I decided this year I was going to play Santa Claus and get my neighbors special gifts. Some people say the perfect gift is something expensive. Others say it’s only the thought that counts. I believe a great gift is getting someone something they need and don’t even realize. Here is what I plan on getting my neighbors for Christmas.

-For the people above me who always yell and fight I plan to get them soundproof walls and a marriage counseling book. Actually, they’re not even married and they’re already fighting. Maybe instead I should get them a gun so they can settle things once and for all. I don’t need to wake up to the word “motherfucker” getting yelled on a Sunday. That word should be reserved for the PM hours.

-For the family next to me with three yippie dogs who never shut up I plan to get Michael Vick. Yes, the actual guy. He hasn’t done too well this season and if we’re lucky he will be desperate for a job next year. I don’t want Michael Vick to actually kill the dogs but his presence could maybe shut them up a bit. If Michael Vick isn’t available I’ll get the husband a workout DVD so he doesn’t have to step outside shirtless and subject me to his terrible body.


(Is his last name really “Blanks” or is it something like “Fuckers” and they’re trying to censor it?)

-For the Canadian family living diagonally up from me I plan to get an ashtray. This ashtray is for them to then give to the people living above me so none of us have to live with a front yard covered in cigarette butts. Thank you Canadian family for never being a problem.

-For everyone living in my complex who doesn’t keep their dog on a leash I plan to get a leash. Not for their dogs, for them to hang themselves for being so inconsiderate.

-For the new family living on the corner who always toss their chicken wing bones onto the ground I plan to get the knowledge that boneless chicken wings exist. If they are too stupid which I think they might be then I will get them a larger garbage can so they don’t have to throw their garbage onto the lawn. Seriously, do they really think a squirrel can do anything with these bones? I’ve had to yank three out from my dog’s mouth and he accidentally bites me every time. I really want a bus to crash through their window.


(This is all I want for Christmas. Maybe an explosion too)

-For the guy I saw folding his laundry while smoking I plan to get a nicotine patch. Dude, getting ashes all over your clean clothes defeats the purpose of washing.

-For the woman who once made a passive aggressive comment to me from her car about how her neighbors let their dogs piss and shit all over the place I plan to get a bag of my dog’s shit. How about if you see me not picking up the dog shit then you say something. I saw a black guy looting a stereo on the news. I don’t assume it’s your son you whore.

-For the only other younger white people I’ve seen living in my apartment complex I plan to get friendly smiles. Out of all the gangsters, the white trash, and the obnoxious ghetto women I seem to see on a daily basis these younger white folk seem to be the least friendly of any. What’s with white people and their stubbornness toward being friendly to strangers? White people crazy.

kat williams

(“They sho’ is.” – Katt ‘What Did I Do To Piss Off Comedy Central’ Williams)

What do you plan on getting your neighbors for Christmas, Kwanza, or whatever it is you celebrate?

  1. twindaddy says:

    I don’t know any of my neighbors, but I plan on getting my coworkers a piping hot cup of shut the fuck up. The conspiracy theories are getting old.

  2. Carrie Rubin says:

    Your post brings back memories of some of my lovely college living quarters. One was a tiny sleeping room where I shared the floor’s bathroom with a long-haired stoner and a psychopathic old guy. Good times I tell you. I had to move out when the old guy tried to get into my room one morning.

    Congrats on your ‘sainthood’ from Brother Jon. Just followed you on Twitter. By doing so, I saw your retweet of Alan Tudyk’s tweet, so I followed him, too. I’m sure he’ll be honored.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Yikes! I never lived in any dorm situation, but I know if I did I would have had some terrible experiences. Everything seems too cluttered together.

      Alan Tudyk and me are good pals in the future. I just don’t know exactly when he’ll take to my charm. His Alpha character on Dollhouse is what won me over. Totally underrated actor.

      • Carrie Rubin says:

        I agree. Love that guy’s work. And he makes a great pirate (Dodgeball). Arrgghh!

        It wasn’t a dorm I lived in. It was an old house in the worst part of town. But it was all I could afford. $50 a month. Tells you a little something about the place…

  3. Ummmm… sometimes I make my neighbors cheddar cheese beer bread. Now I feel like a slacker.

  4. renxkyoko says:

    I don’t know who my neighbors are… I wouldn’t recognize if I saw them on the street, or grocery aisle.

  5. Pete Howorth says:

    I get them nothing. They stay out of my way and don’t cause a problem, I stay out of their way and don’t cause a problem. It’s actually a nice little relationship we have going on. We’ll nod at each other when we see each other or they’ll come over only when a package has been delivered to them by mistake. We may come together once in a blue moon to discuss the happenings of where we live, such as “Knob heads have broke the bus shelter window again”

    To which I’ll reply, “Yeah.”

    But communication on that level happens so rarely these days.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I miss neighbors like that. Hopefully in the new place it’ll be all sorority girls looking to sex me or others who will keep to themselves as I choose to do.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Sexy girls wanting to give you pleasure may sound good on paper but after awhile I can imagine it getting a little old. Trying to do the washing or watch television and they’re trying to claw through your window. No thanks.

        …Wait, what am I saying?

  6. Addie says:

    You really need to move. I am giving my neighbors cookies, so they won’t let their dogs poo on my yard. I’m not sure that will stop them, but, maybe my new fence will.

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