Everyone reading this right now eats. Knowing what I do about you, you probably eat way too much. It’s fine. I eat a lot too. In the last year alone my eating escapades have included an entire box of cereal three times in one sitting, an entire roasted chicken in one standing (sitting would have only delayed eating time), and most happily my adventure eating an entire stick of butter just because I could. Maybe the butter was actually two years ago but I’m mentioning it anyway because I’m trying to impress women here. The way to a man’s heart is by being impressed with how much he can eat. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today, the eating habits we have from the time we’re birthed to the time we tragically die skydiving at age 90.

(Last Wednesday I was sick so I ate a box of waffles and a box of Wheat Thins because you’re supposed to starve a cold and feed a fever. I had a fever. I had to make sure to feed it)

When we’re first born we can’t eat much. We either suck everything out from a tit (oh to be a baby again) or have crummy mashed fruits and vegetables. I think it was 4 years ago when I actually bought a thing of baby food to taste it. Very disappointing. The baby on the label looked much happier than I was. I don’t remember eating at all when I was a baby. I do remember seeing one picture of me at around 3-4 when I wasn’t fat. Really, a picture of me not looking fat was the rarest thing on earth. Indiana Jones would have risked his life to find this relic. I must have been a bad boy and was denied food for a while because there’s no other explanation for why the boy who had to be tempted with candy to finally use the toilet would look so slim.

(Lifesavers are what my mom gave me once I finally took a dump in the real toilet. I don’t remember how old I was but I was old enough to remember her sitting on the tub’s edge staring at me as I let my chips fall)

Once school starts eating becomes more of a social thing. At a young age we eat to survive and block out the pain of not having every toy we want. In elementary school they made us sit with our classes to eat lunch. I guess they thought this was safer than having kids run around all over the place. Then scientists did tests on the food they were serving and realized they were killing us with cardboard pizza. I bought lunch 4 days of the week I was such a foodie. I only cried once about lunch because it was chicken cheesesteak and my dad told me it was regular cheesesteak. I cried so hard I was hoping they would send me hope. God forbid I try something new. And guess what, I actually liked chicken cheesesteak! That’s what I miss most about kindergarten, crying and getting sent home which I did very often.

When middle school started we got to pick who we sat with. Or I can put that another way and say the girls got to choose not to sit anywhere near me. The cafeteria food was a bit better and they had real Dominos every Friday. For I think $8 you could buy an entire pie. The key to this was not bringing lunch on Fridays. You would befriend a rich kid who nobody liked and would have cash to buy an entire pie. Even I have never finished an entire pizza. Toward the end of lunch the person you’re taking advantage of will see he has a lot of food left. Not wanting to be wasteful he would offer you a slice or two. My friends caught onto the strategy me and another fat kid used every Friday. He was actually poor. I was just a master of manipulation.

(Stupid Matt would grease himself up and carry an empty bowl with him in hopes people would toss pizza into it. Stupid kid. You can’t eat pizza from a bowl)

I only ate lunch in high school the first two years. The lines were so long that it wasn’t worth it if you weren’t first in line. I usually spent lunch doing homework. My time at home was the time I could eat. This was also around the same age when you could go out with your friends and eat. I think I went out for pizza once with a friend. My dad took us then he went outside to smoke because at least his cigarettes couldn’t grow up to be queer like he was certain I was on my way to. The worst was always going out with your family to eat and seeing classmates there without adult supervision. You’d always have to pretend your parents weren’t your parents; they were kidnappers who happened to have the same hairlines. I remember at Pizza Hut telling my parents to call me Scott because I was so embarrassed of a kid whose mom drove a school bus of making fun of me.

After high school ends you’re pretty much on your own when it comes to eating. Your parents toss you out on the street with a bag of bread and an egg and flip you the bird then send you on your way. At least this is what my life was. Adults have strange eating habits. Adults either have no shame or all they do is have shame. I’ve seen hot girls eating in their cars. My hand to God’s nose or however the saying goes, hot girls! What’s a hot girl doing eating in her car? That’s where creeps like me eat. Look under my car seats, there are pieces of food I haven’t eaten in months. I guess it’s better than what other adults do. Adults who attack any piece of food they see like they’re some starving mouse. I never want turn into someone without dignity.

(You’re so beautiful! Put the cake down! You’re going to end up working in my office if you don’t and your life will revolve around the monthly birthday celebration)

I’m not sure what really old people do foodwise. My only inkling is my grandfather yelling at me to keep my elbows off the table. Does prune juice still exist? I know geezers like that stuff because when you get to a certain age you drink foods that in their solid form resemble your face.

  1. The Waiting says:

    Old people mash all the food on their plate together. The peas and potatoes and meat all intermingle. It’s kind of sad, when you think about it, since it’s so similar to baby food. Life is so cyclical.

  2. Ummm… we only had kids so I could have an excuse to try baby food. The banana isn’t that bad, but not what you would call exciting. Remember that babies have never eaten steak or chocolate cake or lobster, so they have nothing to judge their food by. You can grind up any food item and fool a baby into eating it. Stupid babies.
    On the other hand, babies can ne notoriously picky, choosey, finicky eaters, and it can get worse when they get older. Now shut up and eat your vegetables. How can ya have any pudding if ya don’t eat your vegetables?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Between the two of us we know way too much about the taste of baby food. Doesn’t it look delicious though? It’s something Willy Wonka would have in his factory.

  3. Bacon-wrapped ham. Shut the front door, that’s good stuff.

  4. Addie says:

    I ate my famous pretend chili rellenos tonight. Does that help solve your dilemma over the what do old people eat? I also had three Rolaids for dessert.

  5. Seb says:

    In college I discovered mac and cheese. I never have make another food based choice again because m&c is truly a superfood – until you mix in a can of Hormel Texas style chilli and then it simply becomes god’s food. But mac & cheese you can eat from your nonage to your dotage.

  6. joehoover says:

    Lifesavers are called Fruit Polo’s here. Isn’t calling them Lifesavers misleading, what if someone was dying of a heart attack in the street, I would hazard a guess that force feeding them lifesavers may not do what it proclaims.

  7. An entire chicken while standing? That’s impressive. WOW!! (See, I’m being all impressed and stuff.) But I threw up a little in my mouth thinking about eating an entire stick of butter.

    I have some pretty crappy food habits, but I too have never eaten a whole pizza in one sitting. But I have no problem eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s in one shot. That’s a cinch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So you’ve got a sweet tooth then, eh? I’ve thought about getting a dozen donuts and eating them all. I haven’t because I’d never be able to decide which one I want to eat last.

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