There are few American institutions that make me shiver as much as banks. We all know by now money means power. The purpose of a bank is to store money. That’s also the purpose of my mattress and the main difference between the two is I’ve never tied a girl down to my bank then left for the day to teach her a lesson in not being a dirty slut. I’ve had the same bank account since I was 6 years old and finally I am thinking about opening up a new one. In my quest to open up a new bank account I have rediscovered something, banks aren’t built to keep the burglars out, they’re built to keep your money in.

Around 2007 my dad went with me to TD Bank to open up a new account. He told me they had better benefits. Their computers crashed and they said they had no idea when they’d be operational again. My dad said some swear word and we left. That was the end of opening up a new bank account. Delay me once, I’ll take my business to where it already is, my family’s motto.

(All the flights are cancelled? Fine. I’ll just move into the town I’m staying in)

My dad always told me one thing I should think about doing was putting a lump sum on a bank CD. I forget what CD stands for but I’d guess the C stands for criminal. My dad made it seem like CDs were the best way to make money without risking anything in the stock markets. I looked into opening up a CD. My current bank offered what they claimed to be one of the best interest rates, 1.01%. I did the calculator and if I was going to put $500 into a CD it would mean after a year I would earn, stand back, about $8. When you put money on a CD it means you can’t touch it or however long you have signed up for or whatever. So you have $500 in the bank you cannot use only to make $8 in the end after a yearlong wait. Couldn’t you just get a minimum wage job and quit after a day?

(At 5 o’clock this woman intends on throwing boiling water onto her boss’s face. She will be fired, possibly tried in a court of law, but she will still make more money than anyone ever could on a bank CD)

I calculated higher amounts to see how much one would have to put down on a CD to actually benefit from this. I don’t remember for sure, I could probably do the math, but if you put $5,000 into a CD for 2 years you will earn, raise up your hands in anticipation, about $90. Wow! Not only do you have to earn $5,000 through hard-work/clever crime committing and save it up, you also have to not be able to touch the stuff for 2 years. All of this for $90. Don’t get me wrong, $90 can be a lot of money. You can buy a new video game, go to Chili’s and get the 2 for $20 menu option, buy a movie ticket, and buy a sandwich for the cash you’ve made waiting those long 2 years.

I get the purpose of banks is so you don’t have money sitting around in old coffee can tins. They do serve a purpose but the same can also be said about college, another institution no longer living up to what it claims to be. Colleges seem to be nothing more than a congregation place to put people in debt and a simpler way to spread STDs and overly liberal ideology. Why don’t we just say when we’re 18 “I want to do this.” And for 5 years we actually get a chance to do it. If we suck or don’t like it, we go off to working in a cubicle or tissue box factory.

(Somebody’s gotta make the tissue boxes. Once we all find out we’re not good at what we want to do in life there will be lots of tears)

Banks used to offer so much more. You used to actually be able to gain interest. I don’t know enough about bank history as to why making 11 cents a month is fantastic. I guess I should take it for what it is and be happy I at least live in a country where you have the opportunity to believe in yourself only to one day wake up and realize it’s nearly impossible to succeed unless you’re willing to stomp on a lot of heads, kind of like banks do.

  1. Banks… another topic I can’t start on or I will never finish and my head will explode. Good post. You are doing the jobs that even paler Americans just can’t deal with.

  2. Lily says:

    I don’t know anything about banks. I can barely tell the difference between debit and savings and credit. I am a full lost cause. I hate growing up and having to know bank stuff.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know debit makes me feel like a little kid because anyone can get a debit account and credit means you have to pay later even though you don’t always have to. I also know I can never access my savings account. Why can’t we be young forever?

  3. Cafe says:

    I’m with pouringmyartout & Lily. Such a confusing topic if you start getting too deep into it, but I like your explanation of it and particularly the comparison at the end with college. Excellent idea btw, why can’t we just pick what we want to do and start making some money already! Tuition debt is so brutal 😦

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Janice! I do feel glad that you’re as confused about banks as I am. It seems like there are too many “right way” we’re supposed to do things like go to school, put our money in the bank, get a business job, then die. The worst thing for me about not having tuition debt is it means I didn’t go to a real college.

  4. The Waiting says:

    One of the things I like most about all your posts are the pictures and the captions. The one about the lady pouring boiling water on her boss was awesome.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    Agh banks! We at the age where we talk about this stuff. You know, coming back from the bachelor party I went to, me and my pal were talking about energy prices and how shit they are.


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