I consider my hometown to be Hamilton Square, New Jersey. Sometimes I leave out the square because I don’t want people knowing I grew up in a place that lets it be known we’re all L7’s. It’s true though. The town Hamilton Square is full of squares, jive turkeys, and playa haters; you know, the worst kinds of people. Each time I’m back in my hometown I remember why I never wanted to live there any longer. The people are rude, egos are inflated, and there are too many damn people wandering about doing nothing. When the Taco Bell parking lot is the place the teens hang out at you know your town is shit.

DB100 Image data

(When you’ve got places like this to hangout at who needs to ever achieve anything in life?)

Hamilton Square is known for a few things. It’s the origin of Megan’s Law, home to the post office where the government faked the anthrax mailings (I also think the Home Depot across the street is where they filmed the Moon Landing), and that’s about all it’s known for. As much as I hate the town I have decided to list out a few reasons why Hamilton Square is a great place to live, grow up in, and die.

1) Jaded By Suicide

You can’t throw a beer can at anyone in Hamilton Square’s face who doesn’t know someone who has killed themselves. It’s always young white people too which seems a little silly. Depressed young white people are supposed to join cults not search Google on how to tie a noose. I don’t know an incredible amount of people who have killed themselves but I know enough where it almost seems like a rite of passage. If you don’t kill yourself you’re pretty much destined to live your life wishing you had. Having such an apathetic opinion on suicide means nothing really shocks me. It’s not so much why someone killed themselves as much as it is what of theirs I might be able to get cheap at a yard sale.

yard sale

(It’s always great one someone who owns a nice swivel chair kills themselves. Those things are way too over priced)

2) Easy to Find Drugs

One time I was walking down the street in Hamilton Square and bumped into a heroin needle. I’m kidding. Hamilton has no streets to casually walk down because it’s lame. Everyone in the entire county, Mercer, does drugs it seems. I’m sure it’s not much different in other parts of the country or anything. It just seems like this area was always known for having drugs because it was white people with money. Personally I’ve only ever seen someone do hard drugs once and it was in a Pennsylvania town called New Hope. Name a town after a Star Wars film subheading and this is what you get.

a new hope

(Instead of Jedis all New Hope has are wannabe artists who wear bowler hats. Why is this a cool place to hangout?)

3) You’ll Never Spend too Much Time at the Mall

The Hamilton area has one major mall called Quakerbridge. Yeah, Quakers need bridges too. I had always assumed they were swimmers. The Quakerbridge Mall is probably only better than another nearby mall in Princeton called Princeton Market Fair. At least Market Fair has a Barnes and Noble and a movie theater. Market Fair also has a ton of Chinese people so if you’re on a racial scavenger hunt that’s a good tip for you to knock out the Asian countries. I think the last time I went into the Quakerbridge Mall was when I took a girl there. She said “This mall blows” and she was right. Quakerbridge Mall would be better served as an Iraqi hospital. And by that I mean it deserves a missile to hit it.


(Somehow this would be an improvement on Quakerbridge Mall’s current infrastructure)

4) It’s Easy to Keep in Touch With People

Nobody lets you mind your own business here. You can’t even buy porn in this town without running into a big mean lesbian you knew from high school. The best part is now she’s a guy named Tony. The only thing I like about the accessibility of running into people from the past was when I saw a hot girl from high school jogging. Is there a mile per hour rating less than 0? That’s how fast I was driving as I slowly drove up on the curb beside her remember why 11th grade health class was tolerable.

17 again

(Oh to be 17 again. When girls would talk to me because I could give them answers to homework. Now they talk to me because pleading for their lives is what most people do when faced with a man holding a giant hatchet)

5) Everyone is in Great Shape

Or at least everyone goes to the gym and talks about it. I used to always think my hometown was nothing like Jersey Shore. The further I distance myself emotionally from the place I see it’s not all too different. We’re about an hour away from the beach which means we’re not as tan or as mind-blinded by the sun. If I ever become a scientist on accident my first hypothesis would be the more sun a person sees the dumber they are. There are so many gyms in and around Hamilton Square you’re an outsider if you don’t go to one. I’m not sure where the people who are actually in shape go because everyone I run into must have fake Gym IDs based on the way they look.

girl gym

(This is how all people in Hamilton think they look after a circuit training session at the YMCA or Robert Wood Johnson fitness; young, vibrant, and in shape. Truth is none of them look this under the age of consent laws. Really, this girl looks 14. No wonder she’s behaving like an idiot)

I could probably list more sarcastic reasons why every time I stop off in this town I feel the need to bathe with an electrical appliance. It’s not a dangerous place by any means unless you value being around fun and friendly people. In other towns I have lived in you can walk into a drug store and not have a slutty 17 year old girl loudly talk about how she can’t find her debit card. Every time I’m in Hamilton Square this happens.

What do you hate about your hometown? If you happened to read this and you are from Hamilton Square I’m so sorry.

  1. josefkul says:

    Hahaha… Loved this! Hamilton Square sounds a lot like Federal Way where I grew up, but douchier. I guess we do have higher rates of obesity than you guys do based upon the local Walmart I used to frequent.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! Nobody from our hometowns has ever written a song called “My Hometown.” That’s always a sign you’re in a bad place.

      I think Hamilton Square was too shallow to allow obese people in it. Way too often would I enter a room and try to figure out if I was the fattest person there or not. I usually was.

      • josefkul says:

        Based upon personal observation, your post, and the entire cast of Jersey Shore, I’m sensing a clear relationship between exceptional douchery and overall fitness level. As one goes up another will eventually follow. I’m going to base all future living decisions on CDC obesity rates. At the very least, neighbors will cook me a lot of really delicious food!

      • Mooselicker says:

        I never thought about it like that but you’re right. Muscles are nothing more than extra chromosomes.

  2. I want to be offended by your buying cheap office furniture from people who offed themselves, but I can’t, because it is funny and it makes sense.

  3. So basically what you’re saying here, is that Hamilton Square is very similar to a Currier and Ives painting, someplace Norman Rockwell would have felt very comfortable fitting in. Have I got it right?

  4. Seb says:

    Hmmm. I went to school just up the road and I can see not much has changed in 20 years!

  5. Lily says:

    Hamilton Square scares me. My hometown is peaceful. But its annoying because it’s full of rich high schoolers. That’s the worst part about it. I was once one of them. But now I’m not so I can hate it.
    I swear to God that’s a picture of my hometown Taco Bell though. Like, honestly.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It might be. I couldn’t find the Taco Bell from Hamilton. All the kids at the one in Hamilton park their fancy cars and talk about their slutty girlfriends there. Kids ruin everything.

  6. modeejae says:

    In my hometown the hang out spot of choice is the park across the street from the police station. Yeah, the kids aren’s so bright around here either

    • Mooselicker says:

      At least it’s a park. I bet those kids always say things like “Why are the cops always harassing me? Don’t they have anything better to do?” Dude, they work across the street from where yuo smoke pot. Of course they’re going to bug you.

  7. twindaddy says:

    My hometown is Detroit. I don’t think I need to list anything there…

  8. Smaktakula says:

    You’ve shattered my bucolic image of New Jersey.

  9. Addie says:

    What do I hate about my hometown? That my family has lived in the area since 1840 and I’m related to most of the people there, even though I pretend I’m not.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re like the movie The Descendants only I’m pretty sure you aren’t from Hawaii and have a lot of valuable land to your name. Don’t worry, I think I made it the most south of anyone in my blood-line and that was still only South Jersey. Do our relatives not realize planes exist?

      • Addie says:

        I only wish I were from Hawaii and had valuable land in my name!! As for relatives and planes, I think they fear them as ‘new fangled’ ways of travel!

  10. Luddy's Lens says:

    Hamilton Square youth are really missing out. My hometown had railroad tracks that we used to ditch school and walk along. Just like the movie “Stand By Me” except it was a graffiti-filled working class place with used condoms and a lot of broken glass scattered about.

    Way better than Taco Bell.

  11. My hometown is currently ranked as the 4th most dangerous city in the US. It’s a pretty neat place. But that doesn’t bother me as much as the rampant racism.

  12. Did Sinatra sing a song about Hamilton Square? The Swivel Chair would make a nifty chorus.

  13. robpixaday says:

    I was all set to mention things I’d seen driving through Hamilton Square when I realized that I’ve never been there. I was in Hamilton Township. Not the same. I spent about 12 years with a guy who was born not far from Gloucester City and he liked checking out flea markets on Saturdays for car parts. He was the same one who told me about the Jersey Devil, btw. Oh! I need to send you a note. It you get an email from someone with the word “writers” in the address don’t let your spam filter gobble it up. It’s probably me.
    I’ve never been to Hamilton Square but it’s possible I passed through it on the way somewhere else in Jersey. Sound like you might wish you could say the same thing.
    But think of it this way: when you’re known all over the world as a great autor and raconteur, Hamilton Square will be scrambling to claim you. And you can disavow any knowledge of the place. If you want.

    “If you don’t kill yourself you’re pretty much destined to live your life wishing you had.”
    Laughing and crying at this one. Too true, for nearly everywhere.

    “If I ever become a scientist on accident my first hypothesis would be the more sun a person sees the dumber they are.”

    I’d quote more but you already read this.

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