Repellants & Repellents

Posted: November 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had to come to terms with a lot of things lately. The one that should have been most obvious is that I am social repellant. Or is it repellents? I’m being told both spellings are correct and I am terribly confused which to use. You might be sitting in your chair or reading this on your phone kicking your kids in the face thinking I’m insane for calling myself social repellant. How can someone so endearing be cancerous to society? I’m just as confused as you are. I’ve got a lot going for me. I’m smart, I remember all the funniest lines from Family Guy and I’m always sure to repeat them over and over again, I eat vegetables, I tell women they look fat when they do, and I never give dogs chocolate. I have “fun person” written all over me! So why is it that I still seem to be a tiki torch to all the mosquitos in the world?

(One time I met Jeff Probst. He clubbed me in the head)

The first time I ever remember being repellant was the second I was born. My parents always wanted a girl because the thrill of throwing a child off a cliff out of disappointment was something lots of parents in the 1980s wanted to experience. Since I had a penis I had to be given medicine to survive. My younger years I didn’t so much feel like I was repellant as much as I felt like kids were dickholes. The only two significant moments I remember from being young and feeling left out were as follows: the first happened during recess and I was the second to last pick and I celebrated not being picked last. My teammates still seemed a little upset and made sure to not throw me the ball. The other happened in 5th grade when I heard the girl I had a crush on say “I want everyone to sign my yearbook except for Tim and Dan.” Dan was the biggest loser anyone knew. He was so lame even when girls insulted him I got to go ahead of him.

As I got older rejection was more common. When we’re young kids we’re forced into accepting everyone. As we get older people have more flaws and they’re easier to pick on. Girls were and still are something I often feel like a bottle of black flag around. There was no particular instance when I felt like the entire female race was out to ignore me but it was a definite feeling. I knew it was getting out of hand when a black girl stood outside my classroom saying “You bitch! I fucking hate you. You suck” and I thought she was talking about me and not the bitch that sucked and everyone fucking hated that sat behind me.

The one moment I always go back to in my head where I felt most like garlic to a vampire or a carbohydrate to a True Blood vampire was one time when I went out in an attempt to be social. It was at a karaoke night at Hoolihan’s restaurant chain. The waitress was very flirty to everyone because she knew them all. I thought “Hey, I’m a new face. She might want to know what I’m all about.” Nope. She didn’t even acknowledge my existence. Someone making $3 an hour plus tips ignored me. I was crushed. I was so crushed I wrote a poem/song about it.

(True Blood vampires shirtless for no real reason at all other than to remind us we’re watching gay porn without penetration)

I was going to post the poem but after reading it it’s a really bad debut poem except for the “chorus.” Since I did want to post some old poetry I wrote at some point I will post something I actually don’t think is half bad. Don’t worry, all my poems/songs I still have saved (all 44 of them) are about rejection, darkness, Satan, and suicide. Oh, happy day. Why did I choose this poem? It has a very good AABBCC flow to it. The other one didn’t rhyme throughout ergo was not as good.

 Better In The Dark (written in 2009)

 I’m the glass spilt over the edge of the table

You’re the electricity running through your copper cable

We’re the fear that causes you to sweat

They’re the face of evil you have not met

When I come around, do I need to bark?

I’m a man who looks better, in the dark.

You’re the object in all of my dreams

We’re the stitches that keep me together at the seams

They’re the hate I desire to want

I’m the wish if I had I would flaunt

When you come around, do you think I will hark?

I’m a man who looks better, in the dark.

We’re the birds that sing in the morning

They’re the heat that gives pain without warning

I’m the love in which we want to share

You’re the tears in the eyes of those without care

When we come around, do we hit the mark?

I’m a man who looks better, in the dark.

They’re the observers of what they cannot believe

I’m the madness that a paranoid mind will weave

You’re the innocence that would never do what we can

We’re the tumble of a broken man

When they come around, do they feel the spark?

I’m a man who looks better, in the dark.

  1. rebecca2000 says:

    Pfft… shirtless so the silver can hurt them. Personally I would put it around their junk. As for the rest, I have adored you from the start, never do you repel me.

  2. Now I am feeling sorry for you again, you poor,sad, wretched little creature. And to think I almost made the mistake of meeting you inperson… It would have been social suicide, and you could have written a poem about me. Ha… just messing with you. I will meet you some day. I have no fear… or shame… so it will be fine… but just in case you are repellent, when we go swimming in the ocean… in a shirtless, gay prno with no penetration way… I want you to stay between me and the sharks.
    Now go visit the bad post. I am feeling very lonely there, and you will learn my patented fighting move that could save your life.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think you and me meeting would cause everyone to stand back out of our way. The trouble we could cause in a shirtless gay porno no penatration way…

      Remind me on Saturday to go through the bad boy blog. As soon as you wake up. I totally forgot to do it this last week and as soon as I was driving home I realized and was kicking myself because I knew there was something I had forgotten to do. I promise if you remind me Saturday I’ll start from the beginning. Right now I’m going to go start from the newest and read a few.

  3. I see I’m not the only person who spent many hours learning and practicing formats, although mine were mostly in music humanities… By the way, with the weird expressions on their faces, I for one suspect they do have something secretly shoved up their…

    And per usual, my comment went too far.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s True Blood, have you ever seen it? Of course there’s something up their you-know-whats.

      I’m pattern obsessive. I’m sure I have some condition. It’s the reason why I was really good at math when I was younger and then they threw in letters and I sucked.

  4. The story I just did on the ‘you know what’ is the best fight story of all times…

  5. People who never experience rejection offer nothing to society. They all eventually become managers at the Gap and servers at Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m glad to have been passed over for the skinnier and prettier girls in childhood, and if being “repellent” made you who you are now, I’m glad you got passed over too. We are better than all them. Muahaha!

    • Mooselicker says:

      What a positive way to look at things. And here I was thinking I was a menace to society unworthy of affection. All these years I suffered and for what?

      It would be really funny if I worked at Gap and Buffalo Wild Wings. You would have turned your Morgan Freeman speech into a Morgan Freeman kick to the groin.

  6. robpixaday says:

    Marigolds supposedly repel deer. And they’re beautiful! Deer just don’t appreciate them.
    And magnets –MAGNETS!!!!!!!!! — are always repelling something, at one end or the other – on spite of looking exactly like the opposite end of the magnet, that attracts things. There’s no explaining any of it.

    This post was FUNNY. The poem was funny and poignant. You haven’t repelled me yet and I’m f*cking persnickety about nearly everything.

    So maybe you’re just the other end of the magnet.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What about those deer alarms my parents used to always buy and put on their cars? It would send out a frequency only deer could hear. My parents were probably rubes, but hey, they never hit a deer.

      I’m glad I haven’t repelled you yet 🙂

  7. robpixaday says:

    “in” spite, not “on” spite.
    Of course.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    I watched True Blood once, that’s when I sucked over 50,000 cocks. It’s better than being a social God, people won’t leave me alone, “there’s a big guy, I bet he’s jolly.” Fuck off.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t mind True Blood. I’ve seen every episode after the fact. The last few seasons were just emotionally gay (whatever that means). I could handle the gay in Oz but True Blood they’re hiding it too much. At least Oz was love.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I tried to force myself to watch it because everyone raves on about it and I’m a fan of vampires but I couldn’t get past the first season; dunno if I’m missing something. I watch Vampire Diaries, that shits gay.

      • Mooselicker says:

        The first season of True Blood was the best too so you’re good to check out.

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