I’m getting old. The worst thing about getting old is there are more people younger than me than there are older than me. Constantly the number of people who exist that are older than me decreases. The number of people younger than me will always rise. It’s unsettling. With each day I’m closer to death and more of a failure. This post is dedicated to all the famous people younger than me who have already become successful. I hate all of the following people and hope they fail because of our age difference. These are only the ones that totally shock me. I’m well aware how there are around 4 million people under 25 who are successful. Ugh I want to die.

Julianne Hough: I’m not quite sure what she does and for some reason I thought she was really old. She has an old lady’s name. Julianne? You don’t name people that anymore. She’s already been on Dancing with the Stars which means she’s already washed up. What am I doing wrong?

julianne hough

Adele: How is she younger than me? She’s huge both in shape and in notoriety. She would have been in my graduating high school class but I still have a few months head start on her. Maybe I should have stayed fat. Maybe I should have learned how to sing. If I had to guess I’d say Adele was 45. She’s not though. She was born in 1988. This is horrible.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Colin Kaepernick: The Super Bowl losing quarterback for the 49ers is about a month younger than I am. With athletes I’ve come to accept a lot will be younger than me. What bothers me is that he’s playing in Super Bowls. I’m afraid to ask a waitress to take my dinner back to the kitchen to warm it up and this guy has to work on the biggest stage of them all. And by biggest stage of them all I don’t mean Adele’s second chin.

colin-kaepernick-scored-15-touchdowns-2012-season

Hayden Panetierre: I can accept her being my age or real close to it but she was born two years after me. Why would I be scared to ask her out on a date still? She’s younger than me. No matter how big my penis is she would be stunned by it.

hayden-panettiere-ctv-upfront-2012-presentation-06

Dev Patel: The second most famous Indian actor in the world, most famous if you don’t consider the Harold and Kumar movies real. He was the main character in Slum Dog Millionaire. He’s probably a real life millionaire. He was also born in 1990. My sister was born in 1990. Her crowning achievement is owning a cat.

dev patel

Snooki: I always forget she’s a little over a month younger than me. I guess I should excuse anything stupid she does because of this. I don’t though because I’m old and mature enough to understand age is nothing but a number. A number to hate people who happen to have a lower number than you and have achieved more.

Cane-toad

Kate Upton: Everyone jerks off to Kate Upton. I don’t really get the hype. I don’t think she’s all that good-looking. Yeah she has giant breasts but she’s just average otherwise. The worst thing, she’s younger than me. She was born in 1992. Someone shouldn’t be allowed to be a sex symbol if they were born after Goodfellas came out.

2010-melons

I hope you feel really old now knowing these people are even younger than I am.

Comments
  1. Faggot says:

    That chick is actually a pro dancer on dancing with the stars. I’m going to now eat a bullet.

  2. Way to go … now I feel old, too. At least I’m not an Adele Hater. What’s up with that? Hate on Taylor Swift with the rest of us. 😉

    • Mooselicker says:

      Taylor Swift if anything falls into the category where she still feels 14, not only because she looks so young but because she also behaves so immaturely. Enough hate for you?

  3. Haha I know what you mean. But always compare yourself to people who truly inspire you and lay the foundation to who you wanna be. If you lag behind their progress at the time of their and your age, then you got to worry 🙂

  4. Lily says:

    I just asked my mom how old she thought Dev Patel was and she said 35. Hahah. I’m always freaked out by the number of impressive people that are younger than me. I wonder what it’s like to be a successful child? Must be nice. The Adele thing is just too weird.

    Also, you know that Julianne Hough was a dancing teacher on Dancing with the Stars, not one of the contestants. I think that’s how she got “famous”. I still haven’t seen her do anything really impressive besides dance.

    • Mooselicker says:

      If anything this makes me even less impressed with Julianne Hough. I thought she had other talents for some reason.

      Are you sure your mom didn’t think Dev Patel was Kumar? There’s a 50/50 shot that’s who she was thinking about. Like how there’s a 50/50 shot an Indian person’s last name is Patel. They’re always Patels or Singhs.

  5. Don’t worry, I will always be older than you.

  6. tinkadele says:

    Are you older than me? I aspire to be on this page.

  7. I’m older than everyone on this page.

  8. Nowadays, I mostly feel very, very young. There are a lot of people older than me at university, and only a few younger people, so now I feel like the innocent, naive young one.
    But I guess that’s better than feeling old. I mean, you are pretty old, aren’t you? Do you have wrinkles already? Does your back hurt when you get up in the morning? Do you say ‘when I was young…’?
    Nah, just joking, you’re practically as young and naive as I am to people older than you ;).

    • Mooselicker says:

      My back doesn’t hurt much but other parts ache to remind me I’m not getting any younger. I think it always feels like your body is older than it is and your mind is way too incredibly young. Just you wait another 3 years. You’ll be doing a post just like this.

  9. SingingTuna says:

    Get old or die. That’s about it.

    Don’t get me started. I fell asleep during the Academy Awards because I didn’t recognize half the people there and the other half were the “Oooo! Lookit who died last year!” memoriam ones. It’s not the physical mess of aging that’s so crummy (even kids can fall apart). No, it’s the feeling that you’re completely irrelevant.

    I’ll bet I’m older than your Dad.

    And Hayden Panetierre? She was a little kid on TV soap operas in the mid-1990’s. So she’s probably starting to feel old, too, just because she’s been acting for nearly her entire life — if that’s any consolation.

    Probably not.

    (If you didn’t use those “Sorry you’re sick” hugs yet, you can use them here)

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m not one to hold off on using up a hug so they’re all used up. You can’t be much older than my dad if you are. He acts much older than he is because he tries so hard to be young that it drains him. He’s been to more concerts this year in 2 months than I have my entire life. He thinks he’s such a punk rocker…still.

      For some reason remembering this post just keeps making me more and more depressed.

  10. SingingTuna says:

    LOL
    I’ll see your Dad’s punk rock and raise it to Woodstock.
    🙂

    OK…you should go away from this post now so you don’t feel even more depressed and have a flu relapse.
    (REALLY ancient old people talk like that, not youth-challenged people like me)

  11. Feeling so much older than you now, because I am, but you have reminded me of one of my all time favorite songs and if you’ve never heard it I suggest checking it out to really bum yourself out more. It goes…

    You’re older than you’ve ever been and now you’re even older.
    And now you’re even older.
    And now you’re even older.

    Yes, its a true classic.

  12. I have this theory that everyone has that desire to be “great”, whether they admit it or not. And what makes older people hate younger people is that they’ve already achieved greatness or has more chances of achieving it than themselves.

    But that’s just a theory. Maybe bitterness is a hormone that only appears once you reached a certain age. I’m starting to feel the initial symptoms myself. I hate One Direction. And Justin Bieber. All the teenagers in the world. And all these writers who were famous before 23: http://mentalfloss.com/article/12334/23-writers-who-were-famous-age-23

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha that seems like a good theory. It’s probably also why older people tell younger people to give up their dreams and such. I’m sure sometimes it’s realistic, but not always. A lot of really successful people in some industries don’t make it until they’re in their mid to late 30s. The more frustrating part is not thinking you’re on the right path. This is why I like small victories. It makes me think I can one day have a big one.

  13. modeejae says:

    I think I love the Snooki pictures the best. I mean, that look totally works for her! 😉

  14. I died at the “pic” of Snookie. Anytime that I start looking at famous people and trying to judge them in an attempts to make myself feel better I end up in a self-hatred spiral for at least three days. Last fall I wrote a blog post about hating Karmin (that terrible rap/pop band, who happened to graduate from my college the same year as me)… It threw me into my *second* quarter-life crisis.

    Go look at your Facebook friends who work at a supermarket at 25 and you’ll feel better…

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s so hard not to judge ourselves to others though. I wonder if successful people sit around looking at people like me to make themselves feel even better.

      I think I’m in a constant quarter life crisis. Eventually it will be upgraded to mid-life then to a twilight crisis. The world will be a better place once I’m dead or shipped off to a prison on a different planet.

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