Following my self-diagnosis of the flu, I have caught a much worse bug, the post-flu depression. I had been feeling severely depressed the last week or so and after carefully researching everything I could (typing something into Google once) I discovered that suffering from depression following  a bout with the flu is common. Not that I’m normally a Happy-Go-Lucky kind of person, but this was far different. Not only do I feel the blue, I also have no desire to do anything at all. Think about the last day you were lazy. I feel like this all the time now which is weird because normally I’m highly motivated. This sickness feels like it has totally kicked my ass and changed who I am. I don’t like it and I need to get out of this funk before I do something stupid like express my emotions.


(Yeah you read that poetry and squeeze that invisible boob you nancy boy)

One thing that has always been a cure for me whenever I’m feeling down in the dumps is victory. Even a small victory like having someone confess their love for me or looking at the clock at 9pm and realizing I haven’t eaten much at all and have an excuse to stuff my face are fine example of the victories I look forward to every day. Sometimes though these victories are few and far between. So, in an attempt to get an even bigger victory which will surely make me happy for a more extended period of time I will need your help.

I am going to attempt to take something I wrote last summer to a real publisher. Self-publishing is all fine and dandy, but the keyword is “self” as in you have to do all the work. It’s great to have things out there and I plan to continue to do so only it’s not enough for me. It’s a small victory and the chances of me being able to go further with it are far more limited than if I had actual representation. I could probably make more money selling three books published by a real company than I have in self-publishing total. There are other things I could make more money at which I will not name because I really would like to go at least one post on this blog without using the phrase “sucking a dick.” I have to be professional now.


(I have to be more like these professional people. Except not like the redhead in the back. She looks too stiff. I thought those people were supposed to be fiery. Or am I thinking of their crotches?)

In short, what I need help with is coming up with the title for this completed manuscript. I have other things I’ve written, I’m working on, and whatever the other options are, but this one is as finished as it will ever be which is why I am choosing this one. It’s about every bad date, every horrible girlfriend I’ve had, and every time my heart was broken by a girl who didn’t think as highly of me as I did her. Okay, so it’s not every time just 95% of them which is plenty. I didn’t mention two people I dated because I genuinely care(d) for them but everyone else is fair game. The book involves everything from girls with lazy eyes not wanting to dance with me, the first date I ever went on which happened to be with a gang member, and in general how I managed to turn the entire female population against me. This is not one of those stories about conquests over women. It’s not about getting laid, being happy, or success in any way. It’s the anti-Tucker Max story. This is just about how incredibly fucking cruel life can be.

Now that you know what it’s about I need your help coming up with a title. I honestly have very few ideas on what to call it. Each chapter ends with me recounting what I learned from the girl and they’re always positive messages. Like for instance in one chapter I learn women are cruel and will take advantage of a sweet boy. In another chapter I learn I’m not as good-looking to a sober girl as I am when she’s drunk. It’s pretty fantastic and what I need from you is a title.

What should I call this bad boy so I can get started on getting rejected more frequently?

  1. Lily says:

    I’m bad at making titles unless they’re for my own posts. I’m actually still bad at those too. That sounds like a really good idea though. A topic that interests both guys and gals. So because you’re publishing it, that means that it will come in a hard copy form? Or does publishing mean nothing now? I don’t know.

    I’ll brainstorm about a title and see what I come up with.

  2. A Gripping Life says:

    I’m terrible with names, too. I like the idea, though, and I’m sure it will be a success. Hey, maybe you should use a positive word in the title because people will psychologically be drawn to it? “Lessons in love.” Do you think that’s been used before? Haha!!! So original. There’re probably 2,000 books with that title.
    I’ve been depressed, too. Feel better soon, my Tim!!
    Your virtual mom xoxo

    • Mooselicker says:

      Lessons in Love was probably the exact simple title I went straight to. I think it’s the word “Love” that doesn’t fit because there’s nothing loving about most of these stories.

      Too bad we can’t have a bitch and stitch together to cure our depressive ways.

  3. Hi Tim! Sorry about the flu; sorry about the depression. Good for you wanting to take something to a publisher. I think that’s a smart move having something in both self and traditionally published. As for your title. I didn’t have a clue until I read your lesson learned: “women are cruel and will take advantage of a sweet boy.” That’s almost a great title. Why don’t you look at all the lessons learned, pick one that you think will be the most appealing and use it with a catchy subtitle about lessons learned while dating, or as Gripping Life said, Lessons in Love.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Good suggestion. I think if I can come up with a summary word for all the lessons I might have something more clear and concise. My mind has felt like it’s caving in on itself (not my head, literally my mind) so I’m hoping once this goes away I can assess things more closely. Thanks for the input!

  4. Woah, hope you feel better already! I’ll be thinking a good title… Lily’s title is already a good one though!

  5. Pen says:

    I actually disagree with your virtual mom. I think the market today is more interested in books that sound like something horrible happened. Not another “love is this great life adventure” or bullshit like that.

    There you go.

    Bullshit Like This.

    Wait. Can you have cusswords? I think you can to some degree, but it limits your market. Maybe a PG version?

    Also, I am sorry you’re have that post-illness blues. I hate that. I would profess my love for you but I have serious commitment issues. Is adoration acceptable?

    • Mooselicker says:

      Everyone who tells me they love eventually leaves anyway so don’t let commitment by what stops you. That sounded a lot more clever than sad in my head.

      Right now I’m leaning toward something starting happy and simple then becoming a little more pessimistic. I’ll come up with something eventually…I hope.

      • Pen says:

        Your awkwardness only increases my adoration 😉

        Titles are a bitch. I can never think of good ones for my stories or poems either. Sometimes I think I’m just going to have a string of vague expletives. Like %$(@()$#(_)@#)%$%^!@

      • Mooselicker says:

        I can title poems easily. I go with the Smashing Pumpkins strategy, take a normal word and break it into different words that mean nothing. Pork You Pine was a lousy poem I wrote a few years ago. It had nothing to do with pork, you, pine, or porcupines but it looked silly.

        Growing adoration is always good in all its forms!

      • Pen says:

        Too bad. I would totally read a poem about pork. Mmmm…bacon.

  6. Seb says:

    1. You have probably depleted electrolytes after the flu. Sports drinks should help.2. The title is always the very last thing I put on anything and I ever give it more than 5 seconds thought, that’s rare.

    • Mooselicker says:

      1. Thanks I’m going to give that a shot

      2. I’m usually fine with titles and sometimes even write something on the basis of a good title. This one has alluded me.

  7. “I feel like shit and you’ve made me worse 2 – The Awawkening”

  8. Ideas:
    Broken hearts, broken heads.
    Broken hearts club, banned.
    Why can’t we be friends… or something more?
    Stalking desire.
    Stalking stuffer.
    No dear, I didn’t get the restraining order.
    Are you sure no means no?
    Can I carry your books home from school for you?
    My other car really is a Camero.
    Okay, okay, I’m going.

  9. I picture in my mind a fat kid who got rejected a lot and I can’t bring myself to make fun of that kid in a title. I’m a sissy. So it’s up to you. But doh, I know you’d come up with a good, wholesome title with a better, totally offensive subtitle. Just take your mind off it, do something totally unrelated, then come back for it. Maybe it will help. It helps me when I write.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Actually a good majority of the stories were when I was older and not a fat kid so don’t fret. I haven’t worked on it in a few months but of course I still think about it because more stories sometimes formulate as I’m still no pimp. It’ll come to me someday I hope.

  10. SingingTuna says:

    Did someone (other than you) say this already?
    “How I Managed to Turn the Entire Female Population Against Me”

    It’s long-ish but sounds like a winner. You could make it:
    “How I Turned the Entire Female Population Against Me”
    I just Googled it, no hits. So it’s probably yours if you want it.

    How exciting that you’re going to find a real publisher! YAY! Big step, big potential payoff. Tell whoever it is you end up with that I said they’re lucky to be found by you. All their writers should be so talented.

    Sorry about the post-flu thing. Ugh. Depression’s like living inside a snow globe, only there’s no snow, just crap floating around.

    And…on that cheery note, I’ll leave.

    • Mooselicker says:

      That’s actually a pretty good title. I’m sure they may always end up changing the title for me but of course I want to go to them with a really good one anyway. Lengthy titles are not a problem for me. In fact, I have a fondness for them 🙂

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