I don’t have any incredibly traumatizing memories from my childhood. Some people were hurt really bad physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, or robotically. Despite not needing to turn my mind spotless for eternity or whatever you call the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind procedure, there are a few silly things from when I was younger I would like to forget ever happened.

1) To scare away classmates I used to threaten to kiss them

Maybe this isn’t completely factual accurate because I did it to kids who were not always classmates. Even at a young age I had such poor self-esteem that I knew a kiss from me would be the worst thing I could do. More importantly I knew the early 90s was still too soon for the American public to accept homosexuality. I was such a clever kid. Such a gay clever kid.

big lips

(I bet this guy never even speeds. He’s terrified of going to prison with those lips)

2) I used to pluck my mom’s chin hairs and I liked it

My mom was never a bearded lady but she would get the occasional chin hair. I’m not sure if she specifically asked me to plug them for her but I did volunteer many times. There was something fun about grabbing the tweezers between my fingers then yanking out a hair from her face. This taught me the importance of vanity and never letting yourself get convinced what’s important on the inside is what matters most.


(Why doesn’t she just convert to Islam? She can cover it up all the time)

3) I used to scratch my dad’s beard for him and I liked it

It’s clear now I had a strange obsession with my parents’ facial hair. I don’t know exactly why I liked scratching my dad’s beard. I think it was just so thick and I imagined treasure could be pulled from it. At times I hoped I would be able to scratch out a big piece of dandruff but I never did. He always said he enjoyed my gross ice cream covered hands scratching his beard; however I’m pretty sure he was lying. At least I can always say I have scratched another man’s beard for him. That’s got to be on someone’s bucket list.

IMG_6734 bearbeitet 01 Kopie

(I swear the next picture won’t just be of a random person’s face)

4) In first grade I thought cable was a channel, not the thing channels are on

All of the cool kids ambushed me one day in first grade with questions. I’m not sure why they thought I was so interesting but they did. Their question was whether or not I had cable at home. My response was “What channel is that?” I knew cable had something to do with TV. My only mistake was thinking it was an individual station. Normally this would be an easy and forgettable mistake but these kids were really cool. One went on to be obese. Another gained a thousand more freckles. The third was a redheaded Jew. I miss those days in first grade when you could look like a Dick Tracy villain and still be popular.


(Do we have to wonder why no one has ever heard of this comic book character?)

5) I blew many chances at being really popular

My school bus usually had a lot of popular kids on it because the town mayor insisted they help balance things out with me living where I did. One day while going home two popular girls got up from the back of the bus and sat near the front where I was. They asked me if they could be my best friend. I said “No” because it was the safe thing to say. The same girl one time asked me what kind of cologne I was wearing because I smelt nice. I told her “None, I’m just covered in Speed Stick.” She loved and I didn’t understand I was telling a joke because I really was covered in Speed Stick.


(Lather yourself in this and you will definitely get laid or at least be bothered by someone asking you what that smell is)

6) The most popular girl in school had a crush on me

All right I’m lying, she didn’t but she definitely had some kind of interest in me which is really bumming me out right now thinking about it. We had very few interactions in our time together. Whenever we did interact she paid very close attention to me. Ninth grade Physical Science Level B was when we interacted with each other the most. She sat directly behind me. One time she was talking to the kid with the weird big eye about the Chili’s restaurant theme song. I had the perfect opportunity to turn around and in a deep voice say “barbecue sauce.” It would have been the first thing I ever said to any of them all year long and it would have been tremendous comedic timing. I could have been so cool. Instead I chose to sit there in silence and giggle about how 11 years later I’ll be lying around in my underwear writing about this experience for a blog trying to decide which would be an easier suicide option, poison or jumping off a cruise ship. Poison is a lot harder to get than you would think and cruise ships are always floating about.

(Don’t be fooled by the title. This poorly directed series of images was never on cable…whatever channel that is)

What’s a quick little memory from your childhood you would like to be able to block out? Nothing too serious. I don’t earn enough money off this blog to be your fucking therapist.

  1. SingingTuna says:

    I can’t believe no one commented yet. Who doesn’t want free therapy from the guy who mined for dandruff in his Dad’s beard?
    Haa! The cable/channel thing. Kids really have to learn a lot, fast, don’t they? Every once in while something obscure like that slips through the cracks.
    I’m glad to hear that threatening to kiss other kids is still an effective scare tactic. Or at least it was when you were a kid…it might not be, now. But I’ll bet it is. In the 50’s, “cooties” were transmitted on contact — especially through kissing — and cooties were the worst thing ever even though they didn’t exist. If a kid even LOOKED like he might kiss another kid, other kids started screaming “Cooties!!!!” and the potential kisser was branded forever. Or until lunch.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’ve got a lot of great advice to give! Do not mock me 🙂

      Kids are such little bastard atheists these days they don’t believe anything until they see it. We knew what cooties were but we usually just called them germs. We’d say something like “oh no I have Amy germs” and the only way not to get Amy germs was to have your fingers crossed when you touched Amy. Of course kids were cruel and Amy was the girl in the class with Down Syndrome which goes to show you what happens when you fill a school with white middle class kids, we grow up with no sensitivity.

  2. Lily says:

    Ugh I’ve had similar experiences to your elementary school ones. I love that you thought cable was a channel because that’s something I would’ve sad. “Such a clever gay kid.”
    I think I actually did kiss a couple guys in my kindergarten class. I must have thought they would back away as well, but they never did, so I was forced to kiss them. Rough.

    I can’t really think of any unblocked memories that I would like to block right now. Of course throughout the day I always think of something and have to shake my head to make the memory leave my brain.

    • Mooselicker says:

      So your brain works like an Etch-A-Sketch?

      I think we all have these stupid little moments. I also remember thinking 75 cents was more than a dollar. It was the last time my dad trusted me with money.

  3. The opportunity to be cool and totally miss it was the worst as a kid/ is still pretty bad now and I do it regularly.

    One of my most mortifying (and there are many) was when I was in 6th grade and this boy sat in front of me on the bus. Because I grew up with brothers, I thought that being mean to someone was a good way of flirting. Anytime he’d say something dumb I’d be like, “You see this rock key chain I have?? I’m going to hit you in the head with it!.”

    At some point I decided I had to follow through on my flirtation(threat). As I walked off the bus, I wound up and launched the rock at his head. It hit really hard, he recoiled, I felt instant guilt. I sat in silence on the bus for the rest of the year.

    Great post!

    • Mooselicker says:

      Great post, great comment.

      I really would love to see this boy’s side of the story. “Some mean girl always threatened me and I never did anything to her. What was her problem?”

      The worst thing is being mean still is a good way of flirting. I’ve never held a door open for a girl then had it lead to anything. It’s only when you’re mean a girl notices you. I’m not sure about guys. I think all a girl has to do is exist and not hit them. We hate being hit. I’m glad you learned your lesson young.

      • SingingTuna says:

        When I was 8 a boy broke my “little finger” on purpose, at choir practice. He told his Mom that he did it because he liked me and wanted me to come to his birthday party. Gotta love a flirt.

      • Mooselicker says:

        How long did you guys date? 🙂

      • SingingTuna says:

        Didn’t last: he was shorter than I was. I got sick of talking to the part in his hair.

  4. Childhood seems to have messed you up more than most of us. I feel bad for how normal my childhood was. I had to mess myself up.

  5. Pen says:

    (don’t worry, I’ll keep it light for your blog 😉 )

    Speaking of tweezers and fair hair, my one female ex (I had one of those college sexuality crises) has this obsession with plucking my eyebrows for me. The funny thing was she was the one who had more unibrow issues going on that me. I have gorgeous eyebrows. You shut your whore mouth.

    Anyway, she also had other weird obsessions like trying to get me to pop zits on her back that she couldn’t reach. She also preferred to be the one to put lotion on me.

    Apparently I dated Buffalo Bill.

    So much for keeping my comment light.

    Let’s go with my school-yard experience. I got in trouble for correcting a fellow student’s spelling of the F word. He was engraving it inside of the tunnel slides. The teacher/recess aides caught us because they heard me saying “NO! It has a C in it!!”

    However, my dad was super proud of me when the office called him to complain. I got ice cream after school that day.

    So it’s a mixed bag sort of memory.

    • Pen says:

      Though my face hair IS fair, that should have been “face hair”. Lol.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Hey, we all dated a few girls in college. Not me. Looks like we did things the opposite of how we were supposed to eh?

      Popping someone’s back zits is a bit commitment. That should be saved for marriage. Just my opinion. I wear a ring as a reminder to wait.

      My mom high-five me when I was suspended once in high school. I don’t think I got ice cream because I was old enough to get it myself. Funny how screwing with the system can make a parent so proud. Where’s the bumper sticker for that?

      • Pen says:

        Haha. I’ll trade you. Weird gothic-uber-masculine bisexual women for all the men that obviously hit on you for being such a gay clever kid/man.

        Seriously. I tolerated way too much from that relationship. I’m always for for legalizing gay marriage because I really don’t give a shit what they do, but I’m sort of glad my state doesn’t have it legalized because she may have conned me. She was tricksy.
        I intend to never fall for the trap of matrimony. I shudder at the thought of joint-accounts and joint-property.

        I think my father was more happy that I was correcting another child’s spelling. He was not the type of parent to be proud of screwing with the system.
        The conversation went as follows:
        Dad: The teacher told me you said the F word on the playground. That’s a very bad word. You know better.
        Me: I didn’t say it to be bad. I was telling Jimmy-Bob that he was spelling it wrong.
        Dad: Spelling it wrong? Why was he spelling it?
        Me: He was writing it on the slide. I told him he was wrong and he wanted to know how. He forgot the C. But he didn’t know where to put the C so I had to spell the whole word.
        Dad: -chuckle- ‘Atta girl. Let’s go get ice cream.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I have nothing to add to this but want to acknowledge I saw this and understood it and you didn’t waste a bunch of time typing it out.

      • Pen says:

        Lol. Thanks for that. Sorry to ramble. It’s been a day. One of those where the internet feels like the only safe place…ha.

      • Mooselicker says:

        No need to apologize. Better to say too much than not enough.

  6. The Waiting says:

    When I was in second grade, the teacher announced one day that one of us could bring in a video for the class to watch since we had accomplished something as a class. (Likely the class had gone a week with no one wetting their pants or infecting the class with lice.) We were all volunteering what videos we could bring, and I raised my hand and said that I could bring in Batman for the class to watch. (How that is even appropriate for a group of seven-year-olds, I don’t even know.) Some other kid then interjected that Batman was rated PG-13 so we couldn’t watch it, to which I replied that it wasn’t PG-13; it was Warner Brothers. I may have been little but I felt like the biggest idiot ever the moment I said that.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You were so safe with this until you just assume Warner Brothers does not do PG-13 movies. I hope no one else remembers it. I have an idiot for a future blog about stupid things other people did that I remember which kind of makes me worry if I remember other people’s dumb moments they may remember mine.

      Do you remember what movie you guys ended up watching? I hope it was still something inappropriate.

      • The Waiting says:

        Just to clarify, when I said “Warner Brothers”, I meant that it was rated Warner Brothers. I don’t even know what that means.

        I think we ended up watching a VHS tape of Cosby episodes that someone’s parents had recorded off TV. So, lame.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Okay I take it back. That’s incredibly embarrassing and something I would have believed.

        My sister had a taped copy of Weekend at Bernie’s and on the VHS case there was a picture of the Grateful Dead bears, you know the colorful ones. I knew movies usually had scenes from them on the outside covers. I kept asking her throughout the movie when the bears were going to come. Of course she lied and said they were coming up…

        Rated WB for Warner Brothers. That seems like some Christian warning that there will be black people.

      • The Waiting says:

        Also, the fact that you just said “I have an ‘idiot’ for a future blog” may be the best Freudian slip ever. I love all your blog idiots 😉

      • Mooselicker says:

        Sometimes these Freudian Slips are better than anything I actually plan out to say.

  7. Sweet Jesus, dude, you used to tweeze your mother’s chin hairs? And how old were you then, and when you rummaged through your dad’s beard? I never blew any opportunities to be popular because I never had any opportunities. But you have another Freudian slip in there: you said, “I told her “None, I’m just covered in Speed Stick.” She loved and I didn’t understand I was telling a joke because I really was covered in Speed Stick.”

    • Mooselicker says:

      Is there any appropriate age for a boy to tweeze his mom’s chin hairs or scratch his dad’s beard? It was not too old but it was not too young.

      My Freudian Slips always fit well. I had one in the comments with Emily. But doesn’t making someone laugh make them love you? So maybe I’m not too far off?

  8. This is some pretty funny stuff, Tim. And that guy’s lips look like mini balloons. I was a little creeped out reading about your parents facial hair, but I was totally grossed out once when I watched a girl popping pimples on her boyfriend’s back at the pool. I was disgusted but couldn’t look away. I had guys throw tomatoes at me once when I was mowing the grass. That was pretty traumatic, and I haven’t mowed grass since.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Why were they throwing tomatoes at you? I’m guessing you weren’t really in a position to ask, but I would at least hope you could have some sense of why. It would be haunting not to know.

      • Back in the day – a hundred years ago – way back before seatbelts were the law and you could ride around in the back of pickup trucks …

        I was out mowing the grass in the front yard, and a bunch of high school guys drove by with a truck full of tomatoes. They all stood up at once and launched them. I’m sure I wasn’t there only target, and I recall being in the bed of a truck many times while launching eggs at houses. Pranks used to be a part of life, and we sure had a lot of fun.

        And I walked 8 miles to school in the snow in my bare feet. 😉

      • Mooselicker says:

        You make it sound like paradise.

      • Did you ever watch American Grafitti and wish you lived during that time? Yes, teen angst, but so much freedom and a lot less worries by kids and parents alike. That was a little before my time, but we still had a ton of freedom when I was growing up.

      • Mooselicker says:

        No I’ve never seen it. I somewhat know what it’s about. It’s one of those older films I feel might be too dated for my generation, but hopefully I’ll get around to watching it at some point. I’d love to live in the wild west. All you had to worry about was survival.

  9. Pete Howorth says:

    Being forced to play monopoly with my Grandmother as a child and her getting all bitchy when she lost because she was always drunk and then when I let her win she’d get bitchy because I was letting her win. Still, she’ll be dead soon so whose the real winner.

  10. rae says:

    1. my friends and I always fought over what babysitters club character we could be. I was always very upset that the more popular girl in my group wouldnt let me be dawn. I never even read the books…

    2. At some point my friend convinced me that it was ok to write in a wet sidewalk on our street. She swore up and down she knew them and it was cool. So we got down and I wrote the coolest thing I could think of “Drop Dead Fred” because this was my favorite movie at the time. Coincidentally, this was also the name of the guy who owned the sidewalk.

    3. I was so obsessed with Jim Carrey as a child that i had a framed magazine photo of him beside my bed.

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