Everything is better live. Comedy, theater, eating, sex, and punching an enemy in the balls are all perfect examples. The hard part about live shows is deciding which one is right for you. Here in the piece, and it is a piece after all because it’s a work of art, I will quickly summarize a few popular live shows for you in as few words as possible.

Blue Man Group – Smurfs hitting objects with other objects while lasers shoot all over the place.

Stomp – Blue Man Group with black people dancing.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra – Christmas music being played loudly.

Penn & Teller – Tall man with ponytail yelling loudly while short man does not speak, card tricks included.

Carrot Top – Bullied Ginger takes common objects and makes them less funny.

Cirque de Soleil – Foreign people bending in weird positions acting as an aphrodisiac for old unflexible bystanders.

Criss Angel – Robert Smith from The Cure without a singing voice deciding to waste our time.

David Blaine – Vin Diesel with higher endurance and dumber ideas.

Every One Man Show – A former alcoholic talking about his childhood in a tough neighborhood.

Every Comedy Show – More than one former alcoholic talking about their childhoods in tough neighborhoods.

Wicked – Green lady wearing black clothes and being mean to midgets.

The Lion King – Creepy live version of what was a much better cartoon film.

The Book of Mormon – Two hours of gay jokes.

Jersey Boys – Italian guys nobody remembers singing.

Anything Burlesque Related – Women with self-esteem issues dancing for men with self-esteem issues.

Phantom of the Opera – Lessons about how ugly people can have kind hearts but still act really creepy and get the girl.

Do you have any to contribute to this list of cynicism?

band application form live music downtown san jose

(They couldn’t get a picture of an actual band? Just some 10 year old with a guitar? His pants aren’t even long enough. I bet they pay their performers in Diet Cokes)

 

Comments
  1. Carter says:

    DJ nights — a live event that is barely live at all: watching your friends perform a task that iPods have rendered mostly irrelevant in a sweaty venue. Bonus points for realizing your friends have shitty taste in music

  2. You really summed those up nicely. You just saved me a lot of money in ticket costs. Thanks, Tim!!!

  3. Very nice. I suppose I could point out that the ‘live sex’ thing can be taken several ways, but why quibble?

  4. SingingTuna says:

    Hahahahaaa!!!!!
    :: applause::

  5. Laura4NYC says:

    the nutcracker – biggest rip-off of the year!

  6. Hmm…Cirque du Soleil does give me a boner.

  7. Lily says:

    Can I just point out that Stomp JUST came to Canada? I’m dying. I’ve never had any interest in seeing the Lion King on stage. It seems stupid and African-y.
    Does Criss Angel really have a show? I thought he just walked around and did weird stuff?

  8. Smaktakula says:

    These are great–particularly the burlesque. I’d take issue, however, with the idea that punching an enemy feels better in real life. Punching anybody hurts your hands something terrible.

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