you’re dominant and in charge. Try straddling on whatever you can for a day. If you do it right then girls will be so intimidated by your straddling that they will call you “the weird guy who humps everything.” You know you’ve made it into a girl’s heart once she has a nickname for you.
(A perfect straddling example. Legs are open, feet are firmly placed down, and the item she’s sitting on is phallic shaped. Too bad the cannon isn’t white)
2) Leg Flexibility
There was a part in the new Batman movie where Anne Hathaway gets off her motorcycle thing. Instead of clumsily rolling off like unsexy people would do, she carefully stretches her leg over top the front and brings her feet together. In olden days hip flexibility was seen as a sign you might be divine. Jesus did ass-to-grass squats every day of his life he has such great mobility. It doesn’t matter which way you bend your legs, as long as you’re twisting them around people will take notice. They’ll want to be strangled with your legs if you do this properly.
(A girl told me when Princess Diaries was popular that she liked Anne Hathaway because she would never be naked in a movie. I want to tell her to rent Love & Other Drugs. It made me a fan of hers)
3) Use Your Legs Like Arms
Similar to the above yet somewhat differently, the legs are very important to sending out sexual vibes. The legs are the largest sex organ we have. Of course someone reading this probably has abnormally large ears and is missing their legs so that person may skip over the sentence you just read. I use my legs to do a lot of things my hands could do. I open doors, close doors, move heavy objects, and punch with my legs. Some may argue punching with your legs is called a kick. I disagree. Kicking is what you do in sports. There are no sports involving punching.
(It’s not a punch, it’s a fist kick)
4) Play With Your Hair
You can use your hands or if your hair is long enough simply throw it back like you have a spider crawling along your scalp. Both men and women enjoy seeing members of the opposite sex touch their hair. I never got girls who were into men with shaved heads. Can’t they just date a newborn baby? At least a newborn baby won’t play video games all day long. I’m sure they would but they haven’t developed the motor skills yet. I always know a girl is feeling my vibes when she begins playing with her hair. Sometimes she begins to chew it and that’s when I know to back off.
(She’s clearly way too young to be playing with her hair. Wait a few more years sweetheart. Don’t pretend you’re Abe Lincoln when you do it)
5) Point With Your Crotch
The other day a man asked me for directions to the children’s hospital as his son sat in the backseat bleeding out the ears. Instead of pointing which way to go like a cold fish, I thrusted my hips westward. I pointed with my crotch. This is very simple logic. Go to the mall and point at someone ugly. Suddenly everyone in the mall will see you pointing. Their focus will go onto what you’re pointing at and what is doing the pointing. If you point with your crotch then your crotch begins to get some attention. Men should always walk with their hips forward. This is something I have read from pick-up artists. I think it has something to do with how you will probably bump into a lot of people and if you’re going to bump into them you mine as well grind against them when you do. The next time someone asks you where the fire is, be sure to point with your crotch. You might get a cute fireman’s phone number out of it.
(The Pope points with his finger and I point with my crotch. Who do you think gets more chicks? Whose advice are you going to take? His? You’re just feeling guilty today is all)
What are some other things we can do to send off a sexual vibe? Don’t say rape. That’s behaving too forward.