At some point in the beginning of January Janice at Your Daily Dose said she was going to forego making New Year’s Resolution and instead making monthly resolutions. Jumping at the chance to succeed and rub this success in her face, I agreed to participate. This time, jumping too fast into choosing my resolution, I decided my monthly resolution would be to make a new friend. There was some debate in my head as to what I should make my resolution and this seemed like the best one for the entire world and the least selfish because hey, being friends with me is a gift in itself, right?

Since I couldn’t do this all on my own I enlisted the help of a friend I had not seen in over 3 years. He was a stand-up comedian friend of mine who I had kept in touch with over the years. We’d fill each other in on how our lives were going. Usually it went “Are you happy?” “No. How about you?” “No.” And then we remembered why we became friends in the first place.


(Pretty much us)

We agreed to meet up one night at the place we used to go drinking at after shows or during shows when we were supposed to be outside bugging people in Times Square to buy tickets to see a subpar comedy show. This was a place we had a lot of memories at. One time he ordered quesadillas and they never came after an hour even though the waitress kept saying they were almost ready. This was the same place where a group of 10 drunk guys asked me which waitress I would rather sleep with and in a very philosophical way I broke down how I would sleep with the bustier one but I would marry the thinner more friendly one. They seemed amazed that someone could think so logically about life.

On my way to the bar/restaurant I had hoped to maybe make a friend. I had purposefully given myself some bed head without using any gel so I looked pretty cool. There was a girl on the train with a goofy hat who I think wanted me to talk to her because she sat down near me. If not for the giant red pimple on her chin and the possibility of her being 17 I would have.

When I actually got into New York I had thought maybe I could make a friend walking through Times Square. I had never actually made a friend this way before but I have had great conversations there with strangers. I was at around 47th street when a cute girl leaned in to me.

“Can I ride your face?” she said. Well, no. That’s what I heard. I asked her to repeat it. She tried again and said, “Do you know where the H&M is?” I pondered about it. I had no clue but I’ve learned in New York City you want to pretend like you know your way around. I tried getting more information out of her like if she knew anything it was near. She had no idea. I gave her half-assed directions and she thanked me. I apologized because I hadn’t been to New York in quite some time. Neither had she. I asked where she was from. She was from Edison, New Jersey the town I lived in the first year of my life. We began to talk more and she knew the street I lived on and her dad was actually from the town I live in now. It was weird. It was magical. It was destiny.


(Could it be? Had I made a friend for life?)

“Okay well thanks then. Have a good night.” she said before we even got started on our life together. She was with an even more awkward friend. They continued on in search of their store and I didn’t look back. It wasn’t meant to be. Plus she blinked too much.

I arrived at the bar/restaurant and found my friend outside. I snuck up and smacked him in the head. He told me I 1) looked taller 2) had a less girly/teenager voice 3) seemed more mature. The first thing I did was smack him in the head. How immature did I used to be?


(How I used to be. I’m the pirate in the middle)

We went inside and hopped upstairs where things were less frantic. We sat down and immediately began to check out the room and any potential female suitors. There wasn’t much so we caught up on old times. We whined to each other about other comedians we hate and how unfunny so many of them are. I swear we’d be banned from ever telling a joke ever again if some people heard the honest things we were saying.

Our food arrived, we ate, and I tried figuring out which waitress I should try to befriend. There was the heavyset one who was taller than me. Okay, no way. She could beat me up. Then there was the blonde one who had been doing most of the work for us. She was cute and friendly but had something wrong with her face. Not on my friend’s list missy! Finally there was a small brunette who pretended I didn’t exist except for when my friend got up to use the bathroom. She approached me and said “Hey I didn’t want to do this in front of your friend but can I ride your face?” Actually that’s what I heard. What she really said was “Are you guys doing alright?” So maybe I could look into this deeper and she was offering to sit on my face. I’m not sure. I don’t understand many social cues.

Not long after we left. My buddy was nice enough to walk me 20 blocks down only to find out the station was closed. I walked to two more stations to try finding the train home before finally finding one that was open. I even tried to have a conversation with other people having the same trouble. I said “I think the one on 22nd street is open!” They didn’t say a word. Why am I social cancer?


(This bunny has more shyness than I do and I bet he even would have gotten a response)

I got into the train and on the second stop a girl sat down next to me. There were plenty more open seats (like my face for instance) but she chose to sit to my right. I gave her the creepy man’s test which is to smack my knee into her every so often to see if it scared her off. It didn’t! Had I made a friend? Or had she not really even been thinking about it because the only reason she was sitting next to me was so she could stare at the studly Australian guy sitting across the train car? I’ll never know because what could I have ever said to her, “Hey, I’m going to smack my knee into yours and see if it bothers you”?

Only two days later I no longer felt the immediate need to make a new friend. Making new friends would be nice and I’m still on the lookout, but why do I need to force it? It will happen when it happens. I have other things I’m trying to accomplish right now. Plus, who likes the hero in a story to succeed in the first act? Nobody. Time for round two.

  1. Addie says:

    I declare the find a friend a success. You engaged in conversation and whacked some woman in the knee repeatedly without being slapped. See? Success!!

  2. Lily says:

    Are you trying to make new friends or a new girlfriend? That’s so weird that you banged your knee against hers. If someone did that to me and it didn’t seem accidental, I would give them a death stare. I guess I have a bit of NYC blood in me after all!

    But yeah making friends at random is hard. I made two at the gym, but I’m a pro at looking sad all the time so they probably just wanted to be nice. And they were both girls.

    • Mooselicker says:

      New friends but how do you even make a guy friend? I feel like I need to play a sport.

      I didn’t bang my knee very hard. I think I did it way too many times though. A seat opened up and she didn’t move. Maybe I’ll run into her again but this time she’ll have a police officer with her.

  3. robpixaday says:

    LOL @ the knee-smacking, esp. I’m trying soooooo hard not to imagine what she was thinking.

    Haaaha!!!! for all of this one.

    But do you know what your criteria for friendship are? Guys ought to be able to carry furniture when somebody needs to move. Girls ought to be able to listen to you whine when that’s the last thing they want to do. Both sexes need to be less of a pain than your relatives. Minimum.
    Well, that’s my list. Yours may vary. But if you don’t know ahead of time what you’re looking for you can end up with a posse of impatient weaklings who all sound like your snarky cousin Danny.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Leave Danny out of this!

      You’re right though, it’s hard to determine what even makes someone a friend. So many friendships of mine never officially ended and now they’re just people I used to be friends with. It’s like we never filed the proper papers to end our friendship. We hold no ill-will but we just don’t talk anymore. I think I just want a dumb sidekick to follow me around. Not a dog though. I hate cleaning up poop.

  4. modeejae says:

    So you could totally come to the west coast and we could be friends. We don’t have subways but we have some pretty gnarly public transportation.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do you mean surf boards? I went out to the west coast a few months ago for the first time. Considering I was woken up today at 6 in the morning from the sounds of a dumpster lid slamming up and down, I think you guys are doing it right. Let’s be friends!

  5. josefkul says:

    Have you tried kneeing a woman at a Thai boxing gymnasium yet? I think that may be the one and only location where this technique would ever prove effective. Let me know how it works from the hospital.

  6. Cafe says:

    LMAO. Omg, you’re hilarious. Well, hey at least an entertaining post came out this NMR attempt and hopefully a somewhat interesting night for you lol

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ll have another for next month I’m sure. I’m determined. I may actually go out of my way to try hanging out with someone else and see how it works out. I’m really trying to build up a nice storyline here. Did you meet your goal? Or was it just the cooking baking?

      • Cafe says:

        lol cool, take your time :p

        I did meet my goal 🙂 found a new workout i really like. i think next month’s goal will involve cooking/baking though…mmmmm

  7. Linda Vernon says:

    Gosh I enjoyed this story immensely. Not the part about you not being able to make a new friend but the way in which your not being able to make a new friend was told. I read it and I really had FUN while I was reading it. It was like reading a rollar coaster ride — ok it wasn’t quite that much fun I guess, but it was fun. It was as fun as riding a ferris while eating a huge amount of cotton candy and being a couple of pounds underweight so the eating of said cotton candy is not only fun it’s necessary and then there’s that great view to take into account while you go around at just the right speed. Well that’s how much I liked your story! 😀

  8. I don’t say this often, but that bunny is cute…!
    Yeah, making friends, it’s a hard thing. May I suggest some tips?
    -Pick someone in obvious need for something. I mean, someone who’s almost being robbed or something.
    -Search for a ‘shared’ enemy. I you’ve got the same enemy, it will be a bond!
    -Internet. Ever.

    Hope these are any useful ;).

  9. I was at Lynyrd Skynyrd’s last big concert with some friends. A girl came up and leaned over my buddy. We all thought he was about to get lucky until she puked on him.
    Love the stick prison add.

  10. Have you considered kidnapping people and/or bribing them? That’s worked for me. Seriously, though, it really is hard to make new friends as an adult. If you don’t work with cool people, and/or if you don’t play a sport or have some other sort of group that you regularly belong to, it really is tough. Sometimes you hit it lucky by striking up a friendship with someone you met completely at random, but that’s not usually the case.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The problem with kidnapping is there’s so much duct tape over their mouths. I don’t know about you but I like the small chat.

      So you’re saying it’s all downhill from here? Unless I finally do start playing a sport or get a cool job. Damn. This life thing is tough. I’m glad I was always warned.

  11. robpixaday says:

    Thank you for posting the link to the download, Tim. I just tried it. HAHAH!! It’s going to be great. I never read the instructions on these things so it’s all just a lot of wild clicking and dragging for while, but I’ll make it work. Here’s the first one:

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hahaha I love it! It’s a lot of fun. The GIFs only take a few seconds. I really want to make a million of them and get paid a thousand dollars for each I make.

      • robpixaday says:


        Maybe you can teach them sign language, turn those gestures into $$$.
        Hmmm…that’s an idea…

  12. Pete Howorth says:

    “which is to smack my knee into her every so often to see if it scared her off.” LOL! I thought I was the only one that did this. That or lean on someone slightly to see if they move their arm away… Anything for human contact these days.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Lmao I’m glad I’m not alone. I always do things like that. Sometimes I’m real subtle. I was at a bar once sitting next to a hot chick with “giant assets.” I made sure to sit real close. When she got up to use the bathroom she rubbed against me. Fast forward a week and uhhhh choose your own adventure. She didn’t even care when I told her I did it on purpose. Girls are so lovely.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        The only good thing about crowded bars and clubs is the accidental rubs. I don’t even go out to socialize anymore. I’m gonna end up being a flasher, I just know it.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You become a flasher then get caught. A month later while you’ve been detained I’m going to copycat you then you can plead your innocence.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        Yes! Then I can sue them for wrongly locking me up and that is how I become a millionaire. It’s like I’ve just seen the future.

  13. […] Mooselicker January’s NMR: Make a new friend and actually hang out with them. Goal achieved!: Well, almost, but Tim gets points in my book for trying! 🙂 You can read all about Tim’s adventures in his search for a new buddy: […]

  14. Pen says:

    I have a friend very similar to yours. All we do when we get together is bitch about our lives. But it’s what makes us such good friends. Unless she thinks her life sucks way worse than mine. Then I make sure to correct the bitch.

    Meeting people sucks as an adult.
    I would say go with the method I used when I was a kid, but I found out pretty quickly that playing a sandbox at a park with grade-school children only looks bad.
    Fortunately, because I have a vajayjay, the cops bought my story about being a part-time nanny but I forgot that I didn’t have to watch my charge that day and then just got distracted by the sand. It helps to get teary eyed.
    Dunno if that would work for a guy though. If the teacher-student relationships on the news are anything to go by, apparently you can only get away with it if you have an amazing rack.

    So my advice to you is to acquire an amazing rack. Friends will follow.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Some good advice here. Will a spice rack do? Friends love oregano right?

      I think the problem when you’re an adult is you have to do and go so many places you don’t want to that you try to get it over with as quick as you can. When you’re a youngin’ you’re forced to go to school and stuff where you have to make friends to survive. I only talk to one person from high school so I guess that says something about how much I really liked everyone.

      Do kids still play in sandboxes? You’d think they’d be outlawed because someone might be allergic to it. Kids are such wimps.

      • Pen says:

        They still do in Ohio, but I’m sure in scary big cities with all the murdering and violence like NY they’ve been outlaw. Kid could throw that shit into each others’ eyes.

        Definitely go with a spice rack. Make sure to get Paprika. I’m not sure what exactly the purpose is of that spice, but I think it was a character in a TV show once, so it must be cool.

  15. You are such a creep rubbing knees with that girl purposely! Hahaha, you really won’t have to do that when you ride in a jeepney : our main public transpo here in the Phil. It can get so crowded inside there’s literally zero space between passengers. This one time, a creep was seated next to me and wherever I turn my head he always just follows it with his creepy eyes, with a creepy smile and his creepy beard. And I could feel his creepy legs beside me all the time! Brrr…did I tell you he was a creepy guy? Ugh, that’s the worst jeepney ride I could remember.

    I never really made a friend before in random places or whenever I try to force it. Maybe that’s the point? You shouldn’t force friendship? I guess it doesn’t hurt when you do your best to be a nice person though like what you did there giving directions. Erm…just minus the knee rubbing.

    • Mooselicker says:

      This is like you’re saying I’m not good looking enough to get away with knee rubbing. It was very subtle. If she was bothered she would have probably gotten up. It’s like Donnie Darko, she sat next to me because I was the cutest boy there.

      You’re right about friendships. Really anything. Force it and it’s not as true.

  16. I enjoy what you guys tend to be up too. This type of clever work and reporting!
    Keep up the very good works guys I’ve you guys to my personal blogroll.

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