One thing old people like to do is talk about how much physical pain they are constantly in. Maybe there’s some award given out weekly to whoever hurts the most. They’d make it annual but by the way old people make their bad backs sound it’s hard to know if they’ll even be alive that long. As I grow older I too have constant pains in my body. Today I take a page from the book everyone I know over 30 owns. Today I complain about my everyday pains.
(Dedicated to you three and the worst career choice you ever made)
My most common constant pain is in my left hip. It’s not so much painful as it is discomfort. I’m pretty sure it’s just tight or maybe loose. I guess if I knew the problem I could solve it. I can constantly rotate the hip and get it to pop somewhere near my ass cheek and hamstring. I have also noticed I cannot bend this hip as much as my right one. That’s how you know you have too much free time, when you know the range of motion you have on one side of your body as opposed to the other. How am I trying to solve this hip pain? Make it pop as often as I can and hope for some reason that works.
Probably related to my stiff hip is something in the back of my left knee. I’m thinking I either hyperextended or need to hyperextend my knee to make it better. Knee pain has always scared me because not only is that a sensitive and important joint, it’s also a weird-looking one. I mean really, is there anything else that looks like a knee? Knees remind me of unformed fetuses. My knees are also knobby which means I don’t wear shorts in public to avoid public ridicule. How am I trying to solve this pain? I’m posting about it on a blog wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I should do.
(Apparently these are knobby knees belonging to someone named Brian, so maybe my knees aren’t knobby, just odd)
My right shoulder doesn’t hurt nearly as much as it used to but it does hurt. A few weeks ago it became so painful to the point I started looking up rotator cuff exercises to do. Most involve embarrassingly lying on your side and moving your arm in a motion nobody should ever move an arm. I took a week off from exercising while I was on vacation and whatever was hurting seemed to heal itself up. I’m like wolverine in that way. Like my left hip, my right shoulder is not nearly as flexible as my left shoulder. I tell myself this has something to do with pitching 3 shutout innings in little league when it really probably just has something to do with having poor posture. How am I trying to solve this pain? I stretch my shoulders a lot and whenever possible I stand up. Once I even iced it down with frozen broccoli.
I believe the worst pain a person can ever have is head pain. My head constantly hurts. Well, not really. Sometimes I’ll become incredibly frustrated and say aloud “Why does my head hurt so bad?” when really it doesn’t. I guess this would qualify more as emotional pain than anything. I have had phases in life where I have gotten frequent headaches though. The vein above my right temple will pop out and you can literally see it throb. Why am I such a veiny person? The nurse who used to give me my allergy shots said she liked my arms because they were thick (chubby) and should could always find a vein. I can only think of three other people who said they liked me arms and 1/3 of them were straight male friends, or so they claim. How am I trying to solve this pain? I take frequent hot showers. Too bad that sometimes ends up burning my eyelids. Why am I so gross?
(This is how I look after a long hot shower. I wouldn’t wear that color though. Too light and would clash with my eyes)
What constant pains do you always have? Please, nothing in the bathing suit area. I’m not in the mood to pretend not to be grossed out by you.