Glory Days

Posted: October 24, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

We all know the stereotype of the high school jock who continues living his glory days long after graduating. He still has his varsity jacket, talks about “the big game” all the time, and he’s gotten fat and gained a drinking problem. I used to think these people were nerdy screenwriters trying to get vengeance on the jocks who they wish they were in high school but I know for a fact people like this really do exist. Like aliens, people obsessed with their glory days are out there.

(An X-Files poster. And as my friend Rob always points out, how do they not believe in aliens when in the pilot episode they nearly get abducted?)

The person I will talk about here is someone I guess you could say I was “close” to. By close I mean one time he tried wrestling me. He climbed onto my back and to get him off I comically kept ramming him into the wall because I fight dirty. This man was a guy my mom dated. He was a guy whose glory days were far away into the past.

The first sign that my mom’s relationship with this man would be a mess was the fact they met at an AA meeting. A more loving couple could meet while executing a terrorist attack than at an AA meeting. The guy didn’t drive anymore because of all the DUIs he had. He owned a gigantic truck for work which was incredibly obnoxious. The only good thing was I could see it from 5 miles away and I’d know I should hide somewhere else until he left.

My mom first introduced me to him on an August evening. I hope if I’m ever divorced and have to introduce new girlfriends or boyfriends (you never know, I could become infected with the gay bug) to my children I do it differently. Everyone I know, whenever they start dating someone new, forces the person down my throat. Suddenly they’re no longer who they used to be. Now they’re one entity and I cannot talk to one without the other there to chime in. The guy seemed fine at first. My mom told me he played hockey for the Montreal Canadians at one point but for some reason this was never brought up and I could find nothing on the Internet about it. I asked him about this and he said he never ice skated in his life. Either my mom misheard him or he was the worst player ever and all history of him in the NHL has been erased.

(The worst wrestling gimmick ever, The Goon. I think my 4th grade class photo had the same background)

The guy’s main story he would always tell was about how he was a high school wrestler. Who am I kidding, this was his only story. He never even talked about any legendary matches. All he talked about was trying to sweat off pounds and ringworm. He still did have his varsity jacket too which is such a jerk thing. He’d try on numerous occasions to get me to be more physically active. He even bought me a silver insolated suit that could help me sweat extra to drop some weight. I think my biggest mistake was actually using and enjoying this gift. Scratch that. My biggest mistake was wearing the pants to the gym once.

(I see they’re called sauna suits. Screw getting your wife a trip to the spa. Buy her one of these and put cucumbers over her eyes and it’s the same basic concept)

Despite both were in AA, their drinking problems persisted. I’m not sure who the troublemaker was between the two, but if you put two addicts together one will probably break down and take the other with them. My mom’s boyfriend always insisted he would one day take us to his cabin in Quebec. The guy lived with his mother (I don’t live with her, she lies with me!) and still had a Canadian cabin? Why do I have a feeling this cabin was incredibly alone up there and in a town without police?

My mom knew how much we disliked the guy and one time they slept outside in the driveway in his truck rather than come inside because “he didn’t feel welcomed.” What about me who didn’t feel safe with some strange man who wrestles me in the house? I really didn’t hate the guy though. What I hated was invasiveness into my life. Between the ages of 13-18 my house was a revolving door of random people coming and going. I like to describe it as a soap opera cast where instead of killing off characters you’re replaced with new actors to play the same person. My family was clearly broken and having other people from broken homes entering wasn’t doing any good for anyone

My favorite memory of the guy though was when he explained to me what his life’s goal was, to teach retarded people how to play the stock market. Huh? First off if you want to work with retarded people you don’t call them retarded, you call them something nicer like mentally disabled or waterheads. I attempted once to record a conversation with the guy on how he would go about teaching retarded people to play the stock market. It turned into a drunken tirade about high school wrestling and would be pointless in searching for on my old computer. If the current state of the American economy suggests anything maybe it’s that he did achieve his dream. A lot of people who do run Wall Street are pretty retarded so kudos to him for destroying America.

(It’s hard for me to decide who I hate more, the retards pictured here or the entitled dummies outside with all the shiny posters whining about how they can’t afford everything they want)

  1. Lily says:

    I really liked this post. I like snapshots of people’s lives. I didn’t know about this little tidbit. Which makes me mad because I like to think that I know pretty much everything about you. The sauna suit is amazing and now on my Christmas list.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I honestly forgot he existed. He’d easily be in my Top 5 Strangest People I’ve Met category. He’d be #1 on the list of People Who Have Tried to Pin Me.

      Worst thing about the sauna suit, it works and you’re stuck with a disgusting sweaty garbage bag.

  2. joehoover says:

    We don’t have a species like that in the UK. Must be quanrantine issue, they are not allowed to leave the States.

  3. Addie says:

    I’m sorry you had to deal with a fucktard like this. I guess I took the easy way out–I didn’t date during the time my kids were home after NameRedacted left. They had enough to deal with with his poor decisions in partners, I figured they needed some place where there wasn’t drama. You could have hung out at our house and watched bad SyFy channel with us.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Back then wouldn’t it have been SciFi still? This was back before channels actually lived up to their name and didn’t just put whatever programming they could get on there.

      It wasn’t the worst thing in the world and it made for a lot of funny moments at times although it would have been nice to have somewhere else to go.

      • Addie says:

        We were ahead of our time and called it SyFy. Either way, there would have been a place for you in front of the TV and your own bowl of popcorn (we aren’t big on sharing).

  4. I have mixed feelings about this post. I despise the jocks and popular people who never moved on. On the other hand I miss everything about my teen years… the music, the cloths, the girls, the cars… I am an Arty-fact of the 70’s…sigh.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you miss having an enemy. Now whenever you try to pick on someone you’re an adult bully. Back when you were young and in the 70s you could be a hero who stood up for the lower people in society. Or maybe you’re having a mid-life crisis.

  5. Sorry Tim. I moment I saw that x-files poster I got sidetracked into youtubing X-Files videos to hear the theme song again. And then I watched some trailers. And then I reminisced my childhood days when me and my mom would watch episodes of Scully and Mulder battling the unexplained.

    It took me exactly two hours to read your post.

    This guy sounds like a putz. Did he actually wrestle you at home? Hockey players usually have the added talent of wrestling in them too. Makes them more sellable.

    If my current Halloween costume idea falls to shit, I’m calling dibs on the sauna suit. I get so cold in late October 😦

    • Mooselicker says:

      2 hours is a new record and you should wear that badge with honor.

      Of course he really tried wrestling me! It was completely unsolicited too. It’s not like I wanted to be on the wrestling team or anything. He just wanted to show me how to grab another man properly.

      Get the sauna suit irregardless (I spelt that wrong I think). You’ll feel like an sweaty astronaut.

  6. He sounds horrendous. I’m sorry you couldn’t get away from this guy, that must have been pretty awful, having him in your life like that. Ecch. You could write a book about your upbringing, Tim. It would be fascinating reading. Although I don’t know how much fun it would be to write. Also, I hate couples who suddenly become joined at the pancreas and have to do everything together, and even if you were BFFs with one of them, suddenly you can’t do anything anymore without the two of them being there.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Already at work on the book! First I gotta publish the one about all the girls who were ever mean to me or didn’t live up to the hype.

      It’s such an immature thing when couples become one in the same. I think whenever older people find someone new they do that because it makes them feel young again. I’m not sure if that’s true yet, I’ll find out during my second marriage.

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