College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.


(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.


(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.


(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.


(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.


(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.


(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.

  1. I have to wonder about people who go to college on a scholarship for a sport that you know they’re never going to do anything with. Lily had a friend that was really into tennis. Her parents pushed her really hard. What did they think, that she’s go to the olympics or that she would end up like Venus Williams? It’s almost mean to encourage your kid to excel in a sport unless you know they’re the equivalent of say, Rembrandt to the art world.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Don’t most pro tennis players retire around 25 anyway? Seems like a waste of time. Is this the same girl Lily knew who she’s holding a grudge with or is this a different girl I’m sure she’s holding a grudge with?

  2. Addie says:

    My favorite college track of study was history, and, I still regret I didn’t finish it and teach. Although, I fear I’d have been one of the most boring teachers around. I’d go off on tangents about how Chaucer’s sister in law was the great grand-mother to Elizabeth I, and blah blah blah. This way, I’d avoid movies like ‘We Have to Talk About Kevin’, even though I loved the book.

    • Mooselicker says:

      We Have To Talk About Kevin was a pretty darn good movie though. I guess though since you’ve read the book you may not like it. I like any movies with mass school killings though, even if they don’t show much. That kid was such a bastard. Did the kid in the book always wear belly shirts? For some reason Kevin wore them in the film a ton.

  3. Lily says:

    My least favorite major that I came across in the states was Agriculture or (Ag) science. It’s like, okay just be a farmer. You don’t have to get a degree. We all believe that you know a lot about agriculture.
    In England a major that I came across a lot was Sport’s Science. Almost every guy in my school did sport’s science and their dreams were to become either a gym teacher or a personal trainer. I was talking to two freshmen once and asked them what their majors were. One said business and the other said sport’s medicine. I was like, “Oh whew I thought you were going to say sport’s science” and he was like, “nahh sport’s medicine is a normal major” and the other guy was like, “Yeah mate, the world is your oyster.”
    It was one of my favorite moments ever.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Kinesiology or however you spell it is exercise science. It must be our generation that got real into that because it was big around people I knew too. In 5th grade everyone wanted to be a marine biologist and save the ocean. By 12th they wanted to coach kickball.

  4. Film majors… yeah… but if I catch you trying to film any minors again, you are in trouble mister!

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    …. *removes ad from Craigslist*

    College works differently over here, I just did one full time course for a year, then another full time course the next year. Both IT courses which were easy and got me nowhere in life. But still, the times spent at the pub were fun.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You can stuff like that over here too. Don’t you guys start Uni at like 16 or was that British wench I spent an evening with lying?

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Yeah some schools you can stay at until you’re 18 and then go to Uni but if you’re super smart you get to go younger. It’s different here though, no college sports teams which is a shame. I’d have been a beast if I was on an American Football team.

  6. robpixaday says:

    Hahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even your tags are making me laugh!!!!!!!

    Least favorite college major? Have to go back in time for that…way back to a couple of years after they invented the Super Bowl. Have to say “Phys Ed.” The school I went to was pretty well known for Music Ed and Phys Ed majors. I was Music Ed…one of the things the Dean of the School of Music told us at freshman orientation was that we shouldn’t fraternize with the animals. I found out a couple of week slater that he meant we shouldn’t spend time with the Phys Ed majors. I met a few bec I volunteered to teach swimming to some “mentally-challenged” (they weren’t called that, back then) elementary school kids. The Phys Ed majors were basically OK. But they did a lot of flexing and sweating, and made noises I still have nightmares about.

    They probably said the same thing about us, though. Spit valves can be pretty disgusting.

    Best line ever:
    Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s funny you I think you’re the first person to pick that as your least favorite major. It’s such a big field now. Any failed high school athlete thinks it’s what they should do with their life. I usually hid during gym class when we weren’t playing a sport with little running. I never once batted in kickball during my entire high school career. I’m very proud of that.

  7. robpixaday says:

    I just looked at the Urban Dictionary to see what it said for “spit valve.”
    Uh…I meant the second entry (about brass instruments) not the first one (about Something Else.
    Of course.


  8. Posky says:

    Thank you for the tip about college girls.

    I am such a number 5 too.

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