Some say the most important thing you can give another person is your virginity. I argue the most important thing you can give a person is whatever the newest version of Call of Duty is. Is that game still popular? The last video game I played was Madden 2004. I’m not exactly up to date on what the latest trends are in the video game world and in order to stay in the loop I usually go up to a dirty looking kid at the mall and ask him why he’s there. Usually it’s to buy the latest video game when it’s not to look at the smut at Spencer’s. The second most important thing you can give a person after a cool video game is time. Time is something we can never get back. Everything else is replaceable but time happens once.
Spending time with someone can always cheer them up if they don’t hate you. Old people are real big on this. They don’t care what you do as long as you’re present there with them. That’s how I know I’m not completely old yet. I don’t need to be present with someone to feel like they’re giving me time. Simply knowing someone is thinking about me satisfies me enough. Some couples are like this. I never believe someone when they say “It doesn’t matter what we do, I just like being near you.” I don’t even like being near me. You’re a liar. You really don’t care what we do? Okay, sit in the corner and face the wall while I watch a movie. We’re still together so you should feel as if I’m giving you the time you need.
(An ex-girlfriend of mine)
The thing about time that bugs me though is we give more time to people we don’t even know. We’ll spend more time listening to popular music recorded by some dead idiots than we will listening to our friend’s CD once. This seems really shitty to me. For instance, everyone I know will spend more time today reading other websites than checking out my blog. What the heck? I take this as their way of saying “Perez Hilton’s opinions and emotions are more important to me than the opinions of someone I know and can influence.” I go back to the waste of space friend I had who always made excuses why he couldn’t go into NYC to see one of my standup shows yet the following weekend he managed to go see the stupid wax museum. He was willing to spend more time staring at wax statues than making a friend of his feel loved. I have no regrets telling those bullies where he lived.
(A young Beyonce with a wax version of herself. They could be sisters! And by sisters I mean two black chicks, not actually related)
I always make sure I give people time whenever they ask for it. It’s become an important thing to me. A lot of us get caught up in how much time we have left to accomplish something then get frustrated because we don’t think it’s very much. There’s always time for everything though. Nobody is that busy. If you watch television you are not a busy person. If you go out drinking you are not a busy person. If you wipe yourself after a poo you are not a busy person. These are all luxury potential time wasters. The time we spend doing things to kill our minds, bodies, or cleaning our asses could be spent doing something so much more valuable.
The biggest problem people have with time is managing it. I’m fabulous at managing time. I have come to the conclusion that having time is the most incredibly valuable thing I can give myself. I could work more but then I’d have less time to enjoy life. There are so many things I want to do in life that I’m almost hoping I do run out of time to do them all. What happens after I do everything I want to do? I rot away until I die? It’s impossible to time things perfectly where your plane crashes right after doing everything you have to do in life. You should want to die with unfinished business. It sends a good message to everyone else how there is no time to waste and that you made good use of what time you had and could have used more.
(Mark Twain died before finishing a lot he had planned on accomplishing. The most important thing he never got a chance to get around to was learning racial tolerance)
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Unless of course you only read the first and last paragraph. If you did that here then you have a lot of extra time now to do something else. I hope you make the best of it you bastard.