It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is I find sexiest about a woman. It can vary from person to person. Physically I would say legs are my favorite. Oddly legs are also my favorite part of the chicken, mostly because drumsticks are fun to eat. I used to have this problem where whenever I would think about a woman with sexy legs I would sneeze. This problem was half my lifetime ago so feel free to send me pictures of your legs. I think I like legs on a woman because it’s not overly sexual but it can be if she uses them properly. There’s also the mystery about what’s at the top of the legs. Trust me, it’s not always what you expect. I could go on forever about the amazing things women can do to turn me on which would probably turn into some vampire erotica so I won’t. The topic today instead will cover things women should avoid doing in order to win my heart, my body, and my wallet. From what I have learned so far in life women care about those things in reverse order.
1) Smoking – Any kind of smoking a woman does is a huge turn-off for me and for many reasons. The first is smoking costs a lot of money. Cigarettes, pot, and crack are expensive. Not to mention you need to buy a lighter and a few other accessories. Women ask for money a lot too and if I say something like “Maybe you should quit smoking” I end up having to sleep on the couch in my apartment while she lies in my bed. I have never seen a woman with a cigarette in her mouth and thought about kissing her. Don’t they make your teeth yellow too? I hate the excuse that smoking helps you relax too. If you need to give yourself cancer in order to relax you already are a drama queen.
(At least put on some pants before you decide to die younger than intended)
2) Never Smile – Girls should smile non-stop. If I was president I would have women slaughtered if they weren’t smiling. I hate when a girl, no matter how much she hates me, no matter how much I creep her out, refuses to smile at me. Be nice, say hello, and act as if I’m retarded if you must but flash me a gorgeous smile or else I’ll assume you’re a cold bitch.
(Smile you’ve got a cool hat on. And by cool I mean ugly)
3) Doesn’t Take Care of Herself – No, I’m not saying girls who don’t masturbate turn me off although I will tell them they’re missing out on some fun alone time activities. I mean more about girls who don’t at least try to look presentable. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact I don’t want a girl to be perfect. I want a girl who’s a little too thick in some places but you can tell she works hard at being the best she can. Ideally men want girls with some meat on them so stop blaming us and the media for saying “thin is in” because most guys like big breasts, a thick ass, and thunder thighs. Make sure though that your thighs don’t extend below the knee or under your arms.
4) Bad Grammar – Whether it’s speaking or writing, if a girl spells more than the average word wrong I cannot deal with her. Girls have to understand there’s this thing called spell check and it should be used when unsure. I also want to go asexual every time I see a “GuRl TyPe LyKe ThIs.” Although it’s a consistent pattern, it’s not cute. It reminds me of Captcha and I have never gotten a Captcha correct on the first try.
(I understand why parents send their children to private school now)
5) Drinking – I don’t mind if a girl drinks. What I do mind is a girl always drinking around me. Am I that boring where you need to invite your ex-boyfriend Jack Daniels over? I think I could only ever tolerate being around a drunk girl on Friday or a Saturday night, possibly one weeknight too but on rare occasions. Drunk girls not lying on their backs naked in a bed are the most annoying things on the planet. This comes from a guy who currently has a cricket stuck in his ear.
(If you’re a female and this picture makes you drool with excitement then I’m afraid I’ll be eating cheesecake alone tonight)
6) Troublemaker – There are certain ways to spot a girl who is a troublemaker. Troublemaking girls have these qualities: tattoos, piercings, enjoy the Fast & Furious films, can convince you their addictions are not addictions, colorful hair, many male friends, know where to buy fireworks, have pushed me out-of-the-way to buy cigarettes. They don’t need all these qualities of course to be a troublemaker. I warn you however, when several are present she’s probably a bad seed.
(So tell me, which relative are you trying to get back at?)
7) Overly Dependent / Not Dependent Enough – I’m a guy so I like when a girl dependents on me for survival. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had to kill animals with my bare hands to feed a hungry girl. Still, I don’t like that dependence to get to an insane level. The happy medium should be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but at times needs help. All things in moderation. Didn’t Julius Caesar say that? I think he tried saying it again while he was getting stabbed. A moderate amount of knife wounds and he may have survived.
(Perfection! Probably doesn’t smoke, an adorable smile, thin, has a good job so she knows good grammar most likely, hasn’t had a drink since she drove through that house, no visible scary tattoos, and will need me to do a few things but since she is an independent career woman I won’t have to do everything for her because of a little thing called pride)
What are your turn-offs when it comes to members of the gender you’re attracted to? Don’t say “Not being you Mr. Tim” because I already know how I make you all melt.