I’m getting old. The worst thing about getting old is there are more people younger than me than there are older than me. Constantly the number of people who exist that are older than me decreases. The number of people younger than me will always rise. It’s unsettling. With each day I’m closer to death and more of a failure. This post is dedicated to all the famous people younger than me who have already become successful. I hate all of the following people and hope they fail because of our age difference. These are only the ones that totally shock me. I’m well aware how there are around 4 million people under 25 who are successful. Ugh I want to die.
Julianne Hough: I’m not quite sure what she does and for some reason I thought she was really old. She has an old lady’s name. Julianne? You don’t name people that anymore. She’s already been on Dancing with the Stars which means she’s already washed up. What am I doing wrong?
Adele: How is she younger than me? She’s huge both in shape and in notoriety. She would have been in my graduating high school class but I still have a few months head start on her. Maybe I should have stayed fat. Maybe I should have learned how to sing. If I had to guess I’d say Adele was 45. She’s not though. She was born in 1988. This is horrible.
Colin Kaepernick: The Super Bowl losing quarterback for the 49ers is about a month younger than I am. With athletes I’ve come to accept a lot will be younger than me. What bothers me is that he’s playing in Super Bowls. I’m afraid to ask a waitress to take my dinner back to the kitchen to warm it up and this guy has to work on the biggest stage of them all. And by biggest stage of them all I don’t mean Adele’s second chin.
Hayden Panetierre: I can accept her being my age or real close to it but she was born two years after me. Why would I be scared to ask her out on a date still? She’s younger than me. No matter how big my penis is she would be stunned by it.
Dev Patel: The second most famous Indian actor in the world, most famous if you don’t consider the Harold and Kumar movies real. He was the main character in Slum Dog Millionaire. He’s probably a real life millionaire. He was also born in 1990. My sister was born in 1990. Her crowning achievement is owning a cat.
Snooki: I always forget she’s a little over a month younger than me. I guess I should excuse anything stupid she does because of this. I don’t though because I’m old and mature enough to understand age is nothing but a number. A number to hate people who happen to have a lower number than you and have achieved more.
Kate Upton: Everyone jerks off to Kate Upton. I don’t really get the hype. I don’t think she’s all that good-looking. Yeah she has giant breasts but she’s just average otherwise. The worst thing, she’s younger than me. She was born in 1992. Someone shouldn’t be allowed to be a sex symbol if they were born after Goodfellas came out.
I hope you feel really old now knowing these people are even younger than I am.