So _________ has won the United States Presidential Election in 2012. I leave the candidate’s name blank for the simple fact that I’m writing this before the election is over and to make a point. I would like to be able to repost this every 4 years. Like The Simpsons Super Bowl episode where they went out of their way to hide their faces when they mentioned the teams in the Super Bowl and the current president, I want to plan ahead to recycle a gag and then never follow through.

(Bonus points to anyone who knows what I’m talking about with The Simpsons here)

My take on politics is pretty simple. It’s the same with life in general. It’s the same as Italian Mob Boss Nino Schiabetta from the television program Oz lives his life by. “Nothing changes. Nothing ever changes.” It’s true. Nothing really does change. Sure, minorities can vote now (even though technically minority races now outnumber white people in this country and considering a woman a minority was never true because they have pretty much forever outnumbered men) and a few other things have changed I guess. What more really is there to change? Gay people get married and marijuana use becomes legalized. I don’t know. That just seems to me like making life even better for college kids. They’d never want to graduate. We’d be a world of Van Wilders.

(This clearly isn’t Ryan Reynolds’ face nor is it Tara Reid’s face. Does she even have a real face? Didn’t she die getting surgery?)

Now that _______ is president for the ________ time, we expect _______ things from him. I still feel confident enough to leave the word him in there. A woman president? Yeah and maybe next we’ll have women actresses. Am I right Shakespeare?

Obama ran on a campaign of hope and change as he did the first time around. Did things get better? Maybe for some folk. I’m not sure what Romney ran his campaign platform on. Honestly I don’t even know what the guy’s voice sounds like. I don’t have cable, Internet at home, or a futuristic talking newspaper brought to my door so it’s kind of hard for me to know what the guy’s voice sounds like. Does he talk funny? I hope so.

(“My name is Mitt Womney and I’m wunning for Pwesident.” – the way I hope he talks)

But my simple point is, no matter who lives in the oval office, my life will not really change. I’m a single white male whose annual earnings is around the poverty line, or so I’ve been told although it doesn’t feel like it because I understand financial responsibility and caring about having a future rather than owning a $25 movie I’ll only ever watch once. Suck on that jab Generation Whatever I Am. I don’t have children, I don’t own property, and I involve myself in as little community events as possible. I’ve never gotten a girl pregnant and I think naked men are only curious looking, not sexy. Whatever President ________ plans to do will not affect me. Unless we fast forward a few years and I actually do make enough money or have close to an “American Dream” lifestyle then maybe it will. For now school systems, property taxes, women’s rights, and other hot button issues would not change a thing in my life so I’m kind of apathetic to it all.

Hopefully you were rooting for ______ and not that loser ______. Unfortunately I’m also aware enough to know I only need to mention two candidates for future posts because a third party will never rise up without bloodshed. There’s really nothing else I wanted to say about politics other than if you won congratulations, not much will probably change. If you lost don’t worry, not much will probably change. A preteen girl in Pakistan had acid thrown on her face for “eyeing” a boy last week. I don’t normally settle but no matter who the candidate is I will settle living in a place where girls aren’t mangled for acting natural.

(Ya know what…some acid might not be so bad)

  1. You’re wise beyond your years, Mr Moose Man.

  2. joehoover says:

    I thought my parents were assholes for telling me to turn my music down, puts that into perspective (though they still never bought me the dinobot I wanted that Christmas).

    What were they doing carrying the acid around anyway? “Key’s, purse, tissues, bottle of acid, ready, let’s go to the market”

  3. This was actually sort of inspiring. What’s up with that, you generation whatever you are?

  4. rebecca2000 says:

    LOl well I rooted for ____ and ____ that ____ won. As long as ___ ___ ___ doesn’t happen we’re all good.

  5. The Waiting says:

    I can’t wait to read this again in four years!

  6. I like to think that in four years no one will know who the Kardashians are. That is what I hope will change.

    And I’m starting to understand more and more why people become interested in third party candidates, and/or insist on being registered independent.

    • Mooselicker says:

      “4 less years! 4 less years!” – people when talking about how long they want to remember the Kardashians for.

      Didn’t a third party candidate get a good chunk sometime in the last 30 years? I don’t know much about politics. Truth is, I only left these names blank because I forget the names of the guys who ran this year. Oops!

  7. Sometimes normal and no change is just fine with me. I came all the way to Canada to redefine normal and I’m fighting with immigration so I can keep this normal.

    Of course, the Canadian dream is a little different from the American. Ours mostly involves domestic beer and owning a cottage in the middle of nowhere. It may seem mundane and routine but its only when I go to visit my parents in Kuwait that I realize how much I take the mundane for granted.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m definietely fine with things not changing. It seems drastic for a country to make huge motions in 4 years. The older I get the more Republican I become which is natural I hear. I’m not sure if Republican means anything to you but the younger you are the more evil it sounds.

      What’s the Kuwait dream? Move to Canada? If so you’re livin it!

      • When I hear the word Republican I think of war, abortion laws and Donald Trump. But I know what you mean about becoming Republican with age. I think its because with age we stop being so idealistic, get a little grumpier and generally don’t give a shit about anyone else’s problems.

        The Kuwait dream is what my parents did. Go to Kuwait when you’re in your 20’s. Make a shit load of money off their booming oil sector, send your kids off to college in Canada and then retire in India.
        I chose the “Get the fuck out of Kuwait” dream. Get the fuck out of Kuwait, get an education and fight with Immigration Canada to live in a place where the government takes all your money.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Sounds like closer to a nightmare at times. Your parents invested smartly. My parents didn’t as you can see because I end sentences with made-up adverbs like smartly.

  8. Seb says:

    I’m beginning to think that I alone am responsible for Romney losing. You see, I’ve been a registered Republican for 22 years and have never voted for a Republican for President, up until Tuesday. Then, I finally do and the sumbitch loses! I am a jink, I tell ya!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Oh no don’t let it get out how you cost Romney! That’s kind of like how every girl I meet on Craigslist mysteriously disappears. I swear, I have nothing to do with it.

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