Have you ever had someone tell you that a song reminded them of you? I think it only happened once for me. At least once that is worthy of writing about. I’m sure I remind lots of people about lots of songs. It’s amazing the things I will see or hear that remind me of other people. Every time I see a pork sandwich I think of this one girl I know who likes anal. Luckily I hardly ever see pork sandwiches. Even better, I hardly ever see Rachel “Backdoor” Rodriguez. She can no longer stand up straight anymore and it’s creepy.

The girl who told me I reminded her of two different songs was a lady who defined how much more wonderful MySpace was copmared to Facebook. Whenever I friend request random girls on Facebook they ask me who I am and I have to tell them I’m just a guy who thought she had nice breasts. Back on MySpace though, girls would actually add me to their friend’s list. I know I haven’t gone downhill from there because I’m thinner, sharper in the face, and a lot sassier than ever before. So why don’t wonderful things like this happen to me anymore?

sassy pants haley

(I was trying to find a picture of pants that said “sassy” on them but instead saw that Haley Joel Osmont has lost his dignity)

I forget how she found me but she did. She was the sister of one of my friend’s neighbor. So we were pretty much twins. I actually never ended up meeting her in person despite the fact we probably talked a lot online for close to two years. She didn’t live far away at all and we did have mutual associates. There was one factor that made me hesitant to ever actually hangout, I was almost 18 and she was in 8th grade.

Let’s pause for a moment before you start to think this is some sick pedophile story. Like I said, we never met. We never even talked dirty or anything like that. I’m being completely honest here too. The only time sex was even brought up was when I posted a MySpace bulletin (remember those?) asking if anyone wanted to blow me, you know, just to see what people’s opinions on the topic were. It was a school assignment. I got two messages. One was from a Goth girl in Massachusetts. The other was someone who would have gotten me locked up in prison.

sassy_pants_1072659_199768

(The Goth girl from Massachusetts pictured on the left)

My relationship with this girl was a very strange one. She would come to me for brotherly advice even though she had a brother only a year younger than me who could have done the same. I would help her out because she was a sweet girl and I guess we were actually friends. If anything she was the person who sexually harassed me. She posted “hey you’re hot” on my MySpace for everyone to see. Then her friend who ended up getting an abortion in 9th grade did the same thing. My girlfriend at the time saw and threatened to kill them both. The two younger girls were popular, attractive, and completely off-limits. This was some kind of sick joke. I was almost legally allowed to vote now and finally girls were noticing me years too late. I thought about cutting off my testicles. It made sense at the time.

Over time the girl started liking me more and more. She trusted me a whole bunch and would ask me to interpret songs for her because I was the smartest person she knew. What happened to me? I’m not the smartest person anyone knows. In exchange for interpreting lyrics, this young lady told me two songs that made her think about me.

The first song I reminded this girl of was “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day. I asked her why this song made her think of me. She had no clue. The second song I reminded her of was a song created when Satan farted onto a dead orphan, “Photograph” by Nickelback.

What. The. Fuck.

Here I was, being incredibly nice and helpful and she was saying I was the equivalent to not only a Nickelback song but to THE Nickelback song. The worst one they have. The one where they talk about a piece of shit on Joey’s head. I was hurt.

Slowly we drifted apart as she got into high school and became more popular while I graduated and became the nothing I am today. We stopped talking sometime around the end of my senior year when she said her brother found out who I was then reported back to her. We stopped talking after this. Our creepy friendship did not ended with a bang, but a whimper. And by whimper I mean I cried in my bedroom for days.

sassy pants smoothie

(Then I made a brown smoothie and I felt better)

I’m not sure what her brother said, but it was not favorable I’m sure. If you have been reading me for a while, which you better have been, you may remember a similar story. I guess this is what they mean about history repeating itself. You can read about the other story here  then come to the same determination I have, 8th grade girls are shallow bitches who lack the ability to relate the proper songs to my personality.

So if you never have heard them, here are the songs that apparently defined who I was when I was 17.

 

 

Is there a song that reminds you of me? Is there a song that other people say reminds you of them?

Comments
  1. You are really pushing the envelope with this one. It started strong and just got wronger… uh… stronger…

  2. josefkul says:

    I forgot how much of a whorish swingers club MySpace was. Nickelback really is the worst. You should probably be overjoyed that you are no longer dating this woman. Anyone who listens to Nickelback is way worse than Rachel “backdoor” Rodriguez. Don’t worry, someday you will find that special someone who says those three magical words, “I hate Nickelback.”

    • Mooselicker says:

      I know it’s a little strange to imagine my wedding, but I hope instead of “I do” it’s “I hate Nickelback” “I hate Nickelback too.” It’s a good standard to have for women. It’s not very limiting. Any female who likes them has to have some demon she’s not willing to admit.

  3. Lily says:

    This piece was pretty gross. But it was a still a piece, a work of art. I love that you really invested hours talking to this girl on myspace. So presh. Nickelback is so disgusting. I would be super offended if I were you. But both of those songs take me back to high school and totally set the scene. PS. wtf is wrong with Haley Joel Osmont? Also, speaking of cutting your balls off, have you seen the movie Hard Candy? It’s so weird.

    I would say Black Hole Sun reminds me of you just because it was one of the first songs that you mentioned when we were talking about scary songs. Hah

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Lily, FYI, Nickelback is everything Canada does wrong ever.

    • Mooselicker says:

      What 17 year old boys aren’t gross though? You make it seem like I sat there talking to her on MySpace in a dark room ignoring everyone else. Back then all I did was talk to people online. I guess it’s different now. We all pretend like we go off and do other things when really we don’t. I have seen Hard Candy. Something about it really annoyed me. I can’t remember what it was.

      Black Hole Sun is not a bad reminder song. I would prefer that over Don’t Come Around Here No More any day.

  4. rossmurray1 says:

    You forgot to tag this post “cry for help.” But that’s okay, we figured it out.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Ha. I could probably change my entire blog name to that. Maybe even my name. I’ll spell it with a Q though. Qry Forhelp. I look like I might be some strange nationality.

  5. Pen says:

    Well. I don’t really know what to say to this post very much.

    I will focus on the details and ignore what this post was really about.

    First of all, fuck Nickelback. Not in a good way. In a I hope they fall into a black hole of death and never ever create the godawful shit they call “music” ever again. My first boyfriend in high school was into them. I punched him in the face every time he put them on the radio.

    Second of all, what the hell movie is that with tubby emo-haired Haley Joel Osmont? Is it “Sixth Sense Two”? I could see that kid becoming really fucked up from constantly seeing ghosts.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Funny how everyone who knows me in real life who read this didn’t think this was such a creepy story as everyone else seems to. Oh well.

      Haley Joel Osmont should be in a Nickelback music video. The movie is called Sassy Pants. I haven’t seen it but Netflix thinks I would like it.

      • Pen says:

        Sassy Pants? Well. That just explains everything.

        Did you see that weird movie Seth Green and boy from Home Alone did? About gay strippers murdering people or something? It was weird.

        I’m sure you aren’t actually as creepy as this story made you sound. Plus, technically I was the girl in middle school who talked to a guys online older than me. No sexual crap, just me being jealous that they were closer to adulthood.
        How naive.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Party Monster? I’ve never seen it. I know about it.

        I think all girls talked to an older guy online and all guys talked to a younger girl online. To be fair she contacted me and I never said anything creepy to her. And I’ve said a lot of creepy things to a lot of people. I actually looked up the pedophile online who I used to talk to. He’s still locked up. Another story for another time…

      • Pen says:

        You lead an interesting life. Mine is mostly boring work or me on the couch with my dog watching horror movies. I’m a crotchety old lady already.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I’ve been known to not go outside for more than 3 days at a time. It’s the uncomfortability in my own skin that makes my life appear interesting. I walk with a dark cloud over my shoulder and a judgmental mindset developed over years of having it done to me.

      • Pen says:

        You make it sound so poetic.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Life itself is a dark depressing poem. At least mine is. I hear some people have this thing called happiness. I know, sounds like a made up word doesn’t it?

      • Pen says:

        Totally made up.

  6. Nice story. I mean, not really a nice story, but ncice to read.
    There’s just one thing- I’m not a fan of Nickelback, but why is everyone hating on hem so hard? There’s lots of bad music out there, but what makes Nickelback so much worse? I don’t really get that. Unless it’s because of his haircut. That would make sense.

  7. Carter says:

    The answer to both of your closing questions is “How You Remind Me” by, you guessed it, Nickelback

    • Mooselicker says:

      I would kill for someone to tell me Rockstar was the Nickelback song that made them think about me. It’s probably their best song anyway which doesn’t say much.

  8. The Waiting says:

    You remind me of Alice In Chains. I know that’s a band and not a song. Hmmmm. Maybe “Man In the Box”? Because you live in the computerbox. Right?

    • Mooselicker says:

      You remind me of Smashing Pumpkins so we’ve got a pretty good tour going. Do you have a favorite song by them? I always wanted to ask.

      • The Waiting says:

        Oh dear lord. That’s a good question. My AOL screen name in high school was “EyeORuby” based off the song “Through the Eyes of Ruby” so I’ll go with that since the theme of this blog post seems to be awkward high school moments.

      • Mooselicker says:

        I don’t even know that one. I never had any embarrassing screen names. My passwords were the things I should be ashamed of.

      • The Waiting says:

        It is on Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. My favorite song that was really popular is 1979.

      • Mooselicker says:

        Isn’t that the double CD they did? No wonder it went unnoticed. 1979 is good. Really all of their older stuff is. Did you know Billy Corgan has a weird blotchy disease? Look it up.

      • The Waiting says:

        I did know that. I thought it was his birthmark, though. His first band in Florida was The Marked because everyone had weird splotchy birthmarks.

        I am here to awe you with all the disturbing trivia I know about him.

  9. benzeknees says:

    I watched the whole Green Day song, I had never seen or heard this before. I liked it. The Nickelback song I couldn’t play because it was not authorized “for my country.” So I take it you live in the US & didn’t set this up so your Canadian followers could see it? But don’t worry about it – I don’t like Nickelback anyway. So many people really hate their songs – I don’t understand how they got so popular.

  10. benzeknees says:

    Sorry, I meant to tell you people used to say I reminded them of “The Lady in Red” but I pushed the wrong button.

  11. Hahahaha! I’m not going to say anything bad here because I can relate with almost every embarrassing thing you said. Ugh, the things we do for “love” in high school…

    And when I listen to Rockstar I think of you. Now go kill yourself. Nah, not really. Maybe it’s Green Day’s Basket Case? Yep, that should be it.

    The only time I could remember someone saying a song reminds them of me was Breña by A Perfect Circle. He probably already regretted saying it. Gah, look at me whine.

    • Mooselicker says:

      Did you used to start up relationships in American Idol chatrooms too? More stories for another time…

      I did once go to a whore who told me my life was a bore. He told me to quit my whining because it was bringing her down. You could be onto something.

      I’m not familiar with that song. You’re too metal.

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