Archive for February, 2013

Today I am going to make two bold declarations. I have no basis other than simple observations I have made. I’m probably completely wrong but so what? If these two things ever do come out I can brag that I was one of the first to openly blog about it. Imagine the hits this blog will get. People will swear I’m some fortune-teller who knows all. I’m not. In fact I can’t find my computer charger. Let’s type this as quickly as I can before this baby dies. There were probably better things to say than baby dies. Sorry to all the dead babies out there for offending you.

Bold Declaration #1

Barack Obama is an Atheist

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(He looks incredibly uncomfortable in this church attire. I’m not sure what it’s called exactly but it looks like a mix between a hazmat suite and an over-sized state trooper uniform. Notice how he’s waving with his left hand. Certainly the mark of the beast)

I’ve said this before and I’m going to finally actually put it in a blog post. This guy comes off completely like a man who doesn’t believe in God. There’s nothing wrong with that. Jesse “The Body” Ventura is an Atheist too and he was a great politician. As “The Body” said while being interviewed by Opie and Anthony several years ago “I could never become president because I’m out as an Atheist.” This is very true. Enough people would not vote an Atheist into office.

There are many reasons why an open Atheist will not become president any time soon. The first is that religion is such an important factor in so many voters’ lives. They don’t want to vote someone into office who completely poo-poos their Sundays. The other big reason is because Atheists tend to talk about nothing other than being Atheists. It can get a little annoying at times. Atheists can be like girls and everything. Girls love talking about themselves to an annoying degree. Atheists like to talk about how smart they are for not believing anything. Simply put, Atheists can be really annoying.

What makes me think Obama is an Atheist is the way he behaves whenever religion is brought up. He doesn’t seem genuine when he says the word “God.” He seems to be a man who cares more about the here and now rather than the afterlife. Most of all I think he’s an Atheist because I think it would be a fantastic twist on the whole “Obama is a Muslim” saga. If he’s an Atheist then everybody is wrong except for me which would be great to be national news for once.

Bold Declaration #2

Quentin Tarantino is gay

quentin tarantino gay

(I honestly can’t imagine him saying anything here other than “Ahoy there sailors!” with a heavy lisp. He’s also standing between two balls)

I actually have some facts to back this one up. Not really, but sort of. In the same way the singer from Judas Priest had to wait a while to come out, Tarantino has to cover up his lust for man-ass. Tarantino’s target audience tends to be younger males who tend to be the most homophobic. That’s not to say your grandpa isn’t but he’s also too deaf to enjoy movies anymore so let’s leave him out.

Tarantino has been romantically linked to several film stars and now at 49 is still unmarried. My uncle is a bit older and unmarried. He’s only ever been romantically linked to teenage girls. This doesn’t necessarily make Tarantino gay, he might just have a smelly balls that he’s embarrassed to share. Tarantino simply cannot come out as gay quite yet because it will hurt his popularity no matter how accepting most of his fans would be. The guy resurrected (or should I say erected) John Travolta’s career. John Travolta of course being the owner of the largest closet in the world to hide in.

My biggest reason though for making this bold declaration is I met someone who looks like and behaves similarly to him. This kid is flaming. You could toast a marshmallow or warm a homeless family off his lisp. The kid is also a huge film nerd and has the same square butt chin as Tarantino. This kid claims to be straight but he clearly isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with being gay and it’s fine if Tarantino stays in the closet forever, it’s his life. 20 years from now I just want you to be sitting in a prison watching a television where either of these two things come out as being true. I want you to think to yourself “Wow, Mooselicker was so smart” then go back to serving your 7 consecutive life sentences. Yes, I hope you end up in prison. Not that I hate you or anything. I just need some connections on the inside is all.

Make a bold declaration of your own. I’ll pretend to agree then laugh about how stupid you are because you’ll be in prison soon anyway.

Audience participation is needed for this post. Please answer the below question to whatever extent you can.

What does it take to be a cool high school student?

Be as detailed as possible, as stereotypical too. Things like having the shiniest car, the coolest pencil-case, or girlfriend with the biggest breasts are all similar things I’m looking for. This will be very helpful to me so answer to your heart’s content.

Oh and if you haven’t already check out Yesterday’s Post. More people have snatched up free copies than I ever expected and a good majority are complete strangers. This let’s me know people care, are interested, and are incredibly cheap. Be sure to leave a review, unless you hate it. But if you hate it then it means you hate this blog because it’s pretty much the same style of storytelling.

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Okay so it’s that time of the week again where I share some fantabulous non-traditional blogging project I’ve been doing I promised myself I would put a lot of time and energy into. Luckily I’m a few weeks ahead and have the next month or so complete, for the most part. I guess I could always make a video of a cat doing something if I get lazy. People love that shit.

Anyway, this week I’m letting you all know about another book I wrote up that’s available for your reading leisure. It’s called Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. It’s about exactly what the title suggests. On February 2, 2006 I tried doing stand-up comedy for the first time. It didn’t go very well. I wrote about it in this book. Two weeks later I got booed off stage. Well, I was already leaving to be fair but it sounds more tragic to say the boos forced me off stage. I was 18 at the time and still in high school. I had people more than twice their age booing me and I didn’t kill myself. I wrote about it in this book! There are a few more stories. The time I was asked to never show my face in a club ever again as well as the time I had a room full of 200 high school students throw gum at me because I lied to them. I won’t tell you what I told them but it’s pretty funny and is a bucket list item.

There are more stories as well. They’re not my “sad depressing I want to kill myself because the audience is only 3 people and 1 is my dad” stories. They’re more about everything being my own fault and how I was nothing more than a silly young man with no clue what I was doing. They’re written very much in the vain as this blog; very detailed, honest, and self-deprecating. I don’t think some of my closest friends or family members know some of these stories so hey, learn a little bit about things I never told anyone because it was so embarrassingly cringe-worthy.

Right now it’s only up on Amazon because I’m attempting to see how their Amazon Exclusive Feature works. If you have a Kindle, no problem. If you don’t have a Kindle you will need to download there feature here.

The way Amazon Exclusive works is you can only make something free for 5 days every 90 days. Okay then…so if you have even remote interest and would like a free copy I’d recommend doing it now. I’ll put it up on other sites later on of course, but I wanted to give this a try. Of course you could always wait a few days and buy it for the incredibly low price of $1. Or even better, you can buy a million copies for free and give me a million dollars. It doesn’t matter. All I ask if you get a free copy is that you leave a review for me once you’re done because people actually buy things from Amazon. Or I think if you’re a Kindle Prime member you can borrow it and I’ll still get money. Yeah, if you’re one of those do that and we’ll find out. I don’t care. Just read it. I’m going to leave this free for 3 days so I can use the other 2 days later on.

What do I promise with this book? I promise you humorous tales of failure. If you hate me you’ll love this because like nothing good happens to me except for a gay person giving me a high-five. I insult myself throughout and you’ll get a better idea of what I was like when I was younger, a naive idiot who didn’t understand anything about relating to other human beings. I’m so glad I’m nothing like that anymore. That was a half-joke.

Thanks and I hope you read it, enjoy it, and you learn something about incredibly heartbreaking the lowest rungs of show business can be.

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“He said he’s been playing Call of Duty and drinking with this girl and she’s slept over three times but he hasn’t had sex with her because ‘he doesn’t know if she’s in the mood’ so he wants to know how to tell when she’s in the mood haha”

This was a text message that was sent to me. It’s like many other text messages only this text message is mine. The circumstances surrounding the text though are what I want to tell you about. At first this may seem like any average text. I assure you, it’s the most pathetic thing I have ever read and I’ve read your blogs. Joking. No I’m not. Some of you I’m not.

Like most stories this one starts off with a girl dating a boy. There are other stories like a gross one where a boy dates a boy or really hot stories were a girl dates a girl. It’s a double standard. The boy and the girl date for about a year. At first it’s fine and then the boy starts dressing in women’s clothing and cries all the time. The boy is also incredibly unfunny, stupid, and looks like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts. I just wanted to make it clear here that this boy isn’t me.

donkeylips

(See, Donkey Lips looks nothing like me. I never wear solid colored shirts either. When you wear a solid colored shirt it’s easier for people to notice everything that’s wrong with your body. Just a little tip)

The girl eventually breaks up with the boy. More than three years go by and every so often the boy will text the girl and say things like “We should smoke a blunt together” or “Your dad invited me over last night and we smoked or a blunt together” or “I’m a big fat cross-dresser.” The girl humors him by responding even though she knows she shouldn’t. All she’s doing is giving him hope that one day they will get back together even though that would be impossible, she respects herself now.

lady gaga

(Vinny Hutchinson better known by his stage name “Lady Gaga” is a successful cross-dresser and even he has trouble getting respect sometimes)

A day comes along when the girl receives a text message from the boy. He says he needs some advice, the same advice and situation mentioned at the beginning of this piece about how he’s invited a girl over to play video games with him and he’s not sure how to have sex with her. More than three years after their relationship has ended, they haven’t maintained a friendship at all, and he has no one to turn to other than her to ask about how to get a girl into bed. Pathetic? I think so.

My own personal advice to this guy is the following, don’t ask ex-girlfriends who hate your guts for advice on anything other than noose tying. Why would she ever want you to get laid? You’re her ex-boyfriend whom she never wants to talk to again. Ask, I don’t know, a male friend for some advice on this topic?

If you really want to know when she’s in the mood you’ll know it when she asks to do something other than play a video game that involves shooting other human beings. She’s using you for alcohol and you’re only in her life because you exist and something better has not come around yet. She has slept over because you were both probably too drunk to get her home and she values her life more than she values sleeping with you. When will she be in the mood? Hopefully never. You give her minimal entertainment and you will forever roll over and give her whatever booze she wants. She has gotten from you what she wanted. Why do something so disgusting as to let you take your girl panties off in front of her?

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(I know girls like playing some video games but not first person shooters. This girl probably has a horse face or is a burn victim. Maybe even a big erection in the front of her panties)

Oddly enough, I have never met the guy in this story yet the venom is clear anyway. I don’t like guys who are such wimps. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help or advice. Just be a little smarter and not ask someone who told me you like dressing up as a woman for this help.

Right now I’m at the craziest Super Bowl party imaginable. It’s so crazy we’re not watching the game and it’s just me at home eating an apple. Nuts, eh? For the sake of nothing and posting something here are two old things I wrote about football. Consider it Super Bowl foreplay.

Quarterbacks (all about why I’m better than Tim Tebow)

High School Football Experiences (all about how I avoided getting raped)

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To be flawed is to be human. That sounds like something an ancient Chinese person would say. So true and so brilliant. What I really want to know though is at what point did Chinese people stop speaking English? Confucius has all these wonderful sayings and none are in Chinese, at least none of the popular ones. Maybe it’s because typing something in Chinese would require a special keyboard. Every time I go to a website for a language translation my computer nearly gets a virus. What does this say about America? It says we don’t want our own people learning new languages or I need to stop watching German porn online to learn a new language. Maybe that’s my flaw. Maybe I need to finally buck up and buy Rosetta Stone rather than watch a woman get defecated on to learn the most romantic language in the world, German.

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(Brag all you want about being big in Germany Hasselhoff. Never forget though that their toilets are the girl next door)

Rather than point out my flaws then have you all lie and say things like “You’re not that stop. You’ve never eaten anything and died so you must have some common sense” or “I’ve seen much smaller ones. Sure, it was an infant and he had a birth defect but I assure you I felt something.” Today I have decided to pass along the knowledge I have gained in life from my flaws. Hopefully after reading this you too can implement these ideologies into your life and stop being such a fuck-up.

The thing about flaws is we all have them and they come in handfuls. I make mistakes all the time and I’m not very good at much. My biggest talent is falling out of a bad situation by accident. I’ve let my flaws get me down over the years and the scary thing is when you do this you might become obsessed with these flaws. People will think they’re not attractive enough to be loved and because of this they take fewer risks when it comes to romance or dating. But really, after the age of around 16 does anyone ever really tell you to your face how much you suck and how ugly you are? Sure people might think it but not everyone will. It goes beyond looks too. If you let a flaw absorb itself into your skin it may be harder to get out.

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(Don’t let your flaws turn into these green arrows or whatever this picture says!)

I’ve known other people to go through what I have and sadly they never listened to my advice as people tend to rarely do. This particular person I want to mention had a problem. They told me about this problem after a big hinting phase where I had assumed they were at one point raped or voted for both George Bushs. Or is it Bushes? I’m not sure. As it turned out, their problem wasn’t something that bugged me at all. What did bug me was how once I knew they had this problem it was brought up non-stop. Everything that was wrong in their life was because of this one problem that albeit was a problem, but not something so out of control it should be as evil to them as they let it be.

I told this person I had similar issues and not to worry. I would never judge. I was continuously told I didn’t understand and after a while I gave up on trying to help. This person let what could have been a miniscule issue devour them. We’re all smart enough to know nobody is perfect. It’s a shame we let ourselves be defined by a particular flaw.

What I have come to realize is that nobody likes me for anything other than me. Sure, some people may like a quality about me, but it doesn’t matter unless they like me for who I am completely as a whole which is pretty darn good if I do say so myself. It’s true about everyone though. I may think someone is funny but if they’re a lousy person and not fun to be around I won’t put up with it. Same as with a person’s flaws, I won’t not associate with someone just because they have something wrong with them. I think we’re all that way, at least I hope so.

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(Amy Schumer is the exception to this rule. I don’t care how funny I’m told she is. There’s just something about her face that really bugs me)

The best way I find to get over your flaws, hell to get over anything, is to make it known. Let people know you think you’re fat. Let people know you’re unusually tall and have red hair. If you have a learning disability, be open about it. Trying to hide a problem will cause you undue stress. Are people going to really laugh at you because you have something wrong with you? Remember, as much as you’re worrying about your own issues, everybody else is worrying about their own.