There is a ton I would like to do with my life. Dying is one of them but the problem with dying is it has to be the last thing you do. If life was like billiards, death would be the 8-ball. No matter where you are in your life now at some point you’ve aspired to do something awesome. There are so many different jobs I would love to at some point partake in and if I cannot do them all I would at least like to inspire and push others to go after what they want. It’s part of my whole “being a better person” nonsense. I think I’ve been watching Mr. Holland’s Opus a little too much. Was that movie about being a failure that helped out a lot of other people inexplicably? That’s what I took away from it.
(If you’ve seen the movie you’ll know Mr. Holland is wasting his time here…or should I say hear?)
Instead of going on about philosophical bullshit about how we should all try harder to inspire and push others I will inspire and push you by letting you know about all the things I have ever wanted to do with my life. Maybe I will accidentally inspire you to join the army and die in Vietnam, Mr. Holland style.
Cowboy: This might seem like a job I wanted as a kid but I want to be a cowboy more than ever now. You don’t have to wash your hands or face and you’re still sexy! Cowboys can’t get away with the same shit they used to. Instead of hunting down gold now cowboys have to chain up baby cows to make veal. Maybe this is what killed the Western genre, the realization that cowboys are now farmers on horses.
Professional Athlete: More specifically, I wanted to be the first guy to play professional baseball and hockey at the same time. My dreams of playing professional baseball died around when I was 14 and hit .098 that season which is disgraceful. My dreams of playing hockey faded when I had to hold the instructor’s hands around the rink when I learned how to skate.
(Infamous picture of me standing on skates without holding onto the wall)
Wrestler: As recently as 3 years ago I contemplated going to wrestling school. Some of the best ones in the country are in Philadelphia and the trainers are actually guys who are nationally known now. I figured worst case scenario I get in really good shape or break my arm. Girls love guys with those qualities. I didn’t end up doing it because it was too expensive to get yelled at for 2 hours twice a week by men. I also get creeped out by muscular man backs.
Porn Star: Do I have to explain this one?
Movie Maker: In kindergarten we had to write down what we wanted to do. I said I wanted to be a movie maker. I think back then I thought one guy could do all the work. I’ve kind of narrowed it down to screenwriting because it involves the least amount of social interaction. My ultimate dream would be to be a television show runner (which involves little physical running I hope). It’s a passion I’ve had for 20 years now and since I was practically raised by watching TV it’s no surprise.
Radio Show Host: The only thing that stopped me from pursuing this further was I don’t have the voice for radio. I sound like a whiny woman and when I get excited I sound like a whiny woman on her first day of testosterone supplements. I think I’d be pretty good at this but my voice has the soothing powers of stepping on a rusted nail.
Veterinarian: You can always spot a kind child when they want to be veterinarian. You can also spot a logical child when they no longer want to be a veterinarian. Did you know they have to kill animals? Whoa! I’ll stick to dog sitting for people when they’re on vacation. Carrying a dead dog seems way too disturbing to me.
(“You get to kill the dogs? Looks like I got me a career after I break the record for most turnovers in a season.” – an awful dog killing quarterback)
Model: I was taking pictures of myself flexing in the mirror the other day when it hit me, I should model. I’m realistic enough to know I could never be a fully body model. I could probably model a few parts of my body though. My eyebrows are pretty sweet. If I turn my arm a certain way and maybe put some whiteout on it to give myself some color (I’m terribly pale) then I could see that 1/8th inch on my bicep being in a magazine. Who says that models ever need to be perfect or beautiful? I still say I got a shot.
I hope sharing all of my hopes and dreams I have had has inspired you to have your own. If they have, you are very easily inspired and are probably a stupid person.