There is one quick question you can ask anybody to find out why none of the relationships in their past have worked out. Say to them “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” Whatever they respond with is whatever they never got from a relationship. Although knowing this is important, I feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t let you know what the common answers to this question are. Maybe after reading this you can help to improve a relationship in your life. I really don’t care if you do. You’re pretty unlovable anyway.

Response 1: Someone to be there for me when things get tough

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want people to be there for them when times are tough? That’s when we need people most. What this tells me about someone is that they had a boyfriend who would rather play video games than visit them in the hospital. Fair enough for him. Have you seen video game graphics these days? They’re so realistic it’s almost like connecting with another human being in need. You should be there with people you care about through everything, tough or not. People who don’t do this are the same people who bandwagon onto sports teams only when they do well. In other words, they’re scumbags.

sammy sosa high heat baseball

(A shot from Sammy Sosa High Heat Baseball from 2001. Their slogan was “it’s so real!” Not even close)

Response 2: Someone who lets me be me

Fair enough. Who doesn’t want to be with someone who lets them be who they are? Nobody likes to be told they should behave a certain way. I know I don’t. Teachers in my school used to tell me to stop swearing and put away my genitals. That’s me. Why can’t you accept that? People who give this response were probably in a relationship where the other person made they do a lot of things they didn’t like doing. I’m not even talking about sexual stuff either. I think with sexual stuff if they’re not willing to at least try something you’re not a match anyway. Is there really anything that weird about letting the dog watch? You should always be free to be who you are. If someone doesn’t let you then kick them to the curb or make them bite it then stomp on their head.


(One man letting another man know he shouldn’t have to be anything else but who he is. If it wasn’t for the Swastika tattoo this would be more triumphant)

Response 3: Someone who is honest

Fair enough. Who wants to surround themselves with liars? Most of us won’t admit we hate the truth though. I know sometimes I like to hear a lie. I like to be told I’m the best. I know I’m not the best. Not until Dolph Lundgren passes away can I ever be the best at anything. People who say they want honesty in a relationship usually come from a relationship with a lot of lies. Can you really blame someone for lying in a relationship though? People screw up a lot and the only way to cover up these mistakes is to lie. But hey, you’re welcome to live a lie and have it eat away at you forever.

dolph lundgren

(The one man stopping me from greatness. Seriously, he’s like my exact double)

Response 4: Someone who will go the extra mile

Fair enough. Who wouldn’t like someone willing to do more than it takes for the other person? This response comes from people who escaped a relationship where the other person had a “I’ll see you when it’s convenient for me” attitude. I don’t like this attitude for anything. When it’s convenient for you? Honestly the convenient time for me to be nice to anyone is never yet I still do it because that’s what we’re supposed to do as humans. An extra mile doesn’t sound like much but it can be a lot. This one is pretty easy to do and isn’t asking for much at all. If you care about someone enough that mile will only seem like a couple inches. I don’t know what the metric equivalent is so sorry for excluding about 90% of the world from that last sentence.


(Do they really expect me to read a picture? I’m not reading a picture)

Response 5: Someone with a sense of humor

Really? That’s all you want? Someone with a sense of humor? No really, you’re humoring me right now. As important as a sense of humor is in my life I would NEVER only associate with someone based on what they find funny. When people say they want a person with a sense of humor what they really mean is they want a person with a lot of other qualities and likes the same sitcoms they do. We all want someone we can laugh at other people with. Unfortunately though most people have a terrible sense of humor. I think I’ve laughed once this calendar year and it was at my own misfortunes.

guy with a

(No “guy with a sense of humor” on the list. Girls would rather find a guy with a gun, a six-pack, and a big head. Girls really just want Barry Bonds)

How would you answer the question “What is the most important thing you want in a relationship?” I can almost guarantee it’s something you have trouble finding from people in general let alone a relationship. I would say the most important thing to me in a relationship is…hmm I’ll leave this a mystery.

  1. joehoover says:

    An apt day to post these questions. I don’t expect much at all in relationships, to me they are more companionships, you still have your own life and identity just you sleep with someone every night and borrow money that you don’t have to pay back.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It was coming near in my blog cycle and I felt no better day than today.

      Good use of the word companionship. To me that means you almost want to combine yourselves a little bit more with certain things and you get so comfortable that you can do whatever you want. The key words in both companionship and comfortable are “co” which is also the abbreviation for the state Colorado. Colorado’s state motto is “Colorado is where people meet and have sex” so this is like some kind of a sign? I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

  2. Giving Barry Bonds a gun seems like a mistake -R

  3. robpixaday says:

    Esp love your “guy with a” search. Those search suggestions are nearly more fun than Reeses.
    Perfect Valentine’s Day post.

    No way I’d answer that question: I don’t want a relationship. People p*ss me off.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I needed women to know I’m onto their little game. They never look up pictures of guys telling jokes. They’re so shallow!

      So I guess your answer would be “someone who doesn’t piss me off” agreed!

  4. You have disected love for us… like a corpse on an autopsy table… ummmm… eeeewwww…. and HA!

  5. tinkadele says:

    I think you’ve missed your calling, relationship councillor. 😉

  6. Lily says:

    I think the most important thing in a relationship is love. I know that sounds obvious and stupid, but when you have real, true love, all of the things you listed above will fall into place. You’ll want to go the extra mile, be honest, and be there for that person because you love them so much. At least that’s how it was with me. I would make myself available for the person I loved, I would always be honest, I would tell them how I was feeling, try to get to know who they really were, and hopefully they would get to know me too.

    The only thing that doesn’t fall into place is sense of humor. I think you have to find that out before you have a relationship with them. But maybe they’ll seem funnier the more you start to like them? I don’t know.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You started this off so confident like you knew everything then ended it by saying you didn’t know. You lost your credibility. I guess the whole “sense of humor” thing though is more a trait you want from a person. Who doesn’t think their significant other is funny? That just seems silly to be with someone who can’t make you laugh.

  7. Pen says:

    My dog always gets to watch. It’s a deal-breaker if you try and put her in her kennel or lock her out of the room before sex. She’ll just howl and piss off the neighbors anyway. Then the cops will be called out and you’ll look like an idiot in that leather and latex holding a can of whipped cream while I cry in my silk robe about how you abused my dog.
    All because you won’t just let her perch on the edge of the bed and stare. It’s not like she wants to join in. She’s just making sure you aren’t doing anything that permanently maims me. Then she bites your dick off. Either tolerate the dog or I get a gun. Girl has to be careful with sexual relationships in this day and age.

    Also, Barry Bonds is the shit.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad someone agrees with me. There’s nothing wrong with letting the dog watch. It’s not like the dog is getting involved in the action. We’ll save that for special occasions like wanting to lose respect for ourselves completely.

  8. But you realize that all of these are code for “Someone with a lot of money and a big package.” Because that’s all we really care about.

  9. You forgot the basic need of feeling wanted. I think that is what everyone wants. Damn humans and that nasty flaw of ours.

  10. Cafe says:

    I agree, the things I want in a relationship are things I had trouble finding before. But now I have them so it’s all good 🙂

    And since you’re not specifying, I too shall remain mysterious hahaha =P

  11. Pete Howorth says:

    Yeah the whole sense of humour thing is just something girls say when they don’t want to seem shallow, when they say they want someone with a good sense of humour they also mean “while at the same time looking incredibly hot”. I don’t blame them though, because I don’t want a woman that looks as though she should be barking either. Ugly people suck ass.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s funny too because I’ve had girls tell me they didn’t think I was funny yet they were still sexually attracted to me and of course I’ve had girls tell me they did think I was funny and were sexually attracted. Then there were girls were thought I was funny and had no sexual attraction. Every combination has existed and there’s no pattern. Women are liars.

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