College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.
1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.
(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)
2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.
(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)
3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.
(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)
4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.
(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)
5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.
(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)
6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.
(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)
What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.