Archive for March, 2013

The following was originally sent to CollegeHumor, the funniest website in the world. They never swing and miss. This was never actually rejected by them. Instead they removed it from my submissions then never told me where it stood with them. So instead of using an original thought they collected creepy pictures of Easter Bunnies scaring children like everyone else does. I suppose college kids would enjoy that more than my simple list. When I finally do write-up my 25th Hour speech college kids are going to be near the top.

The Best Easter Egg Hiding Spots by Tim Boyle (left to rot in a mailbox by CollegeHumor)

Easter can be a tough holiday on some parents. Other than trying to convince their children about how the whole Jesus thing could even be possible, they have to find clever hiding places for Easter eggs to make the hunt all the more interesting. Here are some of the best places to hide Easter eggs. Surely they will provide a challenge for even the smartest (most Asian) of children.

1) In a cupboard too high for your child to look

2) Inside the Ark of the Covenant

ark of the covenant

3) Alongside Jimmy Hoffa’s body

4) Wherever Barack Obama’s promises went

5) The anus of a chicken

6) Anywhere on the lost continent of Atlantis

atlantis continent

7) In the vegetable drawer (kids hate vegetables)

8) Blockbuster

Blockbuster

9) On the Miami Marlins baseball squadron’s starting lineup

10) In a known child molester’s back pocket

11) In the DVD case for Battlefield Earth

12) Don’t hide any eggs at all and teach the child about never trusting anyone

13) With M. Night Shyamalan’s decision making skills

night_shyamalan_losthorizon

14) Anywhere on Oprah’s Channel that she rarely appears on which I hear is annoying, not that I watch it or anything

15) In a shark’s stomach

16) Outside, and when the child steps outside tell them to play rather than spend all their time on a computer and in front of a television so they don’t end up like me

17) Zooey Deschanel’s bangs

Zooey+Deschanel+Long+Hairstyles+Long+Straight+079LZaMCGFRl

18) In a dream within a dream within a dream (for Inception fans)

19) Among the massive pile of Live Strong bracelets at the city dump

20) Inside the garbage disposal

Where would you hide your Easter eggs this year?

Sasquatch, Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Bigfoot, every tall overweight hipster trying to be ironic, Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth, Pete Howorth, and a few other names are what the iconic missing link goes by. I’m not here to talk about him/them though. I’m going to post a few links from other blogs I think you should check out.

Kidz Showz Linkz

What’s been going on over at Kidz Showz?

1) I wrote a wonderful piece on the 2013 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards

2) Lily wrote up a wonderful piece on Pokemon

3) And we had our best guest post yet on Sid the Science Kid

We’re always open to letting others do guest posts, especially since I get lazier as the weather gets warmer and Lily actually goes out and does things.

Miami Carlins Fantasy Baseball Links

Most of what I write here would go over your heads since you don’t follow baseball. A few things I have written are actually purely humor and you don’t really need to know much about sports to appreciate them.

1) The Houston Astros baseball team this season might be one of the worst. I wrote something for CollegeHumor that they turned down because they hate me. It’s so funny my dad shared it on Facebook. He never does that.

2) One of my top players is apparently too fat for opening day. Read about my frustrations.

3) I also wrote a poem which no one will understand but it’s actually brilliant if you know anything about how the Miami Marlins were screwed over by their owner.

Other Stuff

1) Imagine how strange I felt when I went into my WordPress Reader and saw a gigantic picture of me on someone else’s blog. I was creeped out until I read further and saw it was a very genuine and honest review of my first attempt at writing something autobiographical. It’s nice to know people actually are pretending to have enjoyed it because I left a lot out like the good moments I had doing stand-up comedy or why I was such an uncomfortable person who felt the need to receive attention from strangers. Hopefully the next autobiographical thing I write answers a few of those questions. I also came up with a title for the book I asked for your help with so I have to start actually doing more with that now. But take my word for it. This one is more than twice as long as the stand-up book and it’s even more heartbreaking and funny. It’s one thing to get insulted by drunk strangers. I think it’s even funnier to get turned down and rejected by people you genuinely care about. At least funny when it happens to someone else.

2) It’s almost a month old, but during a series of posts he did, a certain blogger paid a tribute to me. And I don’t mean paid a tribute in some sacrificing another human being way. He just actually managed to write a few nice things about me for once.

3) For some reason I don’t think I ever posted this even though it’s been over a month. I think it was after the weekend where I didn’t do anything except lie in bed watching movies and TV shows. There’s a brief mention of me in there.

And after you check out any of the things I mentioned here you should go out check out the rest of their blogs. They’re all great and unique and different from one another.

Sasquatch Wild Man Of The Woods Elder Brother Bigfoot Yeti

Have you ever had someone tell you that a song reminded them of you? I think it only happened once for me. At least once that is worthy of writing about. I’m sure I remind lots of people about lots of songs. It’s amazing the things I will see or hear that remind me of other people. Every time I see a pork sandwich I think of this one girl I know who likes anal. Luckily I hardly ever see pork sandwiches. Even better, I hardly ever see Rachel “Backdoor” Rodriguez. She can no longer stand up straight anymore and it’s creepy.

The girl who told me I reminded her of two different songs was a lady who defined how much more wonderful MySpace was copmared to Facebook. Whenever I friend request random girls on Facebook they ask me who I am and I have to tell them I’m just a guy who thought she had nice breasts. Back on MySpace though, girls would actually add me to their friend’s list. I know I haven’t gone downhill from there because I’m thinner, sharper in the face, and a lot sassier than ever before. So why don’t wonderful things like this happen to me anymore?

sassy pants haley

(I was trying to find a picture of pants that said “sassy” on them but instead saw that Haley Joel Osmont has lost his dignity)

I forget how she found me but she did. She was the sister of one of my friend’s neighbor. So we were pretty much twins. I actually never ended up meeting her in person despite the fact we probably talked a lot online for close to two years. She didn’t live far away at all and we did have mutual associates. There was one factor that made me hesitant to ever actually hangout, I was almost 18 and she was in 8th grade.

Let’s pause for a moment before you start to think this is some sick pedophile story. Like I said, we never met. We never even talked dirty or anything like that. I’m being completely honest here too. The only time sex was even brought up was when I posted a MySpace bulletin (remember those?) asking if anyone wanted to blow me, you know, just to see what people’s opinions on the topic were. It was a school assignment. I got two messages. One was from a Goth girl in Massachusetts. The other was someone who would have gotten me locked up in prison.

sassy_pants_1072659_199768

(The Goth girl from Massachusetts pictured on the left)

My relationship with this girl was a very strange one. She would come to me for brotherly advice even though she had a brother only a year younger than me who could have done the same. I would help her out because she was a sweet girl and I guess we were actually friends. If anything she was the person who sexually harassed me. She posted “hey you’re hot” on my MySpace for everyone to see. Then her friend who ended up getting an abortion in 9th grade did the same thing. My girlfriend at the time saw and threatened to kill them both. The two younger girls were popular, attractive, and completely off-limits. This was some kind of sick joke. I was almost legally allowed to vote now and finally girls were noticing me years too late. I thought about cutting off my testicles. It made sense at the time.

Over time the girl started liking me more and more. She trusted me a whole bunch and would ask me to interpret songs for her because I was the smartest person she knew. What happened to me? I’m not the smartest person anyone knows. In exchange for interpreting lyrics, this young lady told me two songs that made her think about me.

The first song I reminded this girl of was “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day. I asked her why this song made her think of me. She had no clue. The second song I reminded her of was a song created when Satan farted onto a dead orphan, “Photograph” by Nickelback.

What. The. Fuck.

Here I was, being incredibly nice and helpful and she was saying I was the equivalent to not only a Nickelback song but to THE Nickelback song. The worst one they have. The one where they talk about a piece of shit on Joey’s head. I was hurt.

Slowly we drifted apart as she got into high school and became more popular while I graduated and became the nothing I am today. We stopped talking sometime around the end of my senior year when she said her brother found out who I was then reported back to her. We stopped talking after this. Our creepy friendship did not ended with a bang, but a whimper. And by whimper I mean I cried in my bedroom for days.

sassy pants smoothie

(Then I made a brown smoothie and I felt better)

I’m not sure what her brother said, but it was not favorable I’m sure. If you have been reading me for a while, which you better have been, you may remember a similar story. I guess this is what they mean about history repeating itself. You can read about the other story here  then come to the same determination I have, 8th grade girls are shallow bitches who lack the ability to relate the proper songs to my personality.

So if you never have heard them, here are the songs that apparently defined who I was when I was 17.

 

 

Is there a song that reminds you of me? Is there a song that other people say reminds you of them?

I remember writing up a piece a while ago that I never posted because it seemed like I was too nutty. I have since posted many insane things on this blog and no longer worry about what you think of me. That’s actually not true. I care a lot. Do you love me? Please tell me you love me. I want to be loved.

In this piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, I will list out what makes someone a garbage blogger. Actually, to be fair they’re more garbage human beings who happen to blog. I don’t want to put down anything someone writes about because that’s their choice. To be what I will now refer to as a Garbage Blogger you have to do a few things you wouldn’t normally do in life. Here they are. Hopefully you don’t do too many.

1) Liking every post you see on WordPress

Nobody could possibly have as much time to read these blog posts as some people click the Like button on blogs. That sentence was poorly written yet some asshole will still click Like on this post without calling me out on poorly written sentences. Do you know why? Because they didn’t read shit. Stop trying to promote your own blog through your avatar. Your face has a creepy mole on it and your smile sucks.

king john mole

(Please never post pictures online if you have a mole. I always think my computer screen needs to be cleaned)

2) Making it too obvious you didn’t read and pretending you read every word

It’s fine to scan through a blog post. If it was any good it would be in the Smithsonian right? I think most of us have those days where we want the gist of things then leaving a courteous comment. That’s fine. A garbage blogger is someone who continually says something generic. Their strategy with this is to hope other people see their stupid comment then other stupid bloggers click over to their place then click the Follow button. I know this is why they do it because I did it once. I immediately gave myself 100 lashes with a whip because I hated myself so much.

flagellation

(He’s wasting his flexibility. Teach yoga dude)

3) Being generally creepy

Please do not use blogs to pick up women. That is, unless they continually bother you by commenting on your blog and saying flirtatious things back. The only reason I do anything is because I hope to one day impregnate as many women as possible. This is called being a man. I can get away with it though because I understand who I should and can say dirty nasty things to. I also use a real picture of myself and I’m a real person with personality, not some anonymous idiot. Stop being creepy to women online. It lowers my chances at gorilla masking them.

gorilla mask

(Not exactly what I meant, but you can never find a good gorilla masking picture when you need one)

4) Rebloggers

The few times people have reblogged something I wrote it was awesome and flattering. About half the time it was people who genuinely enjoyed the post and wanted to share it with others. The other half it was some random foreign person whose entire blog was reblogs. What’s the point in this? It’s not some super kind Pay it Forward gesture. It’s stalking and thievery. Please don’t steal my stuff. I barely worked on it and you taking it will make people think I’m legitimate. I cannot handle the pressure.

payitforward

(He’s not trying to create kindness, he’s trying to build the world’s largest human centipede. We missed the point of the film!)

5) Non-repliers

I despise when I leave someone a comment on their blog and they do not respond back. Seriously, these people are terrorists. I would rather save a member of Al-Qaeda from a burning building than someone who doesn’t reply to my comments. Then again, if Al-Qaeda members are in a burning building they probably are the ones who lit it on fire. Is it too hard to reply to a comment on a blog? Christopher Reeve could have replied to a blog comment with some weird blinking device it’s so easy. Please always reply. You’re garbage if you don’t. Unless the person commenting is garbage. Then you’re a trashman.

Is there anything I missed? I know there must be. Five is a really short list. Imagine if Schindler’s list was this short. The Nazis would have probably not even noticed he was helping them escape to freedom or whatever happens in the movie. I don’t remember it much. My favorite scene is still the one with the fat secretary.

Everything is better live. Comedy, theater, eating, sex, and punching an enemy in the balls are all perfect examples. The hard part about live shows is deciding which one is right for you. Here in the piece, and it is a piece after all because it’s a work of art, I will quickly summarize a few popular live shows for you in as few words as possible.

Blue Man Group – Smurfs hitting objects with other objects while lasers shoot all over the place.

Stomp – Blue Man Group with black people dancing.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Christmas music being played loudly.

Penn & Teller – Tall man with ponytail yelling loudly while short man does not speak, card tricks included.

Carrot Top – Bullied Ginger takes common objects and makes them less funny.

Cirque de Soleil – Foreign people bending in weird positions acting as an aphrodisiac for old unflexible bystanders.

Criss Angel – Robert Smith from The Cure without a singing voice deciding to waste our time.

David Blaine – Vin Diesel with higher endurance and dumber ideas.

Every One Man Show – A former alcoholic talking about his childhood in a tough neighborhood.

Every Comedy Show – More than one former alcoholic talking about their childhoods in tough neighborhoods.

Wicked – Green lady wearing black clothes and being mean to midgets.

The Lion King – Creepy live version of what was a much better cartoon film.

The Book of Mormon – Two hours of gay jokes.

Jersey Boys – Italian guys nobody remembers singing.

Anything Burlesque Related – Women with self-esteem issues dancing for men with self-esteem issues.

Phantom of the Opera – Lessons about how ugly people can have kind hearts but still act really creepy and get the girl.

Do you have any to contribute to this list of cynicism?

band application form live music downtown san jose

(They couldn’t get a picture of an actual band? Just some 10 year old with a guitar? His pants aren’t even long enough. I bet they pay their performers in Diet Cokes)

 

“The best things in life are free.” – A rich person trying to fool someone without money into not following through with a revolution

Some of the best things in life are indeed free. Like today for instance. If you missed out the first time it as available for free on Amazon, for today only you can pick up a copy of Silence: My Worst Stand-Up Comedy Performances and Experiences. This is a short book I wrote about exactly what the title suggests. Blah blah blah most of you already know. I’m only writing this up for a Filipino person. They’re so far behind on the times it’s embarrassing.

If you already got it once I guess you could always get it again because then I will temporarily be a “Hot Seller” until things die down. Or you don’t have to. I guess I’ll also tell you about something else. Last month I put together a collection of some of my best blog posts. It ended up being over 60,000 words which is pretty gosh darn long. I put these blog posts together with the main purpose being to see if I could reach a new audience. I think it worked for a few people, but there’s one problem. Amazon is a pain about putting up things for free so if you would be so kind as to help me out with the following steps I would be willing to send you a sexy photo of me.

1) Go here

2) Click on the “Tell us about a lower price” button where the giant error is pointing at

awesome blog

3) Click on “Website”

4) Paste in any of the following URLs as well as the price as $0 or any other information that comes up:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-to-write-an-awesome-blog-tim-boyle/1114770628

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/290005

http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/How-to-Write-Awesome-Blog/book-BU5G02u0d0Sel26AsDJP8Q/page1.html?s=ZmTcR2sYGEWw8VBJ-1M4ZA&r=3

5) Then submit

Apparently this is the easiest way to make something permanently free, get enough people to complain they have found a free copy elsewhere. I don’t want to charge people for information they can find elsewhere. Plus on the time it’s been on Amazon not a single person has bought it so why charge some money anyway? If they were flying off the virtual shelves believe me, I would screw people over. It would also be helpful if you purchased the book from any of the free links under Step 4 then left a review. You don’t have to actually read the book considering you can find everything in it on my blog. Or if you want you can. It could be a quick way to catch up if you’re obsessed with me and new. Most of you have already read what’s in the book, although I rewrote everything a little bit and edited in some sarcastically helpful hints for anyone to create their own awesome blog, but I don’t expect anyone here to spend time on it. Did this make sense? I’m starting to think this was endless rambling.

hot new releases

 

(I was popular for a little bit)

Over on the Kidz Showz blog today we had someone leave a nasty comment. They had seen something I posted on Craigslist about the offer to write for us and I guess their expectations were much higher. The gross thing they said in All Caps is what they said. The very long thing beneath that they will not appreciate me putting together is what I said back.

DISRESPECTED CUSTOMER

WHO THE FUCK DO YALL THINK YALL ARE?? YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A PRIVILEGE TO SEND IDEAS TO YOU! BUT YOU SO DAMN TALENTED. WTF DO YOU HAVE POSTS ON CRAIGLIST FOR IS YOU ALL HAVE SUCH GREAT IDEAS.? RUDE ASS MUTHA FUCKAS! IF YOU ALL WERE SO GREAT YOU WOULD HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR SOME OF THESE GREAT IDEAS. COCKY ASS MUTHAFUCKAS! FUCK THIS WEBSITE AND FUCK YALL CHEAP IGNORANT FUCKERS. I WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED UNTIL I WAS DISGUSTED BY THAT BULLSHIT YOU CALL INFO AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE. VERY RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS FANS OF THE SHOW LIKE ME.

Dear “Disrespected Customer”

What is it I am selling you that makes you a customer? Customers must first buy something. Everything on this site is free. Please try to remember that because it’s important later on for this whole “pay me!” thing you’re talking about.

Answering your first question would require me to answer for everyone associated with this website. Y’all is a contraction for “you all” which I’m sure you already know because you seem like a highly intelligent person. I can only speak for myself. Who do I think I am? I’m not sure. I question this a lot. My name is Tim Boyle though. I don’t think that’s exactly what you wanted now is it?

In a way it is a privilege to send ideas to us. Everything in life is either a privilege or a right. Driving a car is a privilege, not a right. You have to earn that kind of thing by proving you can follow directions and such. Another common right is the right to remain silent, one I wish you had decided to use.

Thank you for calling me so damn talented. I think you meant this sarcastically, but it translated poorly as much of what you do in life does.

Why do I have posts on Craigslist? Because I have discovered some really talented, generous, and hilarious writers there looking to expand their horizons and write for a new audience unfamiliar with what they have to offer. It’s really tough to build up an audience for anything in life and even if one person becomes a fan then I feel it’s worth it. Plus, I like the idea of community and people helping each other out, especially creatives. You probably have never had many people in your life who enjoy the idea of helping one another. I don’t blame you. I don’t know who to blame. I don’t even know your name let alone who it was that made you such an angry man or woman. I really hope you are a man because your writing style is incredibly unattractive. I would hate to find out the fairer sex has someone like you masquerading as a woman.

It’s spelled motherfucker. See, I’m starting to grow impatient with how poorly written your complaint is. I also think rude ass may have a hyphen between the two words. I’m not sure. I try to be courteous to people, even when they are rude ass/rude-ass motherfuckers.

If we were great we would have the money to pay for ideas? No. If we were good business people we would have the money to pay for these ideas. Great people do things on their own and don’t pay others to do it for them. What is it with you and money? The Craigslist ad clearly stated this was a No Pay Gig. Do you read books and stop before the end? Do you read?

Your calling me a, and I’m paraphrasing here because I like proper grammar, “cocky ass motherfucker” means two things. The first is that you didn’t look around the site much. We’re very cocky at times, it’s sort of a tradition around here. Clearly your sense of humor would not fit in with us. The second thing it tells me is you have poor self-esteem. Cheer up buttercup, life ain’t so bad. Put a little love out into the world and it will come back.

How is it that we are cheap because we do not pay people to write for us? We pay nothing to have this site up. We make $0 off of it. Where is the money coming from? I honestly feel bad for you. Between reruns of Maury and whatever other garbage you spend your days watching, you’re on Craigslist getting pissed off at a blog because we won’t give you money. I appreciate the fact you think this blog is so great that we are making money off of it. Truth is it’s almost impossible to make an income from a blog. You would know that if you ever tried doing it on your own. Unfortunately you strike me as a person who takes and never gives.

You’re breaking my heart saying you were very interested and have since changed my mind. You seem so talented, funny, and positive. I would compare your writing skills to a donkey taking a shit on a rug. There’s no real punchline there, but you get the idea. Do you know what disgusts me? People like you. People who are cowards and cannot say who they really are, especially when they have a problem. You’re just some anonymous asshole whose opinion means nothing to me. I’m sure you have many fine qualities, but you didn’t let them shine in your comment. And in no place did we call this info at the top of the page. They’re broken down into different categories. If you want to be technical you’re the one calling it info. I prefer to use the word information because it’s more intelligent and correct, but hey, we can’t all be cocky ass motherfuckers like me, can we?

I’m not sure what was so rude and disrespectful. This is a blog that I run with a friend of mine. We can put up whatever we want and as long as we don’t violate any terms we are allowed to continue. I’m sorry your hopes got up that you had found the “perfect” job for you, even though you clearly would not have been a good fit here or probably anywhere in society. If I could pay people to write for us I would in a heartbeat because it’s so hard to become a paid writer. Have you ever gotten paid to write anything? I honestly hope not because if the answer is yes I might break my own fingers off. Furthermore, which show are you specifically talking about? You act as if we are a television program with some leverage in the industry. I wish we did, but you’re sounding foolish.

I hope you come to terms with whatever is really bugging you make lots of money writing nasty messages to people. I’m going to be posting about you on my other blog over at https://mooselicker.wordpress.com because I think you deserve some attention that men or women have failed to properly give you. Life is hard, don’t make it harder on yourself or anyone else.

I would suggest to you that you create your own blog if you think we’re such cheap ass motherfuckers and see how easy it is to make money at. And you do realize we never said you could not write for us? We allow everyone who can put together a good piece to write for us. If you are still interested in writing for us and it will be for free because we do this for fun because we love writing and meeting other people with talent who can make us laugh, send me an email at timboyle109@yahoo.com with the subject “I have no manners.” And please spell everything correctly because I’m a little OCD about little things like that, especially when you’re apply to write something.

I hope the next time you apply for a job or look for a place to write you are much more polite. There’s a reason why nobody likes you. Surprise motherfucker, it’s not them, it’s you.

People are better off not knowing you,

Tim

P.S. Why are you shouting? The Caps Lock key is located on the far left of your keyboard. It’s next to the “A” key. Fix this.

P.P.S. I may delete both our comments in the next few days, but I want to give you a chance to read what I said. I don’t like having this glaring negativity sitting here. Just a heads up so you don’t go thinking I’m avoiding you.

I will report on any more battles that take place.

A blogger who has declined credit for this idea and for interviewing me asked me to do a quick interview with her. Of course I did it. What else was I going to do? You should read it here.

Here’s Mooselicker

Completely unrelated, but yesterday I woke up an hour earlier than I set my alarm for. I went online via my phone to see if I had any important emails or any love confessions. When I went to WordPress on my phone it said that my account had either been deactivated or suspended. I immediately jumped up. How could this happen to me? After almost 2 years I had never had a problem. I started thinking about all of these “Save Mooselicker” fantasies where the WordPress community all posts about how much they miss me. One of you takes it too far and flips over a cop car and kills a guy. I ended up going onto my computer and realized there was nothing suspended or deactivated. My phone was just trying to tell me setting my alarm for 10AM is entirely too late.

Thinking my blog could possibly be gone made me realize something important. It’s not that I’m too reliant on technology. My epiphany was that the Western World would probably collapse if not for me. It’s a remarkable undertaking and responsibility. The magic in this blog compares to none. So go back up to the top and read the interview I did. I love you all. Except you. You’re kind of weird.

Last Sunday (not yesterday) I attended my town’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I would name what town the parade takes place in, but I live on the actual street it goes down and would hate for some psychopath to read this then come to my apartment and suck my dick. Seriously, why are people paranoid about saying where they live? I only don’t give out my address because I would hate to get junk mail from you.

last-years-st-patricks-day-parade_original

(Oh I get it, you guys watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Green Man right? Cool. You have cable and watch a popular show. Is it wrong to hope those two guys suffocate?)

Onto the actual parade, it was very average at best. I don’t think I’ve seen a St. Patrick’s Day Parade ever before so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. The last time I saw any parade live was probably when I was 5. My only memory is having popsicle on my face. This is why parades need more nudity, children don’t remember them.

I went outside 20 minutes after the parade was supposed to begin because I always like to arrive fashionably late. People would see me come outside so late then think “Wow he was probably up there in his apartment with some hot babe” when really I was running late because I was paying overdue bills and eating cereal. This is what life is all about, fooling people into thinking you’re better than you really are.

President_Barack_Obama

Without any particular destination I began walking up the street away from the area I knew all the Portuguese live. Nothing against the Portuguese people, but I would rather avoid you if I can. You’re hardcore European and don’t look it. My mind gets confused.

It was amazing how many people were outside standing on the street. I expected maybe a few hundred scattered around. I would predict there were about 10,000 people outside standing around in green t-shirts, waving the flags of Ireland, and getting piss drunk. These people were mostly white and either formed packs of families, drunk young people, and weekend dads with a child. Do you want to know what’s sad? I felt most attached to the weekend dads with their child. All the drunk whores walking around and I felt more at ease standing near deadbeat dads with young children.

I walked all the way to the end of the parade then crossed the street and began to walk toward the beginning of it. Take note that the parade had not even come by yet. I was simply walking through a large group of neighbors hoping one might touch my butt. None did. I need to start wearing a fake butt.

fake butt

(“I gotta get me one of these.” – Will Smith)

I made it to a point where the parade finally started to come through. I continued walking though because I did not feel I had a good spot where I wouldn’t look too creepy being the only person under 80 standing around watching a parade alone. Eventually I walked back the other way and finally planted myself near a small tree and garbage can. Standing between the tree and the garbage can looked like an evolution chart of how respected these three items are by society, me in the middle.

I had to make sure I got a good spot where I could see the actual performances. They were things like military people twirling guns or slutty high school girls singing. The best parts were when I saw a midget twirling a baton and when I saw a girl in an electronic wheelchair leading the marching band. I’m all for giving the disabled equal opportunities, but isn’t half the battle the marching part? All she did was hold a banner with another kid who looked annoyed.

Probably the best performance in the parade was the Irish step dancers. One in particular won my heart. She had an obvious Irish face, long curly dark hair, and an ass you could…what’s something you could do with a really nice ass? I mean this thing was bonkers. I honestly think I might kill a family member to touch this girl’s ass. Not kill them brutally or drag things out or anything. I’m not sick. Trust me if you saw this girl’s butt you would go home and think about killing yourself because you know you would never get a chance to stick your head in it. What value does life have anymore? I’m literally going to try finding her on Facebook now and hope she’s 18.

DNEWS Rhythm of Ireland

(She’s not pictured here. I actually did find a picture of her on Facebook though. Why have I never gotten a job as a Private Investigator? I found everything out about everyone)

My other observations from the parade are young people curse way too much, parades are mostly fat old people sitting, and I’m more into asses than boobs. I only managed to have two conversations with all these people out there. The first happened while I was passing the frozen yogurt shop. A girl holding out free samples offered me one. A free sample of the frozen yogurt, not of the girl. The other conversation I had was with a drunken prostitute who bumped into me then apologized. I don’t know for a fact she is a prostitute but will assume so because she was drunk and bumping into people at 3 in the afternoon.

The parade came to an end soon after and the citizens cleared out. It was almost sad in a way. Everyone came out to see this big community gathering and before we knew it things were over with. We all retired back to our dwellings to probably never see each other again.

The only other noteworthy event that happened was I think two high school girls thought I was following them. They also know where I live now because they were sitting outside my apartment when I went inside. What would I even do with a high school girl though? Help them with their homework? I’m always years late to the party.