“He said he’s been playing Call of Duty and drinking with this girl and she’s slept over three times but he hasn’t had sex with her because ‘he doesn’t know if she’s in the mood’ so he wants to know how to tell when she’s in the mood haha”

This was a text message that was sent to me. It’s like many other text messages only this text message is mine. The circumstances surrounding the text though are what I want to tell you about. At first this may seem like any average text. I assure you, it’s the most pathetic thing I have ever read and I’ve read your blogs. Joking. No I’m not. Some of you I’m not.

Like most stories this one starts off with a girl dating a boy. There are other stories like a gross one where a boy dates a boy or really hot stories were a girl dates a girl. It’s a double standard. The boy and the girl date for about a year. At first it’s fine and then the boy starts dressing in women’s clothing and cries all the time. The boy is also incredibly unfunny, stupid, and looks like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. I just wanted to make it clear here that this boy isn’t me.


(See, Donkey Lips looks nothing like me. I never wear solid colored shirts either. When you wear a solid colored shirt it’s easier for people to notice everything that’s wrong with your body. Just a little tip)

The girl eventually breaks up with the boy. More than three years go by and every so often the boy will text the girl and say things like “We should smoke a blunt together” or “Your dad invited me over last night and we smoked or a blunt together” or “I’m a big fat cross-dresser.” The girl humors him by responding even though she knows she shouldn’t. All she’s doing is giving him hope that one day they will get back together even though that would be impossible, she respects herself now.

lady gaga

(Vinny Hutchinson better known by his stage name “Lady Gaga” is a successful cross-dresser and even he has trouble getting respect sometimes)

A day comes along when the girl receives a text message from the boy. He says he needs some advice, the same advice and situation mentioned at the beginning of this piece about how he’s invited a girl over to play video games with him and he’s not sure how to have sex with her. More than three years after their relationship has ended, they haven’t maintained a friendship at all, and he has no one to turn to other than her to ask about how to get a girl into bed. Pathetic? I think so.

My own personal advice to this guy is the following, don’t ask ex-girlfriends who hate your guts for advice on anything other than noose tying. Why would she ever want you to get laid? You’re her ex-boyfriend whom she never wants to talk to again. Ask, I don’t know, a male friend for some advice on this topic?

If you really want to know when she’s in the mood you’ll know it when she asks to do something other than play a video game that involves shooting other human beings. She’s using you for alcohol and you’re only in her life because you exist and something better has not come around yet. She has slept over because you were both probably too drunk to get her home and she values her life more than she values sleeping with you. When will she be in the mood? Hopefully never. You give her minimal entertainment and you will forever roll over and give her whatever booze she wants. She has gotten from you what she wanted. Why do something so disgusting as to let you take your girl panties off in front of her?


(I know girls like playing some video games but not first person shooters. This girl probably has a horse face or is a burn victim. Maybe even a big erection in the front of her panties)

Oddly enough, I have never met the guy in this story yet the venom is clear anyway. I don’t like guys who are such wimps. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or advice. Just be a little smarter and not ask someone who told me you like dressing up as a woman for this help.

  1. Linda Vernon says:

    This is so satisfyingly funny! I think your next book needs to be a relationship book! (with Satan giving all the advice!)

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha I did write something like that already. It’s more about every failed relationship, bad date, horrible thing women have done to me. I’m going to attempt to get that one to a real publisher though.

      • Linda Vernon says:

        Well, I think your writing is definitely real publisher material! I think you should go for it!

      • Mooselicker says:

        Thanks Linda! That means a lot. If only I had an idea how.

      • Linda Vernon says:

        Well, I’m not sure how as I have never done it, but I was reading that you need to get an agent first. And then when you find one that likes your work, they will take you on as a client and try to get your book published. But I was thinking that your writing would fit in with the books I look at that are for sale at Urban Outfitters while I’m waiting for my kids to shop. If you have one near you, you should take a look at what they are selling (quite frankly your writing is waaay better than the one’s they are offering but it would appeal to the same audience) But you might start there. Go in and get the names of the publisher and sometimes in the dedications they’ll name their agent and then start by sending your book to them. It certainly can’t hurt.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Hmmm that seems like something I should try. Thanks for the recommendation. Now all I have to do is leave my apartment. Easier said than done.

      • Linda Vernon says:

        Oh that’s too bad you have trouble leaving your apartment. Hope it’s not like a What About Bob thing.

  2. Addie says:

    Tim. TimTimTimTim. What a great brain you have! I’d never think of stuff like this, so, I’m really glad you do else I’d never know about these things.

  3. Yes, asking an ex for advice on how to get another girl into bed seems like a bad idea. I like playing video games, but not first person shooters, no. Well, maybe sometimes. If I’m really pissed off. Then again, I can just kill off characters in the Sims.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve never seen a female play a first person shooter for more than 5 minutes. I find them boring too.

      What’s your favorite way to kill someone off in The Sims? I was always a fan of making them go for a swim then removing the ladder in the pool.

      • That is classic. Setting them on fire is amusing too. The one in flames hops up and down and the others stand and point or run in circles in a panic. Just like real life!

      • Mooselicker says:

        How do you purposefully set them on fire? The first family I ever played as had two parents and a kid. One was cooking and a fire started. The parents died and the kid had to live on his own. In reality it could be fun, you know, no bed time. In Sim World it was just depressing.

      • Get a Sim with no cooking skills and have him cook something. Only a matter of time. Didn’t the social worker come and take the kid?

      • Mooselicker says:

        Maybe. This was the first version of The Sims and it was an already created family. The Goth Family I think was their name. I just remember freaking out. It was the first week I had even owned a computer.

      • I play the Sims 2, though it’s been a while. My little virtual families are just sitting around waiting.

  4. Pete Howorth says:

    I just stick a finger in, you’ll pretty much know where she stands soon after.

  5. modeejae says:

    Thanks for the helpful advice. And the tip about solid colors. Fashion advice too? Who knew? 🙂
    Asking an ex how to get laid is never a good idea. Ever. Got it!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know a lot more about fashion than people give me credit for, especially when it comes to hating your own body image.

      It always depends on the relationship you have with your ex of course too. This guy is incredibly dumb though which I think I made pretty clear.

      • modeejae says:

        Ok, I’ll give you that it depends on the relationship. I may be in the market for a fashion advisor with that kind of experience. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to start accepting resumes 🙂

  6. Lily says:

    Why would anyone ask their ex for advice on that subject? It’s so weird. Text messages are just the lowest form of communication. It’s not hard to figure out when girls are in the mood. I mean, come on.

    All of the pictures on this post are so porny.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Because people are stupid. That’s usually the answer to most everything. I really want to dedicate an entire blog to people my friends have dated who I’ve never even met. They’re all so terrible.

      The worst thing about the pictures is they get less and less sexy. All hail Donkey Lips.

  7. atlasivy says:

    haha I am so confused.

    First of all, I know a lot of chicks that play first person shooters.

    Is this a true story? Because you say you don’t know the guy but he sent you a text message? Was this just like a random text?

    Maybe I’m just really fucked up and couldn’t follow this story.

  8. josefkul says:

    Which is better for meeting women, Call Of Duty or World Of Warcraft. I’m partial to the Mists Of Pandaria myself. I hear women really love pandas.

  9. This cracked me up… but I think you should do a whole blog with nothing but hot girls in the underwear playing first person shooter games.

  10. tinkadele says:

    I worry for humanity when I hear of such occurrences. Cringe-worthy. ps. for real though, is Donkey Lips a relation?

  11. robpixaday says:

    I love reading your posts! I learn something each time. THIS time I had to look up “first person shooters” because my immediate assumption was that it meant j*rking off, and that definition — while intriguing — didn’t fit too well in context.

    Also, I’ve been thinking about getting a phone that does texts bec mine doesn’t. You’ve made up my mind for me. 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hahahahahaha from now on, I’m calling it first person shooter.

      So wait, will you get texting? I think you should. It’s a lot easier to talk to someone throughout the day without really having to have a deep conversation. Then again, I text like 2 people ever and I don’t leave the apartment much which means I could just email/Facebook with them anyway. It’s worth a shot though, no?

  12. robpixaday says:

    If I ever have enough money to get a phone that does more than phone calls I’ll get texting, too. Trouble is, no one I know (in RL) texts or anything like that. I’ve got “FaceTime” on my computer and have never used it bec I don’t know anyone to use it with.

    Maybe by the time I have the money for a new phone — my old phone is 16 years old — I will have people to text with. Maybe. I hope.


  13. Rohan 7 Things says:

    Haha wow, sounds like just another excuse to text the ex. Surely if you want to know if someone’s in the mood asking would be the quickest and most efficient method. I learned a lot from living in Germany, when people want to get it on they simply ask, it’s a real time and money saver!

    Thanks for sharing 🙂


  14. […] is kind of like the Dr. Ruth section. Remember when I did that post Pathetic Text Messages? Something like the question the fat idiot in that asked would be acceptable or maybe you can be […]

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