Here is something I wrote for CollegeHumor that I decided was not even good enough to submit to them. See, I don’t send them just anything. I am contemplating sending them a nipple in a box sometime soon. I’m getting a little annoyed they either reject me or don’t get back to me on articles. I think they’re hoping I die.

How to Leave Times Square without Money

Times Square in New York City is one of the most recognizable places in the world. The sentence you just read is also one of the most obvious statements ever said in the world. Whenever a person steps into Times Square for the first time they are mesmerized by the lights, the crowds, and the noise. It’s been this way for years and will stay it for more to come. People living outside of the greater New York City area may think the most dangerous things in Times Square are the homeless, the crackheads, or other cretins that don’t really bother the common person. The truth is there are far greater dangers out there.

Know this, everyone you encounter in New York City will be looking to take all of the money from your wallet. They’re generally good people so they won’t just reach into your back pocket and take it. They’re going to con you into thinking handing over your hard earned cash is the only thing you can do to get the full New York City experience. Here is the list of people who want your money most.

Comedy Club Ticket Sales Person:

New York City is the standup comedy capital of the world. There are so many comedians and so many clubs it can be grueling how competitive they are. Times Square is filled with people from different clubs trying to sell you tickets. These sales people are either aspiring comedians, an average Joe looking for a few extra bucks, or someone who cannot get hired anywhere else because there’s still too much cocaine stuck to his nose hairs. That’s not a joke, I’ve seen it. Most of these sales people will tell you some of the biggest names in comedy will be performing on the show you’re buying tickets to. Remember, Sam Kinison is dead and will not be performing comedy anywhere.

FILIPINO_20KINGS_20OF_20COMEDY

(It’s only racist if you say this show looks like crap)

Classic Childhood Characters:

It’s impossible to walk through Times Square without spotting at least one person dressed in a giant costume of a beloved childhood character. There’s Elmo, Mickey Mouse, Cookie Monster, Hello Kitty, and many more. When you approach these characters they will deny you a photograph unless you are willing to drop a dollar into the sack they carry around with them. Is a picture with a Japanese immigrant dressed up as Big Bird even worth a dollar? Because that’s really who you’re taking a picture with, someone whose only skill is to put the costume on and wave.

dumb broads

(Why are the slutty ones always so wasteful with their money?)

Rappers:

“Hey big guy, do you like rap music?” is the most common question asked in Times Square. This question is asked by aspiring rappers who are out on the streets hawking their CDs. It’s a little insulting to refer to anyone as ‘big guy’ unless his pants are down. I’m not sure how much money these guys ever make, but judging by the way they smell it’s not enough for a stick of deodorant. It’s admirable to see them working so hard to make it big. If only they knew a more polite way to say ‘Hello sir, would you mind taking a listen to my musical production piece I have created?’

rapper

(There’s no tattoo or bullet wound on the back of her neck. She has no business listening to rap music)

Knock-Off Brand Salesmen:

Women go crazy for knock-off purses. Sometimes I’ll be on a date with a girl thinking I’m going to score then we’ll pass by a Haitian on a city street corner selling stolen handbags or other products and I know I’m doomed to spend the night alone with an old sock as my partner. Most of these bags are legitimate enough where the straps won’t break apart in the first week. The men selling these products barely ever need to give the women who fancy the bags a sales pitch. Something happens to a woman when she sees a handbag. The same thing happens to a man when he sees large breasts. Possession takes over. We lose thousands of years of human evolution in our DNA. Before buying one of these bags ask yourself if you can even afford enough shit to throw into the bag once you own it. Almost always the answer is ‘hell no.’

handbags

(I think I just heard a woman orgasm while looking at this picture)

Tour Buses:

Possibly the biggest tourist trap in any city you can fall for is the bus tour. New York City might be one of the easiest cities to navigate due to its grid system and different smells from neighborhood to neighborhood. Do you smell pot? You’re probably in The Village. Do you smell fried chicken? Most likely you’ve crossed into Harlem. Do you smell bleached assholes? Welcome to Chelsea! The bus tours any city will take you on are nothing special, New York being no exception. Discover these adventures on your own. You can get closer to the sites and have more time to appreciate the ones that actually mean something. Plus, none of these tours take you to places as seen in the third Die Hard movie. What’s the point in going to New York City if you don’t see those sights?

rubes

(The word “rubes” should be on the side of this bus and nothing else)

Comments
  1. Pen says:

    I wanna see something like this for Chicago.

    Also, your description of the rapper-hawkers made me think of the YouTube song “Read a Book”. I love that song.
    “Use deodorant man, it ain’t expensive. “

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve only been to Chicago once and it was 8 years ago so you will have to be the one to write it. Everyone in NYC wants to steal your money. It’s a tad annoying. And you can’t drink big sodas anymore there.

      • Pen says:

        Hm. That’s not exactly what happens in Chicago.
        The only hawker scheme in the poorly executed “take this pamphlet- HAHA, now you owe me 20 bucks!” that few people fall for.

        I would say Chicago does a good job of getting you lost though. I have literally had at least two friends go up there for vacation, having never been there before, don’t bring a map and then text me in the middle of the day going “Where the hell are we?”
        Then they take a crummy cell-cam pic like that’s gonna let me know where they are. I usually just ask what non-chain restaurant they can see and go from there.

        My partner bitches about both Chicago and New York’s lack of CCW/gun allowance. He says he’s amazed that I lived in Chicago for years with “those anti-gun laws” and didn’t get mugged or assaulted.
        I honestly don’t notice, not being a gun person myself.

        But that anti-big soda thing is just awful.

      • Mooselicker says:

        As long as you’re not walking around at 3 in the morning in a dangerous neighborhood you’re pretty much safe. Most gun violence is drug related. The moral of the story, buy your heroin at lunchtime.

      • Pen says:

        Lunchtime is an excellent time for transactions.

  2. I want to go to Times Square and see slutty elmo.

  3. SingingTuna says:

    “It’s impossible to walk through Times Square without spotting at least one person dressed in a giant costume of a beloved childhood character.” Seriously? That’s just creepy.
    Love the tagline on the back of the bus: “Hop on Hop off.” Seems like the sidewalk Furries ought to be wearing signs that say that. It’s wasted on a bus.

    “buy your heroin at lunchtime.”
    HAAHA!

    I’ll bet there are bedbugs in those purses.

    So this isn’t good enough for College Humor? They’re a fussy bunch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I actually never sent it to them. It didn’t seem like it would be something to fit their style. Other things I sent them were a lot better and they rejected them. It’s actually a much more closed off group than they pretend to be I heard.

      I’m guessing you’ve been to NYC before right? I swear I remember you mentioning MOMA long ago. Times Square has changed a ton in the last 4 years. Many parts are closed off to traffic. I wish I was alive to see the dangerous Taxi Driver days where everything was a porn theater. If only my parents had sex earlier before they knew each other…

      • SingingTuna says:

        Last time I was in NYC was 1970 and that was just to go to the airport because the plane didn’t fly out of Phila. I was there a couple of times, though, before that. Had lots of relatives in and around the city. Did go to museums, Rockefeller Center, Radio City, some plays, churches, the usual. People probably steered me away from the porn…LOL

        “If only my parents had sex earlier before they knew each other…” HAA! this sounds like the premise for a comedy sci-fi series.

        Why are parts closed off to traffic? So they can be just for pedestrians? No need to reply; just curious. 🙂

      • Mooselicker says:

        Yep, closed off for pedestrians. You know the token big towers with the video screens and how they face each other? That whole area of Broadway is closed off to traffic. You can go across town just not up or down. Yet another reason to be a discouraged driver.

        Wow 1970? Those are the days I dream about venturing around the city. Things can still get pretty dangerous. A third of that “dating girls book thing” I talked about last week is about running around New York City at 4 in the morning.

  4. The Waiting says:

    The last time I was in NYC was in 1997 and I was 15 but I remember most of these. Do the rap guys even have an MP3 player for you to listen to their music on before you buy it? If not, their current marketing strategies are the worst of all time.

    • Mooselicker says:

      They usually have CD players. The annoying thing is you have to put on headphones a million other tourists have worn. When I was 17 I cut class and roamed around NYC for a day and actually hung around some of the rappers for a little bit. It was not very exciting

      NYC might be one of the least scary places I have ever been. That is, until it’s dark and someone starts walking toward you.

      • The Waiting says:

        You were the Hold Caufield of the 2000s.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Funny you say that because it was 11th grade when I did it and when we were assigned the book to read. I rarely read the books we were supposed to in high school and still got good grades. Everyone thought I was copying the book when I told them about my adventure. It happened in 7th grade too when I got an empty envelope in the mail addressed to me in my handwriting. I swear I time travel someday.

  5. You just get more more cynical all the time. Good for you.

  6. joehoover says:

    Better than any guide book, if I end up there I know to avoid it.

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