Posted: December 6, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is I find sexiest about a woman. It can vary from person to person. Physically I would say legs are my favorite. Oddly legs are also my favorite part of the chicken, mostly because drumsticks are fun to eat. I used to have this problem where whenever I would think about a woman with sexy legs I would sneeze. This problem was half my lifetime ago so feel free to send me pictures of your legs. I think I like legs on a woman because it’s not overly sexual but it can be if she uses them properly. There’s also the mystery about what’s at the top of the legs. Trust me, it’s not always what you expect. I could go on forever about the amazing things women can do to turn me on which would probably turn into some vampire erotica so I won’t. The topic today instead will cover things women should avoid doing in order to win my heart, my body, and my wallet. From what I have learned so far in life women care about those things in reverse order.

1) Smoking – Any kind of smoking a woman does is a huge turn-off for me and for many reasons. The first is smoking costs a lot of money. Cigarettes, pot, and crack are expensive. Not to mention you need to buy a lighter and a few other accessories. Women ask for money a lot too and if I say something like “Maybe you should quit smoking” I end up having to sleep on the couch in my apartment while she lies in my bed. I have never seen a woman with a cigarette in her mouth and thought about kissing her. Don’t they make your teeth yellow too? I hate the excuse that smoking helps you relax too. If you need to give yourself cancer in order to relax you already are a drama queen.


(At least put on some pants before you decide to die younger than intended)

2) Never Smile – Girls should smile non-stop. If I was president I would have women slaughtered if they weren’t smiling. I hate when a girl, no matter how much she hates me, no matter how much I creep her out, refuses to smile at me. Be nice, say hello, and act as if I’m retarded if you must but flash me a gorgeous smile or else I’ll assume you’re a cold bitch.

stern face

(Smile you’ve got a cool hat on. And by cool I mean ugly)

3) Doesn’t Take Care of Herself – No, I’m not saying girls who don’t masturbate turn me off although I will tell them they’re missing out on some fun alone time activities. I mean more about girls who don’t at least try to look presentable. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact I don’t want a girl to be perfect. I want a girl who’s a little too thick in some places but you can tell she works hard at being the best she can. Ideally men want girls with some meat on them so stop blaming us and the media for saying “thin is in” because most guys like big breasts, a thick ass, and thunder thighs. Make sure though that your thighs don’t extend below the knee or under your arms.


(Use it)

4) Bad Grammar – Whether it’s speaking or writing, if a girl spells more than the average word wrong I cannot deal with her. Girls have to understand there’s this thing called spell check and it should be used when unsure. I also want to go asexual every time I see a “GuRl TyPe LyKe ThIs.” Although it’s a consistent pattern, it’s not cute. It reminds me of Captcha and I have never gotten a Captcha correct on the first try.


(I understand why parents send their children to private school now)

5) Drinking – I don’t mind if a girl drinks. What I do mind is a girl always drinking around me. Am I that boring where you need to invite your ex-boyfriend Jack Daniels over? I think I could only ever tolerate being around a drunk girl on Friday or a Saturday night, possibly one weeknight too but on rare occasions. Drunk girls not lying on their backs naked in a bed are the most annoying things on the planet. This comes from a guy who currently has a cricket stuck in his ear.


(If you’re a female and this picture makes you drool with excitement then I’m afraid I’ll be eating cheesecake alone tonight)

6) Troublemaker – There are certain ways to spot a girl who is a troublemaker. Troublemaking girls have these qualities: tattoos, piercings, enjoy the Fast & Furious films, can convince you their addictions are not addictions, colorful hair, many male friends, know where to buy fireworks, have pushed me out-of-the-way to buy cigarettes. They don’t need all these qualities of course to be a troublemaker. I warn you however, when several are present she’s probably a bad seed.


(So tell me, which relative are you trying to get back at?)

7) Overly Dependent / Not Dependent Enough – I’m a guy so I like when a girl dependents on me for survival. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had to kill animals with my bare hands to feed a hungry girl. Still, I don’t like that dependence to get to an insane level. The happy medium should be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but at times needs help. All things in moderation. Didn’t Julius Caesar say that? I think he tried saying it again while he was getting stabbed. A moderate amount of knife wounds and he may have survived.


(Perfection! Probably doesn’t smoke, an adorable smile, thin, has a good job so she knows good grammar most likely, hasn’t had a drink since she drove through that house, no visible scary tattoos, and will need me to do a few things but since she is an independent career woman I won’t have to do everything for her because of a little thing called pride)

What are your turn-offs when it comes to members of the gender you’re attracted to? Don’t say “Not being you Mr. Tim” because I already know how I make you all melt.

  1. Addie says:

    What a great post to wake up to this morning!! I smile quite a bit, have long legs, am independent, and just the right bit dependent, don’t really drink, don’t smoke, am a good speler and take care of myself. Except for the fact I’m old enough to be your mom, I’m hitting all those boxes.

    Ew, right?

  2. FatSquirrel says:

    Being in a wheelchair is perfections? That’s creepy.
    Personally, I think a woman who smokes is a turn-on, but drinking not so much.
    Hats? Never thought of it, but it could add some spice to the bedroom.
    Grammar, yes definitely good grammar; a smart woman is a turn-on.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Smoking can be hot in theory or if I had black and white slow motion vision. I don’t though. I see colors and fast motion.

      We’re not too far off on what our ideal woman would be. We can definetely share.

  3. Another useful blog post. You do the world a great service by sharing your wisdom.

    FYI … “Smoking” should be number one on any list of Turn-Offs.

  4. Lily says:

    Did you model this list after me?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Yes. Well, it’s more like the female version of myself which you are close enough to. It’s scary knowing now that my turn-ons would be qualities I have. This means I’d be content dying alone.

  5. Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga and commented:
    check out this post from Mooselicker Suckas

  6. You have turn offs? Next you will be telling us you have standards.

  7. Brother Jon says:

    I totally understand the smoking thing. Funny thing though, when I was a smoker I sought out other smokers. I figured if the ladies didn’t care about having their breath smell like a fireplace, they wouldn’t mind mine.

    Let’s see; Turn-Offs. I think you hit the nail on each and every head. There is one thing. Someone that doesn’t know how to listen. I know us, as men, need to really be aware of this ourselves, but are you serious? Did you really forget that the meeting was this Tuesday? It’s been on this Tuesday every month for the last 80 years!

    Good job!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I assume most women are bad listeners anyway. It’s not their fault. They’re so gorgeous I’d be obsessed with muyself too if I was a woman.

      I do the same thing based on my faults as you did with smoking. I always have to find some girl that’s at least a little bit too broken. I want to be able to share everything with her and if my only slightly shocking stories scare them too much then they’re no good. Of course there’s also a limit. I don’t want a girl that’s been completely split in two by scoiety.

  8. rebecca2000 says:

    Awww all those poor women. Are you single?

  9. nikkix2 says:

    Geez,,,sounds just like me,,,I’m a pretty awesome catch 😉
    So why am I still single ggrrr

  10. asklotta says:

    What is really missing from your post…what is it you like? Basically you stated the obvious and I mean that with all the love in my heart. Unless of course today’s posting was due to last night’s stupid, tattoo, alcoholic, smokes like a chimney date not understanding why you were completely not in to her. But then again if that was true, even I would have to accept my worse turn-off and state the obvious!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m a simple man. I’m afraid a list of my turn-ons would be even more obvious. Being worshipped would be near the top of the list. I’m into any girl who is really creative but also is real down on herself about it. I could never be with a happy woman. Luckily I make most of them pretty miserable so I’ll never have to worry.

  11. Well, interesting post :). I understand most of your turn-offs (all of them, actually), but I must admit I fail at some.
    Or at least one. I’m not the one who’s laughing all the time. Further on I do not sin that much ;).

    For me, it really depends on the person, but he should be at least kind of enough to understand where’s the limits. And saying cheesy things make me laugh… A friend of mine got texts saying she was the girl of his dreams. I think that would totally scare me away…

    • Mooselicker says:

      A girl doesn’t have to laugh all the time. Did I say that? I hope not. I like a girl who at least can make eye contact and smile. I feel so uncomfortable around girls who don’t smile. At least when we lock eyes she should smile. Enough about the smile!

      I think I’d be scared away by that statement too. The scariest thing a girl ever said to me was “Now that I have you I will never let you go.” Believe me, I ran.

  12. Blow Up Doll it is then

  13. Pete Howorth says:

    My ex couldn’t spell worth a shit. And she was stupid, she didn’t know what date of the year Christmas was on. Stupidity is a massive turn off for me, there’s simply no need for it. I agree with you about us liking meaty women, I certainly do. Something to hold on to during the night and something you can rest a pint on while she’s bent over. Kaboosh.

    Spitting is also a turn off, you’re not a man so you’re not allowed to spit. Unless it involves bedroom activities.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wait your ex was that stupid and you thought she was “the one” ?

      I would never let a girl spit under any circumstance. Accept every part of me or get out.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I only thought she was the one because of the length of time we’d been together. And in a way, me being smarter helped me feel superior. Hah.

  14. Cafe says:

    I love this post!! 🙂
    My turn-offs? Guys who think they are way too cool. Guys who don’t know how to not follow the crowd. Guys who talk down to people (probably cuz they think they’re way too cool). Hm.. I think it’s easier for me to think about my turn-ons than turn-offs actually. We’ll save those for your future “Turn Ons” post =P
    And so are tattoos and piercings a turn-off, period? Or just troublemakers? And visible, scary tattoos?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Tattoos and piercings are a turn-on, but they’re also a warning sign. Too many usually means the girl is trouble. How about you leave your troublesome past a little more mysterious, okay?

      It’s funny how you say guys who think they’re way too cool is a big turn-off when guys who don’t think they’re cool at all is probably also one. Life really is about middle ground. But I would also agree a girl thinking she’s way too cool is a bigger turn off than a girl who has no idea how cool she is. Not no clue in a ditzy way either. I hate ditzes. I need to at that to my least.

      • Cafe says:

        You’re right. Well, if it’s to the point where the guy is just totally not confident in himself, then yeah, that is a turn-off. But if he’s just down-to-earth and doesn’t have a big head, that’s way better than having way too much ego 🙂

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