I thought about posting a pair of breasts and leaving things be, but men are much more complex than that. We also like football, beer, and fast cars. Nothing makes me feel more feminine than seeing the media’s portrayal of a man. I hate football, don’t drink beer, and every car I’ve ever owned can only go 0 to 60 in 60 minutes. Maybe I’m just more clockwork on the inside and I’m different from all those other guys out there. Yeah, I really don’t think so.

I was having an email conversation when my counterpart said “This sounds like a blog post.” She was right. Admittedly, sometimes I will get an idea in my head and work it out in a conversation before trying to write it all out for the public to see. This wasn’t exactly the case in this situation but I agreed with her, what I had to say deserved to be in a blog.

The basic conversation was her friend was insisting to her that she knew what a man wants. Keep in mind, this female who knows everything about men had her first kiss three months ago. Three months ago I made turkey burgers on the grill for the first time. Where’s my Turkey Burger restaurant? I’m an expert now, right?


(Doesn’t this turkey burger image make you want to have a real burger instead?)

Summarizing this idiot’s ideology on what a man wants the best I can, she said a man wants her. All men want this girl. It’s fine to think people “want” you and all because it boosts your confidence and whatnot. I’ll insist to myself all women want me and if I was to turn them down they’d work really hard to get a job with an office atop a skyscraper just so they could jump out the window and kill themselves because I’m not theirs. I may take it a little far, but it helps me sleep at night when the sassy black ghost who lives in my closet won’t leave me alone.


(I was actually going to try to mess around with this picture and make her more ghsot-like but I know you’re all smart enough to realize a ghost would never live in my closet. It’s way too messy)

For you, other idiot girls who think you have men figured out, I have created a list of things the average male desires in a woman. By average I mean me. I’m average enough, especially in appearance. But I do believe men want the same basic things from a woman. The problem is expressing these things to another person. I’m not perfect so I won’t tell you how to express these things. That’s your part. I can lead you to water but I can’t make you clean out your ass with it or however that Benjamin Franklin quote goes.


(“A penny saved is a penny to throw at the Jews.” – Benjamin Adolph Franklin)

-Sweetness: If you’re sweet any guy no matter how hard he might seem will fall for you. I could never even entertain the idea of associating with a female who isn’t a complete sweetheart. Have some compassion and get a little upset when I make fun of a crippled person, but not too upset.

-A Little Adventurous: Movies always have these daring women who help to break men out from their shells. They’ll break into someone’s house or something and the man will be all leery saying it’s not a good idea. Breaking and entering is a little too adventurous. A little adventurous would be something like trying new foods or inviting your friends over to watch sex happen. Show a guy something new and he’ll want to learn more.

-Good Sense of Humor: Girls always say all they want is a guy with a good sense of humor and scientists have determined from this statement that women are liars. Women don’t want a funny guy. They want a funny guy who also has more qualities they seek. A good sense of humor in a woman is a major plus for all men. Guys want you to be their biggest fan. And don’t fake laughing or tell a guy he’s funny when he isn’t. It makes truly funny people like Andy Dick look bad.

-Slight Overdependence: Men like to know you can’t make it without them. We want to know we can easily make you cry. Make sure there are enough things you share where he can do it better than you can. Why do you think toilets were invented? Shitting in a hole is so much cleaner which is why I do it.

-Unaggressive: It’s a huge turn-off for most guys when a woman is overly aggressive. That’s not to say you can’t be at times. I love a woman who can take control of any situation, but of every situation it goes from aggressiveness to bossiness. Girls who say things like “I know what I want and I make sure I get it” should die. There’s only one voice that sentence can be said in and it’s in an incredibly bitchy voice. Instead of being aggressive try using reason. Don’t push people out of the way or whine to get your way, learn something called compromise. Maybe if you figure out what it means you won’t die alone.

Single female readers, you’re welcome.

  1. Lily says:

    Seems like you know a lot about what the male population wants. It’s kind of similar to your other list of what you want in a girl, but not really.

    “I know what I want and I make sure I get it” I feel like one of the Housewives has that as their opening line. Most of the housewives have opening lines like that yet they’re all married for some reason.
    My mom always says “there’s a lid for every pot” so I guess even the weirdest most annoying girls are attractive to someone and vice versa. Which is annoying because I’d like to think of more people dying alone.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Are you saying I wish I was a girl and could date the person I am? You’re probably right.

      Your last line in this comment summed up your recent Angry Lily character. I like it.

      • Lily says:

        Hah thanks. I feel like my Angry Lily character is funnier than my normal Lily self. But yeah I think we’ve already discussed how you and I are in love with ourselves.

  2. The Franklin quote is the funniest thing I’ve heard in ages. You’re not right and I love it!

  3. I knew we were in trouble from the title alone. I can relate about some of this. I don’t own fancy cars, I don’t do organized sports. I used to drink way too much now I hardly do at all. And I have dated hundreds of beautiful women, all with out ever getting dressed up or showing up in an expensive car or taking them someplace fancy. Why? Because I am interesting. That is all I have going for me. I have been places, and done stuff, and I tell a good story about them. Interesting goes a long way.

  4. robpixaday says:


    A man once told me that the only woman he ever really wanted was whatever woman wanted him. When he said it he was so drunk that he thought the oncoming headlights were the marker lights on an airport runway and couldn’t understand why we hadn’t taken off yet. Sober, he had other criteria. For him to be interested women had to be (1) pretty when lying down and (2) not fat enough to out-drink him.

    Your list makes a lot of sense. I hope you’re OK with that.

    Btw, this is my first “new eye” comment. And the first post I’ve read here — ever — without my nosed smooshed up against the screen. Figured I’d jump back in with something that I knew would make me laugh. YAY!! It did!!!!!!! Thank you!


    • Mooselicker says:

      I feel honored to be the first post your new eye had seen. Did you get a dead prisoner’s eye transplanted into you? That would be cool.

      I have more detailed standards about a girl, but these are easy ones I think any female can achieve. Of course a girl must look pretty while lying down. If she looks bad lying down she better look even worse walking out the door because otherwise I’ll have second thoughts.

  5. robpixaday says:


    “…the first post I’ve read here…”
    I meant all of WP since I’ve been a member (2006) not just your site.


  6. Ha. This is like how a woman wants a man that is sensitive, but not overly sensitive. Like sensitive enough to realize she exists, but not so sensitive that he cries at Hallmark commercials.

  7. I like funny – funny, witty & smart are all important…David Bowie skinny is alluring too…but wit- I need wit!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad you didn’t say “all” you need is funny and witty. I don’t like girls like that. You want funny as well as attractiveness and charm and maybe a few other things. I like those qualities in a woman too. Why am I typing in almost fragments?

  8. This breaks my heart. Because I’m not sweet, and I don’t think Andy Dick is funny. This means that we probably aren’t dating in a parallel universe where I’m younger and single.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    My best friends wife is one of those aggressive types, which is good to have when you’re wanting to complain about something but you don’t want to make a fuss, she’ll make the fuss for you. But then that puts her in control on the relationship then, I don’t like that. 1950s would have suited me better because a woman did what she was told and didn’t try to be above her station.

    Massive tits never hurts either.

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