I’ve met a lot of dumb women in my life. It seems like every day I tell myself someone has topped the dumbest people I have previously known. There’s nothing wrong with being so unbelievably stupid. I mean someone has to get trapped down a well so the news isn’t all about murders and waterskiing squirrels. Today I would like to tell you about the stupidest girl I have ever talked to.
We’ll call this girl Katie because Katie is an average dumb girl’s name and her real name was Katie. She was a few years younger than me, 4 to be exact. I was entering my senior year while Katie was an incoming freshman. Before you go thinking this is some creepy relationship we had I will let you know she was a friend of mine’s younger sister and all pictures I sent her of my genitals were from such a distance you couldn’t really see much anyway.
(Can we ever be certain this isn’t a picture of a naked pregnant woman or man with a pot belly?)
Katie was nervous about starting high school as most unbelievably stupid girls will be. Stupid girls may seem confident at times. I have come to learn they’re just too dumb to know how to express fear. I was already a high school veteran and seemed like a smart enough man so Katie turned to me for knowledge about the school. Seeing a chance to mess with someone’s head, I decided I could take things. The following are from what I can remember I convinced Katie were true things that went on in our high school. Note, she believed them all and asked her mom if she could go to a different school.
1) First I told Katie that the guidance counselors are no help because all they do is smoke pot and shoot squirrels in the parking lot all day long. Strange, but believable enough.
2) I went on to tell Katie the most frightening thing about high school is one day each semester in gym they make you do 100 naked pushups. I gave no reason why they made us do this other than it was a very sinister thing to make children do.
3) As far as cafeteria food went most of the meat was made from pure horse. That’s right, my high school served horseburgers. Where would they get the horse meat from? The school had a stable next to the dumpsters.
(Imagine this served with tater tots. Good huh?)
4) When Katie said how awful it was that our school was slaughtering horses to feed the children she said she was going to protest it. I warned her the year previous a classmate of mine had tried doing the same thing and was shot in the head by one of the snipers hiding on the roof.
5) I asked Katie what teachers she had since her class schedule had arrived in the mail. I warned her about how her math teacher was a nudist. I had him my freshman year and while checking homework his balls hit my elbow.
6) Possibly the best thing I convinced Katie was that there was a centaur who taught at the school. Yes, a girl believed a mythological beast had a teaching degree. She didn’t quite believe centaurs were real so I explained he had surgery to make his lower-half horse. What was with me and lies about horses? Either way, Katie believed one day she might have a centaur as a teacher.
(Mr. Douglas was a pretty good teacher despite his differences. Who could ever believe a Centaur would have such a strong upper body though? How could he do pushups?
I want to say there were more things I made her believe to be true but these are the only ones I remember and they were the best anyway. On a separate occasion I told her I drove passed her house and saw a 10 foot tall clown holding a knife standing outside her bedroom window. She should have known it was a lie because how would I possibly know which window was the one belonging to her bedroom? When I first began talking to Katie she said two things to me. The first was she would never have sex and the second was Anne Hathaway would never get naked in a movie. Two years went by and Katie emulated Paris Hilton and wanted to be a porn star. A few more years passed and I saw Anne Hathaway nude in Love & Other Drugs.
Why are people as stupid as Katie real?