Some say the most important thing you can give another person is your virginity. I argue the most important thing you can give a person is whatever the newest version of Call of Duty is. Is that game still popular? The last video game I played was Madden 2004. I’m not exactly up to date on what the latest trends are in the video game world and in order to stay in the loop I usually go up to a dirty looking kid at the mall and ask him why he’s there. Usually it’s to buy the latest video game when it’s not to look at the smut at Spencer’s. The second most important thing you can give a person after a cool video game is time. Time is something we can never get back. Everything else is replaceable but time happens once.

Spending time with someone can always cheer them up if they don’t hate you. Old people are real big on this. They don’t care what you do as long as you’re present there with them. That’s how I know I’m not completely old yet. I don’t need to be present with someone to feel like they’re giving me time. Simply knowing someone is thinking about me satisfies me enough. Some couples are like this. I never believe someone when they say “It doesn’t matter what we do, I just like being near you.” I don’t even like being near me. You’re a liar. You really don’t care what we do? Okay, sit in the corner and face the wall while I watch a movie. We’re still together so you should feel as if I’m giving you the time you need.

(An ex-girlfriend of mine)

The thing about time that bugs me though is we give more time to people we don’t even know. We’ll spend more time listening to popular music recorded by some dead idiots than we will listening to our friend’s CD once. This seems really shitty to me. For instance, everyone I know will spend more time today reading other websites than checking out my blog. What the heck? I take this as their way of saying “Perez Hilton’s opinions and emotions are more important to me than the opinions of someone I know and can influence.” I go back to the waste of space friend I had who always made excuses why he couldn’t go into NYC to see one of my standup shows yet the following weekend he managed to go see the stupid wax museum. He was willing to spend more time staring at wax statues than making a friend of his feel loved. I have no regrets telling those bullies where he lived.

(A young Beyonce with a wax version of herself. They could be sisters! And by sisters I mean two black chicks, not actually related)

I always make sure I give people time whenever they ask for it. It’s become an important thing to me. A lot of us get caught up in how much time we have left to accomplish something then get frustrated because we don’t think it’s very much. There’s always time for everything though. Nobody is that busy. If you watch television you are not a busy person. If you go out drinking you are not a busy person. If you wipe yourself after a poo you are not a busy person. These are all luxury potential time wasters. The time we spend doing things to kill our minds, bodies, or cleaning our asses could be spent doing something so much more valuable.

The biggest problem people have with time is managing it. I’m fabulous at managing time. I have come to the conclusion that having time is the most incredibly valuable thing I can give myself. I could work more but then I’d have less time to enjoy life. There are so many things I want to do in life that I’m almost hoping I do run out of time to do them all. What happens after I do everything I want to do? I rot away until I die? It’s impossible to time things perfectly where your plane crashes right after doing everything you have to do in life. You should want to die with unfinished business. It sends a good message to everyone else how there is no time to waste and that you made good use of what time you had and could have used more.

(Mark Twain died before finishing a lot he had planned on accomplishing. The most important thing he never got a chance to get around to was learning racial tolerance)

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Unless of course you only read the first and last paragraph. If you did that here then you have a lot of extra time now to do something else. I hope you make the best of it you bastard.

Comments
  1. Brother Jon says:

    Yes, very good. And just so you know, I will never thing Perez Hilton has more important things to say than you do….no matter how random some of them might be.

    The other day I was talking to a “friend” about people dropping out of civic organizations (across the board, like Jaycees, Kiwanis, Masons and other clubs) because they are “too busy”. He blamed them being too busy on cable television. I think he might have something there. Everyone gots to watch their shows.

    • Mooselicker says:

      At least someone thinks I’m smarter than Perez Hilton!

      It really bugs me though how people seem to be more supportive of the already successful than they do their friends. They’ll spend 2 hours watching a terrible movie but they wouldn’t have the same 2 hours to I don’t know, maybe offer advice or give the friend a lift somewhere. That last one is a bad example, I hate when people ask for rides.

  2. Pete Howorth says:

    The only unfinished business I have is killing all the people I hate. There will no doubt come a time where a meteor is going to collide with the Earth or a solar flare will burn us all to a crisp and when that time comes is the time I stop being the angry, bottled up individual and become a murderous animal hell bent on making the people that have pissed me off’s final moments a living hell. I’ll not be one of those that hides under the bed waiting for the apocalypse, I’ll be one of the ones causing it.

    But until then, I’m happy wasting time. The only problem with people giving you their time is they expect the same in return, like if a girl gives you her time and you don’t give your time back then she gets angry and ends up wasting your time by arguing. Bitches be crazy.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re completely right about expecting things in return. On that same note a lot of people (girls especially) expect other people to make the first move in everything. How can you expect someone to do you a favor? I say do a few favors for a person and if they don’t return it then you cut them out.

      Why does it feel like we’re talking about oral sex?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Well my last girlfriend never gave me any favours, so she got none in return. It’s simple mathematics if you ask me.

      • Mooselicker says:

        How did she let you know she liked you then?

        I never understood people who wouldn’t do that, girl or guy. It’s like sex and eating combined and you don’t gain weight.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I supposed she just let me do everything else. I’m glad I’m not with her in hindsight as it gives me a chance to find someone who will do me a favour. This one girl did it to me in a car park of a cinema; classy on the outside, whore on the inside. They are the best kind.

  3. Luddy's Lens says:

    “Everything else is replaceable but time happens once.” I think you accidentally got a little deep there. You’re right about all of it, though. I’ve spent way too many hours trying to get volunteers I was managing to follow through on the volunteering commitments they’d made. “Something” always came up (the universal excuse, “Oh! gosh, I’m sorry. Something came up!”). Didn’t matter how much free pizza I promised them, the greater good was always the runner-up.

    Wait a minute: Those two girls are black?!?!

  4. Seb says:

    Really, when you think about it, we don’t have anything at all, except time, And we can’t do anything with it, except give it away. So it’s not so much a question of us hoping we can use the time we have constructively, in as much as it really is us hoping the people we give it to use it constructively. much like our taxes.

  5. Stop the presses! Since when did you have a stand up act in NYC? Am I out of the loop or are you just checking to make sure I’m reading everything?

  6. The Waiting says:

    I don’t know if you intended to be inspirational here, but you kind of were. I used to be so great at managing my time, but nowadays I spend 98% of my free time (which comes around pretty infrequently) on the Internet. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll look back years from now and think that I squandered my time reading blogs and playing on Twitter. I really hope I don’t.

    • Ehhh. I just think it’s a way of socializing with adults while the baby is napping or playing. It’s not like you’re going to look back and wish you’d spent more time watching soap operas or cable television. And I do think you’re right about Twitter being a great exercise in how to say a lot in very few words.

    • Hey, that sounds just like me. Except I don’t understand Twitter.

    • Mooselicker says:

      At least on the Internet you can always say you’re socializing sometimes. I think it’s a lot better to be off reading blogs than sitting in front of a TV playing video games. You’ll probably regret a little but who doesn’t? I’d say something more inspirational but like I’m explaining to everyone else, I even forgot what I wrote about here.

  7. Per usual, I pretty much agree with you. You have time for whatever you make time for. That said, I do not consider wiping my ass a luxury. Good toilet paper, however, is definitely a luxury. And worth every penny.

  8. The colors in this post were unreal.

  9. Kelly says:

    I was going to comment but I don’t have enough time.

  10. It IS the most important gift. I gave my virginity to at least 37 people. But then I started getting those ‘you’ve done this before…oh, yeah, keep doint that…don’t stop… oh my gawd’ looks, and I had to stop lying about it.
    I just spent time here… you owe me… I will never get that back. Now I must steal some of yours. But I want a 2 for 1 ratio, because obviously my time is more valuable than yours… also I have a lot less of it left.

  11. That’s weird. I thought that was a picture of my ex-boyfriend in the corner. Huh.

  12. Addie says:

    I will spend the necessary time needed to finish my notes on your script this weekend, and have them to you by Sunday. Cross my heart.

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