“Home is where the heart is”

I have a lot to say about this quote. The first is that it’s poorly written. It’s six words long and already you’re repeating. This quote is so old that there has been plenty of time to edit it to look better on paper. The more important thing that needs to be said about this quote is how cruel it is. What about homeless people? Does this mean they have no heart? What about people without hearts? Does this mean they deserve to be homeless? It’s a confusing quote which really has little to do with what I want to do here. I want to compare apartments and houses to figure out which one is better.

When things break and you live in an apartment you can usually call up the maintenance men to fix it. They’ll most likely smell and have weird paint stains on their skin. Working in the industry they do, unclogging toilets, they still tend to be pretty nice. When you live in a house it is much more annoying to get things fixed. You have to call in a professional and everything that gets fixed costs money. I grew up in a house where everything was broken except for the people living in it so it’s nice to be able to have maintenance men fix everything. I was kidding before when I said the people in the house weren’t broken. We were and are and will continue to be.

unclogging toilet

(Jesus lady, how big was your dump that you’re making this face?)

Lawn care can be fun for men who enjoy beer, golf, and not satisfying the needs of their wife. The best thing about apartment living is you don’t need to worry about a lawn, in most instances at least. Living in a house means you have to mow it, make sure it doesn’t die, and clean up any animal shit that might appear there. It can become costly to maintain even an ugly lawn. The only downside to not having a yard is your children are more likely to be fat because they will have little choice but to play video games all day long. At least it will build character.

call me maybe guy

(Oh look it’s this douche again)

Something you must consider when moving into a new place is the ghost factor. When I say ghosts I mean anything paranormal. I’m not sure if I actually believe in the existence of these creatures but it’s always a worry. You have to figure fewer people have died in a house than in an apartment. People usually own a house for like what, 20 years? Once one person dies in it they move on. People are always dying in apartments. And even if they aren’t actually dying in the apartments, people who lived in those apartments are surely dying somewhere else. I’m not sure if I was a ghost I would actually go back to living in an apartment I spent a lot of time in. Do ghosts have a choice? I think in asking that question I skipped over a lot more important ones like “Is there a God?” and “Do ugly people still look ugly in Heaven?”

ghost photobomb

(This looks like the ghost of Paul Revere Photobombing a picture in Tokyo. Yes, because they’re Asian they have to be living in China. And yes, because I’m a racist I assume Tokyo is in China)

When it comes to choosing where you will live the two most important factors should be space and beauty. You need enough room to put your shit and it needs to look nice once you do. I guess that sounds a little shallow in a way. It involves being materialistic and kind on the eyes. But life is shallow so let’s not get all uppity. Houses problem win as far as space and beauty is concerned. What can you do to make an apartment look beautiful other than buy a weird-looking Ikea couch? Apartments are basically storage units with more rats. A house is definitely the way to go if you care about other people’s opinions. Everyone is always judged when they live in an apartment. People will say you have no money and you have no friends and nobody loves you enough to marry you and buy a house with you. At least that’s my reasoning for why people say those things to me.

I don’t know what the point of this was. Where would you rather live?

  1. SingingTuna says:


    Oh, wow. You must’ve seen my first apartment. And the trolls who were my neighbors. To be fair, I was the one cooking cabbage but they were the ones who practiced their clog-dancing in the hallways. I survived a year there then escaped.

    “Apartments are basically storage units with more rats.” LOL

    I’d far rather live in a house — in spite of all the difficulties, like smoke detectors that never die and toilets that ghost-flush at 3:00am. Why? People are a pain. Apartments usually have other people around. So apartments are usually a pain.

    Remind me I said this in a couple of months when I’m yelling on my blog about the cicada-killer wasps, ant battalions, and stinkbugs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      How is that smoke detector doing by the way?

      I’ve lived in apartments for so long now it would be tough for me to go back to living in a house. Ideally a house on the beach on an awesome island shaped like my face would be where I would like to live. With a talking helicopter too!

      • SingingTuna says:

        The smoke detector! Poor little thing.

        The day after it went crazy, making a sound like a truck backing up — ALL DAY — a guy up the street finally asked what that noise was and why wouldn’t it stop. I told him. He told me that the sound was bothering his dog and asked if it would matter if he put a stop to it? I said: no, knock yourself out. So he did. He bisected the unit with the handle of a snow shovel and gutted it. We all watched the carcass for a while, just in case it came back to life. But…no. It was over. No more noise.

      • Mooselicker says:

        There has to be a more humane way to kill a smoke detector than that haha

  2. Luddy's Lens says:

    (Man, you are really crushing on that tattoo’d douche, ain’tcha? Just send him that swoony fan letter you’ve been composing in your head. You never know.)

    Sure, an apartment may just be a storage unit with more rats, but a house is just a large garbage can with more roaches and flies. Or a furnished cave with more spiders. Or in my case, a latrine for raccoons.

  3. I can’t even decide which state I want to live in. I don’t think I can move to an apartment at this point. I have accumulated too much stuff. It would look like a bad episode of hoarders.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Maybe an apartment or a smaller home would help you clean out a few things? Each time I move I take with me less and less. I probably got rid of 20 garbage bags from my old apartment and I really don’t even own much. It’s amazing how much we accumulate. I still have things I don’t need or want.

  4. I’ve cleaned out a lot. believe me. We have 3 buildings on our property. So it’s like 3x what normal people have. Once Lily gets a new place she can take all of her boxes and that should alleviate the situation. Haha! I’ve kept every childhood memory, I have to hand it over to my kids to sort through. I don’t want to inadvertently throw out something important.

  5. Welcome to my stressful world.

  6. Pete Howorth says:

    I would choose either America (Somewhere remote and a lot of hot chicks like you see in the movies) or Australia (Somewhere remote and a lot of hot chicks like you don’t often see in the movies). I’m getting pretty sick of England at the moment, hopefully I do get to make that move to Australia later in the year as Australian accents are the best accents in the world.

    • Mooselicker says:

      It’s funny how you’re sick of England and everyone I know in America is sick of this place. You probably need to at least get out of Chesterfield. Did you ever do any traveling when you’re younger? Those young travelers always seem happier. I fucking hate them so much.

      The best thing an Australian can say is Melbourne. They pronounce it “Mel-buuuun.” It’s so sexy. I actually keep a chart of countries I’ve made out with girls from. Australia was easy.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I’ve never kissed an Australian before, so jealous! I haven’t done much travelling, only when I go out drinking and whatnot. I went to China for a fortnight a few years ago and know instantly that is not a place I’d want to live permanently.

      • Mooselicker says:

        The Asians hate me for some reason so I would never go there.

        I think a lot of us feel like we could be happier if we just moved away to some small town far away. It seems so beautiful to just sweep floors in a grocery store in Montana to me. I could tell all the town folk stories about big East Coast cities. The farmer’s daughters will fall for my charm.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        American’s apparantly love an English accent too I hear, though I think the only accent they expect from an Englishman is a sort of Hugh Grant sort of voice. Not a northern “ORATE POL” voice like mine. But I’d give it a shot all the same.

      • Mooselicker says:

        You could get laid in 5 seconds in America. I could get laid in 10 by introducing you.

        “This is my friend Pete. He’s from somewhere else.” – me

        “Hello love…” – you

        Then the hot one sleeps with you. Then the fat one shrugs and sleeps with me because at least I know someone with an accent.

      • Pete Howorth says:

        This sounds like a plan to me. And if there’s just a lone woman with no overweight best friend, I promise to let you go two’s on her. Eiffel Tower?! Yes please!

  7. The Waiting says:

    Apartment living is OK if you don’t have kids, but now that we have the baby I would really like to live in a house. Kids do an incredible job of filling up confined spaces with their screams and noxious diaper odors.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Is anything better with kids? 🙂

      I think once you have a family, a spouse and kids, your opinions on the world probably completely change. I know I would rather have a kid growing up in a house but that’s also probably because I grew up in a house. Do diapers smell that bad? I always assumed it was Urban Legend.

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    This is so well timed. I was pinging with a friend tonight thinking about moving. I have loved my apartment until about 3 weeks ago. My new neighbours are so loud and obnoxious…but that is what you get with apartment living. Houses in my area are expensive…the most important thing to me is how fast can I GTFO if I have to…apartment…hands down.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m a saint aren’t I?

      Houses are a marriage and apartments are a serious relationship. The worst thing about houses is it seems like nobody can afford them until they’re almost 40 now. Or maybe it was always that way. Or maybe my family is poor. Frozen cottage cheese as an ice cream replacement is common right?

      Glad I could help you somewhat.

      • 1jaded1 says:

        You did help me come to my senses. Rich poor or whatever. I will NEVER do marriage. Apartment living is more like a casual relationship. Two month penalty to end the lease is a small price to pay. To me the bottom line will always be how fast can I get the fck out. Thanks again oh saintish one.. 😉

      • Mooselicker says:


        Now hand over some cash. This advice isn’t free ya know.

      • 1jaded1 says:

        I will pay you in pennies, remember I live in an apartment.

  9. benzeknees says:

    When I was growing up, I lived in a house. Then when I left home I moved into an apartment for a few years until I could afford to buy a house. I lived in houses for almost 30 years then. In the last 2 years, we moved into an apt. because my husband is getting older & doesn’t want to maintain a yard any longer & I have trouble keeping up a big house. Now we live in a lovely 2 BR apartment with hardwood floors & all the conveniences including in-suite laundry & a balcony if we want some fresh air. This suits us just fine right now.

  10. Have you written anything about apartments and houses before? I had a strong deja vu while reading this.

    That was an easy question. I’d live in a house with a large backyard any day. Lots of trees would be better, too. I like to run and play outdoors and see green organic stuff around me. A couple of them trees would have tire swings too. A lake or a beach should be nearby for a daily swim. Damn, I could see that place when I close my eyes. Too bad I’d have to work for 30 years or more first before I could afford that. Why don’t rich, dying millionaires ever propose to me?

    And people in apartments are always noisiER. Noise drives me crazy when they’re not my own.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I may have. Nobody else called me out on it though. This was the only blog post I wrote up during the middle of my huge writer’s block faze. I have a few others in my arsenal now.

      I think it’s different for women than it is men and for married folk opposed to single ones. I don’t want a house mostly because I know it would take me being married or really rich for me to get one. Even if I was really rich I probably wouldn’t get one. I’d donate all my extra money to charity because then hot philanthropists would be interested in spending the night in my cozy apartment ::raises eyebrows::

      Apartment people are noisy because they hate themselves and the person they live with.

  11. joehoover says:

    I’ve mostly lived in houses, even in London, but they are still prone to neighbours noise since we are all in terraced houses, my neighbour takes it upon himself to bang repeatedly on the wall from 1am to 5am every night. Our gardens are the size of a postage stamp, but it’s something I suppose. Planning a move to Vancouver I am looking at apartments now but am thinking it’s a good thing as I will get to meet people, not sure about the shared laundry most places have, that’ll be a new experience flashing my underwear in public.

    My house is pretty small, a London terraced cottage but you end up filling with crap anyway, last two weekends I have been ebaying or taking stuff to the tip. More space means you just fill it with more stuff you don’t need, it’ll be freeing to move abroad and take nothing with me.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I like that you say it will be freeing to love objects behind. Stupid furniture I own has sentimental value and stuff because people bought it for me. It’s just furniture yet I would feel bad getting rid of it because it’s still in good shape. Luckily after my last move a lot of the furniture got damaged carrying it up the stairs so I would be more likely to throw the stuff out the next time I move.

      Did you end up deciding on Vancouver? I remember you weren’t sure.

      • joehoover says:

        Your furniture must be better made than ours, my sofa looked like I found it in a skip after about a month’s worth of use. I’m assuming that’s the reason furniture prices are double the price of here, yes, I’ve been looking at furniture in Vancouver. Should be moving end August unless they veto my visa application, haven’t actually done that bit yet, but it’s a company transfer through my partner so they are supposed to be quick.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I didn’t put much wear and tear on the stuff. Carrying it up 3 flights of stairs did more than having the stuff sit immobile for 3 years. A black man one of my pieces while I was moving. It actually made me really happy.

        Best of luck to you getting over to Vancouver. You’ve got your partner waiting over there for you, right? You guys should bother Lily in Canada. She lives not too far away me thinks.

      • joehoover says:

        Literally just got an email saying the move may be off again. They want immediate start which isn’t possible so someone else is taking the role. Oh well, there is always next year…

      • Mooselicker says:

        In other words, fuck life and everything about it.

      • joehoover says:

        Pretty much! 😀

    • benzeknees says:

      John, look for apartments with in-suite laundry, then your washer & dryer are in a closet or small room in your actual apartment. I don’t think I could cope with shared laundry either.

      • Mooselicker says:

        From my experience shared laundry is only a problem when you see a gang member hanging around the dryers. I always thought they’d still my stuff. No one ever did. I’m just a racist I suppose.

      • benzeknees says:

        Years ago, when I lived in a high rise with shared laundry, someone stole all my underwear out of the washer on the day I was moving into my first house. So I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because I was so busy until I needed something clean to put on later & had no underwear!

      • Mooselicker says:

        I bought some underwear off of Craigslist recently. Want me to send you the pictures and see if any of it is yours?

        I’m kidding. I bought them off eBay.

      • benzeknees says:

        I don’t think I would be interested in 30 year old underwear, but thanks!

      • joehoover says:

        That would be better, especially hidden away to dampen the noise

  12. If you live where it is hot you can’t foget cross ventilation.

  13. Lily says:

    I kind of like apartment living–life is so simple. Paul can’t wait to buy a house. He literally won’t feel like a person unless he has a house. So yeah, I’m excited! Maybe I’ll find a ghost friend?

    • Mooselicker says:

      I don’t think I could watch a scary movie in a house. My house I grew up in was nothing big but I always thought there was someone hiding downstairs. At least in apartments there’s no running around away from murderers. They catch up to you really fast and they’ll have to kill you quickly or else a neighbor will hear.

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