One thing I can never get over is how in every teen movie there is a legendary high school party that takes place. I don’t know about you guys, but my high school days were not filled with parties. One time three of us got together and went to Applebee’s and shared appetizers. That’s the closest I ever got to living a Project X life. But a funny thing happened to me after graduating. I was 20 years old when I was finally invited to an awesome high school party. Today I share with some of those details.

I was invited to this party because I was friends with a loser who happened to have a popular younger brother. The younger brother looked like Zac Efron and Charlie St. Cloud had not come out yet so Zac was still cool. The mother of the house was on vacation and the father was dead. If they didn’t at least try to throw a party it would have been a crime.


(Why does Zac Efron look like a blind person in this picture?)

I was lucky enough to be one of only 6 people my friend invited. He would have invited more, but he was my friend so he wasn’t very cool. Two of the six people he invited were girlfriends or wives of his friends. I felt a little old going to this party until a married father showed up. Suddenly my boyish good-looks shined through and I had no fear of creeping anyone out too much.

I arrived at the party looking as incredibly badass as possible. I had on a killer jacket, a spiked up colorful white Mohawk, and a smile that could make you shit. Instantly as I walked into the house I became the center of attention, probably because I had a ridiculous hairstyle. I actually went pretty unnoticed despite my appearance. I was the second oldest person at the party which made me second in charge if we’re going to do things the Mayan way. The oldest person there was a fat Korean kid. This party was left in the balance of North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Fat or whatever his name is.


(Good thing Chin is a Chinese last name and not a Korean one. Otherwise this poor brat would have been teased a lot for having so many)

The party was cool, I guess. The house wasn’t very big but I would say there were around 150 people in there. The basement was filled with underage kids drinking and playing beer pong. I walked down there for a moment, nodded at a kid I recognized, and then went back upstairs to hang with people I actually knew. I don’t remember drinking much if at all. In fact, I don’t remember a single thing I really did other than turned to people and said “Cool party, huh?” And it was a cool party because things were crowded.

Someone said something about how there was a lack of music playing at the party. My crowning achievement of the night was going over to the computer and putting up a graduation speech video at full volume. High school graduation speeches are simply the most repulsive usage of human language. Nobody much appreciated my joke except for the one kid at the party who I’ve seen practically have sex with his sister. I say practically because they were still wearing pants.


(Sure he finished first in his class but at what cost? His face and never having a conversation with a girl. That was the cost)

Trouble struck when some cool kids who weren’t invited showed up outside. Some 15 year old boys went outside to try to scare them off. This was a party thrown by mostly high school sophomores after-all so the 15 year olds knew more people than anyone. The cool kids who weren’t invited threatened to call the cops and that’s when the shit hit the fan. The party had to end. It had only lasted maybe an hour or two and a hallowed threat caused it all to come crashing down.

The fat Korean kid started to boss everyone around and tell them to leave. The issue with this is 75% of the kids there couldn’t drive yet and the other 25% were pretty drunk. At this point nobody cared. The school was looking for a crashed car to in front of the school as an ominous warning and we thought maybe we could do a good deed and provide them with one.

A few party-goers still would not leave. The mean cool kids came back and were having an argument outside. A pretty girl with really big breasts was looking out the window confused as to what was happening. I told her someone got stabbed with a harpoon and was dying on the lawn. Her response was a simple “Oh no!” If she had any sense she would have said “Who the fuck carries around a harpoon and where do you get one?” Of all the existing stereotypes, pretty high school girls with big breasts are always incredibly dumb.


(Only a girl from my high school would think her classmates would not only own this but carry it around and use it on others)

The Korean kid was trying to get the cool kids to leave. I found a random knife lying on the television and suggested he take it out there and scare them. He knocked some sense into me saying it was dumb to do because that could be seen as a threat. Not to mention, the knife had cake on it. Instead the Korean kid used a baseball bat to scare them off. If you’ve ever watched the Little League World Series you would know the Koreans are pretty good offensively.

Finally everything cleared out. We cleaned up a little bit and talked about how cool it was to have to break up a party and ruin people’s party night. The rest of the night was spent talking about our lives and how we could improve ourselves which seems to me the way every night with friends always ends. Just once I want to hang out with a friend and things not get to the point where I’m lying and saying how great they are.

Tell me about the coolest party you have ever been to. And yes, this was probably the coolest party I have ever been to. Unless you want to count the one where I tried adding some girl on Myspace afterwards and she denied me. That was a fun night until she totally ruined my life.

  1. I didn’t go to cool parties, usually. I do remember one I somehow ended up at that had people drinking and doing something stupid near the stove which was about the time I left. I think it involved the pilot light and alcohol, but I didn’t stay to find out. Also, I have an ex who still has a myspace page. Talk about dodging a bullet.

  2. Ummmm… You know where to read about my cool party stories.
    Wouldn’t it be; your boyish good looks ‘shone’ through and not shined… but then again…
    But you fit in the racist chin joke, so good job.

  3. Oh, and did you hear about the car crash in China town?
    Two Wongs tried to make a right…

  4. Lily says:

    I liked going to any kind of party in high school. My friends threw them all the time but there was always tops 40 people there. I did go to a crowded on once where the people were losers and some guy told me that out of all the girls at the party he’d like to kiss me the most. Aw/yikes?
    I also went to someone that went to a different school’s party. It was weird because besides my four friends, I knew no one. I just walked around telling people my name was Destiny.

    Hahah the bit about Charlie St. Cloud made me laugh and same with the girl believing the harpooning. I feel like I would’ve believed it because I’m so gullible.

  5. Seb says:

    No police raid? Lightweight….

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    I always get jealous watching shit like this and American Pie, parties like that never happen over here. I’ve barely even been to parties as an adult, they mainly consist of getting blind drunk in a pub somewhere which is good too. It’s good at my age now though because friends all have their own place so I can go there and get hammered but it’s never a party on a grand scale.

    I wish I was at that party; I’d have definitely broken a couple of windows.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Those parties have to happen somewhere though right? They can’t be completely fictional. I like how you use American Pie as your example. Weren’t those kids supposed to be losers too?

      We should put on a giant party like that. I’ll buy extra windows just to break them.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Just get a load of panes of glass delivered and we’ll just start the party by smashing them over our heads. That right there is a sure fire way to guarantee an excellent party.

  7. Maybe the fact that you were on MySpace should’ve been the first sign that something was wrong… 🙂

  8. Stuck in a tree says:

    Idk if you’ve seen this but it’s about this really ridiculous kid in Australia who threw one of those parties and acts like every movie character… It almost seems like he doesn’t exist haha but he actually does

    • Mooselicker says:

      “It was the most intense party movie I have ever seen for our generation.” – or whatever that dope’s quote was when she reviewed it for you.

      For some reason that link brings me to some weird YouTube page. I’ll take your word for it.

  9. I’ve never been to a single high school party ever. Not even to a losers’ party. Not even in my post-high school/post-apocalyptic age. Oh now I feel like I’m the lamest person in existence, thanks.

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