Today I am going to make two bold declarations. I have no basis other than simple observations I have made. I’m probably completely wrong but so what? If these two things ever do come out I can brag that I was one of the first to openly blog about it. Imagine the hits this blog will get. People will swear I’m some fortune-teller who knows all. I’m not. In fact I can’t find my computer charger. Let’s type this as quickly as I can before this baby dies. There were probably better things to say than baby dies. Sorry to all the dead babies out there for offending you.
Bold Declaration #1
Barack Obama is an Atheist
(He looks incredibly uncomfortable in this church attire. I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but it looks like a mix between a hazmat suite and an over-sized state trooper uniform. Notice how he’s waving with his left hand. Certainly the mark of the beast)
I’ve said this before and I’m going to finally actually put it in a blog post. This guy comes off completely like a man who doesn’t believe in God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is an Atheist too and he was a great politician. As “The Body” said while being interviewed by Opie and Anthony several years ago “I could never become president because I’m out as an Atheist.” This is very true. Enough people would not vote an Atheist into office.
There are many reasons why an open Atheist will not become president any time soon. The first is that religion is such an important factor in so many voters’ lives. They don’t want to vote someone into office who completely poo-poos their Sundays. The other big reason is because Atheists tend to talk about nothing other than being Atheists. It can get a little annoying at times. Atheists can be like girls and everything. Girls love talking about themselves to an annoying degree. Atheists like to talk about how smart they are for not believing anything. Simply put, Atheists can be really annoying.
What makes me think Obama is an Atheist is the way he behaves whenever religion is brought up. He doesn’t seem genuine when he says the word “God.” He seems to be a man who cares more about the here and now rather than the afterlife. Most of all I think he’s an Atheist because I think it would be a fantastic twist on the whole “Obama is a Muslim” saga. If he’s an Atheist then everybody is wrong except for me which would be great to be national news for once.
Bold Declaration #2
Quentin Tarantino is gay
(I honestly can’t imagine him saying anything here other than “Ahoy there sailors!” with a heavy lisp. He’s also standing between two balls)
I actually have some facts to back this one up. Not really, but sort of. In the same way the singer from Judas Priest had to wait a while to come out, Tarantino has to cover up his lust for man-ass. Tarantino’s target audience tends to be younger males who tend to be the most homophobic. That’s not to say your grandpa isn’t but he’s also too deaf to enjoy movies anymore so let’s leave him out.
Tarantino has been romantically linked to several film stars and now at 49 is still unmarried. My uncle is a bit older and unmarried. He’s only ever been romantically linked to teenage girls. This doesn’t necessarily make Tarantino gay, he might just have a smelly balls that he’s embarrassed to share. Tarantino simply cannot come out as gay quite yet because it will hurt his popularity no matter how accepting most of his fans would be. The guy resurrected (or should I say erected) John Travolta’s career. John Travolta of course being the owner of the largest closet in the world to hide in.
My biggest reason though for making this bold declaration is I met someone who looks like and behaves similarly to him. This kid is flaming. You could toast a marshmallow or warm a homeless family off his lisp. The kid is also a huge film nerd and has the same square butt chin as Tarantino. This kid claims to be straight but he clearly isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and it’s fine if Tarantino stays in the closet forever, it’s his life. 20 years from now I just want you to be sitting in a prison watching a television where either of these two things come out as being true. I want you to think to yourself “Wow, Mooselicker was so smart” then go back to serving your 7 consecutive life sentences. Yes, I hope you end up in prison. Not that I hate you or anything. I just need some connections on the inside is all.
Make a bold declaration of your own. I’ll pretend to agree then laugh about how stupid you are because you’ll be in prison soon anyway.