I consider my hometown to be Hamilton Square, New Jersey. Sometimes I leave out the square because I don’t want people knowing I grew up in a place that lets it be known we’re all L7’s. It’s true though. The town Hamilton Square is full of squares, jive turkeys, and playa haters; you know, the worst kinds of people. Each time I’m back in my hometown I remember why I never wanted to live there any longer. The people are rude, egos are inflated, and there are too many damn people wandering about doing nothing. When the Taco Bell parking lot is the place the teens hang out at you know your town is shit.
(When you’ve got places like this to hangout at who needs to ever achieve anything in life?)
Hamilton Square is known for a few things. It’s the origin of Megan’s Law, home to the post office where the government faked the anthrax mailings (I also think the Home Depot across the street is where they filmed the Moon Landing), and that’s about all it’s known for. As much as I hate the town I have decided to list out a few reasons why Hamilton Square is a great place to live, grow up in, and die.
1) Jaded By Suicide
You can’t throw a beer can at anyone in Hamilton Square’s face who doesn’t know someone who has killed themselves. It’s always young white people too which seems a little silly. Depressed young white people are supposed to join cults not search Google on how to tie a noose. I don’t know an incredible amount of people who have killed themselves but I know enough where it almost seems like a rite of passage. If you don’t kill yourself you’re pretty much destined to live your life wishing you had. Having such an apathetic opinion on suicide means nothing really shocks me. It’s not so much why someone killed themselves as much as it is what of theirs I might be able to get cheap at a yard sale.
(It’s always great one someone who owns a nice swivel chair kills themselves. Those things are way too over priced)
2) Easy to Find Drugs
One time I was walking down the street in Hamilton Square and bumped into a heroin needle. I’m kidding. Hamilton has no streets to casually walk down because it’s lame. Everyone in the entire county, Mercer, does drugs it seems. I’m sure it’s not much different in other parts of the country or anything. It just seems like this area was always known for having drugs because it was white people with money. Personally I’ve only ever seen someone do hard drugs once and it was in a Pennsylvania town called New Hope. Name a town after a Star Wars film subheading and this is what you get.
(Instead of Jedis all New Hope has are wannabe artists who wear bowler hats. Why is this a cool place to hangout?)
3) You’ll Never Spend too Much Time at the Mall
The Hamilton area has one major mall called Quakerbridge. Yeah, Quakers need bridges too. I had always assumed they were swimmers. The Quakerbridge Mall is probably only better than another nearby mall in Princeton called Princeton Market Fair. At least Market Fair has a Barnes and Noble and a movie theater. Market Fair also has a ton of Chinese people so if you’re on a racial scavenger hunt that’s a good tip for you to knock out the Asian countries. I think the last time I went into the Quakerbridge Mall was when I took a girl there. She said “This mall blows” and she was right. Quakerbridge Mall would be better served as an Iraqi hospital. And by that I mean it deserves a missile to hit it.
(Somehow this would be an improvement on Quakerbridge Mall’s current infrastructure)
4) It’s Easy to Keep in Touch With People
Nobody lets you mind your own business here. You can’t even buy porn in this town without running into a big mean lesbian you knew from high school. The best part is now she’s a guy named Tony. The only thing I like about the accessibility of running into people from the past was when I saw a hot girl from high school jogging. Is there a mile per hour rating less than 0? That’s how fast I was driving as I slowly drove up on the curb beside her remember why 11th grade health class was tolerable.
(Oh to be 17 again. When girls would talk to me because I could give them answers to homework. Now they talk to me because pleading for their lives is what most people do when faced with a man holding a giant hatchet)
5) Everyone is in Great Shape
Or at least everyone goes to the gym and talks about it. I used to always think my hometown was nothing like Jersey Shore. The further I distance myself emotionally from the place I see it’s not all too different. We’re about an hour away from the beach which means we’re not as tan or as mind-blinded by the sun. If I ever become a scientist on accident my first hypothesis would be the more sun a person sees the dumber they are. There are so many gyms in and around Hamilton Square you’re an outsider if you don’t go to one. I’m not sure where the people who are actually in shape go because everyone I run into must have fake Gym IDs based on the way they look.
(This is how all people in Hamilton think they look after a circuit training session at the YMCA or Robert Wood Johnson fitness; young, vibrant, and in shape. Truth is none of them look this under the age of consent laws. Really, this girl looks 14. No wonder she’s behaving like an idiot)
I could probably list more sarcastic reasons why every time I stop off in this town I feel the need to bathe with an electrical appliance. It’s not a dangerous place by any means unless you value being around fun and friendly people. In other towns I have lived in you can walk into a drug store and not have a slutty 17 year old girl loudly talk about how she can’t find her debit card. Every time I’m in Hamilton Square this happens.
What do you hate about your hometown? If you happened to read this and you are from Hamilton Square I’m so sorry.