Phone Notes

Posted: November 8, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I used to carry around a notepad with me everywhere because I get great ideas all the time and needed to record them. Then I realized I had to wear pants 5 sizes too big to be able to carry the notebook comfortably in my pocket. I write very big. Using a small notepad was out of the question. I decided to get with the times and start recording the thoughts onto my phone. Although many have been deleted to make room for more brilliance, today I present to you notes I have in my phone. Most are things I either dreamed or strange things to say during a conversation. Welcome to my nightmare.

(What’s scarier, Freddy’s face or his fashion sense? I go with the latter)

“He’s telling the truth. A vagina has more holes than his story does.” I said this to someone in a dream and thought it was clever and still might

“Calling Polaroids roids” Wouldn’t it be funny if some jock bought Polaroids from someone thinking it was steroids? Or what about if he bought hemorrhoids instead? I slay myself

“Big Apple = Big Asshole” My opinion on New Yorkers

“Someone’s a prick.” Not sure who this was referring to but it was saved in the same place as the one about New Yorkers

“Even the dumbest kid has done more than Shakespeare” I think I was going to try writing a stand-up bit about how even people with Down Syndrome get to ride in cars while Shakespeare still had to walk everywhere. Hilarious, I know

“Things black people ruin” I never actually made a list. If forced to name three things quickly I’d say the movies, the NHL, and property taxes

“Posture is the key to beauty” I guess this was a reminder to myself to stand up straight. Too bad I would have to look down in order to read it

“Homesick, living alone” This was based around a standup bit I tried writing on how I live alone but still get homesick and how it must mean I just hate being around people. I still think it has potential but I’m terrible at wording, speaking, and being likeable

“Jack the Ripper comedy” Back when I wanted to write a comedy based around the Jack the Ripper killings

“Prom with cancer kids” Not sure what this means, probably some dream I had or someplace I wanted to steal money from

“Boogers in the dark” This was about how picking your nose must not be fun in the dark because you don’t get to see how wonderful they look

“Unfunny people never make themselves the victim” I was going to write a whole blog about this but it came out really bad. Simply put, if you’re never willing to put yourself down you’re not a funny person

“Midget/baby furniture, Dale Earnhardt” The first two go together because a midget probably would use baby furniture. I don’t know where Dale Earnhardt comes into this

“Invisawig” Based on a dream I had recently where I invented something called the Invisawig. It’s an invisible wig that makes the wearer feel like they have hair but they don’t have to be embarrassed about wearing a wig

  1. The vagina one is good, and the roids one is amazing.

    You’re a stoner, but without the stoning.

  2. Lily says:

    “Hilarious, I know” hahah omg this has taught me to never share my list of blog ideas. I have a list on my computer and it’s pretty awful. Lesson learned.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Once you realize you will never blog about them you should share them. Why have the idea if it never sort of trickles out at least? You got that idea for a reason. Me thinks that reason was so we could laugh at you for ever thinking it was good. Believe me, I get a million horrible ideas daily. Nothing like a no-response on a text message from a friend to let you know to scrap it.

  3. Brother Jon says:

    I think if you make the Jake the ripper thing into a Musical it would work. Like a mix of The Book of Mormon and Sweeney Todd.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I would love to be able to write a musical. I think I’m still 25 years away from it since my musical skills completely lack. I like the idea though. I wrote about 10 songs for a musical based on The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly 3 years ago.

  4. I’m with Michael on this one. I think you should club together the vagina one and the roid and write a post on it. I don’t know where you would go with it but I sure as hell would read it.

    I carry around a little note pad to write funny and clever one-liners I hear people use. Then I use them in my blog and take all the credit.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I probably have had near 20 notebooks filled with what I thought were clever ideas or witty things to say. Why do I still have them? One notebook I went through and had to destroy because I would literally go to prison if people read them and took it seriously. What an angry teenage boy I was.

      I actually have one list I keep of different “plot ideas” in case I ever do get a job working for a scripted TV show. I’ve been doing it for over a year and have over 1600. Why am I bragging about having a long list? I suck.

  5. nikkix2 says:

    I love the invisawig,,,,I would so give it to my kids dad,,,and put it on him when he was sleeping and then watch him go around,,,swinging that shit around ( cause I’d so get him the 80’s mullet he rocked out in highschool)!!
    Your a strange but funny dude 🙂

  6. joehoover says:

    Shakespeare one is inspired.

  7. breezyk says:

    You’re spot on about posture. And the invisawig is just… amazing really.
    This is a great post idea… I might steal it from you. I’ll give you credit tho. Just sayin’

  8. merleme says:

    “Boogers in the dark” This was about how picking your nose must not be fun in the dark because you don’t get to see how wonderful they look”

    Yes…but they’re so tasty.
    OK, your booger riff will be true genius.

    btw I’m not new here, just incognito.

  9. merleme says:

    whoa…please don’t post my comment. Used the wrong icon. LOL…so much for “incognito!”

  10. merleme says:

    BWAHAHA!! OK…I fixed that avatar. Feel free to post any of these goofy comments.

  11. Did you do any doodles in your notebook as well – Downs Syndrome and Shakespeare would be interesting

  12. Addie says:

    The Invisiwig has potential. I hear there is an Emperor with a wardrobe fixation that would be the perfect model.

  13. This is a disturbing look into your mind. Not surprising. But disturbing.

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