Be aggressive. Be-e aggressive. Bees aggressive. Bees are aggressive. Bees want to fucking kill you.

Of all the insects in the world bees are my least favorite. This is how I know I was not Hitler in a past life. I have befriended more Jews than bees I have seen and not wanted to kill. Over the course of the next few words that you read, I hope you too can learn to hate bees as much as I do.

Yellow-and-black-bees1

My first interaction with bees occurred when I was around 4 years old. I know I was still young enough where I was not in school but old enough where other kids were making fun of me. I was in a friend’s backyard when a bee began to circle above me. Like the passionate and loving person I am, I opened my hands for the bee to have a place to land. Do you want to take a guess what the cocksucker did? He fucked my hand. That’s right, this bee took out its sharp dick and began making love to my palm. It hurt. I was bee-raped in the hand.

Ever since that day I felt a hatred for all things bees. The first person I ever killed was someone who dressed up as the Blind Melon bumblebee girl. The second person I killed used Burt’s Bees moisturizer. The third person enjoyed Honey Nut Cheerios. I have only killed four people so the list stops there. If I had to guess though, the next person I kill will be someone holding a can of bumblebee tuna. Then again, this might be doing them a favor. Most people who eat tuna do it because they hope the mercury inside kills them.

blind melon bee girl

(She grew up to look pretty normal. She’s also probably more famous than anyone from the actual band Blind Melon)

I managed to avoid bees for a while. Once I saw My Girl and realized how they are capable of so much evil they would kill Macauley Culkin, I vowed to stay away. My next encounter happened while at a park made almost entirely of tires. It was not as trashy as this sounds. On a side note, this park was the place I last pooped my pants. Thought I’d throw that in there because I totally forgot to write about it in my Playgrounds post.

While at Tire Park, I was climbing on the equipment with the same friend whose backyard I was hand-fucked by the bee in. We apparently disturbed a nest and out came hundreds of bees. I hate how bees always travel in packs. It’s like they’re clingy girlfriends who never can be alone. I was only stung once and managed to escape with my life.

tire park

(I swear the playground was a lot more fun than I make it sound)

I took this as a sign the bees were ready for war. I spent all of recess in second grade stomping on bees while they eat from flowers or whatever it is they do to flowers. One time I saw a bunch of ants eating a dead bee. It was the coolest thing I ever saw.

My best battle with a bee came while at home. A bee had flown up behind the curtain covering our back door. Our back door had a glass frame which means I am not strong enough to punch through glass. I saw the bee stop on the door and with a furious fist I launched my hand forward and crushed the bee between my knuckles and the door I thought it would reside on. It did not splatter. The bee simply fell to the ground dead as a motherfucker. Motherfuckers of course being the current thing we are supposed to call Neanderthals, or at least that’s what I think I read on Yahoo.

evolution-of-man

(There are no motherfuckers pictured here. These are all Homo sapiens, or as I read in the same article, cocksucker sapiens)

It seemed like bees had gotten the message. I was not a man to be messed with. They called off their army until one day when I was around 19. I was sitting on the couch one July afternoon when I heard a bee buzzing. I never saw the bee but I heard it. The sound of the buzzing made me feel sick. I began coughing. It felt like there was something stuck in my throat. This cough continued for 6 more months. It took until I took up jogging for a few months after seeing a live taping of Maury for me to lose the cough. Not until I exercised could I lift the curse of the bee.

I have had minimal interactions with bees since because I’m simply not outside enough. I also don’t fear death as much as I did when I was younger and full of hope so I’m more willing to go up to one and smash him without fear. When I think about it more deeply maybe the bees were trying to send me a message. My bad cough did motivate me to get healthy. It was one of the factors why I quit drinking the first time I did. Bees were trying to save me from alcoholism. Bees were trying to get me to start caring about my cardiovascular health. Bees made me incredibly boring at parties.

Fuck bees.

Related Information: Killing Bugs

Comments
  1. SingingTuna says:

    I can’t read this now. I can’t even look at the pictures without panicking.
    Bees have been trying to annihilate me for decades. Once when I was driving on the Atlantic City Expressway a wasp (OK, they’re not bee-bees but they’re the little f%&*ers who hate me) flew inside my tee shirt and gouged a massive wasp-hole in me while I going 60mph. GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly ran off the road trying to swat it dead.

    Just wait until it’s warm out. I’ll post about the cicada-killer wasps that live in the backyard and are 4 inches long. You won’t want to read that one. They don’t even bother stinging. They just get down to business and bite. I don’t go outside after the middle of July.

    I’d give you an empathetic hug before I leave but YOU ATTRACT BEEEES, too!!!!!! I can’t stay here another second. I’ll be back to read everything later when it’s dark out and they can’t see to fly. The little sh*ts.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad you appreciate my hatred for bees. I wrote a post I think last summer about my hatred of cicadas. I hate that noise they make. Anything that flies and doesn’t have a flight attendant on it should be squashed.

  2. Pen says:

    Don’t read or watch Stephen King’s short story (made into an episode of Nightmares & Dreamscapes) “The End of the Whole Mess”.

    Especially if you also have issues with Alzheimer’s.

    And “My Girl” was a terribly depressing movie.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m guessing it’s about bees? I saw a Made for TV movie years ago about a bee attack. I remember a character hiding in the bath tub under water with a snorkel until they left. Do bees just leave?

      • Pen says:

        Haha. It involves a cure for war/anger/hate being inspired by the difference between bees and wasps. I just figured you’d get all angrily offended when they say “bees are harmless, unlike wasps” 😉

        I have been lucky enough to avoid a direct confrontation with bees, so I have no idea whether they have a time limit on their desire for human flesh.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Until they taste that sweet nectar running through our veins, that’s their time limit. They’re awful creatures. Trust me on this.

      • Pen says:

        Trust me, “Candyman” was terrifying enough without having personally experienced a horde of bees. I shall maintain my distance.

  3. Lily says:

    I don’t mind bumble bees so much. They just want to get pollen and then leave. Sometimes when I lay out at the park, they buzz around me, but they never land on me because they know I have nothing to give them. However, I hate yellowjackets. Or wasps or whatever. They are the worst and I wouldn’t mind if they all died. BUT did you know that if all the bees in the world died, humans wouldn’t be able to survive? True story.

    When I was three a bee got in the back of my shirt and stung me 3 times. So fun.

  4. joehoover says:

    Are you sure they are bees? It’s usually wasps who run amok and bees get the blame. Wasps are usually a lot bolder, they hitch a ride on your train and cause havoc and they go for my pint of beer aswell. I draw a line there, it touches my beer and I’m glassing the fucker.

    • Mooselicker says:

      The only time it was probably a wasp was at the tire park. The other times I am certain it was a bee. I hate their fuzziness. I’m squirming just thinking about it.

  5. rossmurray1 says:

    I think you need therabee.

  6. benzeknees says:

    I also hate bees! But I hate hornets more because hornets are just plain mean – they will dive bomb you & chase you!

    • Mooselicker says:

      I blame Moses. Why did he take these bugs on his boat with him? I bet there was a hornets nest on the boat and he didn’t realize. Hopefully the History Channel’s The Bible can shed some light on this issue.

  7. The Waiting says:

    One time when I was in college, I was driving around town with my friends one day with the windows rolled down. While we were stopped at a red light, some guy in the car next to me yelled over to me asking if I was the Bee Girl from the Blind Melon video. This remains one of the most bizarre moments of my adult life.

    My main complaint abut bees is that when I was teaching elementary school, I felt like all the kids’ textbooks had like 1,000 stories/books about bees in them. I got to be so sick of reading about them. It’s like, we get it, bees; you’re awesome. Now leave me alone.

  8. Pete Howorth says:

    I was stung by a bee once, woke up in hospital a day later. Even Superman has his kryptonite. Now when I see bee’s I hit them with whatever I’m carrying. And if I’m not carrying anything, I just hide behind the person stood next to me.

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    When I was a kid, I saw the movie killer bees…I already had an aversion, but this turned it into a full blown phobia…melissophobia? Killed the spelling I’m sure.

    The kids in my life find it hilarious when I jump up and run away from the buzzing sound.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I’m glad to see kids are still cruel and insensitive. I would hate if it stopped after my generation. Killer Bees kind of died out once the Internet became popular. Nobody has a reason to leave the house anymore.

  10. Don’t be a don’t-bee… be a doobie… Ha!

  11. […] I find a funny blogger who posts on a regular basis, I am insta-hooked. Last week, I discovered Mooselicker. Dude is funny as shit, I can’t wait to have time to actually read all of his posts, but the […]

  12. […] I find a funny blogger who posts on a regular basis, I am insta-hooked. Last week, I discovered Mooselicker. Dude is funny as shit, I can’t wait to have time to actually read all of his posts, but the […]

  13. rae says:

    bees are the devil’s insect.
    Also, once they kill google reader i will probably never remember to read your blog. So you should remind facebooks often.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Why are they killing Google Reader? I don’t even know what that is.

      All of my posts go up on Facebook so all you have to do is check there. Or forget about me completely. I tend to accept either one because I don’t like confrontation.

  14. Matt says:

    Hi, I do believe this is an excellent web site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I am going to
    return once again since i have bookmarked it. Money and freedom
    is the best way to change, may you be rich and continue to
    guide others.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s