Recently I fell in love. The most romantic thing of all was it happened this past Valentine’s Day. I was instantly head over heels. From the moment I woke up until the second I fell asleep at night I had could only think about my love. I made sure to devote a lot of time to making things work. I would have given up anything to hear “yes” and instead I was rejected.
(This is how I felt. Of course in real life I’m less jive)
For future reference, if I ever refer to loving something and I don’t clearly state that it was a human being then it probably wasn’t. I didn’t really fall in love with anyone or anything as much as I got incredibly interested in submitting comedic pieces to the website College Humor. It’s true though that I put a lot of time and will continue to attempt writing for them. As part of my creative endeavors to diversify myself I am attempting to submit as much to them as possible until they get so annoyed with me they give me a job. This strategy works on women in movies so it must work on websites in real life because aren’t women really just a humor website when you really think about it?
From now on whenever I have something rejected from the site I will post it on this blog. Whenever I have something make it onto the site I will only post a link because it’s a big deal how many hits you get on your articles. So here’s the first thing I wrote for them that received a big fat rejection sticker. I think I have two that are going on the site because they disappeared from my submissions and I never got an email saying yes or no. Fingers crossed…
Quentin Tarantino is Trying to Turn Me Gay
Filmmaker Quentin Tarantino has a unique creative voice. His films tend to be ultraviolent and filled with a colorful cast of characters. Some Tarantino haters claim his films encourage violence. His movies have never made me want to kill anyone. However, they’re starting to turn me gay. The female characters in his films are so insanely more masculine than I could ever be no matter how much protein powder I consume. I’m starting to think I should just move to Vermont and find a twink to marry because I will never end up with a woman like the ones Tarantino showcases in his movies.
Beatrix Kiddo “The Bride” from Kill Bill:
(I always thought her name was Beatrice. Is Beatrix a real name? I never trust people with an X in their name)
Played by Uma Thuman, The Bride is everything I’m afraid of in a woman. She does not give up. She just keeps coming after you. Poor Bill made one mistake, trying to kill her on her wedding day, and she will not let it go. She knows Kung Fu, how to use a sword, and travels around the world without getting lost like most women would. I could never date a woman like The Bride. I want to cut off my own penis just thinking about it.
Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction:
(Confidence in a woman is sexy. Confidence in a woman also makes me shit my pants)
Again played by Uma Thuman, Mia Wallace is the wife of gangster Marcellus Wallace, a man I have no interest in ever pissing off. John Travolta’s character Vincent Vega feels the same way I would when he’s asked to take her out on a date. His only task is to laugh at her fucking jokes and pretend what she has to say is interesting. Still, her beauty and unique perspective on life is a Venus flytrap begging men to enter. Mia is entirely too careless with her drug usage too which would be annoying. One date with Vincent and she nearly overdoses. To me Marcellus Wallace does in fact look like a bitch because he puts up with Mia’s nonsense.
All of the women in Death Proof:
(Math pattern question, what color will the next woman’s skin be and what color shirt will she be wearing?)
The female characters in Tarantino’s grindhouse film Death Proof fall into two main categories. These women are either incredibly dumb and will do whatever a man fools them into doing or they won’t shut the fuck up. The ones who don’t shut the fuck up end up surviving which sends a bad message. The options are pretty limited in this film as far as teaching women how to behave goes. Then again, if you watch a Tarantino film on how you should behave then you’re doing a lot of things wrong in your life.
The fact no women appear in Reservoir Dogs:
(I think at this point in his career Tarantino was still too awkward to talk to girls)
Reservoir Dogs is a great film. When considering it’s an all-male cast I begin to wonder if we even need women. I know they’re important for procreation and pie baking so we cannot completely kill them off. The only key female in the entire film is the pregnant woman in the car who shoots Mr. Orange. If this tells me anything it’s that all women are already knocked up and they’re carrying guns. This is not the kind of girl I want or need in my life.
Samuel L. Jackson in everything he does:
(Look at that soft smile. It’s like he’s telling me not to worry, everything is going to be alright)
Tarantino has convinced me that sex with Samuel L. Jackson would be the best sex of my life. He’s a little wild, he always plays it cool, and his voice alone could probably make me climax. I’m not sure how down Mr. L. Jackson would be to ever sleep with me, but is there any harm in asking? The worst thing he could ever say is “No motherfucker! I ain’t no queer!” and that alone will be enough to satisfy my libido.