This past weekend I was completely out of commission due to flu like symptoms. I’m actually not sure if they were flu like. I was so incredibly out of it I couldn’t even bare to look up the symptoms. I felt achy, lightheaded, and was randomly breaking out in sweats despite not having roughs sex of any kind. Well, no rough sex I can remember. It is possibly I fell out of bed and hit my head on something and now I’m suffering from amnesia after incredibly passionate rough sex with many famous and beautiful women. I’m going to go with that. Any fool can catch the flu. It takes a special man to embarrass himself during sex.

Chris-Farley

(Chris Farley died during sex. Ooo that’s got to put egg on his face)

I noticed myself feeling a little more lightheaded than usual all week long. I thought this was possibly manic depression, suicidal thoughts, or the everlasting desire to kill all of humanity. Apparently I was wrong and it was a virus or whatever the flu is.

I woke up early Friday morning at 3AM or so sweating and having to pee. I piss a lot and it’s rare I can go the whole night without having to get up at least once. This isn’t a sign I’m getting older as much as it should prove I like to keep hydrated. Why I feel the need to prove to you that I’m constantly drinking water is a mystery. I am though. And I’ll tell you, drinking lots of water has done wonders for nothing in my life.

drinking_water-10-command

(I drink so much water and I look nothing like this! Those water advertisements are lies)

I tried to get through the first half of Friday by taking it easy at first. I don’t have a busy schedule or anything. I mean, I had a lot of plans scheduled for that evening and all but my imaginary friends understood. They wanted me to get better because they’re imaginary and why wouldn’t I imagine up people who care about me?

On Friday I decided I would take it easy for the rest of the day because my head couldn’t take much moving around anyway. I lied in bed watching Catfish and a few other shows you can get for free online. Did you know you can get every episode of South Park online for free at their website? Why would you buy the DVD ever? Anyway, Saturday wasn’t much different except I watched more stuff on YouTube. I didn’t watch bad cat videos. I watched Penn & Teller Fool Us as well as Penn & Teller Tell A Lie. These are two shows I got really excited to start watching because I figure there would be two seasons and more to come. Both were cancelled after the first season. So I was stuck with trying to find Disney movies to watch for free on YouTube.

(I don’t necessarily expect you to watch this. I hate seeing lots of paragraphs smashed together and couldn’t find a good picture)

Sunday came around and I was insisting to myself I’d slowly ease myself back into my daily routine of trying to write as much as possible so one day when I do meet Spielberg’s daughter and we get married I have such an armory of creative talent that my new father-in-law will pretty much help me out and I can retire early and die young and at peace. Wow, what a long sentence.

As I type this it’s Sunday night and I’m still not feeling so hot. Or should I say cold? I’m not sure. My mind is still fuzzy and my head literally will go from really hot to really cold which probably means I’m dying. It’s rare I get sick for more than a day let alone something that makes it painful for me to walk down stairs. And when I say walk down stairs I don’t want you thinking I’m some fancy man who lives in a multiple story home. My apartment is on the third floor so understand the struggle it was to carry everything I own up there.

The only observation I have to make about this whole ordeal is about those medicine packets that come with daytime and nighttime pills. I bought a pack of these and there were six servings of each. Logically shouldn’t there be a proportional amount? It should be a 2:1 ratio really if you are expected to sleep 8 hours. So there should have been eight daytime and four nighttime pills in this package. Maybe the people who put this stuff together never get sick and don’t understand how this makes no sense.

st josephs

(St. Joseph’s does it right. Maybe this is why he was granted Sainthood?)

Oh and one more observation. I watched the new season of Beavis and Butthead that came out back in 2011 and they actually seemed really intelligent when talking about Jersey Shore which was probably intentional but I found hilarious. I heard bad things about the new version. Remember, they were always very hit and miss with jokes on the show. I laughed out loud a few times which I don’t do at many non-live jokes. Just wanted to throw that in there.

Oh and one more thing. For about 48 hours over this weekend I only communicated with one person and didn’t even make my aliveness known to anyone in any way. I didn’t post a single thing online or leave any hints that I had not been abducted. I’m curious if I hadn’t talked to the one person I had if it would have been a shorter amount of time between someone asking me if I was alive or not. I know that’s a mean-spirited thing but I really didn’t intend on making anyone think I died until sometime late Saturday night when I had been sick for two full days already and clearly the only cure was some sadism. But based on this information I believe my body would not rot for more than 5 days tops which is satisfying because that’s a business week. Sorry, the sadism is still here.

What helps you when you’re sick?

Comments
  1. Pen says:

    St. Joseph’s makes a special hypertension formula??? I should keep that in mind next time I’m sick. Not that I really go out of my way to take medication that “won’t affect my high blood pressure”. I take ephedrine when I’m super sick and have to work because it turns me into Wonder Woman. According to doctors, taking ephedrine with super high blood pressure WILL kill me. But I must be Wonder Woman because it hasn’t yet.

    Anyway, I like popsicles when I’m sick. But that’s because all the illnesses I get tend to come with some sort of sore throat or throat discomfort. I also watch a lot of dumb shit on the internet or TV like you. I don’t really go for the soup thing that seems to be popular. I’m not a huge fan of trying to balance a bowl of liquid in bed, where I tend to spend my time when sick. Soup does not seem like a safe bed-food.

    I hope you’re feeling better!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve been craving something nice and cold the last few days. I’m usually fine without eating frozen treats but damn I want them. I don’t go crazy for soup either. Won’t hot soup just make a person sweat more? Yesterday was the first day I didn’t spend almost the entire day in bed. It’s rather depressing but seeing everyone else on Facebook is sick now brings me some joy that my germs are at least getting out and about.

      Thanks for the well wishes!

      • Pen says:

        Hahahahaha. I thought I was the only person who thought that when I see friends bitching about being sick on Facebook. Glad I’m not the only sadist.

        Yeah, that’s the other reason I don’t really do soup. It’s hot and I’m all icky hot. I recommend the natural fruit juice popsicles. They actually have that Vitamin C that’ll be nice and not too much crappy sugar. I found peach ones when I had pneumonia. Those were nice.

  2. Nothing helps when I’m sick, so I just go around being a really meany to everyone.

  3. josefkul says:

    When I’m sick I turn into a giant baby and whine a whole bunch. My wife loves it, but then women really love babies.

  4. The Waiting says:

    I was wondering where you were. I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well. My momness is kicking in so if you need me to send you some cookies or chicken soup, let me know.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve had absolutely no motivation to do anything at all. It was one of those sicknesses where the only thing that helps you fall asleep is imagining lighting things on fire. You get those too right?

      I’m not sure how well cookies or chicken soup would help as I think I’d start sweating more. Ice cream would be good. I’ve been craving it for days 🙂

  5. Cafe says:

    lol you’re too funny … I was also sick (again) all of last week and still am now, and was like you streaming TV shows online. Became obsessed with Elementary and Chicago Fire. I hope you feel better soon, Tim!

    • Mooselicker says:

      So maybe you got me sick? I won’t blame you. The worst part is I feel like I’m wasting my time by not doing anything else. Oh well, can’t force something that isn’t going to happen I guess.

      The only thing I know about Chicago Fire is Karim Said from Oz is in it. No clue what his character’s name is on Chicago Fire.

      • Cafe says:

        Haha, maybe I’ve been spreading it with my superhuman strength…don’t feel bad, definitely gotta rest first so you can get better to do other things, that is what i accepted 🙂 …not sure who Karim Said is in the show. maybe the Chief firefighter.

  6. Lily says:

    That sucks that you were sick. I thought you were dead for a while and then decided to ask where you were. I thought Chris Farley died of a heart attack, not from having sex. Or was it a sex heart attack?

    Also, did you think of Penn and Teller because of my Kenan and Kel piece or was that just a coincidence? BTW don’t you hate when people say cowinkydink? I literally hate that so much.

    • Lily says:

      Ps. Yes, I knew that about South Park and that’s how I watched seasons 1-12 I think!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think he died from a heart attack during sex. It’s just more fun to say he died from sex. Like that old Urban Legend about how Molly Shannon had sex with a guy and killed him.

      I actually started watching Penn and Teller’s videos Saturday so if anything you’re the one cowinkydinky me. And yes, I hate when people use that word.

  7. Katie says:

    When I’m sick I like to milk it for all it’s worth, because it’s so rare that a virus eludes my army of white blood cells. The way I complain and carry on you’d think I’m on my deathbed just from a sniffle. Though I will say one time I felt a cold coming on, and I started taking that Airborne stuff, which is like 200% vitamin C, and I was drinking liter upon liter of it, and it actually made me sick to stomach because I overdosed on vitamin C. So now you can say you know someone who didn’t overdose on heroin, oh no, she overdosed on vitamin fucking c.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do you have someone who is there to tend to your every need? If I had a slave or significant other I would surely take full advantage. Unfortunately it’s only me so I have to actually try to get better as fast as I can.

      I think overdosing on Vitamin C is still pretty badass and rockstar like. Maybe not quite the way they should go but it’s still too much of a good thing.

      • Katie says:

        Well, I suppose, but I usually just use sickness as an excuse to fall off the grid and avoid the people that care about me and want to spend time with me. They’re swell, but sometimes I just need to catch up on Pretty Little Liars without people bugging me to “hang out.”

        It was a weird thing… I had to go to rehab, and it’s still kind of hard being around oranges, but I’m all good now.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You brave soul. Functioning in this world with your addiction to oranges? Do you get flashbacks every time that little bubble pops up on WordPress saying you have a new reply or whatnot? I guess commenting here will make that orange square light up. I’m part of the problem now. My apologies.

      • Katie says:

        I think I just fell of the wagon… We had some grapefruit in the fridge…

  8. tinkadele says:

    Awww sympathy hugs. Glad you’re alive ‘n’ kicking (just about). Sounds like you had the recovery action plan down… dose up on drugs and watch loads of junk TV! Catfish is a go-to for when I’m sick and all of those chat shows with people with multiple issues like an under-aged pregnant transexual with a gambling addiction, just to make me feel better about myself at a time when I usually wouldn’t.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks. I think the last thing anyone wants is to watch something educational while they’re dying from sickness. I tried to watch a few alien documentaries but couldn’t make it through a few minutes. I’ll stick with real people doing obnoxious things to each other.

  9. I think Mollie has the same thing. She is laying on the floor behind me.

  10. Disney Shows? Alley Cats Strike? When I have a split in bowling, I think back to this movie and copy the style and technique. It always works, sick or not.

  11. SingingTuna says:

    Awww, geez. Sick? Glad you’re OK.
    Is it safe to hug you yet?
    ((((hugs))))
    If not, just send those back; I’ll put them to good use.

    But honestly, I haven’t been here either for a few days so I didn’t know you weren’t around. I’m still not here, so I still don’t know. When I find out I’ll feel bad for you.
    🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks! I’m still not feeling all the way better and it’s been over a week. The worst thing is I still feel like my head is clogged and I can’t seem to open it up. I don’t feel the desire to do anything. That’s the worst part of this all.

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