I don’t have any incredibly traumatizing memories from my childhood. Some people were hurt really bad physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, or robotically. Despite not needing to turn my mind spotless for eternity or whatever you call the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure, there are a few silly things from when I was younger I would like to forget ever happened.
1) To scare away classmates I used to threaten to kiss them
Maybe this isn’t completely factual accurate because I did it to kids who were not always classmates. Even at a young age I had such poor self-esteem that I knew a kiss from me would be the worst thing I could do. More importantly I knew the early 90s was still too soon for the American public to accept homosexuality. I was such a clever kid. Such a gay clever kid.
(I bet this guy never even speeds. He’s terrified of going to prison with those lips)
2) I used to pluck my mom’s chin hairs and I liked it
My mom was never a bearded lady but she would get the occasional chin hair. I’m not sure if she specifically asked me to plug them for her but I did volunteer many times. There was something fun about grabbing the tweezers between my fingers then yanking out a hair from her face. This taught me the importance of vanity and never letting yourself get convinced what’s important on the inside is what matters most.
(Why doesn’t she just convert to Islam? She can cover it up all the time)
3) I used to scratch my dad’s beard for him and I liked it
It’s clear now I had a strange obsession with my parents’ facial hair. I don’t know exactly why I liked scratching my dad’s beard. I think it was just so thick and I imagined treasure could be pulled from it. At times I hoped I would be able to scratch out a big piece of dandruff but I never did. He always said he enjoyed my gross ice cream covered hands scratching his beard; however I’m pretty sure he was lying. At least I can always say I have scratched another man’s beard for him. That’s got to be on someone’s bucket list.
(I swear the next picture won’t just be of a random person’s face)
4) In first grade I thought cable was a channel, not the thing channels are on
All of the cool kids ambushed me one day in first grade with questions. I’m not sure why they thought I was so interesting but they did. Their question was whether or not I had cable at home. My response was “What channel is that?” I knew cable had something to do with TV. My only mistake was thinking it was an individual station. Normally this would be an easy and forgettable mistake but these kids were really cool. One went on to be obese. Another gained a thousand more freckles. The third was a redheaded Jew. I miss those days in first grade when you could look like a Dick Tracy villain and still be popular.
(Do we have to wonder why no one has ever heard of this comic book character?)
5) I blew many chances at being really popular
My school bus usually had a lot of popular kids on it because the town mayor insisted they help balance things out with me living where I did. One day while going home two popular girls got up from the back of the bus and sat near the front where I was. They asked me if they could be my best friend. I said “No” because it was the safe thing to say. The same girl one time asked me what kind of cologne I was wearing because I smelt nice. I told her “None, I’m just covered in Speed Stick.” She loved and I didn’t understand I was telling a joke because I really was covered in Speed Stick.
(Lather yourself in this and you will definitely get laid or at least be bothered by someone asking you what that smell is)
6) The most popular girl in school had a crush on me
All right I’m lying, she didn’t but she definitely had some kind of interest in me which is really bumming me out right now thinking about it. We had very few interactions in our time together. Whenever we did interact she paid very close attention to me. Ninth grade Physical Science Level B was when we interacted with each other the most. She sat directly behind me. One time she was talking to the kid with the weird big eye about the Chili’s restaurant theme song. I had the perfect opportunity to turn around and in a deep voice say “barbecue sauce.” It would have been the first thing I ever said to any of them all year long and it would have been tremendous comedic timing. I could have been so cool. Instead I chose to sit there in silence and giggle about how 11 years later I’ll be lying around in my underwear writing about this experience for a blog trying to decide which would be an easier suicide option, poison or jumping off a cruise ship. Poison is a lot harder to get than you would think and cruise ships are always floating about.
(Don’t be fooled by the title. This poorly directed series of images was never on cable…whatever channel that is)
What’s a quick little memory from your childhood you would like to be able to block out? Nothing too serious. I don’t earn enough money off this blog to be your fucking therapist.