My childhood was filled with eating, crying, and going to playgrounds. I talk about food way too much on this blog and I’d say half of the posts I do involve me crying. For the sake of being different, I’m going to write about how cool playground equipment used to be.
This was a park with a slide near my dad’s work that was very bumpy. It had these weird spinning things that whenever you rode down it you’d need preparation afterwards. I’m pretty sure at least 1,000 girls tore their hymens riding down this. Other awesome dangerous things at this park were a random platform you could climb up. It was basically a lookout tower. I remember using this to climb up then throw those prickly things you always find at parks at my dad. He’d throw them at me too so don’t think I was a bad kid.
(It was like this only not as incredibly way too high. Seriously, that kid is never going to have children)
This was a local park across from my high school. It’s really big and the equipment used to be badass. There were three different pieces to it. One didn’t have anything all too dangerous. The only thing cool they had near it was a zipline like in Home Alone. Seriously, they would NEVER put a zipline anywhere in a public park these days without an adult present to help them. This always scared me and I never made it more than halfway across what looked to be 500 feet. Another piece of equipment was made all out of wood which meant I was always getting splinters. It had a slide that was incredibly high and made of steel which meant in the summer it could burn your flesh off. There were also these tunnels you could climb up in which I always thought was scary because if you fell no adult would be small enough to crawl to save you. Perhaps the most dangerous thing though was a balance beam held together with only one chain in the center. It wasn’t too high off the ground yet somehow I still managed to fear it every time my mom made me walk across.
(My mom was always mean when it came to playground equipment. I’m not sure why. I think she had a secret life as a playground equipment designer and didn’t want to see it going to waste)
That Park Near the Retarded Kid School:
This park didn’t last very long. It didn’t have much dangerous because it was the playground for a school of mentally handicapped children. They had better things than my school did and I was always tempted to stop studying so I could end up there. The most dangerous thing at this park wasn’t even a real piece of equipment. There was a random round tube always lying around, think water slide. My sister and I would climb inside and my dad would push it down the hill. The problem with this is there’s no way to stop the tube until you smash into something. How have I never had a concussion?
(Sir Isaac Newton thinks I belonged in that retarded kid school for ever thinking it was a good idea to go against his laws of motion)
This was the only park within walking distance to my home. It didn’t have anything too dangerous other than the broken glass all over the place. There was also a small sewage system nearby so the place smelt like shit. They eventually put in some nicer equipment but nobody seemed to notice because this was still the place where kids went to smoke pot. Now they had a new slide to do it underneath.
My Elementary School:
I’d have to mention my elementary school equipment simply because I broke my leg there. Of course I broke it on probably the safest equipment too, the monkey bars hanging 6 feet off the ground. There was also a dangerously high slide that was at the center of the equipment. I’m talking scary dangerous. A kid a grade lower than me actually got pushed off and they had to fly a helicopter in to rescue him. The kid who pushed him ended up becoming a gay Puerto Rican. I think he was always Puerto Rican or maybe you don’t become one until you nearly break a child’s neck.
(I know when you’re a Jet you’re a Jet for life. I’m not sure how the Sharks work though. There weren’t as many songs about them)
The name my family says it all. This park was so dangerous it was called such. Located at Long Beach Island at the Jersey Shore (that’s not why it was dangerous), this park had me crying on several occasions. First of all everything was made of wood which is never safe. Second, everything was incredibly high up. The main scary thing about this park however was a fireman’s pole that you’d have to inch off the edge of the jungle gym to even reach. If you could manage to do that you’d have to quickly wrap your arms and legs around it then pray the paint chipping off and flying into your mouth on the way down wasn’t too poisonous. The last time I went to dangerous park my mom called me a pussy for not going down the pole. There’s a little bit of irony in that sentence if you want to think of it dirty-like. I eventually did get the courage and I slid down the pool for the first time ever. It felt good and it was like I had beaten the Grim Reaper as his own game.
(This was my biggest fear, trying to slide down the pole and landing on my head. Wait, she’s doing this on purpose? It’s supposed to be sexy? No. I just feel dizzy now)
There were many more awesome parks that I’d go to with lots of cool things and dangerous equipment. If you were to go to parks today you’d think this stuff never existed. Everything is about safety and being colorful. When my parents were kids I bet they played in toxic waste dumps instead of on jungle gyms and rather than sliding down slides they’d go off with a strange for a car ride.
Do you remember any awesome playground equipment from your childhood? Do you also feel like going sledding after reading this like I do?