One thing old people like to do is talk about how much physical pain they are constantly in. Maybe there’s some award given out weekly to whoever hurts the most. They’d make it annual but by the way old people make their bad backs sound it’s hard to know if they’ll even be alive that long. As I grow older I too have constant pains in my body. Today I take a page from the book everyone I know over 30 owns. Today I complain about my everyday pains.

(Dedicated to you three and the worst career choice you ever made)

My most common constant pain is in my left hip. It’s not so much painful as it is discomfort. I’m pretty sure it’s just tight or maybe loose. I guess if I knew the problem I could solve it. I can constantly rotate the hip and get it to pop somewhere near my ass cheek and hamstring. I have also noticed I cannot bend this hip as much as my right one. That’s how you know you have too much free time, when you know the range of motion you have on one side of your body as opposed to the other. How am I trying to solve this hip pain? Make it pop as often as I can and hope for some reason that works.

Probably related to my stiff hip is something in the back of my left knee. I’m thinking I either hyperextended or need to hyperextend my knee to make it better. Knee pain has always scared me because not only is that a sensitive and important joint, it’s also a weird-looking one. I mean really, is there anything else that looks like a knee? Knees remind me of unformed fetuses. My knees are also knobby which means I don’t wear shorts in public to avoid public ridicule. How am I trying to solve this pain? I’m posting about it on a blog wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do.

(Apparently these are knobby knees belonging to someone named Brian, so maybe my knees aren’t knobby, just odd)

My right shoulder doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to but it does hurt. A few weeks ago it became so painful to the point I started looking up rotator cuff exercises to do. Most involve embarrassingly lying on your side and moving your arm in a motion nobody should ever move an arm. I took a week off from exercising while I was on vacation and whatever was hurting seemed to heal itself up. I’m like wolverine in that way. Like my left hip, my right shoulder is not nearly as flexible as my left shoulder. I tell myself this has something to do with pitching 3 shutout innings in little league when it really probably just has something to do with having poor posture. How am I trying to solve this pain? I stretch my shoulders a lot and whenever possible I stand up. Once I even iced it down with frozen broccoli.

I believe the worst pain a person can ever have is head pain. My head constantly hurts. Well, not really. Sometimes I’ll become incredibly frustrated and say aloud “Why does my head hurt so bad?” when really it doesn’t. I guess this would qualify more as emotional pain than anything. I have had phases in life where I have gotten frequent headaches though. The vein above my right temple will pop out and you can literally see it throb. Why am I such a veiny person? The nurse who used to give me my allergy shots said she liked my arms because they were thick (chubby) and should could always find a vein. I can only think of three other people who said they liked me arms and 1/3 of them were straight male friends, or so they claim. How am I trying to solve this pain? I take frequent hot showers. Too bad that sometimes ends up burning my eyelids. Why am I so gross?

(This is how I look after a long hot shower. I wouldn’t wear that color though. Too light and would clash with my eyes)

What constant pains do you always have? Please, nothing in the bathing suit area. I’m not in the mood to pretend not to be grossed out by you.

Comments
  1. wartica says:

    I used to get these neck tweaks –due to an old martial arts injury –but when I got more involved with meditations, the pain went away for good :))

  2. julesagray says:

    There goes my erection.

  3. Now that you mention it, I do have a constant, nagging pain in my ass… oh…wait…that is just you… Ha!

  4. And do not forget to check the ‘other’ blog now and then. It will not pop up on your reader. Thanks.

  5. You don’t want a list of my pains, trust me. I’ll just say my lower back is excruciatingly painful. Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m lying on top of a heating pad. I’m supposed to be on ice but sometimes I just can’t go there. Heat feels so much better. I also have neuralgia – a nerve disorder. Just those two alone make me feel suicidal, throw in some tooth issues, a migraine or two and it’s more than anyone should have to handle.
    I follow one person’s blog, Craftcrazygran, and she makes my pains seem like a walk in the park. That’s why I follow her, she makes me feel grateful for my stuff.

    Hey, I get told I have good veins, too. I’ll take any compliment I can get at this age.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you only have good veins because all the stress from everything else you listed keeps them pumping hard. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I’m afraid to move now.

  6. The Waiting says:

    I have had some back pains in the past. When they are bad, they are REALLY bad. When I lived in Korea, I used to get acupuncture treatments for them. I guess they worked in that they were so weird that they deflected my attention away from my back for an hour or so.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Acupuncture always seemed like something I wanted to try but I think I need to believe in ghosts first. It’s the next logical step to illogical. At least that back pain prepared you for carry a child around?

  7. Addie says:

    Oy, the pain I’m in! My neck, my hips, my left shoulder, my left side, I grind my teeth and I drool at night.

    I don’t have good veins, though. Mine are a phlebotomist nightmare.

  8. Is that Ray thingymajig in the middle of the photo? he pollutes our TV with some shite comedy about him and his family for an hour each morning. That is painful.

  9. breezyk says:

    Do you run? Your hip and knee pains sound like they could be running related. I also have sore hips from running.. And the same head pain caused from emotion you mentioned above. Oh an my eyes kill me from staring at a computer screen all day. I’m probably going to go blind soon

    • Mooselicker says:

      I ran twice in the last 4 years. It was pretty bad so maybe I’m still recovering? I’m pretty sure the leg and knee pain is from working out though. Such a price for perfection.

      I’m also going blind from staring at a computer screen. I’ve needed glasses for years. In 50 years everyone will be born blind and hunchbacked.

  10. Knees are poorly designed and thus easily injured. So knee injuries are the universal story.

  11. Old people also like to discuss digestion – you need to up your game with poop-talk.

  12. Oh my aching knee! I can no longer crawl around on the floor or have dance parties with my little children. Darn.

  13. Lily says:

    If I ever have a pain, I make sure everyone knows about it. I remember my back hurting a lot in college. I think I had bad beds though. One time my knee started hurting, but it fixed itself. Mostly my toe just hurts a lot because it has a weird neuroma thing in it. I wrote about it a while go on in a post of things that make me sound old.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Even while trying to be nice and commenting you have to plug your old blog posts toward the end while insulting me for stealing your ideas you had months ago. Ugh!

      My back used to hurt a lot too but for some reason it rarely if ever does anymore. Have I gotten strong? Has my numb soul reflected itself into numbing my body too?

      • Lily says:

        Hahah I’m glad you noticed that. Don’t even try having a creative thought because I’ve most likely already had the same thought and actually beat you to it.

  14. robpixaday says:

    Awwwww……………………. (((gentlehugs)))
    Pain [generally speaking] sux.

    Because you seem like a nice guy and you frequently make me laugh I’m going to do you a HUGE favor and not answer your question. You’ll find out yourself, soon enough. Bodies are always deteriorating faster than they’re regenerating. If they didn’t do that no one would ever croak and we’d be wall-to-wall people.

  15. robpixaday says:

    “…is your body so painful it’s better not to tell me all about it?”
    LOL!

    Yes.
    😐

    Getting older has some lovely benefits, though. Truly. And my situation isn’t age-related, anyway, mostly. The worst of it happened when I was ::gasp:: 46. Well, OK, that’s old to a lot pof people. But not old-old.

    “Is everything really going to hurt forever now?”
    No. I can honestly say that it won’t last forever. And you may escape a lot of it!! I hope so.

  16. Pete Howorth says:

    My right hand is a constant pain. Not because I masturbate frequently, don’t get me wrong, I do but I’m left handed. But I’ve broken my right hand that many times, usually due to those punching bag machines you get in pubs; I either have no feeling on half the side of the hand or the whole thing aches. Especially in winter. 😦

  17. Pete Howorth says:

    Also, why does Ray Romano look Indian?

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