Earlier this week was the Golden Globes. I don’t know much about the results because my Facebook and Twitter friends weren’t doing their jobs and reporting every little detail online. If recently Freshly Pressed Traitor Lily was correct, I simply have to read her well-done popular piece. It’s pretty amazing that Lily was Freshly Pressed considering she hates children, never eats her vegetables, and is a general Anarchist. She was born in America and she doesn’t even like baseball. Now she’s living in Canada and she doesn’t like hockey. Which is it Lily? Which country do you despise more? Putting my personal attacks aside I want to talk about award ceremonies in general. Not big televised ones though. I want to talk about the ones our friends put together. The ones with very little merit.

I’ve come to the consensus (I can come to consensuses on my own because I have a split personality disorder, unfortunately most things we vote on are ties) that I will never win a contest. I’ve entered lots. I’ve put hard work into them too. But I lack the winning gene. I’m a tad bitter about this until I woke up this morning and realized what a sham these contests are.


(The only award ceremony that matters)

When a group of people or a community put together a contest, whether the winners are voted on or a group of elders choose the winner, it’s nothing more than a popularity jerk-each-other-off game. I’ll be specific because why not? There’s a comedy group I follow online. About two months ago they announced the nominees for all the different categories; best comedian, best bit, best sketch show, etc. I’m familiar enough with the community this contest was for and the thing is most of the nominees were already people who were, get this, really good friends with the people who run the site. Yeah, it’s like little league baseball all over again where the coach always picks his son for the all-star team.

I’m not saying a lot of people on the list I looked at didn’t deserve it. In fact, they probably did. But there was one person in particular who bugs the shit out of me from this list. He’s always publicized as a popular and successful comedian. I never actually saw him perform live until about a year and a half ago when he was the opening act on a professional show. He was…how do you say…boring. He was a hipster comedian. I was bored to death and only laughed because it was awkward and sometimes that’s the only thing to laugh about, how much everyone seems to hate the guy they’re watching. Perhaps he was having a bad night, but I have a feeling this was the usual him. Call it a hunch or call it I pretty much could tell from his big beard and fake stage name he’s a douche.

Saudi-born alleged terror mastermind Osama bin Lad

(“Have you ever noticed how airline food tastes like fear whenever I’m around?”)

Contests like these are very common in different communities. It’s nothing more than a way for the people in charge of the contest to let people they like win or gain some exposure. Fair enough. What annoys me is the falseness. People who decide to run these contests more often than not are looking for something in return from the nominees. In the comic book world you would never find out that Batman or Superman are running a contest for best superhero stuff. It would be someone like The Flash or Jewman who would do such a thing because they would want Batman to give them something in return later on. People who create contests like this are looking for nothing more than to help themselves.

As much as I hate these contests, I still love to them. Whenever it’s a community I’m familiar with I always get excited when I actually know and like someone on the list. They usually don’t win because I like losers (everyone reading this, I love you) so maybe this is where my bitterness comes from as far as awards are concerned. I simply think the people who end up nominated in these things suck. If someone in a small community is talented enough then they don’t need their ego stroked any more.

  1. Lily says:

    This was an amazing piece mostly because I was mentioned a lot. I knew the moment one of us was Freshly Pressed it would ruin our nice friendship. At least you’re taking it well. If roles were reversed I would probably stop talking to you. Hahah Freshly Pressed Traitor Lily.

    But in all seriousness, I hate contests because I never win. I like contests that have a lot of different awards or an award specifically made up for each person. Like in fourth grade I got Most Organized. It’s stupid, but at least I achieved something.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer.

      Way too many awards are given out these days. I would have loved to win most organized. In fourth grade I can only imagine winning really nasty awards from my classmates like “Tubbiest” or “Least Recognizable Because We Don’t Like Him.” Awards are fun if they’re honest, otherwise they just seem like someone kissing some else’s ass.

  2. A gripping life says:

    Haha! I knew Lily would like this post, not that she doesn’t like your other ones, but this had something different… Oh yeah, you mentioned her a lot! I used to like award shows when I was young and now I can barely stomach them. It’s all about publicity and money. It’s like get over yourselves, would ya? Isn’t the money they get paid enough?

    Great post, Tim. 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lisa! I know a good way to get Lily to pay attention is to mention her name as much as possible.

      I couldn’t tell you the last award ceremony I had interest in. I even skipped one in high school where I won like 3 things. In college I went then left after I got my award. Rita’s was closing soon. I had to get out of dodge.

  3. Brother Jon says:

    Great work here. Yeah, how bout that Traitor Lily? I almost decided to unfollow her twitter account, but I forgot and she’s pretty funny anyway…so whatever.

    I’m not sure how I feel about contest. They usually make me feel sorry for Rhode Island, that’s for sure. I like seeing people win things..so there’s that. I have won a few things in my life (2011 Jaycee of the Year in the house) I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t bother me that much. The greatest winner I ever saw was Martin Scorsese for The Departed…well overdue.

    • Mooselicker says:

      See, I don’t get bothered by meaningful awards. It’s more when it’s put together in a cluster when I get annoyed. Like if I randomly decided to give out awards and called them “The Best of WordPress” I’d almost feel like I’m not qualified because I don’t really know everyone on WordPress. I’d also feel guilty giving myself the award 🙂

      Congrats on your win. Did you get a crown?

      • Brother Jon says:

        Yes….along with a scepter and cape. I guess you didn’t see the news….I am now the King of Missouri.

        Yeah, I see what you mean. It’s like they have some people to promote, but instead of promoting they make up some awards things instead.

  4. josefkul says:

    I was once awarded a ticket by a police officer who was impressed with how fast I was traveling. The award was worth almost two hundred dollars.

  5. Addie says:

    “Have you ever noticed how airline food tastes like fear whenever I’m around?” What a GREAT line!! It’s matched by the other lines in a really well done post. Hurrah, Tim!!

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