Archive for December, 2012

College kids are lame. There’s a reason why men on Craigslist always want college girls to come over and give them a massage. These creepy men know only an idiot would do such an uncomfortable thing. My time in college was pretty lousy. I wasn’t a film major as this title may suggest because my community college knew we weren’t good enough to stick with anything filmed over 22 minutes so they called the major TV/Radio. The thing is I meet a lot of film majors in my life whether current or graduated. Today I categorize film majors into the personalities and traits they have. Like the films they tend to make, they’re not very original.

1) The Artist – Nobody likes an artsy person despite what you may think. The only reason artsy people have friends is because they have no shame and they’re a good coat-tail to ride. Hanging around with an artsy person means you can meet other people who hate them as much as you do. The artist sees films as that, art. They’re pretentious and their attempts at being original confuse everyone. But they took a risk and they’re good at filming things in black & white so the teacher at least gives them some respect.

FJG-Art-2894

(The second image to come up on Google when typing “artistic college student.” As you can see, college kids have no artistic talent. Those flowers don’t even look like vaginas)

2) The Fan – This person became a film major because they love movies. For their birthday they got an AMC gift card and when they were 18 they lost their virginity to the center of a DVD. Some of their ideas are okay but most of all they want to be Siskel or Ebert without the cancer. They’d be better suited as an English major where they can learn how to write better and like other English majors, waste their time.

the-fan

(Robert Deniro once took his fandom too far in a film called The Fan. Then he did it again this year with football and nobody seems to point out it’s the same movie with a different sport)

3) The Hot Chick – Why would a hot chick ever want to be a film major? I think when these fall through the cracks it’s a requirement for them to fill a class. Plus she’s insecure and knows everyone in the class will fawn over her. Her insecurity comes from when her dad used to film her play Robin Hood naked in the basement with her brother so she’s really trying to get back at the camera. Hot chicks who are interested in film should become actresses. Leave the creativity for guys like your child molesting dad.

average

(In a film class this chick is Scarlett Johansson)

4) The Average-Ugly Chick/Butch Lesbian – This makes up 90% of female film majors. What is it with lesbians wanting to make movies? You got Boys Don’t Cry and everything with Hilary Swank. The worst thing about dealing with these girls is you have to pretend like their idea isn’t bad. It’s rare a woman ever comes up to me with an idea and I think it’s brilliant. The biggest problem is women like to tell stories about themselves on film and quite frankly nobody wants to hear the story of some 20 year old girl’s life. Oh you love Twilight and your boyfriend hits you. Take a class on writing shorthand and fetch me my coffee.

coffee

(See, she’s fucking thrilled. She even has a state-of-the-art phone in her business)

5) The One Hit Wonder – When it comes to film majors these are the people who usually are the most normal. They’re really good at one aspect of filmmaking and the rest is a total fail. The biggest problem in my lessons in school was the teacher had to pretend we all potential to be good at every aspect. If he was an honest man he would have told the artist to pitch an original idea, have the fan check to make sure it hasn’t been done before then dumb it down, force the hot chick into starring in the thing, and then hand the ugly girls boom mics and tell them to stay out of everyone’s way. We probably could have made a good film if we all worked together. Instead we got 12 pieces of shit only highlighting our one skill. My skill of course was how great I was at not knowing what plugs went where.

jeswa2

(Put any electronical equipment in front of me and this is what I see)

6) The Time Waster – Have you ever met someone who you know is wasting their time on whatever it is they’re doing? Take a class on television and you will find a million of them, even if the class size is 6. There are so many people out there who think their ideas are so brilliant that it has to be on TV. Hey, I’m probably one of them. Specifically the time waster has no redeeming qualities and they’re usually pretty bossy. I find the best way to deal with a time waster, no matter what subject you’re supposed to learn about is to do a really piss poor job at whatever you task is and ruin any hopes they have of being the next Jenny Jones. The Time Waster makes me wish we lived in Roman days where they decided your job for you. The Time Waster’s job would be something involving human centipedes testing, at least I would hope so.

280px-Roman_Empire_Trajan_117AD

(Look how big this empire was. The Romans had the right idea on how to do things. Kill the weak and feed grapes to the strong)

What’s your least favorite college major? Mine would be photojournalists. I don’t like people who go to school to write captions.

I recently went on my old computer for the first time in over a year. The only reason I had been going on it was because I had a game I enjoyed playing downloaded there. It’s a fine enough computer. The biggest problem is I would have to keep the keyboard in my lap and the mouse would go on top of the computer tower since I have no computer desk. As you can see, I was headed toward scoliosis, carpal tunnel, and getting yelled at by keyboarding instructors all over for my improper setup. I found something strange on this old computer. I found my first attempt at trying to raise money for a movie I wanted to make.

The strangest thing about this movie is I don’t remember anything about it. I’ve had a lot of shitty ideas over the years and many stick with me. This idea though was different. This idea means nothing to. Below is a picture of the document I found on my computer from 3/13/2006:

worst movie idea ever

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck? I’m thinking it too. I was 18 whenever I made this contract. I was a senior in high school. Senior year was a crazy year for me because I was usually home from school by like 11. All I had time to do was make contracts. Rather than ignore this and move on I would like to analyze what a dumb person I was back then based on this document alone.

First off, why did I think putting the word “Official” made things official? This is something incredibly retarded. As we all know something isn’t official until it’s on Facebook. Back then Facebook only allowed college students onto their smug website and Myspace’s reliability was pretty low. I guess just putting the word “Contract” wouldn’t look right though. What kind of contract? If someone sees the word official they may find it legitimate. When I think about it I should have had it say “Legitimate Contract” so when asked “is this legit?” I could tap my finger on the word legitimate.

Clearly the formatting on this stinks. There’s a gigantic gap and the (print name) is floating in the middle of nowhere. I took so many classes on web design and typing and I was always very good at them yet I never could figure out how to format a Microsoft Works document. Yes, I said Works, not Word. Microsoft Word is for rich kids. Microsoft Works is for kids who have to type up their own lame contracts.

richie rich

(Richie Rich has no excuse for being so unfashionable, he’s rich! Get a bow tie that fits and pants that won’t tempt a pedophile)

I’ll glance over the fact I had to specify US Dollars. Imagine how pissed I would have been if I got someone to donate to this unworthy cause and it was in Canadian loonies. Let me focus for a moment on the title of this project, Home Abortion Kit. This does sound like the title of something I might have wanted to make into a film. I remember writing up a Harry Potter parody YEARS ago (I stress years so you know I’ve grown as a human being) called Harry Squatter and the Sorcerer’s Bone. My idea of writing a funny movie used to be thinking of a bad porno movie title. The biggest flaw with the script other than I wrote it was there were too many Ichiro Suzuki jokes. I know, who? He was big when I wrote it, trust me.

I’m trying to piece together a potential plot to this film based on the title. I may be thinking now this was going to be a short instructional video I was going to make for a company I knew about. I only knew about the company because I somehow started talking to a transsexual online who had done films for them. Yeah, that last sentence has no errors in it. How did I think this would have been a good idea? What would I do, push girls down the stairs? I couldn’t even get a girl to tell me to watch out for a moving bus back then. How could I get one to agree to let me push her down some stairs as a gag?

bus death

(The worst before and after diet photo ever)

There are a few typos in the contract which I guess makes the “Official” at the top look like a lie. I enjoy the fact that I guess I was giving out refunds if I won in a contest? Is that what I was doing? If I won 2nd place I would give you half your money back? That’s not how movies work. Why was I so stupid? Even worse I actually thought this idea had potential. I thought I was going to, without any experience; win an independent short film contest. Certain people need to be knocked down and told their dreams stink. 18-year-old me was one of those people.

While Lily was away this week awaiting trial for her involvement in a major United States Government cover-up, the blog simply known as Kidz Showz marched on. Here’s what you missed.

Boy Meets World where Lily talks about the show everyone I knew loved and I was never allowed to watch because Fred Savage’s face was too offensive.

Zoom where I talk about the unbeloved children’s program which considering it was on PBS, was brought to me by viewers like you. Thank you.

Spider-Man: The Animated Series where I talk about one of my favorite cartoons of my youth and show you how cruel my parents could be on Christmas.

Next week we look to start posting our first guest posts. You’re all of course welcome to it. All you have to do is put your lips together and blow to get in touch. Or say Beetlejuice 3 times. Yeah, I’m him.

It’s hard for me to say exactly what it is I find sexiest about a woman. It can vary from person to person. Physically I would say legs are my favorite. Oddly legs are also my favorite part of the chicken, mostly because drumsticks are fun to eat. I used to have this problem where whenever I would think about a woman with sexy legs I would sneeze. This problem was half my lifetime ago so feel free to send me pictures of your legs. I think I like legs on a woman because it’s not overly sexual but it can be if she uses them properly. There’s also the mystery about what’s at the top of the legs. Trust me, it’s not always what you expect. I could go on forever about the amazing things women can do to turn me on which would probably turn into some vampire erotica so I won’t. The topic today instead will cover things women should avoid doing in order to win my heart, my body, and my wallet. From what I have learned so far in life women care about those things in reverse order.

1) Smoking – Any kind of smoking a woman does is a huge turn-off for me and for many reasons. The first is smoking costs a lot of money. Cigarettes, pot, and crack are expensive. Not to mention you need to buy a lighter and a few other accessories. Women ask for money a lot too and if I say something like “Maybe you should quit smoking” I end up having to sleep on the couch in my apartment while she lies in my bed. I have never seen a woman with a cigarette in her mouth and thought about kissing her. Don’t they make your teeth yellow too? I hate the excuse that smoking helps you relax too. If you need to give yourself cancer in order to relax you already are a drama queen.

jaime-pressly-abs-smoking

(At least put on some pants before you decide to die younger than intended)

2) Never Smile – Girls should smile non-stop. If I was president I would have women slaughtered if they weren’t smiling. I hate when a girl, no matter how much she hates me, no matter how much I creep her out, refuses to smile at me. Be nice, say hello, and act as if I’m retarded if you must but flash me a gorgeous smile or else I’ll assume you’re a cold bitch.

stern face

(Smile you’ve got a cool hat on. And by cool I mean ugly)

3) Doesn’t Take Care of Herself – No, I’m not saying girls who don’t masturbate turn me off although I will tell them they’re missing out on some fun alone time activities. I mean more about girls who don’t at least try to look presentable. You don’t have to be perfect, in fact I don’t want a girl to be perfect. I want a girl who’s a little too thick in some places but you can tell she works hard at being the best she can. Ideally men want girls with some meat on them so stop blaming us and the media for saying “thin is in” because most guys like big breasts, a thick ass, and thunder thighs. Make sure though that your thighs don’t extend below the knee or under your arms.

1_gymEmpty

(Use it)

4) Bad Grammar – Whether it’s speaking or writing, if a girl spells more than the average word wrong I cannot deal with her. Girls have to understand there’s this thing called spell check and it should be used when unsure. I also want to go asexual every time I see a “GuRl TyPe LyKe ThIs.” Although it’s a consistent pattern, it’s not cute. It reminds me of Captcha and I have never gotten a Captcha correct on the first try.

grammar_fail

(I understand why parents send their children to private school now)

5) Drinking – I don’t mind if a girl drinks. What I do mind is a girl always drinking around me. Am I that boring where you need to invite your ex-boyfriend Jack Daniels over? I think I could only ever tolerate being around a drunk girl on Friday or a Saturday night, possibly one weeknight too but on rare occasions. Drunk girls not lying on their backs naked in a bed are the most annoying things on the planet. This comes from a guy who currently has a cricket stuck in his ear.

jack-daniels

(If you’re a female and this picture makes you drool with excitement then I’m afraid I’ll be eating cheesecake alone tonight)

6) Troublemaker – There are certain ways to spot a girl who is a troublemaker. Troublemaking girls have these qualities: tattoos, piercings, enjoy the Fast & Furious films, can convince you their addictions are not addictions, colorful hair, many male friends, know where to buy fireworks, have pushed me out-of-the-way to buy cigarettes. They don’t need all these qualities of course to be a troublemaker. I warn you however, when several are present she’s probably a bad seed.

female-tattoos-14

(So tell me, which relative are you trying to get back at?)

7) Overly Dependent / Not Dependent Enough – I’m a guy so I like when a girl dependents on me for survival. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had to kill animals with my bare hands to feed a hungry girl. Still, I don’t like that dependence to get to an insane level. The happy medium should be an independent woman who can take care of herself, but at times needs help. All things in moderation. Didn’t Julius Caesar say that? I think he tried saying it again while he was getting stabbed. A moderate amount of knife wounds and he may have survived.

wheelchair

(Perfection! Probably doesn’t smoke, an adorable smile, thin, has a good job so she knows good grammar most likely, hasn’t had a drink since she drove through that house, no visible scary tattoos, and will need me to do a few things but since she is an independent career woman I won’t have to do everything for her because of a little thing called pride)

What are your turn-offs when it comes to members of the gender you’re attracted to? Don’t say “Not being you Mr. Tim” because I already know how I make you all melt.

I’ve met a lot of dumb women in my life. It seems like every day I tell myself someone has topped the dumbest people I have previously known. There’s nothing wrong with being so unbelievably stupid. I mean someone has to get trapped down a well so the news isn’t all about murders and waterskiing squirrels. Today I would like to tell you about the stupidest girl I have ever talked to.

We’ll call this girl Katie because Katie is an average dumb girl’s name and her real name was Katie. She was a few years younger than me, 4 to be exact. I was entering my senior year while Katie was an incoming freshman. Before you go thinking this is some creepy relationship we had I will let you know she was a friend of mine’s younger sister and all pictures I sent her of my genitals were from such a distance you couldn’t really see much anyway.

far away

(Can we ever be certain this isn’t a picture of a naked pregnant woman or man with a pot belly?)

Katie was nervous about starting high school as most unbelievably stupid girls will be. Stupid girls may seem confident at times. I have come to learn they’re just too dumb to know how to express fear. I was already a high school veteran and seemed like a smart enough man so Katie turned to me for knowledge about the school. Seeing a chance to mess with someone’s head, I decided I could take things. The following are from what I can remember I convinced Katie were true things that went on in our high school. Note, she believed them all and asked her mom if she could go to a different school.

1) First I told Katie that the guidance counselors are no help because all they do is smoke pot and shoot squirrels in the parking lot all day long. Strange, but believable enough.

2) I went on to tell Katie the most frightening thing about high school is one day each semester in gym they make you do 100 naked pushups. I gave no reason why they made us do this other than it was a very sinister thing to make children do.

3) As far as cafeteria food went most of the meat was made from pure horse. That’s right, my high school served horseburgers. Where would they get the horse meat from? The school had a stable next to the dumpsters.

horse

(Imagine this served with tater tots. Good huh?)

4) When Katie said how awful it was that our school was slaughtering horses to feed the children she said she was going to protest it. I warned her the year previous a classmate of mine had tried doing the same thing and was shot in the head by one of the snipers hiding on the roof.

5) I asked Katie what teachers she had since her class schedule had arrived in the mail. I warned her about how her math teacher was a nudist. I had him my freshman year and while checking homework his balls hit my elbow.

6) Possibly the best thing I convinced Katie was that there was a centaur who taught at the school. Yes, a girl believed a mythological beast had a teaching degree. She didn’t quite believe centaurs were real so I explained he had surgery to make his lower-half horse. What was with me and lies about horses? Either way, Katie believed one day she might have a centaur as a teacher.

Centaur_Narnia

(Mr. Douglas was a pretty good teacher despite his differences. Who could ever believe a Centaur would have such a strong upper body though? How could he do pushups?

I want to say there were more things I made her believe to be true but these are the only ones I remember and they were the best anyway. On a separate occasion I told her I drove passed her house and saw a 10 foot tall clown holding a knife standing outside her bedroom window. She should have known it was a lie because how would I possibly know which window was the one belonging to her bedroom? When I first began talking to Katie she said two things to me. The first was she would never have sex and the second was Anne Hathaway would never get naked in a movie. Two years went by and Katie emulated Paris Hilton and wanted to be a porn star. A few more years passed and I saw Anne Hathaway nude in Love & Other Drugs.

Why are people as stupid as Katie real?

One topic I have avoided writing about on this blog is my time on the high school football team. I have avoided it because I don’t want you to feel like a lesser human being. I was a pretty fucking big deal on the team if I do say so myself. Should I tell you now that I’m being sarcastic when I say I was an important cog on the football team? Okay, I will. The marching band had more of an effect on the outcome of the games than I did. It had nothing to do with skill but everything to do with heart.

(Like the Tinman, I lacked the heart it took to play football. Unlike the Tinman, I didn’t get cancer from a movie role. Did the actor get cancer or is this one of those Urban Legends?)

It’s not that I sucked at football or anything. In fact, in 8th grade I was Defensive Most Valuable Player during intramurals where I led Mrs. Chernoski’s homeroom to a championship picture. Yes, all we got was our picture taken together. My biggest play was during the championship game. My class was losing by a touchdown. For some reason the douchebag quarterback (redundancy) on the other team decided to pass the ball instead of running out the clock. Fuckface (trust me on this one, he was an awful human being and both of his best friends are dead now which is completely irrelevant but I want you to know there is at least some sick justice in the world) threw a long spiral through the air. Guess who was standing there to catch it because he was too slow to catch up with the rest of the team? Me! I ran it back half way down the field and on the next play my team tied the game which led to two more games until finally we sealed the deal. Considering I was 5’7 200 pounds and could actually move fast while my classmates were on average 5’5 120 pounds it was no surprise I was so incredibly dominant.

Naturally when high school came along it was clear I should play football. The thing about high school football though is it’s nothing like 8th period intramural flag football. You have to wear equipment, know plays, and exercise. What??? I played football almost every day at recess in middle school and trust me on this, I was amazing. I would have made a perfect tight end in high school thanks to my size and ability to catch the ball and not have consideration for the physical wellness of others. It looked like in high school I would find my niche.

The football team had an “open invite” to any freshman interested in joining the freshman football team that summer. Only about 15 kids showed up and I was one of them. Our duty was basically to stand around on a July day and give the mean black kids water. Coaches made us run a little bit too which I have never been a fan of doing. One kid found a football and we had our own little game. Mr. Gatto, fattest coach with a lisp who is rumored to have a gigantic penis (The Gattoconda), came over and told us to stop playing football at football camp. We were only there to observe. This was the moment I started to really hate football and everything about it.

(From what I heard this was pretty much what he looked like showering)

Actual practices for the freshman team started in mid-August. Mid-August was my annual trip to the Poconos with my dad and sister so I missed the practices. This was not a big deal until I came back. I went to a practice and everyone already had a position, knew plays, and a kid named Byron who decided to go by Wesley (what the fuck?) had already quit. I felt incredibly far behind in every aspect. I didn’t even know they made footballs without “Nerf” written on them.

The first real practice I went to was terrible. Another freshman was in the same position as me, a black kid named Lenny. We were the only two kids on the team without uniforms. The coach didn’t make a big deal because I was built like a football player and he assumed Lenny could run really fast, he could. I spent this practice running and getting equipment while wondering in my head what I had gotten myself into.

I have and never will be a big football fan. It took playing Madden for me to even understand the sport. I do not like football because: 1) There are not enough games. Football has 16 regular season games a year, one game a week. Baseball, my favorite sport, has 162 regular season games and there’s a game almost every night. 2) It’s mean. 3) Doug Flutie killed my family. 4) It’s tough to come up with real reasons. People say baseball moves slowly but at least it isn’t mostly clock watching. Clock watching makes me think of being at my grandmother’s where the only thing to do is watch the clock and look at her old Johnny Carson tapes she has sitting around.

(If Doug Flutie had a huge gay following they’d have the perfect name)

It was clear my career as a high school football player was not going to happen. I started thinking up as many excuses in my head as to why I shouldn’t stick with it. My excuses were 1) I had asthma and asthmatics always die during football practice. 2) My parents were too busy and wouldn’t be able to pick me up or take me to practices. 3) I didn’t know any of the plays and we had a scrimmage in a week. 4) Doug Flutie killed my family. 5) That whole showering with the same kids who make fun of you for being fat doesn’t seem like fun. 6) High school sports are for dicks.

I slid a note under the coach’s office door explaining to him that I would not be able to commit to the team due to personal reasons. I thanked him for the opportunity and he probably had no clue who the note was from. It took me longer to write up a letter of resignation than time I spent on a football field. What would have happened if I stuck with it? I predict I would have been really good. I would have been incredibly dominant, possibly gotten a scholarship, and in college football I would have been a sought after 7th round pick (that’s the last draft round). In order to do that I would have had to get even fatter than I already was. I didn’t and I will probably not die at 42 from Lou Gehrig’s disease which I think you shouldn’t be allowed to get if you play football.

The moral of the story, I don’t like football and I would probably have a lot of traumatic memories if I stuck with it. Thank goodness the rest of my high school experience was so honky dory. Tomorrow, the time the science teachers gave me a massive wedgy.