I remember writing up a piece a while ago that I never posted because it seemed like I was too nutty. I have since posted many insane things on this blog and no longer worry about what you think of me. That’s actually not true. I care a lot. Do you love me? Please tell me you love me. I want to be loved.

In this piece, and it is a piece because it is a work of art, I will list out what makes someone a garbage blogger. Actually, to be fair they’re more garbage human beings who happen to blog. I don’t want to put down anything someone writes about because that’s their choice. To be what I will now refer to as a Garbage Blogger you have to do a few things you wouldn’t normally do in life. Here they are. Hopefully you don’t do too many.

1) Liking every post you see on WordPress

Nobody could possibly have as much time to read these blog posts as some people click the Like button on blogs. That sentence was poorly written yet some asshole will still click Like on this post without calling me out on poorly written sentences. Do you know why? Because they didn’t read shit. Stop trying to promote your own blog through your avatar. Your face has a creepy mole on it and your smile sucks.

king john mole

(Please never post pictures online if you have a mole. I always think my computer screen needs to be cleaned)

2) Making it too obvious you didn’t read and pretending you read every word

It’s fine to scan through a blog post. If it was any good it would be in the Smithsonian right? I think most of us have those days where we want the gist of things then leaving a courteous comment. That’s fine. A garbage blogger is someone who continually says something generic. Their strategy with this is to hope other people see their stupid comment then other stupid bloggers click over to their place then click the Follow button. I know this is why they do it because I did it once. I immediately gave myself 100 lashes with a whip because I hated myself so much.

flagellation

(He’s wasting his flexibility. Teach yoga dude)

3) Being generally creepy

Please do not use blogs to pick up women. That is, unless they continually bother you by commenting on your blog and saying flirtatious things back. The only reason I do anything is because I hope to one day impregnate as many women as possible. This is called being a man. I can get away with it though because I understand who I should and can say dirty nasty things to. I also use a real picture of myself and I’m a real person with personality, not some anonymous idiot. Stop being creepy to women online. It lowers my chances at gorilla masking them.

gorilla mask

(Not exactly what I meant, but you can never find a good gorilla masking picture when you need one)

4) Rebloggers

The few times people have reblogged something I wrote it was awesome and flattering. About half the time it was people who genuinely enjoyed the post and wanted to share it with others. The other half it was some random foreign person whose entire blog was reblogs. What’s the point in this? It’s not some super kind Pay it Forward gesture. It’s stalking and thievery. Please don’t steal my stuff. I barely worked on it and you taking it will make people think I’m legitimate. I cannot handle the pressure.

payitforward

(He’s not trying to create kindness, he’s trying to build the world’s largest human centipede. We missed the point of the film!)

5) Non-repliers

I despise when I leave someone a comment on their blog and they do not respond back. Seriously, these people are terrorists. I would rather save a member of Al-Qaeda from a burning building than someone who doesn’t reply to my comments. Then again, if Al-Qaeda members are in a burning building they probably are the ones who lit it on fire. Is it too hard to reply to a comment on a blog? Christopher Reeve could have replied to a blog comment with some weird blinking device it’s so easy. Please always reply. You’re garbage if you don’t. Unless the person commenting is garbage. Then you’re a trashman.

Is there anything I missed? I know there must be. Five is a really short list. Imagine if Schindler’s list was this short. The Nazis would have probably not even noticed he was helping them escape to freedom or whatever happens in the movie. I don’t remember it much. My favorite scene is still the one with the fat secretary.

Comments
  1. I can always be sure that I’ll like my friend’s posts because they’re tried and true. On my friend’s posts I hit like before I’ve even read it. Truth. If after I read it and it’s upsetting or sickens me I might unlike it. Haha!
    I’m one of those people who just throws my life and thoughts down. I don’t care about my stats or who likes or follows me. I write for myself and I’m not a “writer” so my attitude is open and easy.

    I think there are plenty of perusers out there with their generic comments as if we can’t see through that. What’s the point of that? You’re always thoughtful Tim and so am I so I think we’re allowed to be turned off by that sort of thing.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Agreed! – a bad unthoughtful response to a thoughtful comment

      I usually click Like right away too. I don’t know if I have ever clicked Unlike. I don’t really care about stats all too much anymore. What good is it if you know most people only go to your site to steal the pictures? Unless it’s in the millions it really doesn’t matter how many people go to your blog.

      I’m not sure who I dislike more, the generic commenters or the people who I know didn’t read anything and never do. We’ve all seen their faces everywhere. I am glad you are in agreement that these people are scum, my words not yours. Have something valuable to say or don’t say anything at all. Unless you have an ongoing relationship with the person then I don’t expect every response to be an epic one.

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    The rebloggers are disheartening because you think, “Hey, someone digs my post!” And then you discover it’s a chronic Russian reblogger. And also porn. True Russian reblogger story.

  3. We do love you… you are like the sweet special needs kid in our family.
    I should not even click ‘like’, just to show I am not that guy.
    Then you typed some other stuff that I didn’t have time to read.
    Do you have any hot female friends?
    If I was going to reblog one of your posts, it sure the hell wouldn’t be this one…
    HA!!!

  4. Lily says:

    I think we’ve talked about most of these, but I just want to reiterate that I hate when people don’t respond back to your comment. So annoying. I have been guilty of using the “reader” to just go down an like a bunch of posts. I’m not gonna lie. But if I take the time to comment, I’ve usually read the entire post. I feel like I’m a garbage blogger now.

    • Mooselicker says:

      You’re trash.

      I think you know you’re not a garbage blogger and even if I thought you were I wouldn’t tell you. You know the people who do all of these things though. It’s the sincerity that matters and some people never have it.

  5. renxkyoko says:

    Well, at least I have never reblogged. I post 2x a month, so I don’t want my post just a reblog of someone else’s posts. But I understand some bloggers reblog really outstanding posts. They need to be shared wiith as many readers as possible. ( like this one that I just read…. a guy works with ” special needs” people, and there’s this one special needs person who is really special…. the guy made him his best man at his wedding. that’s so touching )

    • Mooselicker says:

      There’s nothing wrong with reblogging. I don’t like bloggers whose entire blog is reblogging and it’s clear they do it to drive up traffic and for no other reason.

  6. SingingTuna says:

    LikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLike
    LikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLikeLike

    OK…LOVE this. You said it all. These are some of the reasons why I get fed up being here (and other sites). It’s the GARBAGE Bloggers!!!!! They’re EVERYWHERE!!!!

    Thank you for putting it all together in on comprehensive rant. Do you mind if I call it a rant? Maybe it isn’t because you probably didn’t yell while typing, the way I do when I rant. It’s a compliment, anyway.

    Funny precision-rants are tough to find. I like it so much I’m going to “Like” it.
    🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha it wasn’t a rant because I remained pretty calm. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who experiences these garbage bloggers. I make it a point to interact with them as little as possible.

  7. twindaddy says:

    Great article. Keep up the good work and I’ll come back! 😉

  8. calahan says:

    My favorite spam comments are the ones that don’t even make any sense: “Great article. The information was exactly what I was needing to look for. I am amazed by your expertise on this subject.”

  9. 1jaded1 says:

    1-4 not guilty. 5…possibly and not intentionally. am I going to hell?

  10. breezyk says:

    I’m guilty of not responding to comments sometimes. I mean terrorist. I’m clearly a terrorist.

  11. Smaktakula says:

    These are great points, and I wanted to respond by leaving some generic comment (#2), but I didn’t know how to do it and make it look like it was on purpose.

    There are a couple fairly popular bloggers who engage in the “general comment” kind of thing. Always, “Great post!” or something like that, but little else.

    However, in defense of “likers,” I do read posts and then simply leave a “like” rather than a comment. These tend to be poetry or fiction, however. Also, although I can be a grammar snob, a spelling error or poorly-phrased line isn’t gonna stop me from liking something. If it did, I’m sure Karma would get me hard, because even with proofreading, I can make some pretty moronic mistakes.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Not to sound like I’m backtracking, but if someone like you was to Like my posts and never comment it would be different. I am referring to certain people who NEVER comment and I will see their faces on EVERY blog. Did you see that? I Caps Locked.

      I try not to Like a post and not comment, but I agree with poetry it can be tough. What do you say? “Wow you rhymed water with daughter. Didn’t see that coming.” So you’re not garbage to me.

  12. Great post. Thank you for stopping by my site and liking and leaving a comment. I like what you are doing here – looking forward to see more. I will follow you and would be honored if you would follow me.

  13. benzeknees says:

    I do 2 of the things you mentioned:
    1) I sometimes will only hit the LIKE button if I’ve read a blog (& I only do this if I’ve actually read the blog), but I am not sure what to say as a comment. If I didn’t like whatever the post was about or how it was written, I’ll just back away with no like or comment (unless I’m feeling cheeky).
    2) I try to reply to every comment someone makes on my blog, but sometimes if someone writes something, I’ve replied & then they’ve commented back again – I might not be in the mood for a long conversation.

    • Mooselicker says:

      1) I should have probably just called the bloggers out by name. Oddly enough none of them Liked this post which means maybe they are reading it? You don’t have to comment all the time. I get suspicious though when 5 seconds after posting I already have a like from the same people.

      2) You only need to reply to the first comment. Sometimes more is polite, but never necessary. Bloggers are sad lonely people and you are an awesome person. Can you blame them for wanting to talk to you longer?

      • benzeknees says:

        Sometimes I’m in a mood for banter & can comment back & forth for quite a while, sometimes I just want to comment once. I go with whatever I’m feeling at the time!

  14. This is awesome! But now I’m afraid to LIKE, share or re-blog it. Oh, crap! Now I’ve commented, too. I sure hope I responded to your comment if you commented on my blog. Oh, crap! I mentioned my blog. Now I feel stalker creepy. Bye.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I probably should have made this more clear. Look through enough blogs and you will see enough faces that never comment Liking. I put you on my blogroll. I wouldn’t do that to garbage (except for that one person….) I’m going to leave it there and try to start up some controversy.

  15. By the way, you missed the garbage “followers”, the ones who only do it praying you’ll return the favor.

    • Mooselicker says:

      I think we all kind of hope they will. I mean, not always. I don’t expect everyone to comment on every post as some people I don’t comment on theirs. But you’re right. There are certain people we will notice only comment when you comment them. I usually have one non-blogger pay me a compliment each post so at least I know somebody is reading.

      • I should have been clearer. I like it when people I follow follow me back. It’s flattering, because I don’t follow anyone if I don’t genuinely like what they’ve got to share.

        What I mean is those people who follow you yet don’t like/comment/read any of your stuff after. What’s the point, right? Are they just hoping you’ll follow back to boost up the number of their followers? Is that a “stats” thing? Yeah whatever. I wish those people will just click unfollow. They’re garbage bloggers to me whatever their excuse is.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Oh yeah those people are weird. Even if they only comment once, like the first time, it’s cool. But then they never comment sometimes and it’s like why bother? Like when an old friend adds you on Facebook then never says anything. Why? What’s the point?

  16. Pete Howorth says:

    I have a mole 😦 aside from that excellent list. The people that follow you just in the hopes of getting a follow back only to unfollow you a week later pisses me off. Or those that follow you, comment to tell you to visit their shitty two bit blog that won’t even last a week and then you never see them again. Die of AIDs.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Do you have a lot of people comment about visiting their blog? Ugh that’s the worse. I had someone do that on my baseball blog. All they said was “Want to see another great sports blog? Check out [link]” I put that straight into the spam folder 🙂

      • Pete Howorth says:

        I don’t even approve the comments a lot of the time, I just leave them there in limbo and then if they do return they’ll wonder why I’m ignoring them yet speaking to others. Hopefully one of them will think “Wow maybe I’m a prick?”

  17. Cafe says:

    LMAO. Perfectly said. That shit makes me not enjoy blogging, seriously. I still remember back when my blog was maybe two months old and I had like maybe 8 followers, and you and another person might comment on a post lol. There is something kinda nice about those days when I knew that anyone who was there on my blog was actually there to read my shit. 🙂

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know what you mean. I like that there are some people who come around occasionally as well as people who come around all the time. I really don’t blame people for maybe subscribing then not coming back. Who knows if they just lost interest or didn’t have the time anymore? Plus I find out people do read and never actually comment which is fine too. It’s those serial “Likers” who annoy me the most. They’re clearly just out to promote their own blog, which is never very good. I also hate generic comments from people, unless of course they have left genuine ones in the past. Not everything has to be unique. At least put out an effort like you read more than a paragraph.

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