For the second year in a row I was unsure how to approach this topic. When one of the next things I plan to post on this blog is about how I think a popular 90s song is about blow jobs how do I cover such a sensitive subject as I plan to today?

Today is the two-year anniversary of my mother’s death. In this time I’ve had time to experience everything there is to when you lose someone. I’ve felt sadness, anger, and most of all annoyance at everyone else for a million difference reasons. I’m saving my rant on how most people come off as complete idiots when death is involved for something else. I’ll just say the best thing I feel I’ve ever written is based on this terrible thing that happened to me. I entered it into a contest so cross your fingers they’re not looking for an Asian woman to win like so many other contests are. Diversity can bite me.

diversity

(This is one of the first pictures that comes up when searching for diversity. Look who’s missing. The inventor of the light bulb, the car, the airplane, the telephone, the computer, every founder of America, a lot of great people, etc. Why are white males the bad guys now?)

I don’t bring this up for sympathy (okay, maybe a little). I bring this up because it feels strange not to acknowledge. I have also met so many other people through this blog in the last year and it’s always a weird thing to bring up. I almost always try to tell anyone new I meet that I no longer have a mother because eventually it will come up. Indeed I have been guilty of making it more awkward than it had to be. What can I say, I enjoy making people think I hate them.

I could go on forever about my reaction, experiences, and whatnot from the day of, the days that followed, up until now. It’s something I think about almost every day. It’s not so much a sad thing anymore. It’s just something that happened that I can never change or live regretting having done things differently. Her death happened sudden and unexpected which I won’t say is harder, but the shock takes a while to wear-off. And no, she was not shot. Would I have really titled this bullet points if she had been?

With all that said here are some random bullet pointed memories I have of my mom. They’re all nice ones. Today’s not a day to behave like a huge dick, maybe only an infant penis.

infant

(He was very offended by my comment. Or she was. I don’t know. All babies look-alike)

-I was so fat when I was younger my mom would put my baseball uniform over the back rest of her rocking chair to stretch it out. They didn’t make baseball uniforms big enough for my fat boy’s body. We had to improvise.

-I was still so fat when I was younger my mom had to improvise once again when in 5th grade we were given orange safety patrol sashes to wear. Safety patrol was a program the 5th graders were involved in where we did things like collect morning attendance or do the announcements. I’m not sure what my job was. I faked sick the day we selected so I never had to do anything. Anyway, my mom asked the school for a second safety patrol belt so I could actually fit in it. She somehow programmed it so it was now larger and her fat son could appear more normal.

3 col for tara

(Like this except orange and close to 100 pounds bigger)

-To get me to stop biting my nails (which I don’t do, I pick them) my mom would take away my action figures (we called them guys) and put them in something called Guy Jail. Guy Jail was usually a box. She would check my hands once a week and if they didn’t look improved she would take some of them away. She only did this once, most of the time they were hollow threats. I remember crying so hard when I saw Foot Soldiers from the Ninja Turtles falling into a box that used to hold a window fan.

-My mom was not very athletic as most straight mothers tend to not be. Still, she would go out in the backyard with me sometimes and throw a tennis ball to me. Most of my spring, summer, and autumn afternoons/days were spent throwing a tennis ball against our back wall imagining out an entire fictional baseball league. She hated how throwing the ball against the wall would break the shingles so she got involved.

-For over a year my mom and I would watch Jeopardy together and keep score. We got so into it she bought me the video game. The problem with the video game was she couldn’t figure out how to type her answer. It was very aggravating having to type it out for her. I felt like I was helping the enemy.

xbox_738x272v2

(I thought video game graphics were supposed to be good. Does Alex Trebek really look like this now? He looks terrible)

-My mom only got to see me perform stand-up comedy once for some reason. I think she was afraid I might not feel comfortable. It was one of my first times on stage and it went very well. She enjoyed it despite the fact I was so green all I talked about were dicks and shitting on people.

-The last time I saw my mom alive was when she came to my work to give me new bed sheets and a mattress pad. The mattress pad is waterproof and because of this she put it in a bag so no one would see. She figured my coworkers might think I wet the bed. I have those bed sheets on my bed right now. She’d be very upset how much they are due for a wash.

jesus_walks_on_water_900x600

(LEGO Jesus walking on water. I forget how this was relevant but it’s awesome)

There are a lot more memories, but you get the point. The saddest thing about losing someone is all you have left are the memories and there are never any new ones. The best thing you can do is build up as many memories as you can. Write them down, share them with others, and never forget how even when everyone else seems to be against you that there still are a few people who care, support, and love you more than you will ever comprehend.

Related Reading: Favorite Things

Comments
  1. A year ago we realized we both had losses on the same day. Love your last paragraph – so true.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lauren. Even more so thanks for remembering. It’s always hard to know other people’s lives continue on as if nothing has changed while everything for you has changed. I hope you’re doing well with your own memories.

  2. The last two lines are wonderful. Build up those memories and remember that there are people who care, support and love you beyond your comprehension. This is true. Two years is still such a short time. I’m sure a day doesn’t go by that you don’t think of your mom – even briefly. Why do love and pain have to be so intrinsically tied to each other? It’s easy to understand why people guard against vulnerability, intimacy and love. No one in their right mind would sign up casually for the chance to experience that pain again.
    I love reading about the memories. I know your mother loved you deeply and is close by, with you every day in spirit. xoxo

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Lisa. I always value and appreciate your opinion on anything and know you’re one of those people looking out for me. Even though I don’t remember my mom much during happy times in her life I still have plenty of great memories that make me laugh or love more than they make me cry.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    This is a beautiful post..your last paragraph says it all regarding our loved ones who are still here with us. Capture every moment. So sorry for your loss. Sudden is shocking. Take care.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you. I’m fortunate to hold onto details so I remember mostly everything people so or do to me. For middle school bullies it’s terrible. For a loved one who has passed it’s great.

  4. The very first scary dream I could remember was my mother dying because of some freak accident while I’m playing hopscotch less than ten feet away.I wet my pillows and my sheets when I woke up. It remains vivid up to this day.

    I could never imagine the pain you must have felt/are feeling. 😦 If I’d lose my ma…I really don’t want to think about it.

    Your mom sounds goofy, and like she’s a great Tim-lover. At least you got all these memories on the internet. Now it won’t get lost, not even if you develop some organic brain disease.

    I should go and give mama a bear hug. I’ve been a spoiled brat these past two days, thanks for reminding.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha I’m always up for destroying a spoiled brat. Let that mama of yours know how much her little baby cares about her. Because of course you’ll always be a baby in her eyes.

  5. Addie says:

    I love this whole post and those last lines were spectacular. Hugs to you, dear Tim.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Addie. You’re someone I can always count on for help.

      P.S. I submitted the thing you helped me with to a contest last week. I won’t find out for a while, but it’s something to forget about then pump my fist once I find out I won. I’m pretty sure that was October or November I sent that to. How has half a year gone by?

  6. SingingTuna says:

    No words.
    ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

  7. Lily says:

    Your mom posts are always so kind. It’s refreshing because you’re usually so gross. Jk kinda not really. I say this all the time, but your mom sounds like a really great person and I’m glad that you had her in your life. I’m glad you have so many good memories with her. She’s totally smiling down on you, happy about the great person you turned out to be.

  8. benzeknees says:

    My husband lost his mother about 10 years ago & he still thinks about her almost every day. There are many things that activate his memories. His mother’s death also affected me very much. I grew up in an abusive home with very little affection. Hubby’s mother was very kind to me. A couple weeks before she passed away from 2 strokes, I had to have my gallbladder removed & because we lived 8 hours away from the hospital I stayed with her. I had complications so I spent almost a week in her company without my hubby around & we got very close, so I took her death very hard. Although I don’t think of her every day, I remember her often.
    I hope you continue to remember the good things about your mother.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thank you. It’s nice to know we were able to have that connection with someone though isn’t it? I hope with your husband and even you it’s less sadness and more remembering the good times. It’s tough and something we all have to deal with, a few times over.

  9. Now I am feeling bad for you again. But that was both funny and very moving, so I suppose I will get over it.

  10. Pixie Girl says:

    This is really lovely. Those memories… in a way that is all that is left, but this is the true legacy. It makes me all reflective now…

  11. tinkadele says:

    It’s always good to talk and share such fond memories, these things keep a person alive in our hearts and minds. I recently reached the one year anniversary of my grandmother’s passing and this post made me realise that we’re often too quick to try and deal with things on our own! We shouldn’t, this is such a nice way of commemorating a loved one.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Adele. I never like taking anything too seriously, especially not myself. It’s strange how fast these things can go by and how they always swing back again. I enjoy keeping memories and sharing them. It can make someone’s life so much bigger.

  12. rae says:

    This was a really awesome post. Its good that you have some great memories (even stretching out the shirt..in my opinion the BEST memory because that is obviously true motherly love lol)
    I dont know any of the details but i do know that any mother would be proud of the things you have accomplished (what little i am privy to)
    🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Thanks Rae! It’s funny, everyone in my family seemed to enjoy the stretching of the shirt memory when they brought up this blog post to me.

      And thanks for the kind words. It’s easy to please some parents. All she ever wanted was for me to not be an evil person. I think I’m doing okay with that.

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