Here is something I wrote for CollegeHumor that I decided was not even good enough to submit to them. See, I don’t send them just anything. I am contemplating sending them a nipple in a box sometime soon. I’m getting a little annoyed they either reject me or don’t get back to me on articles. I think they’re hoping I die.
How to Leave Times Square without Money
Times Square in New York City is one of the most recognizable places in the world. The sentence you just read is also one of the most obvious statements ever said in the world. Whenever a person steps into Times Square for the first time they are mesmerized by the lights, the crowds, and the noise. It’s been this way for years and will stay it for more to come. People living outside of the greater New York City area may think the most dangerous things in Times Square are the homeless, the crackheads, or other cretins that don’t really bother the common person. The truth is there are far greater dangers out there.
Know this, everyone you encounter in New York City will be looking to take all of the money from your wallet. They’re generally good people so they won’t just reach into your back pocket and take it. They’re going to con you into thinking handing over your hard earned cash is the only thing you can do to get the full New York City experience. Here is the list of people who want your money most.
Comedy Club Ticket Sales Person:
New York City is the standup comedy capital of the world. There are so many comedians and so many clubs it can be grueling how competitive they are. Times Square is filled with people from different clubs trying to sell you tickets. These sales people are either aspiring comedians, an average Joe looking for a few extra bucks, or someone who cannot get hired anywhere else because there’s still too much cocaine stuck to his nose hairs. That’s not a joke, I’ve seen it. Most of these sales people will tell you some of the biggest names in comedy will be performing on the show you’re buying tickets to. Remember, Sam Kinison is dead and will not be performing comedy anywhere.
(It’s only racist if you say this show looks like crap)
Classic Childhood Characters:
It’s impossible to walk through Times Square without spotting at least one person dressed in a giant costume of a beloved childhood character. There’s Elmo, Mickey Mouse, Cookie Monster, Hello Kitty, and many more. When you approach these characters they will deny you a photograph unless you are willing to drop a dollar into the sack they carry around with them. Is a picture with a Japanese immigrant dressed up as Big Bird even worth a dollar? Because that’s really who you’re taking a picture with, someone whose only skill is to put the costume on and wave.
(Why are the slutty ones always so wasteful with their money?)
“Hey big guy, do you like rap music?” is the most common question asked in Times Square. This question is asked by aspiring rappers who are out on the streets hawking their CDs. It’s a little insulting to refer to anyone as ‘big guy’ unless his pants are down. I’m not sure how much money these guys ever make, but judging by the way they smell it’s not enough for a stick of deodorant. It’s admirable to see them working so hard to make it big. If only they knew a more polite way to say ‘Hello sir, would you mind taking a listen to my musical production piece I have created?’
(There’s no tattoo or bullet wound on the back of her neck. She has no business listening to rap music)
Knock-Off Brand Salesmen:
Women go crazy for knock-off purses. Sometimes I’ll be on a date with a girl thinking I’m going to score then we’ll pass by a Haitian on a city street corner selling stolen handbags or other products and I know I’m doomed to spend the night alone with an old sock as my partner. Most of these bags are legitimate enough where the straps won’t break apart in the first week. The men selling these products barely ever need to give the women who fancy the bags a sales pitch. Something happens to a woman when she sees a handbag. The same thing happens to a man when he sees large breasts. Possession takes over. We lose thousands of years of human evolution in our DNA. Before buying one of these bags ask yourself if you can even afford enough shit to throw into the bag once you own it. Almost always the answer is ‘hell no.’
(I think I just heard a woman orgasm while looking at this picture)
Possibly the biggest tourist trap in any city you can fall for is the bus tour. New York City might be one of the easiest cities to navigate due to its grid system and different smells from neighborhood to neighborhood. Do you smell pot? You’re probably in The Village. Do you smell fried chicken? Most likely you’ve crossed into Harlem. Do you smell bleached assholes? Welcome to Chelsea! The bus tours any city will take you on are nothing special, New York being no exception. Discover these adventures on your own. You can get closer to the sites and have more time to appreciate the ones that actually mean something. Plus, none of these tours take you to places as seen in the third Die Hard movie. What’s the point in going to New York City if you don’t see those sights?
(The word “rubes” should be on the side of this bus and nothing else)