Last Sunday (not yesterday) I attended my town’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade. I would name what town the parade takes place in, but I live on the actual street it goes down and would hate for some psychopath to read this then come to my apartment and suck my dick. Seriously, why are people paranoid about saying where they live? I only don’t give out my address because I would hate to get junk mail from you.
(Oh I get it, you guys watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Green Man right? Cool. You have cable and watch a popular show. Is it wrong to hope those two guys suffocate?)
Onto the actual parade, it was very average at best. I don’t think I’ve seen a St. Patrick’s Day Parade ever before so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. The last time I saw any parade live was probably when I was 5. My only memory is having popsicle on my face. This is why parades need more nudity, children don’t remember them.
I went outside 20 minutes after the parade was supposed to begin because I always like to arrive fashionably late. People would see me come outside so late then think “Wow he was probably up there in his apartment with some hot babe” when really I was running late because I was paying overdue bills and eating cereal. This is what life is all about, fooling people into thinking you’re better than you really are.
Without any particular destination I began walking up the street away from the area I knew all the Portuguese live. Nothing against the Portuguese people, but I would rather avoid you if I can. You’re hardcore European and don’t look it. My mind gets confused.
It was amazing how many people were outside standing on the street. I expected maybe a few hundred scattered around. I would predict there were about 10,000 people outside standing around in green t-shirts, waving the flags of Ireland, and getting piss drunk. These people were mostly white and either formed packs of families, drunk young people, and weekend dads with a child. Do you want to know what’s sad? I felt most attached to the weekend dads with their child. All the drunk whores walking around and I felt more at ease standing near deadbeat dads with young children.
I walked all the way to the end of the parade then crossed the street and began to walk toward the beginning of it. Take note that the parade had not even come by yet. I was simply walking through a large group of neighbors hoping one might touch my butt. None did. I need to start wearing a fake butt.
(“I gotta get me one of these.” – Will Smith)
I made it to a point where the parade finally started to come through. I continued walking though because I did not feel I had a good spot where I wouldn’t look too creepy being the only person under 80 standing around watching a parade alone. Eventually I walked back the other way and finally planted myself near a small tree and garbage can. Standing between the tree and the garbage can looked like an evolution chart of how respected these three items are by society, me in the middle.
I had to make sure I got a good spot where I could see the actual performances. They were things like military people twirling guns or slutty high school girls singing. The best parts were when I saw a midget twirling a baton and when I saw a girl in an electronic wheelchair leading the marching band. I’m all for giving the disabled equal opportunities, but isn’t half the battle the marching part? All she did was hold a banner with another kid who looked annoyed.
Probably the best performance in the parade was the Irish step dancers. One in particular won my heart. She had an obvious Irish face, long curly dark hair, and an ass you could…what’s something you could do with a really nice ass? I mean this thing was bonkers. I honestly think I might kill a family member to touch this girl’s ass. Not kill them brutally or drag things out or anything. I’m not sick. Trust me if you saw this girl’s butt you would go home and think about killing yourself because you know you would never get a chance to stick your head in it. What value does life have anymore? I’m literally going to try finding her on Facebook now and hope she’s 18.
(She’s not pictured here. I actually did find a picture of her on Facebook though. Why have I never gotten a job as a Private Investigator? I found everything out about everyone)
My other observations from the parade are young people curse way too much, parades are mostly fat old people sitting, and I’m more into asses than boobs. I only managed to have two conversations with all these people out there. The first happened while I was passing the frozen yogurt shop. A girl holding out free samples offered me one. A free sample of the frozen yogurt, not of the girl. The other conversation I had was with a drunken prostitute who bumped into me then apologized. I don’t know for a fact she is a prostitute but will assume so because she was drunk and bumping into people at 3 in the afternoon.
The parade came to an end soon after and the citizens cleared out. It was almost sad in a way. Everyone came out to see this big community gathering and before we knew it things were over with. We all retired back to our dwellings to probably never see each other again.
The only other noteworthy event that happened was I think two high school girls thought I was following them. They also know where I live now because they were sitting outside my apartment when I went inside. What would I even do with a high school girl though? Help them with their homework? I’m always years late to the party.