I recently went on my old computer for the first time in over a year. The only reason I had been going on it was because I had a game I enjoyed playing downloaded there. It’s a fine enough computer. The biggest problem is I would have to keep the keyboard in my lap and the mouse would go on top of the computer tower since I have no computer desk. As you can see, I was headed toward scoliosis, carpal tunnel, and getting yelled at by keyboarding instructors all over for my improper setup. I found something strange on this old computer. I found my first attempt at trying to raise money for a movie I wanted to make.

The strangest thing about this movie is I don’t remember anything about it. I’ve had a lot of shitty ideas over the years and many stick with me. This idea though was different. This idea means nothing to. Below is a picture of the document I found on my computer from 3/13/2006:

worst movie idea ever

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck? I’m thinking it too. I was 18 whenever I made this contract. I was a senior in high school. Senior year was a crazy year for me because I was usually home from school by like 11. All I had time to do was make contracts. Rather than ignore this and move on I would like to analyze what a dumb person I was back then based on this document alone.

First off, why did I think putting the word “Official” made things official? This is something incredibly retarded. As we all know something isn’t official until it’s on Facebook. Back then Facebook only allowed college students onto their smug website and Myspace’s reliability was pretty low. I guess just putting the word “Contract” wouldn’t look right though. What kind of contract? If someone sees the word official they may find it legitimate. When I think about it I should have had it say “Legitimate Contract” so when asked “is this legit?” I could tap my finger on the word legitimate.

Clearly the formatting on this stinks. There’s a gigantic gap and the (print name) is floating in the middle of nowhere. I took so many classes on web design and typing and I was always very good at them yet I never could figure out how to format a Microsoft Works document. Yes, I said Works, not Word. Microsoft Word is for rich kids. Microsoft Works is for kids who have to type up their own lame contracts.

richie rich

(Richie Rich has no excuse for being so unfashionable, he’s rich! Get a bow tie that fits and pants that won’t tempt a pedophile)

I’ll glance over the fact I had to specify US Dollars. Imagine how pissed I would have been if I got someone to donate to this unworthy cause and it was in Canadian loonies. Let me focus for a moment on the title of this project, Home Abortion Kit. This does sound like the title of something I might have wanted to make into a film. I remember writing up a Harry Potter parody YEARS ago (I stress years so you know I’ve grown as a human being) called Harry Squatter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. My idea of writing a funny movie used to be thinking of a bad porno movie title. The biggest flaw with the script other than I wrote it was there were too many Ichiro Suzuki jokes. I know, who? He was big when I wrote it, trust me.

I’m trying to piece together a potential plot to this film based on the title. I may be thinking now this was going to be a short instructional video I was going to make for a company I knew about. I only knew about the company because I somehow started talking to a transsexual online who had done films for them. Yeah, that last sentence has no errors in it. How did I think this would have been a good idea? What would I do, push girls down the stairs? I couldn’t even get a girl to tell me to watch out for a moving bus back then. How could I get one to agree to let me push her down some stairs as a gag?

bus death

(The worst before and after diet photo ever)

There are a few typos in the contract which I guess makes the “Official” at the top look like a lie. I enjoy the fact that I guess I was giving out refunds if I won in a contest? Is that what I was doing? If I won 2nd place I would give you half your money back? That’s not how movies work. Why was I so stupid? Even worse I actually thought this idea had potential. I thought I was going to, without any experience; win an independent short film contest. Certain people need to be knocked down and told their dreams stink. 18-year-old me was one of those people.

  1. I have decided that when my novel gets published you are going to draw up the contract.

  2. And *POW*… now get up… your dreams stink. I will be leaving in my time machine now.

  3. Addie says:

    Get a bow tie that fits and pants that won’t tempt a pedophile I snorted in laughter.

  4. Is your blog heading a bit in the direction of the fashion police meets illegal abortion provider? Kinda hoping it’s yes on the former, and hell no on the latter…

  5. I love how you were kickstarting your own project before Kickstarter even existed.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I had a lot of motivation when I was younger only it went in phases of weeks rather than months or years. I guess I’m still that way. I had planned to make a few short movies in the last few months and now I’m already bored with them. I suck.

  6. twindaddy says:

    We were all stupid when we were 18. We just didn’t know it at the time.

  7. Seb says:

    “official” is just sleazy lawyer talk!

  8. robpixaday says:

    At 18 you were so sure you’d successfully pitch a movie called, “Home Abortion Kit” that you drew up your own contract? Wow.

    Here’s the thing, though: Don’t think that you’re going to be much smarter when you’re 35 or 45 or 55. Everybody’s stupid — the entire way through life. Some people get good at hiding it, some people fake it, and some people are so manipulative that they convince everyone else that THEIR brand of stupid is actually smart. That third group runs for Congress or goes to law school.

    I had Works, never even tried Word. Works barely worked for me. You did a lot with it, IMHO.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha yeah I’ve come to realize most people don’t get all too much smarter. I do think we grow a lot though. We’re never as smart as we’d like to be though which is the frustrating part.

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