I come from a long line of people with super powers. My great-grandmother had the ability to read minds, my grandfather had the ability to levitate, and my uncle can make young girls disappear. Somewhere out there there’s a swamp filled with missing children. Seriously, he should be locked up. My super power is the ability to spot an idiot right away. Chances are you’re an idiot because almost everyone is. My hope with this piece I have written is to let you know how to spot an idiot where you spend your most time, on Facebook.


(Does anyone remember when Facebook was cool? If you said yes then you’re lying. It’s impossible to remember never)

Here are the things I have noticed while perusing Facebook that scream idiotic. Don’t think just because you’ve done a few of these things I think you’re an idiot. Oh no child, you’re reading this so if confronted I will pretend I don’t think you’re stupid. For the record, I probably already hate you so calling you an idiot really isn’t too big of a deal.

-Posting Song Lyrics: This isn’t completely idiotic but it tells me you can’t write your own poetry. You’re also saying “Hey I like this band, let me see if anyone else likes this band too.” Then an even bigger idiot likes your status and you two can bond over your love of some shitty band.

-Posting Drama: If I know you have a dramatic life based on your Facebook statuses you are an idiot. I should not know things about your life. Facebook isn’t the place to know about baby’s mama drama. Facebook is a place where we can quickly look through our friend’s pictures and send the embarrassing ones to people we actually like. Yes, I do this all the time.

-Posting Sad Faces or Anything Else Depressing: I knew a guy who would do this all the time. He’s dead now. He took the Socrates way out, suicide. After all the depressing statuses he made on Facebook nothing could ever save him. How about you stop staring at a computer screen and maybe do something nice for someone else to make yourself feel better? Don’t post a frowny face. Most of them just look like a man with a handle-bar mustache anyway.

-Asking People to Hangout: Really? Normally when I want to hangout I’ll ask the people I want to hangout with over the phone or in a private message. The best is when no one replies and it can be assumed the idiot sat at home watching new iCarly episodes. I shouldn’t know you’re pathetic. I should have some fantasy about your awesome life. It gives me hope. Knowing you’re a loser means I make fun of you behind your back.

-Asking for Favors: The only one I’m guilty of is this one. I’ll ask for favors because I don’t have a real connection with too many people and I like to put it out there in the open to see if maybe someone I know has a hidden talent that can help me. I’m still an idiot for doing it. This is far different from the favors I ask for on Craigslist. Those always involve backrubs from college girls. Craigslist is great. I can tell women I’m rich and athletic.

-Liking Too Much: Never and I mean never like your status, comment on the status, and then like your comment. It tells the world nobody gives a shit about you and neither should they. This might possibly be the most pathetic thing ever. This comes from a guy who took his mom’s best friend to prom. I’m kidding. I was my mom’s real best friend.

-Memes: The most offensive form of comedy after the ironic terrorist attack is the meme. Sure, the occasional meme is uproariously funny. For the most part though it’s idiot humor. People who overly enjoy memes are the same people who won’t read a book without pictures or won’t date a girl because she poops. The only memes I have ever posted were ones I made up myself, one being a fake one that I wanted to see gain some leverage. It never did but a few people liked it which means people will believe anything they read in a meme.

What idiotic things do you see on Facebook all the time? Don’t mention typos. Anyone who makes an obviously bad typo in a Facebook status, especially when it’s supposed to come off as funny or smart, should have their typing hands broken and their favorite pet kicked.

  1. Is there a place I can like your blog on Facebook? Like it over and over and over…? 🙂

  2. Lily says:

    This was a solid piece. I have a guilty pleasure in seeing all these things on my facebook newsfeed though. I like when people are sad and pathetic and like their own stuff. It makes me feel like the best. I send my friend pictures of anyone from our high school who got fat. Those are always brighten my day.
    Also, I’m glad you clarified that you were your mom’s best friend. I was worried for a minute.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I remain Facebook friends with certain people and like their music pages sometimes just to see how depressing they are. CJ Barna is good. He talks about how no one goes to his shows and how he’s stuck in a mare’s nest, whatever that means.

      Facebook either depresses me because everyone seems to be outdoors hiking or makes me feel better when people are posting on how they have nothing good in their life. It’s a little give and take.

  3. Brother Jon says:

    Can we pretend that airplanes in the night skies are like shooting stars. I could really use a wish right now.

    How many times do you remember seeing that one? Man…I think I may have hated that song before I ever even heard it for the first time.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Wow I’ve never actually seen that one. Most of my Facebook friends really aren’t too lame. I like too that you posted this comment about wishes at 11:11 AM. Coincidence?

      I seem to see way too many Blink 182 song lyrics.

  4. twindaddy says:

    Hey! I enjoy memes and I have read plenty of books without pictures. And I’ve dated plenty of girls who poop. But if I could find one that didn’t…

  5. I’m annoyed by folks who post pictures of the food that they’re eating. I don’t need to see your breakfast and a picture of a Starbucks mug does nothing but make me like you a litte less.

  6. Great post. This is exactly why I don’t do Facebook.

  7. The world is just so full of world-class idiots, why did you pick the ones who can actually use a computer to focus on???
    Also, your super power is a joke, because you haven’t caught on to the fact that I am an idiot. I know you. If you had, you would have told me. That is just the kind of guy you are. So trust me… your idiot-dar is down. You are surrounded by people right now that you think might not be idiots, and they are. Trust me, they are.

  8. Addie says:

    I do Facebook for the games and to stalk my children.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    People posting religious quotes pisses me off. Yes we know you’re religious for fuck sake.

    When you remove someone you find annoying, they’re all “OMG WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!” afterwards, and then I reply, “for the reason you’ve just given me.” Those people that add you on Facebook then never speak to you on there, why add in the first place?! Probs just to spy. Though to be fair that’s why Lily added me but at least she speaks haha 😉

    And yeah my feed is filled with peoples drama, someone’s threatening someone else, or someone’s constantly telling us how shit their life is when they clearly have a better life than I do. If you’re that unhappy, kill yourself. And yeah when people just put “:(”
    Then someone replies, “What’s up?”
    “Oh it doesn’t matter”

    Man I hate Facebook.

  10. joehoover says:

    Posting a photo of their beer so we know they are in the pub and obviously have a social life (they are probably drinking alone and communicating with nobody on Facebook). I’m in the pub but I just make sure it’s not the same one.

    Or posting a link to a page set up in reaction to a current event which I end up reading the comments on and then just get irate at the human race, a recent one was a celebrity who is being accused of abuse. Comments were saying “That sick fuck. I would rip that guys face off with my bare hands and then throw lemon juice on his bloody face then smash his head in with a sledgehammer” It really does take one sick fuck to know another one I guess.

    And people who take mobile phone pics of themselves and fish for compliments “my new hair do” “me in my new shirt” “check out my holiday tan” These are people who fucked off the man in the mirror so they have to scour Facebook to look for self validation.

    Thanks for that post, I needed that, I’ve been all peace and love this week, the cynic in me was too scared to come out. He didn’t need much coaxing,

    • Mooselicker says:

      Right on with everything you said. I hate anyone who fishes for compliments. Sometimes I’ll tag myself going to places I didn’t really go to like the Great Wall of China. I’m sure one moron believed it.

      I am glad I brought back your cynicism.

  11. Cafe says:

    Haha, I’m totally guilty of asking for favours on FB! In fact, that’s one of the reasons why I can’t let it go just yet … eh heh. I ask for recommendations for a good white wine while I’m on my way to the liquor store and I get ten responses right away. I ask for Season 2 of “Alias”, someone’s downloading it for me that night. I ask if anyone’s giving away furniture, I got four chairs for the kitchen. How can I give this up? How??

    • Mooselicker says:

      Asking for favors isn’t so bad except when nobody responds. Then I want to smack my face in. I saw you asking for furniture and was tempted to offer some extra stuff I have but obviously that would be a much bigger pain in the ass than you working extra hours and just buying something brand new.

  12. Absolutely. Those are the very reasons I avoid facebook as much as possible. That and seeing people I know post entire new albums consisting of 28 single shots of their oh so lovely selves, or bragging about eating in an expensive new restaurant whose food tastes like baked styro, and especially those who make it their minute by minute journal,

    “Tim is now buying Lady Gaga albums, Tim is now writing his one last letter to those he loved, Tim is now listening to Lady Gaga to kill himself, Tim is now dead.”

    Oh please. Why not try real communication instead of FB? And seeing people’s futile attempts at one-upping each other (well it happens all the time but FB makes it very available) that too makes me want to curse the Internet. But not really. FB’s still a great site to go to when you want some laughs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I love your hidden rage, have I ever told you that before?

      What happened to people wanting to be mysterious? I kind of like how people have no clue what I do with most of my time. I hope to one day have people say “When did he do that?” and be floored how I didn’t waste my time like they did. I think I just described a wet dream.

  13. The other day, one of my high school classmates posted a picture of some cookies she had made and captioned it “festive macaroons”, which was funny because they literally looked like a child had tried to chew up some jelly beans and coconut and then just spit it out. More like festive mess. Oh, Facebook.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s