Archive for March, 2013

The following was originally sent to CollegeHumor, the funniest website in the world. They never swing and miss. This was never actually rejected by them. Instead they removed it from my submissions then never told me where it stood with them. So instead of using an original thought they collected creepy pictures of Easter Bunnies scaring children like everyone else does. I suppose college kids would enjoy that more than my simple list. When I finally do write-up my 25th Hour speech college kids are going to be near the top.

The Best Easter Egg Hiding Spots by Tim Boyle (left to rot in a mailbox by CollegeHumor)

Easter can be a tough holiday on some parents. Other than trying to convince their children about how the whole Jesus thing could even be possible, they have to find clever hiding places for Easter eggs to make the hunt all the more interesting. Here are some of the best places to hide Easter eggs. Surely they will provide a challenge for even the smartest (most Asian) of children.

1) In a cupboard too high for your child to look

2) Inside the Ark of the Covenant

ark of the covenant

3) Alongside Jimmy Hoffa’s body

4) Wherever Barack Obama’s promises went

5) The anus of a chicken

6) Anywhere on the lost continent of Atlantis

atlantis continent

7) In the vegetable drawer (kids hate vegetables)

8) Blockbuster

Blockbuster

9) On the Miami Marlins baseball squadron’s starting lineup

10) In a known child molester’s back pocket

11) In the DVD case for Battlefield Earth

12) Don’t hide any eggs at all and teach the child about never trusting anyone

13) With M. Night Shyamalan’s decision making skills

night_shyamalan_losthorizon

14) Anywhere on Oprah’s Channel that she rarely appears on which I hear is annoying, not that I watch it or anything

15) In a shark’s stomach

16) Outside, and when the child steps outside tell them to play rather than spend all their time on a computer and in front of a television so they don’t end up like me

17) Zooey Deschanel’s bangs

Zooey+Deschanel+Long+Hairstyles+Long+Straight+079LZaMCGFRl

18) In a dream within a dream within a dream (for Inception fans)

19) Among the massive pile of Live Strong bracelets at the city dump

20) Inside the garbage disposal

Where would you hide your Easter eggs this year?

Sasquatch, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, every tall overweight hipster trying to be ironic, Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, Pete Howorth, and a few other names are what the iconic missing link goes by. I’m not here to talk about him/them though. I’m going to post a few links from other blogs I think you should check out.

Kidz Showz Linkz

What’s been going on over at Kidz Showz?

1) I wrote a wonderful piece on the 2013 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards

2) Lily wrote up a wonderful piece on Pokemon

3) And we had our best guest post yet on Sid the Science Kid

We’re always open to letting others do guest posts, especially since I get lazier as the weather gets warmer and Lily actually goes out and does things.

Miami Carlins Fantasy Baseball Links

Most of what I write here would go over your heads since you don’t follow baseball. A few things I have written are actually purely humor and you don’t really need to know much about sports to appreciate them.

1) The Houston Astros baseball team this season might be one of the worst. I wrote something for CollegeHumor that they turned down because they hate me. It’s so funny my dad shared it on Facebook. He never does that.

2) One of my top players is apparently too fat for opening day. Read about my frustrations.

3) I also wrote a poem which no one will understand but it’s actually brilliant if you know anything about how the Miami Marlins were screwed over by their owner.

Other Stuff

1) Imagine how strange I felt when I went into my WordPress Reader and saw a gigantic picture of me on someone else’s blog. I was creeped out until I read further and saw it was a very genuine and honest review of my first attempt at writing something autobiographical. It’s nice to know people actually are pretending to have enjoyed it because I left a lot out like the good moments I had doing stand-up comedy or why I was such an uncomfortable person who felt the need to receive attention from strangers. Hopefully the next autobiographical thing I write answers a few of those questions. I also came up with a title for the book I asked for your help with so I have to start actually doing more with that now. But take my word for it. This one is more than twice as long as the stand-up book and it’s even more heartbreaking and funny. It’s one thing to get insulted by drunk strangers. I think it’s even funnier to get turned down and rejected by people you genuinely care about. At least funny when it happens to someone else.

2) It’s almost a month old, but during a series of posts he did, a certain blogger paid a tribute to me. And I don’t mean paid a tribute in some sacrificing another human being way. He just actually managed to write a few nice things about me for once.

3) For some reason I don’t think I ever posted this even though it’s been over a month. I think it was after the weekend where I didn’t do anything except lie in bed watching movies and TV shows. There’s a brief mention of me in there.

And after you check out any of the things I mentioned here you should go out check out the rest of their blogs. They’re all great and unique and different from one another.

Sasquatch Wild Man Of The Woods Elder Brother Bigfoot Yeti

Have you ever had someone tell you that a song reminded them of you? I think it only happened once for me. At least once that is worthy of writing about. I’m sure I remind lots of people about lots of songs. It’s amazing the things I will see or hear that remind me of other people. Every time I see a pork sandwich I think of this one girl I know who likes anal. Luckily I hardly ever see pork sandwiches. Even better, I hardly ever see Rachel “Backdoor” Rodriguez. She can no longer stand up straight anymore and it’s creepy.

The girl who told me I reminded her of two different songs was a lady who defined how much more wonderful MySpace was copmared to Facebook. Whenever I friend request random girls on Facebook they ask me who I am and I have to tell them I’m just a guy who thought she had nice breasts. Back on MySpace though, girls would actually add me to their friend’s list. I know I haven’t gone downhill from there because I’m thinner, sharper in the face, and a lot sassier than ever before. So why don’t wonderful things like this happen to me anymore?

sassy pants haley

(I was trying to find a picture of pants that said “sassy” on them but instead saw that Haley Joel Osmont has lost his dignity)

I forget how she found me but she did. She was the sister of one of my friend’s neighbor. So we were pretty much twins. I actually never ended up meeting her in person despite the fact we probably talked a lot online for close to two years. She didn’t live far away at all and we did have mutual associates. There was one factor that made me hesitant to ever actually hangout, I was almost 18 and she was in 8th grade.

Let’s pause for a moment before you start to think this is some sick pedophile story. Like I said, we never met. We never even talked dirty or anything like that. I’m being completely honest here too. The only time sex was even brought up was when I posted a MySpace bulletin (remember those?) asking if anyone wanted to blow me, you know, just to see what people’s opinions on the topic were. It was a school assignment. I got two messages. One was from a Goth girl in Massachusetts. The other was someone who would have gotten me locked up in prison.

sassy_pants_1072659_199768

(The Goth girl from Massachusetts pictured on the left)

My relationship with this girl was a very strange one. She would come to me for brotherly advice even though she had a brother only a year younger than me who could have done the same. I would help her out because she was a sweet girl and I guess we were actually friends. If anything she was the person who sexually harassed me. She posted “hey you’re hot” on my MySpace for everyone to see. Then her friend who ended up getting an abortion in 9th grade did the same thing. My girlfriend at the time saw and threatened to kill them both. The two younger girls were popular, attractive, and completely off-limits. This was some kind of sick joke. I was almost legally allowed to vote now and finally girls were noticing me years too late. I thought about cutting off my testicles. It made sense at the time.

Over time the girl started liking me more and more. She trusted me a whole bunch and would ask me to interpret songs for her because I was the smartest person she knew. What happened to me? I’m not the smartest person anyone knows. In exchange for interpreting lyrics, this young lady told me two songs that made her think about me.

The first song I reminded this girl of was “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day. I asked her why this song made her think of me. She had no clue. The second song I reminded her of was a song created when Satan farted onto a dead orphan, “Photograph” by Nickelback.

What. The. Fuck.

Here I was, being incredibly nice and helpful and she was saying I was the equivalent to not only a Nickelback song but to THE Nickelback song. The worst one they have. The one where they talk about a piece of shit on Joey’s head. I was hurt.

Slowly we drifted apart as she got into high school and became more popular while I graduated and became the nothing I am today. We stopped talking sometime around the end of my senior year when she said her brother found out who I was then reported back to her. We stopped talking after this. Our creepy friendship did not ended with a bang, but a whimper. And by whimper I mean I cried in my bedroom for days.

sassy pants smoothie

(Then I made a brown smoothie and I felt better)

I’m not sure what her brother said, but it was not favorable I’m sure. If you have been reading me for a while, which you better have been, you may remember a similar story. I guess this is what they mean about history repeating itself. You can read about the other story here  then come to the same determination I have, 8th grade girls are shallow bitches who lack the ability to relate the proper songs to my personality.

So if you never have heard them, here are the songs that apparently defined who I was when I was 17.

 

 

Is there a song that reminds you of me? Is there a song that other people say reminds you of them?

I remember writing up a piece a while ago that I never posted because it seemed like I was too nutty. I have since posted many insane things on this blog and no longer worry about what you think of me. That’s actually not true. I care a lot. Do you love me? Please tell me you love me. I want to be loved.

In this piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, I will list out what makes someone a garbage blogger. Actually, to be fair they’re more garbage human beings who happen to blog. I don’t want to put down anything someone writes about because that’s their choice. To be what I will now refer to as a Garbage Blogger you have to do a few things you wouldn’t normally do in life. Here they are. Hopefully you don’t do too many.

1) Liking every post you see on WordPress

Nobody could possibly have as much time to read these blog posts as some people click the Like button on blogs. That sentence was poorly written yet some asshole will still click Like on this post without calling me out on poorly written sentences. Do you know why? Because they didn’t read shit. Stop trying to promote your own blog through your avatar. Your face has a creepy mole on it and your smile sucks.

king john mole

(Please never post pictures online if you have a mole. I always think my computer screen needs to be cleaned)

2) Making it too obvious you didn’t read and pretending you read every word

It’s fine to scan through a blog post. If it was any good it would be in the Smithsonian right? I think most of us have those days where we want the gist of things then leaving a courteous comment. That’s fine. A garbage blogger is someone who continually says something generic. Their strategy with this is to hope other people see their stupid comment then other stupid bloggers click over to their place then click the Follow button. I know this is why they do it because I did it once. I immediately gave myself 100 lashes with a whip because I hated myself so much.

flagellation

(He’s wasting his flexibility. Teach yoga dude)

3) Being generally creepy

Please do not use blogs to pick up women. That is, unless they continually bother you by commenting on your blog and saying flirtatious things back. The only reason I do anything is because I hope to one day impregnate as many women as possible. This is called being a man. I can get away with it though because I understand who I should and can say dirty nasty things to. I also use a real picture of myself and I’m a real person with personality, not some anonymous idiot. Stop being creepy to women online. It lowers my chances at gorilla masking them.

gorilla mask

(Not exactly what I meant, but you can never find a good gorilla masking picture when you need one)

4) Rebloggers

The few times people have reblogged something I wrote it was awesome and flattering. About half the time it was people who genuinely enjoyed the post and wanted to share it with others. The other half it was some random foreign person whose entire blog was reblogs. What’s the point in this? It’s not some super kind Pay it Forward gesture. It’s stalking and thievery. Please don’t steal my stuff. I barely worked on it and you taking it will make people think I’m legitimate. I cannot handle the pressure.

payitforward

(He’s not trying to create kindness, he’s trying to build the world’s largest human centipede. We missed the point of the film!)

5) Non-repliers

I despise when I leave someone a comment on their blog and they do not respond back. Seriously, these people are terrorists. I would rather save a member of Al-Qaeda from a burning building than someone who doesn’t reply to my comments. Then again, if Al-Qaeda members are in a burning building they probably are the ones who lit it on fire. Is it too hard to reply to a comment on a blog? Christopher Reeve could have replied to a blog comment with some weird blinking device it’s so easy. Please always reply. You’re garbage if you don’t. Unless the person commenting is garbage. Then you’re a trashman.

Is there anything I missed? I know there must be. Five is a really short list. Imagine if Schindler’s list was this short. The Nazis would have probably not even noticed he was helping them escape to freedom or whatever happens in the movie. I don’t remember it much. My favorite scene is still the one with the fat secretary.

Everything is better live. Comedy, theater, eating, sex, and punching an enemy in the balls are all perfect examples. The hard part about live shows is deciding which one is right for you. Here in the piece, and it is a piece after all because it’s a work of art, I will quickly summarize a few popular live shows for you in as few words as possible.

Blue Man Group – Smurfs hitting objects with other objects while lasers shoot all over the place.

Stomp – Blue Man Group with black people dancing.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Christmas music being played loudly.

Penn & Teller – Tall man with ponytail yelling loudly while short man does not speak, card tricks included.

Carrot Top – Bullied Ginger takes common objects and makes them less funny.

Cirque de Soleil – Foreign people bending in weird positions acting as an aphrodisiac for old unflexible bystanders.

Criss Angel – Robert Smith from The Cure without a singing voice deciding to waste our time.

David Blaine – Vin Diesel with higher endurance and dumber ideas.

Every One Man Show – A former alcoholic talking about his childhood in a tough neighborhood.

Every Comedy Show – More than one former alcoholic talking about their childhoods in tough neighborhoods.

Wicked – Green lady wearing black clothes and being mean to midgets.

The Lion King – Creepy live version of what was a much better cartoon film.

The Book of Mormon – Two hours of gay jokes.

Jersey Boys – Italian guys nobody remembers singing.

Anything Burlesque Related – Women with self-esteem issues dancing for men with self-esteem issues.

Phantom of the Opera – Lessons about how ugly people can have kind hearts but still act really creepy and get the girl.

Do you have any to contribute to this list of cynicism?

band application form live music downtown san jose

(They couldn’t get a picture of an actual band? Just some 10 year old with a guitar? His pants aren’t even long enough. I bet they pay their performers in Diet Cokes)

 

“The best things in life are free.” – A rich person trying to fool someone without money into not following through with a revolution

Some of the best things in life are indeed free. Like today for instance. If you missed out the first time it as available for free on Amazon, for today only you can pick up a copy of Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. This is a short book I wrote about exactly what the title suggests. Blah blah blah most of you already know. I’m only writing this up for a Filipino person. They’re so far behind on the times it’s embarrassing.

If you already got it once I guess you could always get it again because then I will temporarily be a “Hot Seller” until things die down. Or you don’t have to. I guess I’ll also tell you about something else. Last month I put together a collection of some of my best blog posts. It ended up being over 60,000 words which is pretty gosh darn long. I put these blog posts together with the main purpose being to see if I could reach a new audience. I think it worked for a few people, but there’s one problem. Amazon is a pain about putting up things for free so if you would be so kind as to help me out with the following steps I would be willing to send you a sexy photo of me.

1) Go here

2) Click on the “Tell us about a lower price” button where the giant error is pointing at

awesome blog

3) Click on “Website”

4) Paste in any of the following URLs as well as the price as $0 or any other information that comes up:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-write-an-awesome-blog-tim-boyle/1114770628

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/290005

http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/How-to-Write-Awesome-Blog/book-BU5G02u0d0Sel26AsDJP8Q/page1.html?s=ZmTcR2sYGEWw8VBJ-1M4ZA&r=3

5) Then submit

Apparently this is the easiest way to make something permanently free, get enough people to complain they have found a free copy elsewhere. I don’t want to charge people for information they can find elsewhere. Plus on the time it’s been on Amazon not a single person has bought it so why charge some money anyway? If they were flying off the virtual shelves believe me, I would screw people over. It would also be helpful if you purchased the book from any of the free links under Step 4 then left a review. You don’t have to actually read the book considering you can find everything in it on my blog. Or if you want you can. It could be a quick way to catch up if you’re obsessed with me and new. Most of you have already read what’s in the book, although I rewrote everything a little bit and edited in some sarcastically helpful hints for anyone to create their own awesome blog, but I don’t expect anyone here to spend time on it. Did this make sense? I’m starting to think this was endless rambling.

hot new releases

 

(I was popular for a little bit)