Bad Foods

Posted: October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I have made it no secret how much I love food. I have seen sandwiches I wanted to have sex with. Other than Swiss cheese or a bagel I’m not sure how one would go about doing “it” with food. I guess you could stick just about anything up your butt. Then there’s the whole question on how lesbians have sex. I’m not going to get into that. If I question someone’s lifestyle or how they go about things I will seem insensitive. I’ve lived long enough to know you’re better off being lost than asking questions so you understand things better. Scissoring aside, there are a few edible items however that I do not have much love for. Believe it or not, there are some foods I think are bad.

Ham: I do not like ham. It’s the only animal flesh I get a little sick thinking about. Hamburgers are great but it’s plain ham that grosses me out. It’s salty, pink, and I imagine it to be the way a tire might taste. What’s wrong with eating turkey on the holidays? Turkeys are much more obnoxious than pigs, let’s kill them and feast instead. I also seem to be the only person on earth who doesn’t like bacon. I think hot dogs are wonderful so it’s not my inner Muslim coming out. If you ever have me over for dinner and want me to go home hungry, serve up some ham.

(What fat kid ever would agree to be called Ham? Not only is it dead flesh, it comes from the token lazy fat animal, the pig. Maybe this is why Patrick Renna grew up to be a Scientologist)

Fried Calamari: There was a point when I loved fried calamari. It lasted about two months and now I literally want to throw up whenever I think about it. I would actually leave me house to get fried calamari from a local fish place. That’s right, when my parents were still providing me with groceries I would leave the home and spend my own money for food I loved it so much. I think what happened was I ate too much of it. The creepiest thing is this was the kind of calamari that looks like calamari, with the creepy legs and such. I’ve heard the average person eats 10 spiders a year while sleeping. Eating fried calamari is like eating two dozen giant spiders in one sitting.

(Fry this up and call it calamari. No one will notice the difference because people who eat so many fried foods are in denial about way too much already)

Spaghetti: I don’t hate spaghetti by any stretch. If someone handed me a bowl of spaghetti I would eat it no problem. I just think it’s a very overrated food is all. Baked ziti is where it’s at. You can put a piece of baked ziti into your mouth, blow into it, and a whistling sound will come out. I know, badass right? I know I’m going to sound like a dirty Guinea here but my mom made the best baked ziti with meat sauce. Eating plain spaghetti feels like you’re eating pure future bottom of the stomach fat. When I eat I like to at least give my body a shot at not getting fatter.

Ribs: Again, I don’t mind ribs but I really do mind having incredibly messy fingers. Chicken wings are different. I could eat chicken wings until the cows come home then laugh about how all the chickens were slaughtered so I had an appetizer to dip into my bleu cheese. I think I ate ribs once at a barbecue. It was in 2008 when everyone had Obama-mania. Ribs were all anybody had.

(Do you know how I know God isn’t black? He didn’t dip Eve in barbecue sauce)

Those Orange and Green Fruits in a Fruit Salad: Don’t you hate those fuckers at the bottom of a fruit salad? Fuckers is the only thing I know to call them. They’re some kind of melon. The worst thing about them I believe is they are the first thing the evil fruit salad creators put into the container. They’re always at the bottom so that way you buy your fruit salad thinking you’ve just got delicious blueberries, strawberries, kiwis, and watermelon. Then you get to the bottom and see these assholes sitting there completely tasteless. I don’t waste food very often but sometimes I will toss these out my car window.

Seltzer: It’s not food but Seltzer sucks. They try to give it flavors so you’re tricked into thinking you’re drinking more than disgusting flavored water. How about you just piss in my mouth instead? My sister once said at Six Flags that she was so thirsty she would drink Seltzer. I guess it’s an acquired taste that comes from having terrible DNA.

(One of the first pictures that came up when typing “Seltzer Fan” into Google. not only does he look like this, he’s waiting to see Vampires Suck, a film by Aaron Seltzer. Yuck)

Walnuts: I have had a nut obsession these last few months. I’ve been eating peanuts or almonds for lunch and every so often I’ll get pistachios to pull apart while I take a bath. I tried walnuts because I’m a fan of nuts and also think walls are very important. I was very disappointed. Walnuts taste like old people fingers. I have never tasted old people fingers in this lifetime but a psychic once took $10 from me and said I had tasted them in my past life. Wet walnuts are wonderful though because they’re smothered in a disgusting high fructose corn syrup ejaculate. Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of eating a healthy nut? It’s like those people we know who go to the gym 5 days a week and eat like shit. Has it ever occurred to them to maybe skip a few desserts and they’d actually see results?

How about you, what are some foods you hate? Don’t say cheese. I eat cheese by the block.

  1. Yah says:

    I think The spider comment has permanently scarred me from calamari. So gross

  2. Brother Jon says:

    Yeah, I agree with the ribs thing, except I don’t like chicken wings.

  3. The Waiting says:

    OMG, the remnants of a fruit salad are so depressing! I hate that crap too! I like mostly everything, but I DO hate eggplant. It disgusts me. I hate its texture, it has no flavor, and cooking with it is a bitch. Plus it looks like a capsule where a rat would gestate.

  4. Now you are back to your old self. That first paragraph was shocking even for you, even though I bet if you put your mind to it you could figure out thousands of kinds of food to have sex with in thousands of ways. I think you took the easy way out.
    Now try going to a blog called…I think… outlawblogdotcom… and tell me if it works so I can start adding to it.

  5. Baked Ziti rules, and MY grandmother made the best ziti around :)….you forgot to add eggsalad and deviled eggs to the list of disgusting foods….
    I love cheap selzer water so I’ll drink your allotment.

  6. I’ve never been a fan of ham. The consistency and smell make me nauseous. And don’t get me started on ribs. Making such a mess and tearing at the bone make me feel like a savage. It was about time somebody took these foods down a notch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If elected president I will ship those disgusting foods over to the nations without any food. They’ll probably hate us and would rather starve but it looks nice on paper.

  7. Pete Howorth says:

    I hate Lamb, I hate the taste, the chewyness and the fact that lambs are so cute.

    I hate Snails, or escargo or whatever those French idiots call it, who saw a snail sliding slowly across a floor and thought, “I’ll pop that in a pan and suck out the insides.” when I was in France my workmates got me drunk then convinced me to try it, I remember waking up almost throwing up all over the floor, could have partially had something to do with the vast cocktail of alcohol swishing in my stomach but I’m sure slimy snails didn’t help.

    I hate Muscles, like Snails, so slimy and … ugh.

    I hate mushrooms, I remember being force fed some spaghetti bolognese as a kid and I didn’t want it because it had mushrooms in it, they made me eat it for breakfast, dinner and tea for three days until I scraped it out of the window and had the dog eat it.

    I hate salad, hence the reason my six pack has a protective layer.

  8. Calamari is better in theory than in practice. Those chewy, rubbery rings. Blechh. I’m not a huge rib fan either—I just don’t like having to do so much work for so little payoff. And I hate walnuts. It annoys me that so many people insist on putting them in cookies and brownies.

  9. Seb says:

    I draw the line at liver. They say it is supposed to be good for you but hell, Communism was supposed to be good for you, too – and you know who likes Communism? Communists, that’s who!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Couldn’t they at least change the name to something else? Cow tongue sounds pretty gross too.

      I thought the Communists were the good guys now. I keep losing track.

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